My husband is also addcited to WoW. He started playing in June 2006 and charged the subscription to a credit card. Without paying much attention to the card statement, I just paid for it ($80). (I recently asked him to pay me back) My husband has a small home business that he says he is not interested in running it anymore. He turns down 95% of the jobs because he doesn't want to leave the house. He also thinks that I make enough to cover everything so he could retire. He tells me it's my responsibility to pay for all the expenses because I work. In Sep, a love letter was sent to him from a WoW player. Before the letter hit the mail box, my husband was very nervous whenever I was around his computer. In the letter, that woman indicated that she just wanted to have "IT" once. Obviously, she was referring to sex. My husband was so involved that he gave out his REAL name and mailing address. Tonight, my husband slipped out that he is avoiding one/some women on WoW. WoW is truly ruing our marriage. Ironically, he told me that I should be proud of him because he is still very charming.
He has tried to quit a few times. Every time, right before the cut-off day, he would spend the whole night playing his "last game". He said, "I am a man, and you can't control me." He denies he is addicted, and turns around and says that I am obsessive with the game. We started seeing a marriage councellor in mid-Dec, so far, we have had about 5 sessions. He doesn't act on any advice that is given by the therapist, except when she told him to move the computer to another room to play so I can't bug him. Whenever he doesn't like the therapist's comments, he would say, "She is not a doctor. I don't think she is credible." He also tells me that he sees the therapist for me because I have problems with him playing WoW.
He is a real gamer, one game after the other. WoW has the most impact on our marriage. He only likes to interact with his "friends", mostly female. He has no friends in real life. I told him that I want to have a divorce, but he said we still have love in the relationship. Somehow, I just think that he wants me to stay so I will take care of all the bills and he can continue to play WoW.
I need help on dealing with this problem. It is very painful.
Hello there ~ While I am -not- involved with a husband who is a gamer ~ I was once in your husband's shoes. I, too, was consumed by the social and emotional aspects of WoW and allowed myself to neglect my significant other for the sake of "on-line" love. Nothing about my gaming addiction past embarrasses me more or disgusts me as much. What finally got me out of it was a huge self-reality check.A One day I'd just looked at the person I'd become and hated myself for it.A I vowed to stop, make amends, and change.A And I work on that struggle daily. Please know that "emotional affairs" rarely measure up to the real thing.A Once the smoke-and-mirrors of the text-based romanticism disappears, there's truly nothing left.A I can assure you, as I have assured others, that if your husband were to meet one of these women in real life, it would be nothing as they'd "imagined."A Since the safety of their text based love would be lifted, all that would be there would be a very awkward, very embarrassing moment. Sadly, I speak from experience. I do hope your husband and you continue with the marriage counseling.A I have great faith in counseling of all sorts!A :) I am sure one of the other wives/husbands on our boards who live w/ a gaming spouse can be more helpful than I could, but I just thought I'd offer you my insight on the whole emotional affair happenings. Love, Solei
-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-
Get a paper done, that says: Either me or the game ... it has helped a few people already...
