At a crossroads

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COwife
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At a crossroads

Its been 2 years and 9 weeks since I've been on this site. Two years ago I was seperated from my husband because he was a hard core Combat Arms addict. He played 8-12 hours a day, he was unfaithful, he did not make efforts to improve his employment options, and he was about to start grad school and not showing any signs of slowing down in the gaming department. He became agressive, he kicked me out of the house bc i got in between him in the game. I had my own issues, anger managment, co-dependency, and I made him feel bad for being a horrible husband who didn't live up to my expectations.

When I realized how unfaithful he was it was a wakeup call. I realized for the first time he was addicted to porn. He told he when he was 12 he was addicted to it but when we got together when we were 16/17 years old he no longer needed it. We come from a very religous faith the frowns upon watching porn. I understand for many of you this would not be considered a huge issue. However for me it was devastating that he had lied for 8 years about it and kept it hidden. I trusted him so much and I felt like a fool. His gaming addictin and porn addiction came interwined. He had porn videos of a girl from the game he played.

We seperated for 4 months. He said he would not give up games and I said ok then I'm ready to move on if you can't. you made a choice to play all these years. You almost flunked out of college, who could not get a good job out of college because instead of applying for jobs you were playing games. He had a hard time writing grad school apps because the stress of it made me turn to games. I supported you financially, emotionally, and felt abused and used throughout the whole time. A choice I made and I had to take ownership for it. I was told by a therapist that we all have choices. We cannot blame others for those choices. Even if all the options are bad options we still have to accept we made a choice and we are not the vicitims. I accepted this and kept applying to jobs while I lived with my parents. I rarely spoke to my husband. I moved my stuff from our apartment into storage. When I saw him I was strong and handled myself well. I stood my ground and said this is what I want. If you can't stop gaming there is no us.

My husband started going to therapy when we were still trying to make it work. I was signing us up for a marriage counselor too... and then bomb shell dropped. My husband and I continued to see our own therapists. He got his life back together. He worked a job in a factory, while going to school, and he quit Combat Arms. He still played small games on his phone and computer.

We made goals. I asked for few things: (1) He would provide rent and food and get a job that would provide this while he was in school. When I was in full time school and could not work we had originally planned that he would support our basic expenses. He broke that promise to me and I had to use extra loan money to pay for our expenses. This was important to me because I didn't want to be abused financially when I was still struggling to land an entry level job as a nurse which is nearly impossible in California.(2) No more PORN - he needed to seek help and learn to cope better and stop. He needed to tell me about his struggles so we could work on it. (3) No more gaming.

I got a new job in Los Angeles, and we moved to a new place and area. He got a job and was a full-time student. No more Combat ARMs or porn for months. There were little games but no more community games. Then sometime happened to me. I lost my first nursing job in a devestating way.... I had a hard time pickign myself up. I had his support. He worked two jobs and did 5 classes. He was there for me. I was depressed and I kept the home, exercised, and looked for new jobs.

I was so happy that he had changed so much that he was my rock. He had a hard time with the two jobs and full time class load. I got a job this past March and he eventually quit one part time job. He started internship hours for his grad school program. I found out around that time that porn was still a problem. I use to check his computer regulary for signs of gaming and porn when we first got back together. Then I saw something in hidden drives and I asked him how long? He said for the past 6 months he would have relapses. I read about porn addiction and I told him I really need him to take an active role in his addicition and seek help. I also told him he had to be honest with me and tell me about his relapse so we can talk about it and be honest with each other. He agreed and was happy that I was supportive. It was hard for me to hear about the relapses but they were every 4 -6 weeks maybe and I would talk about his how he was coping to make sure it didn't happen. After awhile I told him I dont want to just hear about it - I want to know what your going to do to make sure its not goign to happen. So he stopped telling me. I stopped asking too b/c I didn't want to be a nag and make it worse.

In June he lost his internship and I feared like all the times before he lost his job he'd get depressed and turn to negative coping --- one of them gaming .I wanted him to look for a new job like he promised but since he lost his internship he was mostly just working and watching tv when he got home dealing with the depression from loosing his internship. He wasn't even looking for an internship which is usually unpaid in his field.

He went home for a month after his job at a school ended for summer break. He worked on his dad's business to help his family out. My idea. When he was at home his brother is a gamer.....so you know what happened when he came home. Some community game involveing war airplanes. I told him no way that wasn't our deal. Your going backwards.

He took an internship that was unpaid for the sake of finishing his grad school this past semester. He had to quit his paid job. I told him if he's home more and I'm out working crazy hours I can't trust him in the home. Especially if he's on the game and he's struggling with porn. I asked him to move out for awhile so he can get his life togther so we'd have some space. I knew it would be hard for me to work long hours and deal with him doing hurtful things while having two many free hours. I know he's not the type of person to use the free hours to search for jobs and be productive around the house. Although he has improved in that area since was a spoiled mama's boy most of his life.

He said he'd stop playing the game. He'd keeping with working on the porn addiction with his therapist.

