I need help post by ajlsmith

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I need help post by ajlsmith

This was written by our new member Ajlsmith:

I have been reading several of these posts from everyone and I don't know how to start a new one but I need to see what happens when I do this. So without any clue how to ask my question I'm just answering this post and seeing what comes of it. So my fear is that I don't belong in this group because, although I am definitley addicted to online computer games, I've never played a role playing game. I am not of that generation I guess, being 53.

I started with the computer games on my Microsoft desktop so those are just the card games like solitare and free cell / minesweeps. Then I got a mahjong game and tetris. Thinking about when all this started for me I'd say: 1992. So before the internet even existed I was playing truely mindless games for 4 to 6 hours a day at work - everyday without exception, staying at work until truely ridiculous hours to get enough done to keep my job. Every once in a while I could go a week and not play any games but that was mainly when I was working out of town and so had no access to my computer.

When the internet came online I discovered that there were buckets of different games at Yahoo and Excite and they were free. I was ecstatic to find my beloved mahjong and then the card game pyramids, which I would play sometimes for 6 to 7 hours straight often not leaving work until well after midnight. I would get bored with a given stupid mindless board or card game and then try another one from the same game list and each new one became my new love and I'd play it over and over until I could get to level 10 or higher - in Cubis-1 I once made it to level 60 and the sun was almost up and I was still at work. Of course I couldn't even attain consciousness until late the next afternoon. I can't remember when I just stopped even trying to not play. For the past 5 or 6 years I have been sitting quitely at my desk for more than 15 hours a day so I can play things like bounce out and cubis for 4 or more hours at a stretch. I am now at the point where I go through at least 15 different Yahoo games every day. I have whole weeks when I get no work done at all while at work. I always keep some work un-minimized on my screen when I'm playing the games so that when I hear the cleaning lady come in, I can quickly minimize the Yahoo and it will look like I'm working really hard. Even when I have to pee like a son-of-@#%$ I just bounce around in my chair at my desk and keep playing until the urge goes away and then I play some more. Once I played for over 9 hours without a break. It was after 2:00 AM when I finally pulled free of the screen and closed the program. Often, I am able to quit playing only when I've become so impatient to start a new game that I've clicked 10 in a row in about a second and my whole computer freezes solid so that I have to hit the power switch to even re-boot. Once it's off I can go home.

Boy, as I'm writing this I am so freaking out. For heaven's sake I am 53 years old and I've spent at least 1/3 of my life for the last 13 years searching computer screens for matching tiles or a way to move one red ball so it falls in line with two other red balls and all the red balls fall off the board and I have only 89 more balls to clear before I hit the next level.

I almost envy you the role playing games because at least there's some mind involved. Of course I'm probably wrong.

So I have this long history of drug addictions, from my teenage years, that I haven't done in over 30 years without doing any of the psych or spiritual work - and because of that experience I've been saying to friends, many of whom are now in AA or CA... that playing Cubis and Zuma for 6 or more hours at a stretch is pretty much the same as being stoned on heroin for a whole day - you accomplish the same thing. And the recovering alcoholics would just give me that SouthPark look. And then there's that overwhelming feeling of relaxation and relief I get as soon as the Yahoo game screen comes up on my computer. And the fact that I've made about 2000 determinations to never play another game ever as long as I live and even making it for 3 weeks once but always going back - usually to minesweeps or freecell and then boom I'm at Yahoo and another 4 hours has disappeared from my life never to return. I think this means I'm at the admitting I'm powerless stage.

So this is a lot of stuff, sorry. My question is: I don't know if it's okay for me to be on this site given that my addiction isn't to role playing games and I don't have any DVD's to smash ..., Oh and I'm betting I'm a lot older than most of you guys. I'm hoping someone reads this anyway as I sure as hell don't want to write it again.

thx. J

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What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

Edited by: calm force at: 2/15/06 5:08

shiva
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Joined: 12/13/2006 - 11:33am
Re: I need help post by ajlsmith

J,

welcome to this site. Let neither your age, nor your "peculiar" style of addiction detract you from participating here.

Both can be a benefit to our community. Your age makes you more mature and thoughtful, and your addiction to non-RPG games will make you be able to help future members, who, like you are also doubtful whether they belong to this board or not. Thank you for so honestly writing your story.

You say you have had a long history of knowing addiction and you have started step 1: admitting that our lifes have become unmanageable and we are powerless. This is a wonderful start.

If you want, ask Liz for access to the members area. I am not sure who is available as sponsor right now, I am not much further than the 1st step so far, so I cannot offer myself.

If you cay you know people from AA, and that you get strange glances, one day take the one you trust most and tell him the whole story, like you did here in this thread.

I am almost 100% sure you will not get any strange glances but a warm look and an invitation to the 12 step program, and then you can choose a local sponsor, which would be infinitely more helpful than the internet way, though it also works.

Wish you whatever (is best for you)

Maxim

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What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

InSomeNiak
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Joined: 01/27/2006 - 5:43am
Re: I need help post by ajlsmith

Welcome J.,
Quote:"Let neither your age, nor your "peculiar" style of addiction detract you from participating here".
And I second that statement.

It doesn't really matter what kind of video games you were/are addicted to. I even mentioned that I was once addicted to Magic: The Gathering; a strategical trading card game. I was so addicted to that once that I bet i've spent 5 grand on cards in several years, at least. At 3 to 4 dollars a pack (for about 15 cards) And I have thousands of cards. And they are trading cards too, so like baseball cards some are rare and expensive. I would also buy cards from glass cases in the store for several dollars a card to 15 or more dollars a card. I still have most of them. And one of my decks cost me 300 dollars to make. As you can see this is obviously an addiction. When you spend that much money on cardboard and don't own a house or a car etcetera, there's a serious problem going on. So it doesn't matter what video games you play, sometimes it isn't even video games that can be our addiction. Good luck with what you are seeking.

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