please help -- a college freahman son addicted in game

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worryingmom
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please help -- a college freahman son addicted in game

Over the past winter break when my son came home and seeing "F" in his grade, checking his laptop history, we realized he had been playing games "League of Legends" and chatted in Mumble day and night in his dorm room. We discussed the issues but it broke our hearts seeing him constantly back to his room with his laptop and playing his games, chatting in Mumble. He is out to his college dorm -- we don't think he would limit his playing time and do well this semester on his own -- as he had promised. What can we do -- we are paying his tuition for an Ivy League universtiy. Should we take away his laptop as my husband flying 25 hours to visit him now for 1 or 2 days? Would this help? If he continue to play games, he would be kicked out sooner or later. But there seems no way that I can think of that would help. I wanted to let go of him but just cannot. I really don't want to see him fail so badly.

Gamersmom
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Welcome worryingmom!  I

Welcome worryingmom! I remember so well being where you are (except we were only 2 hours away by car instead of 25 hours away). The only way to stop his gaming right now would be to bring him home. Taking his laptop away would accomplish nothing. College campuses are full of computers. He would find a way to game no matter what you do. Pulling him out now would not save you any money, but would probably help avoid any further damage to this grade point average, and would at least show him that you are serious about the problems his gaming is causing. I would certainly recommend that you not pay any more tuition for him until the gaming is under control. I don't know if they have community colleges in Hong Kong, but if you want him to continue to go to school, the only way I would recommend that would be at a community college, living at home.

Your husband should talk to the professors at his son's school now. If your son is failing again, have him withdraw and bring him home. Wish we had done that during the second semester of our son's freshman year.

Good luck to you and your family.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

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Worryingmom, I echo what

Worryingmom, I echo what Gamersmom said. Your son and his grades may be suffering because he's "under the influence" of his game. If you find that his grades are poor again this semester, I'd also consider pulling him out before any irreparable damage is done.

worryingmom
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Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your input. That will be difficult situation to face - but unfortuantely we don't have other options. My son has been telling us that he will do well this semester. My husband described his brief visit as positive at this point. I think in 1 or 2 weeks I should try to contact his advisors and professors to see how his work have been so far for the mid-term. If it is not as he told us, then we need to consider what to do next.

We almost did that few months ago to have him stay home, but then we really don't know what he can do here -- we are new in Hong Kong -- just moved over here last summer from US. He cannot go to school here and he does not have any friends here, he does not speak the local dialect.... We are afraid that will further strain our relationship to have him stay home and push hom further into gaming.

Anyway, I really appreciate your thought and comments here.

gsingjane
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Hey there WM, I think really

Hey there WM,

I think really that time will tell. It might be that your son's gaming is just a "blip," just a short detour on a road to a successful and happy future. Or, it may be that he has a much more serious, long-standing problem.

Eventually, you won't have any choice. He will either take advantage of his opportunities, or he won't. If he doesn't, you and your husband will probably not support him forever. He will eventually have to choose which option he takes.

I can tell you that if he really is addicted... college probably isn't going to go well. He has no supervision, there are lots of other gamers around, nobody checks to see if he shows up for class or turns in his work or anything. If he wants to game, he will and, because it's an addiction, gaming will be more important to him than his future success, or how this reflects on his family, or anything.

One thing, please understand and this is not personal against your son - if he is an addict he's going to lie to you. Addicts have been known to do things like doctor report cards, or pretend to "lose" them, or otherwise conceal their failing grades from their parents. Or, an addict will "game" the system to take incompletes in classes, or otherwise try to slide around the fact that they're not doing the work and can't pass the tests. An addict will make up elaborate stories about how well they're doing and then, when they fail, make up elaborate stories about why that was (illness, emotional upset, unfair teachers or tests). If things sound "flukey" or unbelievable on their face... or out of the ordinary and strange for this child... that's probably because he actually isn't telling the truth, and is desperately trying to conceal things from you that he knows you don't want to hear. Part of what we parents of addicts have to do is, not accept patently incredible stories or permit things to just "pass;" because that isn't, in the long run, donig the addict any favors. Protect yourself and protect your finances.

Good luck to you.

Jane in CT

pete1 (not verified)
Dear Worrying, I am a

Dear Worrying,

I am a recovering addict. My children are 21, 14 and 13.

I know Hong Kong a little and I will agree with gamersmom.

Here is a point of view - not necessarily the right one but here goes. If he continues in school its going to cost a lot of money and the result will be sadly predictable.

If you pull him out of school at least he might retain the option of returning if he gets over this gaming issue.

You could bring him back to Hong Kong, give him a couple of thousand dollars and a backpack and send him on his way. Without a laptop. He will be in good company. He wont be able to game. And he might grow out of it.

Worst case he will develop some life experience and see Asia.

I think 'tough-love' is the only option you have a the moment.

I believe your only other options are to put him into rehab or a wilderness boot camp, both of which will cost about the same as staying in school.

- pete

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At your son's age, therapy

At your son's age, therapy is a choice and can't be forced. I agree that the only thing you can do right now is practice some tough love. Refuse to continue to pay for his education and make gaming in your home an impossibility.

worryingmom
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yes, all of these I heard in

yes, all of these I heard in the past 2 or 3 years when he was in HS, but I just not realize there is the addiction problem. We perceived lying as a moral problem and lectured on that a lot. I eventually removed internet connection from his room that had help to get his good grades from HS. But it did not solve the underlying prblem -- addiction as we didnot see one at that time.

worryingmom
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Thank you for all your

Thank you for all your thought. I wished I had known this site long before and I might have been aware of the addiction problem and had prevented us from a lot of sleepless nights now. We will have to learn to accept now that "tough love" decision may be inevitable. I will discuss this with my husband when he is back from the trip. Thank you again for all your support.

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