To all the gamers out there

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ifonly
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To all the gamers out there

I am not active on olganon. I have just separated my husband of 18 years because after 3 to 4 years of trying. Towards the end, he could not convince me of his love for me. By the time I left my husband, he said he loved me and didn't game anymore, but after all these years together you learn to read the signs and his words didn't match everything else - including his actions. They were empty 'I love you's' in my mind. He used to play evony and had an online affair. You can learn more in the only thread I responded to: http://olganon.org/?q=node/28286

I still come here to get some answers. You see? I still love my husband but will not consider reconciliation. The trust is gone. But I need to validate my decision in order to move on with my life and heal. Well, for the first time I went to the olganon chat room, and I met a gamer with a very similar story. He loved his wife but could not show it and she is about to leave him.

I know that there are things only a gamer will understand, so please pardon me if what I am about to say it is impossible to accomplish by a recovering gamer.

"Gamers: If you stopped gaming (or not), still love your significant other and wants to be together - why not spend as much energy you spent on gaming in getting that accomplished instead?

This question might be naive but comes from all the pain I've felt and still feel for losing the love of my life. I was not asking much - just the truth (which I don't think I got), and some sort of proof of love.

I love, abolutely love what 'badgames' said on post #20 of http://olganon.org/?q=node/28286.

I sincerely hope that all of you who are truly in love have the ability to leave the past behind and engage in getting back the love of your lives ... before it's too late.

All the best!

pete1 (not verified)
In another

In another addiction/recovery programme I was involved in, we used to say, if you put even 1/2 the effort into quitting as you did into your addiction (gaming, drugs, drinking, etc) you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

I am not one to take the inventory of another person, ifonly, but it appears to me you may have chosen the wrong partner and you need to heal yourself. Best of luck with this.

- pete

Silvertabby
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Hi ifonly.  I was wondering

Hi ifonly. I was wondering if you and your husband have been to marriage counseling. That would be the place to start. If you still love your husband, I would think you would do whatever it takes to keep the marriage intact. You said he had stopped gaming and has told you he still loves you. Even though you don't believe he really means it, have you given him a chance to prove it?

I've been in a marriage for 23 years and don't feel like I've ever really loved my husband, but I'm finally doing something about it by going to counseling myself as well as we are getting counseling as a couple. It takes a lot of hard work to change ourselves and our marriage, but I'm hopeful that eventually we'll be happier than we've ever been. Gaming was my way of running away from it, but since I've stopped gaming, I'm finally facing it.

I hope you can find the answers and be happy in whatever you decide.

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

ElizabethA
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Hi Ifonly...I did what you

Hi Ifonly...I did what you are doing. I left an addict because he wasn't 'with' me, but rather with his addiction--it was cocaine but it was just as addicting as gaming. It was hard to leave but I have no regrets.

It was a long time ago, and the year after I left was very difficult, but it was also exhilerating. It was a complete change in my direction and it lead to meeting some wonderful life-long friends, and it also lead to a fantastic man whom I am still married to, as well as the birth of a beautiful daughter.

I googled my ex recently. He turns out to have cleaned up and had a pretty successful career as well. So it worked out for all of us. Some people, I think, are just not meant to make it as a couple.

ElizA

.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!

.

Patria
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I definitely hear you on

I definitely hear you on this one. If an addict (whether gamer, drug addict, alcoholic) refuses to recover, then there is little common ground for a marriage to be healthy and whole.

Addiction is very similar to mental illness, when we are addicted and focusing in on our addiction, we are not present in reality. We're in a reality of our own making.

Unfortunately, recovering from addictions takes a lot of work. It's simple to recover, but it's hard work. It isn't easy.

Gaming addiction, which I got caught up in 8 years ago, took over my life, which is really unfortunate, and I regret this with all my heart. Luckily I found OLGA and have had another chance to fully recover with no addictions at all.

