Is there a right or wrong way to handle a desperate situation??

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maymay1
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Is there a right or wrong way to handle a desperate situation??

Thanks to all the folks who have given me feedback regarding my son.

I feel I will be a bad parent if I don't continue to try to end this destruction. I feel like I will be a bad parent if I send my 18 year old son out into the world with no license, no car, no home, no money. We have given him ample warning, over & over again. He just does not think we'll do it. When there is a confrontation about it, he will act like he is trying at school, etc. for about a week, tops, then back to the same old stuff. I look at him and my heart aches. How did I let this happen to him?? And more importantly, how I can make him see the problem and get help?? Is tough love the only answer, which in our case would literally mean him moving to the YMCA, and seeing how to survive on his own.

Jojo Rainbow
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Honestly - do it. Your son

Honestly - do it. Your son thinks at this stage that he can always get away with it by making empty promises. He really needs to see some tough love, and this sounds like it could be what he needs.

When temptation brings me to my knees, And I lay here drained of strength
Show me kindness, Show me beauty, Show me truth

(Dream Theater - Learning To Live, 1992)

WoW-free since July 11, 2008.

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MayMay, you are truly in a

MayMay, you are truly in a tough position. Let me start by saying that your love for your child comes through loud and clear in every post. None of this is your fault. I know you are terrified of what may happen if you give your son his walking papers. However, you said yourself that you have given him "ample warning." You can't change the past, but as they say, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Each of us has a unique parenting style and each of our kids is unique. Siblings of varying ages and personalities add an additional, unique dimension. What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another. I feel certain that some believe that we did not give our son enough latitude. But we know that we gave him every opportunity. We listened hard to what others had to say and tried every measure, but to no avail. I think every one of us hoped for a quick resolution to a situation that was spiraling out of control. There is no quick or easy solution. It took years for your son to reach this point and itaEU(tm)s not going to change overnight, no matter what approach you take. One thing is crystal clear as I read your posts. Your son is in denial. Who knows what led him to compulsive gaming. But whatever the reason, he wonaEU(tm)t be able to address it as long as heaEU(tm)s escaping into a virtual world. It sounds as though his maturity and social development have been arrested; thataEU(tm)s common with any addiction in a young person. We experienced all of it; the denial, lies, stealing, rage, manipulation, isolation, lack of drive/ambition, failing grades, etc. If your son wants to continue to live in your home, he will have to follow your rules. If that means no gaming, then NO gaming. Seeing a counselor, maintaining reasonable grades, participating in family activities and helping with household chores are additional suggestions. We were not successful and it sounds as though youaEU(tm)ve already been there, done that, too. You are now in the position of having to make the type of decision we did. You will have to resign yourselves to living with an addicted gamer and watch him destroy himself, right in front of your eyes. Or, you will have to refuse to allow him to do it with your help. I know we felt like hostages in our own home; wondering what to do and worrying about our sonaEU(tm)s future consumed us to the point where every aspect of our lives was affected. The pain of missing our son when we had him removed was greater than I can describe. But I must say that I am certain that we would not be where we are today if we had not taken that drastic measure. Do not destroy your marriage and your family over this. Your son is destroying his life, not you.

gsingjane
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MayMay, I agree

MayMay, I agree whole-heartedly with everything Joyce has said. When I read your post saying "How did *I* let this happen to him?" I could just cry. You didn't "let" it happen, it just did. Every situation in a family is multi-factorial, we know that. There are people, personalities, genetics, outside circumstances - every family is so unique. You made the decisions at the time that seemed best, based on the information you had available to you then. Were you perfect? No, I'm sure you weren't, just as none of us were. But, you know, the mature person understands that... just as they aren't perfect themselves, neither are nor were their parents. At some point, the responsibility stops being that of the parents, and becomes that of the gamer. The fact that you didn't always do exactly the right thing, or that you could even have accessed what the "right thing" might have been at the time, does nothing to absolve your son of responsibility for what he's done and is doing. This isn't me being angry at my son, or any addict, but it is me telling you, let it go. Don't listen to anybody who tells you that his problems are your fault because you weren't or aren't the perfect mother. It is terribly sad for you, not to mention horribly worrying, to see your son making the decisions he's making. I understand that pain, I've felt (and am feeling!) it myself, right this very minute. One thing my mother keeps reminding me, though, about all this, is that my son is no longer 10 years old. He is nearly (and your son actually is) old enough to vote, join the military, certainly old enough to father a child, and in many societies and throughout history, he would have been expected to be a fully functioning adult by now. He has the brainpower and physical maturity to cope with life - whether he has the emotional maturity we don't know - but physically and mentally, yes, he can do what he needs to do to survive. People who are far less well-equipped to deal than he is have not only survived, but thrived. I return to a question I asked earlier, which is to wonder how things are going to change without your taking some kind of a radical step. What do you see happening in the future if he doesn't change? Do you see yourselves, 1, 2, or 5 or 10 years from now, in this same place with him? Do you think that he will ever get better if he keeps gaming? The only other thing I would say is, consider no longer having confrontations with him or making deals. If you are going to threaten something, then either follow through or don't say it. He has learned that he doesn't have to keep his promises because there aren't any consequences, other than being yelled at I guess. Again, know that I am well aware of how a mother's heart can break over all this, but what is the alternative? Jane in CT

Gamersmom
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Agree with Jane. He needs

Agree with Jane. He needs to understand that you WILL follow through with EVERY threat. Right now, I would recommend removing everything except a mattress and his clothes from his room. If he lives in your house, he has no personal possessions, because ultimately, they all came from you. It may be that the entire family needs to do without internet access for a few months. I know that will be hard on you and the other kids, but drastic measures are essential. Make it clear that the only places you will drive him to are to school, a job, or a library. For now, there is no point in forcing him to go to school. He needs to understand that it is HIS future he is screwing with, not yours. If he flunks, he will just have to do it over later. There are plenty of programs out there for kids who want to get back on track educationally. When he decides to do it, there will be a way. If it becomes clear to him that you are no longer going to be more invested in his success than he is, he will realize that he has lost the hold he has over you. Make sure he understands that you love him more than life itself and will continue to provide the things he NEEDS to succeed in life, but you will not watch him continue to destroy himself with his game. I totally understand how hard it is for a mom to let go of their investment in their child's success, but it is actually kind of liberating, ultimately. The folks here taught me how to let go of a lot of things, and it had major benefits in many areas of my life. Hugs to you.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

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