HateWoW:
Well, I am one of the ones that are in your shoes that Solei mentioned. My wife has been playing WoW since it came out and is addicted. She has also had online "affairs" (if you want to call them by that term). She also says that the biggest problem is the fact that I "obsess" about her game play. Let me tell you - you have every right to be concerned. Our loved ones have been drawn into this web of addiction to this MMORPG. They lie, they cheat....and eventually become someone other than the person we know. If you are to the point of wanting a divorce, then perhaps it is time for the "ultimatum". Shiva makes a very good suggestion - write your spouse a letter, explaining all the things you feel. I would end the letter by asking him to make the choice - WoW and all the "imaginary" people out there or you. Keep coming back here. We understand. Gary
Welcome HateWoW, I am somewhat surprised that the counselor hasn't taken a harder line on setting up boundaries for his game play...maybe she has and that was some of the advice that your husband wont listen too.A I am definitely taken back by the fact that she suggested that he move the computer to another room so he wont be bothered while he plays!A A When I finally got into counseling (after being addicted and getting involved in online affairs)A the first thing my counselor did was start getting me to cut down on my time on the computer and we ultimately got all FIVE of the computers out of the house. (at least for a couple of months, two are back now but I am still game free :) )A I truly feel your pain HateWoW.A I got involved in gamming because I developed a 'if you can't beatem, joinem' attitute and it was the worst decision I ever made for my family.A My husband was gamming all the time.A When he agreed to get the computers out of the house I was shocked and he was miserable.A It was literally like watching an addict go through withdrawls.A He layed around the house wouldn't do anything slept alot.A He still would not admit to being addicted but what that time did do was to get him to see what all of our gamming was doing to our family.A Since we have had a computer back in the house (which has been six months ago now) he has really been better about watching the time he spends on it and he gave up MMORPG's which was HUGE!A Your marriage counselor may not want to push too hard on the gamming thing right now.A Is she dealing with anything that may be a core issue that is causing him to withdraw?A Is there progress being made in any area?A Are you recieving benefits from it?A Does she recognize gamming as an addiction?A If not you may want to seek different counsel.A If your husband has been a responsible provider up to this point then why the sudden change, from what little I know about the situation it seems as if the game may be a symptom to something else going on with him.A If you are seeing progress then I would suggest letting the healing continue ...no matter how slow the progress seems...but if you do not and if he is truly taking advantage of you financially then it is time for 'tough love' I would say. Well that is my two cents, my thoughts and prayers are with you,
Debbie
Debbie, Thank you for your reply. When we first went to see the therapist, my husband complained to her that I was VERY controlling because I asked him to quit playing WoW and I was in charge of everything around the house and the family (just because he didn't care about anything, including all the bills, our daughter's homeowork, housework ... etc). He also lied to the therapist that he only played 6 hours a day, but in fact, he played anywhere from 10 to 16 hours a day. Then, the therapist asked him to stop playing for a week so she could come up with a plan. My husband didn't play for only less than a day, and he said to me that the therapist was just like me, controlling him about playing WoW. When we went back to the therapist, who asked if he did stop playing. The answer was, of course, NO. Thus, the therapist asked him how many hours he wanted to play and from what time to what time. He said from 9pm to 1am, four hours was enough ???, and during that time, I can't bug him at all. He didn't stick with that either. He said he was bored at home. Note that he really doesn't work much, maybe once a week. He sits on his butt all day long, and I am not home from 6am t 8pm on weekday, making a living for the family. He also set up internet access underneath the house, and hid there to play WoW. (I found out later he was hiding there a lot.) Most importantly, he could lie to me about how many hours he was on WoW. He hasn't been really supporting the family for the last 10 years. The more I make, the less he would want to work. Until he got on WoW, he "formally" declared that he is retired. He said there are a lot of men out there making a living for their families. In our case, I am the "man" or head of household. He even asked me (jokingly maybe) for allowance. He said if he was the one working, I would ask him for allowance. The truth is I have never stopped working since I got out of college. When the therapist asked him what his life goal was, he couldn't answer the question. He also said to me that he is way better than those hanging out at bars and pick up women. He also said that he is better in terms of number of hours spent on WoW than other addicts. I have read a lot of articles on the internet lately, and I realized he is a more serious addict than other addicts. He gets very angry at me when I talk to him about his addiction. He would push me (physically) out of his room (guest room turned into his playroom after the therapist suggested that) and locked the door. He denies that he is addicted. He keeps telling me that he is a man, and should be able to do whatever he wants. Being controlled by his wife is just not right. He is becoming another person. He could be very loving and caring, but right now, in his eyes, I am just the evil controller. I do also start questioning the therapist's experience in dealing with online game addiction. I might look into finding another one, a male psychaistrist because my husband says he trusts them more. That could be another excuse for him not acting on our current therapist's advice. I am very depressed, and I cry myself to sleep very often. I don't want to come home because I would only see him being on WoW, just like now. I don't know what to do. Please help!
