Forming a plan for a "high functioning" addicted 21yr old student

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stay
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Forming a plan for a "high functioning" addicted 21yr old student

I have read some material for parents and here are my problems. First, my son is managing to stay in school, however, he has not shown us his grades. Is it reasonable to damand to see them? He says his scholarship is intact. He will want to deny his severity due to maintaining his scholarship. His friends, however, have become really upset with him. I want to explain that he is an addict, but I don't know which one's will be supportive, since many are borderline addicts or possible budding addicts themselves, or at least your typical college gamer.

OMG the part about the acne is killing me. And I am supposed to stop trying to feed him healthy food and more water and fiber (caretaking)! His face is so scarred up it hurts me. He is VERY smart and tries to convince himself he is not an addict. He breaks away to go out and "be with friends" to prove he can leave the games, but the withdrawal is there and he gets right back into position for gaming within seconds of returning home. He owns his own computer and needs it for school and debate which give part of his scholarship. I have no idea what sort of action to take with regard to internet since we all rely on it, and he won't have time to deal with slow internet for school research. He will have to have it for school in less than a month. The school is important since, if he finishes now, it is paid for. Otherwise, He would have to pay out of pocket in the future and the chances of that are nill. He will have his bachelors degree if he can get through the year.

He already wants to be ultra independant, but it's me trying to care take since he has left hygene to the wind, along with self-care, much sleep or healthy eating, exercise or church. He used to be so involved, but college dorms happened for 3 years, plus college bullies which added to the depression. Ugh. Complicated stuff. Yet, I know there is help. Thanks for suggestions.

May Light
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Welcome to OLGA stay! I

Welcome to OLGA stay! I think it is probably harder with functional addicts. My son was a very disfunctional one and when I think about it, it was easier to take action under his circumstances.

It appears that your son managed to progress to the final year of uni in despite of his excessive gaming. The chances are, he will graduate at the end of this year. But things may spiral down, no one can be sure...

I believe your son is still at home (not living at the college). It makes it easier to take action. Since it is his computer and he is already 21 and he needs his computer for studying, I don't believe it is reasonable to try to take his computer away. You could put restrictions on the internet usage though. Installation of iBoss router (or another brand which others may suggest)may the way to go. You can program it in a way to give different user's rights to different computers. It gives reports about which sites he visited, how long he played and you could even block the gaming sites and gaming related sites if you wish.You also program it to cut the internet off at nights for example. Probably you can do much more with the routers. I haven't used it myself because my son didn't want to be monitored. We found other means of dealing with his excessive gaming. But there are parents here who used it and as far as I am aware they are very happy with it.

Even though his hygiene , his eating habits and his sleep is poor at the moment, they will all get better once he stops playing games. Their brains are affected badly while they are playing but the good news is that it is reversable (at least 6 months of no gaming seems to be necessary for the brain to heal).

I think it would be nice to tell him the detrimental effects of gaming. If he is indeed getting good results and his scholarship is intact, you may not want to rock the boat until he graduates. But if he is not telling the truth and his grades are no good, then it may be the time to act! We told my son that it was ethically and morally wrong for us to keep enabling him in our home. Perhaps you could ask him to tell you the results otherwise you are left with no choice but start taking some actions like installing a new router etc.

It is not an easy task to deal with our sons' excessive gaming... We totally get it. You are not alone! We have parent's typed chat meeting Thursday nights at 9pm EST. Please join us if you can. We share our experiences and support one another.

Your son is a very lucky boy to have such caring and loving mother... Take care.

All the best! Hugs!

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

Polga
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Hi again Stay I don't think

Hi again Stay

I don't think it unreasonable to ask about his grades, especially if you are contributing financially to his education or supporting him. You could also try to approach the college directly. I know that colleges cannot contact parents if they think a student needs help, but if a parent contacts them, if there is a problem they may be able to engage with you

May Light is right that if he is at a crucial stage of his course, rocking the boat may have unintended consequenses, but if he is failing already then there is no reason to hold back. I think if you can find out how he is doing then it will not be so confusing about what to do.

I think you are wise to not want to make changes too quickly without thinking things through. You could make baby steps maybe by making ground rules that he needs to stick to while he is at home that do not require restricting internet; e.g. being respectful to you should be a bare minimum for him to stay in the home. You could make him do all his meals, laundrey, etc Don't buy any treat food that he likes. No allowance so he has to keep a job for cash. He has to know that as he is an adult you do not have any responsibility for keeping him, so he needs to give something in return to stay with you. It's not his right to stay. I had to say this to my son. When he knew that we were serious that we would remove him from the home if we had to, he toed the line. The message I decided to give him was 'you are responsible for you'. I explained that we were concerned about gaming and that the home would be gamefree while he was with us, because we loved him and could no longer enable him. Once we had removed the gaming and restricted internet access and he knew we were resolved not to give in any more, things settled down. After interenet was restricted, there was no need to argue or draw his attention to his addiction anymore, so less opportunity for confrontation. He was free to leave if he didn't like the rules.