Its been four months and now he's just had it with me. I've forced him all this time to stop playing games. He wants to play and thats it. He knows he can do it with moderation and still be productive in his career and manage the role of husband and employee.

I heard him two nights ago talking to people on this new game and I had flashbacks like PTSD of all the pain and suffering I've been too. I told him there is no way I can live with him and hear this in my home. Maybe today or this month he can handle games and his other responsibilites. But in a few months or a few years when life throws us a curball - another job loss, family loss, or an unexpected life event. He'll increase his gaming and not stand by me to support me. I can't even imagine having children with him because I'd be alone in the parenting and he'd let them down by letting his gaming consume us. This is my fear.

My choices are: Do I stay with him and Start a family? I'm at that point in my life that I really want to start a family. So does he (even though he's not financially ready for it and doesn't realize what it will take).

Do I leave him after 4 years of marriage and 11 years of being together in total? Take a risk in finding someone else I can love and have a family. I'm 28 now and I wanted to have children. In my culture and in my community its hard for women to get married. Yes I'm American born and raised and I can say screw culture I'll take my chances but I know they are not as good. I want a husband who'd share my religion and values above all else. Even if a guy wanted to marry me and we have the same religionm, similar culture r/t to ethnic background, his family would have a hard time accepting me.

My husband knows this fact: If we get divorced I loose more than him. He can still have children with someone else. In our religion and cultures he will have an easier chance getting remarried. Even with his vices, he can hide them and get away with it if he chooses.

He understand that based on his patterns and the relationship between bad life events/stresses and gaming he may turn to gaming for a few months. In those few months I'd have the burden of holding thing together becasue he'd be gaming to coping with a loss. He told be point blank I have to make a choice to accept that risk.

I dont want that and that why I refuse to be in a marriage with him that involved community gaming!

My choice: 'To let go of a relationship I've had for 11 years and start a new. I made that choice. Even though I know that I'm still angry and I feel like its so unfair that I have to loose all my dreams I had. I've been patient and struggled to make a good life with this man even through all the obstacles.

Or do I stay quiet and accept the games and the risk that he may binge eventually. There maybe a new toxic game that comes up and he gives up on his life and family and let it comsume him.

I know there are people who are functional in their lives and still manage to enjoy gaming. I have nothing against them. I just know he's not one of them because of his addictive personality. He knows that too but he still chooses to game and thinks he's made so much progress over the years that he can now handle it.

I'm at a crossroads. I asked him to move out after his last final exam next week. It will be a week before our anniversary. I know I will be hurt if we seperate and eventually divorce. He may even come back if he misses me and the stability I provide in his life and tell me he'll quit. But it will be a lie and we both will know it.

I know my story is not that my husband is gaming 10-12 hours a day right now but I know it what he's capable of even though he behaves like it will never happen again. I think once an addict is always an addict and abstinance is the key. Am I wrong? Can he really game and be funcitonal in other areas of his life? The stories I've read on this site have said otherwhise to me....I'm so afraid.

Am I being unreasonable and dramatic? I dont know anymore......

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome back COwife. Thank

Welcome back COwife. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. So much has happened to you to deal with.

If you knew for sure that you could find another partner and have children, what would you do?

I don't think you are unreasonable or dramatic. You have kept things going for both of you by your principles, so how is that unreasonable? You have to look after you. It's your life. You have boundaries.You can make choices. I don't think there is a wrong or right answer.

You still have time on your side.

Trust your gut.

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
I was thinking about your

I was thinking about your situation again. These are my thoughts and I cannot tell you what to do or know what you have done to cope already. I have not experienced all you have been through. I do know some of how it is to deal with someone in an addiction situation though (my son) but I am sure your experience outweighs my own.

From what I can see from your post you have three main options;

1) to stay in the relationship as you are, doing as you have done ....to continue with the back and forth, up and down ...one day you may have really had enough that there will be no question what you want to do. May be it's madness to continue as before ...will anything change?

2) To stay within the relationship but completely detach from whether he games or not or his other addictions; up til recently you are checking up on him and using all your strength to keep him clean. No wonder you have had enough. It is his responsibility to get clean. Hand all the responsibility back to him. If there is no safety net (you) he may have to be more serious about it. Tell him that you are no longer interested in his addictions; they are up to him. You should take care of you and work out your own support system. To keep in the relationship you may need to work the 12 steps. Starting with step 1; we are powerless over their addiction and our life has become unmanageable. Maybe you can live in detachment from his choices. You will not have to waste you mental energy worrying any more if you can detach; more time for your plans. Downside; involves work and time. Maybe you will come to the conclusion that you cannot or do not want to live that way anyway.

3) Cut loose and make a new life for your self. Scary thought maybe...but it could pay off big time and give you a fresh start and hope for a new future.

Regarding option 2; by detaching from his choices I don't think that means you condone what he choses to do. You just pass the responsibility to him to police and be answerable to himself.

I don't know if me writing this will help clarify your decision making or that I have said anything new. I just want you to know that I am so sorry you are going through this pain.

 

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. ~Author Unknown

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