Sorry I have to leave in a few minutes for a creative writing class, so I don't have a lot of time for a response but I wanted to address the one point above. Everything you have described above is pretty typical, from what I've seen, of an adult, married male online gaming addict. It parallels my own story very, very closely. I just wanted you to know now that your situation is not unique and despite how bad it may seem right now, it is something that is more than likely fixable. Everything you've described is actually pretty typical of someone in his situation. I am no therapist, but I'd be happy to speak with your husband and just to listen, not try and fix things, if he is interested. I too am married, have been where he is now, and have managed to get somewhat back on track with my life. Has he ever been diagnosed with depression or ADHD? Ron
Co-Founder of OLGA and member since 2002
Ron, Thank you for your offer. My husband does get depressed very easily, but never diagnosed with depression or ADHD. The BIGGEST problem is he doesn't admit that he is an addict. He said enjoying the game doesn't make him an addict, and it takes that long to play the game. He won't talk to you because he always tries to escape from facing the fact he is an addict. He gets a lot of mental support from his women online about playing WoW. I guess they give him a lot of respect for being a worrior. I just can't show my respect for an addicted gamer. He also claims that I drives him there because I am very cold to him. What he doesn't realize is because he is addicted to the game, that's why I am walking further and further away. He also said that I need to seek help, not him, because I am obsessed with him playing. I can't get through him. Do you know of any program he can go to to get help? Many thanks. HateWoW
Give your therapist the address of this site. It might help.
Leveling in Real Life
HateWoW, I agree with Diggo, don't despair that he is beyond help, his story really is more typical than you know. He really sounds a lot like my husband. He also used the "At least I'm home and not out in bars" excuse as if those are the only two options!! He also claimed not to be on as much as others, as if that is the plumb line he should be using! When you mentioned about checking into getting a male counselor, that rang true with me as well. We got to the point where we knew we needed counseling and I knew that it would have to be a male for him to really respect what was being said. The fact that your husband is willing to continue to go to counseling even though he is hearing things he does not like says to me that he on some level wants to work things out and that is very positive. Come back here often and get the support you need. Also remember to do things for you and for your daughter. Get out of the house when you can and/or stay home and enjoy things that relax you. We can only change ourselves and as my couselor told me MANY times "you will be surprised at the difference one healthy person in a family can make" it turned out to be true for us. My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Debbie
Even though you are talking about a grown man here, I was struck by how similar both the strategies the therapist came up with and your husband's responses were to my daughter's. My daughter thinks that she should have more autonomy over her time and that we are too controlling (especially me, mom). Akin to your husband's "I could be at the bars", hers is "I could be doing drugs." Maybe so, but unlikely and bottomline is I think that is manipulative. Her therapist had also advocated the strategy of her choosing some time (say after chores and homework) that she could play. None of these have really worked or if they did, it was only for a day and then it was right back to the old pattern. She also becomes angry and extremely rude when we tell her to get off. She quit her part time job a few months ago (although she now says she applied for another one). We have responsibility for supporting her, but it seems to me in a partnership, the partner should take on some of that responsibility. On other posts in this forum, I have seen people giving spouses an ultimatum. Maybe that's what you have to consider? I have a sister whose husband spends all his time on-line (even if it is not for a game, it's still a huge problem). I have asked her to consider what she gets out of that relationship--no companionship, no sharing of responsibilities and she has ended up supporting him and all his addictions. She keeps saying that he has to go but nothing has happened yet. At least your husband agreed to counseling and it seems you want the marriage to be saved. Could be that the way to save it if all else fails is the ultimatum. My two cents.