I think it's fine that you want to feed him healthy food if you all eat as a family. Don't buy any junk so that even if you do not make his meals, he cannot make unhealthy meals himself. There are medical treatments to lessen the effects of acne. You can encourge him to get medical help and eat the right food, but if he refuses , you need to let it go for your own happiness.

Now my son lives away from home and is independant of us until his savings run out, I try now to give my son his own space and do not talk about whether he is gaming or eating well, as this is rescuing behaviour and also makes him feel bad about himself. If he is not eating well, me asking him about it is not going to change the situation for the better, so there is no point. We talk about neutral things so we can get along. I have come to conclusion that my detachment about his actions is the only way to go. I've said my piece. He knows what we think. He needs to figure out his own life. If he asks for help, then we can take that one step at a time. But I refuse to enable him any longer.

INFO

Help for gamers here

Help for parents of gamers here

Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Desserts
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My son is will be 21 soon.

My son is will be 21 soon. He lost his scholarship and did not tell us. He lives at home and has continued to tell us he has it all under control, but of course we all know that that is not the case. He just admitted to us that he does have a problem and went to a counselor at school for help. Only problem is I have completely lost my trust in him as he has lied to us for years. What are we supposed to do next to help him. How can I believe anything he says??

Polga
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Welcome to Olg-anon

Welcome to Olg-anon Desserts.

Many of the parents on this forum have sons who have dropped out of college due to gaming. If kids are still in the grip of compulsive gaming then sending them back to college is not a good idea as they are likely to continue to fail.

I can identify with the lying. My son is 22 and has lied to us and told us what we wanted to hear about what he was doing. He was also manipulative.

I regard my son's problem as an addiction. Addicts are affected so that they are not their normal selves while they are in their addicition. Their logic is skewed. They are self-centred. As parents we cannot control their addiction. The addicts cannot control their addicition unless they really want to quit and even then it can be hard. My son did not set out to be an addict. Not all people get addicted that game. He was unlucky that it just 'clicked' for him. So even though he had hurt us with his attitude we had pity for him, and have tried to treat him with compassion even though he has been testing us.

You are right not to trust him, until he can prove that he can be trusted when he is well on the road to recovery. He is an adult now and should feel the consequences of his actions. If we enable our kids, then they have no need to change. So any 'help' you want to give him could be enabling him. So let him decide what is important to him. If he wants to continue college, let him get a loan for his tuition so if he fails it won't be your money. If he wants to live away from home, he should get a job to support himself. The best help you can probably give him is a listening ear about his problems and what he is thinking about his future. A lot of kids do not want to disappoint their parents expectations and knowing they are "failing" can push them further away from us into gaming.

While he is in your home you can make the rules of how he lives. You can ban him from his computer or going online, or gaming. If he doesn't like that he can leave. If he breaks your rules, you can tell him he will have to go elsewhere.

You will know when he is changing by his attitude. But that would be no reason to change the rules in your home. They are good for life. He needs to grow up and make his own life and then he can chose what he is allowed to do.

I found it really helpful to read many of the other mom's stories on this website, to understand gaming addicition and then I made my own plan regarding going game free in the home, and detaching with love from his life choices, because i cannot control his choices. I am through with the feelings of frustration for what cannot be changed. I can learn to be happy even if i do not approve of what he does.

All the best.

INFO

Help for gamers here

Help for parents of gamers here

Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Desserts
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Thank you for your response

Thank you for your response to my situation.

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After re-reading my post it

After re-reading my post it comes over a bit "do this... do that" They are just suggestions from my own experience and what I have read.

Every situation is different and dealing with this is a process. You know your son best and once you understand the issues, you can chose to do things your way for the best outcome for you, and your son.

Any feedback on what you learn, positive or negative outcomes etc, is always appreciated by the forum. We are all sharing and learning !

INFO

Help for gamers here

Help for parents of gamers here

Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Gamersmom
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Yes, you have a right to see

Yes, you have a right to see his grades if you are paying any portion of the bills. Do NOT send him back to school until you have seen his most recent grades. Search the term "FERPA" at his college's website. At most schools you have a right to see his grades if he is a dependent on your 1040 and you pay for his tuition.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

Andrew_Doan
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Desserts wrote: My son is
Desserts wrote:

My son is will be 21 soon. He lost his scholarship and did not tell us. He lives at home and has continued to tell us he has it all under control, but of course we all know that that is not the case. He just admitted to us that he does have a problem and went to a counselor at school for help. Only problem is I have completely lost my trust in him as he has lied to us for years. What are we supposed to do next to help him. How can I believe anything he says??

Your son may need residential treatment. If you have the money, then reSTART in Seattle, WA is recommended.

http://www.netaddictionrecovery.com/

If you don't mind a Bible-centered approach, Teen Challenge is free.

http://www.teenchallenge.org/

Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD

My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.

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