Unfortunately, I don't know of any particular programs, although even if I did, they would only be successful when your husband reaches the point where he's willing to get help. Do you do the typical "wife" things for him like laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, etc? If so, maybe it's time you stopped. Let his clothes pile up, let him cook his own meals and when there is a break in game, let him come to the kitchen and find a fridge with no food. What a lot of women do is they feel sorry for their husbands so they try that much harder to keep them happy and in essence, enable them to continue his behavior. Gamersmom wrote a wonderful letter to her son telling him exactly how his playing and neglecting of his responsibilities was affecting his family. Perhaps she will share it with you and you could modify it for your husband. While he is in the midst of his gaming, he has become a child again, and you are the nagging parent who says nothing right and who only wants to keep him from having fun. Unfortunately, much of what you will do to get him to stop will be seen as adversarial. By you writing a from-the-heart letter to him explaining exactly how his behavior is affecting you, you can at least get everything out of your system. Maybe what you could do in the mean time is to find a new hobby and local group to meet new people and make new friends. Meetup.com is a great place to find groups of all kinds. Perhaps if he sees you spending time with other people, it might finally register in his head that there's a problem. As for the "enabling" thing, I think it's important that you don't do anything to shield him from any potential consequences that might arise from his gaming. Let him cook his own meals, do his own laundry, and if you run out of toilet paper in the bathroom, let him change it. Sorry, I wish I had some definite things to try, but until he wakes up one day and sees some consequences of his actions, he's not going to be willing to change. The question is, how long are you willing to tolerate it? Ron
Co-Founder of OLGA and member since 2002
satyag, It sounded to me that the therapy that your daughter is receiving is not helping much. Since I didn't see much progress, I asked my husband if he wanted to see a male Dr. pychologist and he said no. He said, "We started with that therapist, and we should end with that therapist." However, he is constantly telling me that he needs second opinion on his addiction. I really don't know what he is thinking. He is telling me that I am not on WoW that much anymore, but he actually shifts the time to Free Cell. There is actually no difference in my eyes, except he doesn't have the opportunity to develop online relationships. The therapist called today, and she said as long as my husband is willing to see her, it is a good start. I don't think we can always stay in the "start" stage. Is your daughter still seeing her therapist? What new strategies is she using on your daughter now? Thank you for your reply. hateWoW
To be honest, from what insight I have into the "therapist" profession, there are lots and lots of black sheep who have no idea at all how to councel, let alone heal people. ItA's not taught in the university and is not part of the curriculum of being a psychologist at all (at least here in Germany) Maybe letting your higher power guide you to a good therapist who can help you would work, the woman does not sound like she has much of a clue ... "as long as he is willing to see me is a good start" ... is a good start for her purse, but not for your healing! Max
Speaking of therapists/psychologists... I am forced to recall how my psychologist of 4 years ~ after I spoke for hours about my problem with WoW ~ simply scratched her head and suggested I just "play at night." I wanted to seriously SHAKE HER. Some people, regardless of their profession and education, just don't get it. :( Love, Solei
-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-
Or maybe some of these therapists are gamers themselves and unwilling to admit that THEY have a problem. I never cease to be amazed at how pervasive and widespread this problem is in ALL walks of life.
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
Solei, I see your point. Our therapist doesn't even have a computer in her office. She is in her 60s. She also told us to sleep in separate rooms, asked me not to bug him about game playing. Since then, our realtionship is getting worse. My husband always uses her and says, "The therapist told you not to bug me." At this point, my husband is only willing see her. It costs a lot of money to get nowhere, and the money is actually coming out from MY pocket, not his. What if we just stop seeing her? What will happen? hateWoW
Look for another therapist, preferably a wholistic one, as there seems to be a greater chance of them understanding what they are doing
No surprise there. If his therapist's suggestions seem to reinforce to your husband that there isn't any serious problem then it's no wonder why he is only willing to see her. From all the stories I've heard from people and from first hand experience, it's clear many therapists don't understand the problem. If you are paying for the therapist and you believe it's only driving a wedge between you then maybe it's time for a change. I realize that many will take issue with the following point, but I don't think that a female therapist in her 60s is necessarly the best person to understand the implications of a young male's online computer gaming addiction. Seriously, think about the online sub-culture, the relationships, the "language" like ROFLMAO, and LOL and :) and all of the other subtleties that go along with it.A Similarly, when my mother was alive, going through her depression and when she was not taking care of herself as a widow in her 70s, I was angry with her and how she wouldn't take care of herself. An "older" friend of the family had to sit me down and explain that my perception of what my mom was going through was probably nothing like what my momA was actually going through. I had to concede that sometimes, there are just things that people with vast age differences (two or more decades) cannot relate well to. Now if your problem with your husband was just communication or about an affair or something else more mainstream, then perhaps it would be easier to understand. But most older folks who did not grow up having computers around and who do not have them as integral parts of their daily lives cannot, I don't believe, really understand the implications and problems that go along with online gaming/Internet addiction. To many of them it is simply about cutting down the amount of time spent on the activity if it's causing a problem. They may not understand the addictive nature of what, to them, seems like just looking at a screen like TV watching. In fact, many treat as if this were the case. A couple approaches I've seen some psychologists use to treat this problem involve the gamer making a real effort to fix his problem rather than just talking and counseling. One of the approaches involves the gamer keeping a log of the times and hours that he plays and the emotions that he feels and experiences as he plays. That's the kind of interactive activity that I believe a gamer needs to have with a therapist if he is going to really break free. Just talking, I don't believe, will cut it. For what it's worth... Ron
Co-Founder of OLGA and member since 2002
My daughter's therapist is male. I actually think in many respects he is good for her. She also has a psychiatrist (female) she sees whom she does not particularly like. I think she does not like the psychiatrist because it was the psychiatrist who suggested we take away the computer and only allow her to be on to do her homework. Our daughter didn't start out getting treatment for what I think is game addiction but for depression (including suicidal thoughts). The game came later, introduced by the then boyfriend. At this point I wish my husband would take the approach to the game that he took with the boyfriend (cutting off contact because the relationship was destructive to our daughter). I can't get him to see the gaming issue the same way. However, we recently started therapy together largely because of the disagreement over how to deal with this child. I'm sure most of you will not be surprised that most of my daughter's anger is directed towards me because I'm the one who thinks there is a problem and want some drastic changes. Bottom line is I have 2 levels of frustration to deal with, my daughter and husband. I am hopeful that we can work it out in time to save our child from herself and get back to being a happy family. Thanks for your support.
Ron, To your surprise, my husband is also in his 60s. That's why he says he is too old to be told what to do, by me or by the therapist. I am going to show the therapist some articles that I print off the internet. Would be that insulting to her? Thank you for your advice. hateWoW
I don't think it is insulting to the therapist to make her aware of this problem. I have sent my child's therapist the link to the site. I have a friend who is a counseling psychologist and I have made her aware of the site. I plan to share this with the school counselor, the psychiatrist and our therapist. I think the more informed people become the better for all of us. As an educator, I am never insulted when my students bring something to my attention. Indeed, I may raise this issue with colleagues at the university where I teach. I have read of people with college aged kids who have had a problem. As most of our classes go wireless, I have no doubt that many students will bring their games to classrooms as well.
Ok...well that does surprise me. I have become comfortable with the fact that this problem is common among folks in their 40s and even 50s. I would have hoped that it would have escaped folks in their 60s but apparently not. There is another woman who has been at the forefront of online addiction for a number of years. From her picture, (and I could get in trouble here...BIG trouble) she appears to be in her 60s and is on the staff of Harvard Medical School, treating online addiction problems, including gaming. Her email is right on the front page. Maybe she would be willing to give you some ideas on how to address things with your husband. Her name is Dr. Maressa Hecht Orzack, and her link is below: http://www.computeraddiction.com/ Why not shoot her an email? Ron
Co-Founder of OLGA and member since 2002
Please do raise the issue at your university, satyaq.A The students may or may not be bringing the games into your classrooms, but the games are DEFINITELY keeping some kids out of the classrooms.A If you have a student who suddenly stops showing up for class, he is probably sitting in his room playing WoW.A I think a discussion of gaming addiction should be part of every new student orientation on every college campus now.A They lectured at us parents (and the kids) about drugs and alcohol during my son's orientation, but never said a word about internet addiction or online gaming addiction.A If you're on a college campus, there is a lot you could do to help spread the word. Hatewow, I e-mailed Dr. Orzach the other day about my DSM-V project and got a very prompt and very nice reply from her. She seems like a nice lady. She mentioned that she gets 8-10 requests A DAY for help with gaming addiction. YIKES!
"Small service is true service while it lasts. Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one
The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,
Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth
I can only IMAGINE what my life would be like now if I had been turned on to MMORPGs in college. I recall laughing at the "boys" who spent their time playing EQ1 and Doom (not sure if that was MMO) while we were all going to class and partying. I am so, so, SO grateful that I finished school before my MMO stint. Gamersmom, if I can help you AT all w/ your DSMV Project, in any way, please let me know. Thank you ~ :) Love, Solei
-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-