To recover means not only to repair what I can, but to make sure I am totally present in my life and my married life. My amends must be real. I can't just say "I'm sorry" but I have to live the apology. I have to do all that I can to make sure.

My husband was totally neglected, by me...even though I thought I was just having fun, and why can't I? We're both retired, why can't he leave me alone to have fun? But after 6 months of release from excessive gaming, I realized that I was never with my husband, because when not gaming, I was thinking of gaming or planning gaming or w/e. I was NEVER present with that poor man.

I'd rather be the addict than the spouse of an addict. At least as an addict, I can choose to get well and repair the errors of the past. Suffering spouses are only able to take care of themselves as best they can.

If your addict refuses to recover there isn't anything you can do.

But take care of yourself, and give yourself the love and kindness you deserve.

ifonly
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Thanks for your comments,

Thanks for your comments, @Silvertabby, @Patria, @ElizabethA, @Pete1.

We did go to couples therapy but that didn't yield much. He agreed to go to therapy and as far as I know he is still going to it. I believe he read all the books, articles etc... I gave him. He did admitted he was an addict but I gues the 4 years in hell (it didn't start as hell but progressevely we did get there) took a serious toll in our relationship and maybe he fell out of love.

I understand the difficulty to prove love and be true when you are still in denial - I just don't understand why recovering gamers - possibly over 4 or 6 months clean can't show love to the person they say they love.

I am sure I am simplifying and our minds are so complex that may be a reason (or several) - but... I have to say... what ended the relationship in the end was not necessarily the gaming but after he stopped (he says he did) the fact that he could not prove his love to me.

I don't expect you to tell me the reasons why he was not able to do so, because it may be simply the fact he fell out of love but was afraid of what was ahead of him. What I was wondering is if any of you, experienced that inability to prove your love to the ones you do love.

I am thankful for this community and I do appreciate all the great insight I get here.

Cheers!

Patria
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Well, there is a saying in

Well, there is a saying in AA: if you are a horse thief when you get sober, chances are you will still be a horse thief. In other words, what a person is--the person he became when he was in his addiction--will still be there UNTIL he starts changing.

Change is hard because most addicts/alcoholics/addicted gamers etc. might just stop the addiction, but their attitudes and actions are still exactly the same, but WORSE because now he/she doesn't have their drug/game/alcohol to cope with.

That's why there are programs (as in AA, Narcotics Anonymous, OLGA) to help us change from the person we became through the addictions, to the person we want to be: helpful, unselfish, loving.

If you take away the games, etc., he's still an addict but now without his coping helper. It will still be worse.

The addict becomes selfish and self-centered. The program is meant to get us out of ourselves and into being a social person again.

Hugs

Andrew_Doan
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ifonly wrote:  Gamers: If
ifonly wrote:

Gamers: If you stopped gaming (or not), still love your significant other and wants to be together - why not spend as much energy you spent on gaming in getting that accomplished instead?

Addiction is an illness. For an illness the sick needs medication. In my journey, God is POWERFUL medicine and living with daily doses saved me and rejuvenated my marriage.

I did what you said above.I started "gaming" my wife and life. I started first by applying the principles in the book "Winning your wife back before it's too late." Second, I applied the concept of the "love bank" on marriagebuilders.com.

Over the course of 5 years, I won back trust. Over the course of 5 more years, we achieved mutual adoration and incredible blissful marriage.

Today, I will never touch gaming because I know the truth about my addictive nature and that I am powerless over gaming!

In regards to gaming life, since I stopped gaming in 2004, I founded: www.eyerounds.org, www.medrounds.org, www.credentialprotection.com, www.eye-socal.com, and the newly founded www.vireomd.com. I relapsed in 2007 with WoW for one year, threatening all I achieved above. I was able to see my marriage, family, and businesses suffering.. again. I stopped for good in 2008!

Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD

My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.

ifonly
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Thanks to all for your

Thanks to all for your candid input. As I said, I am not a gamer and I don't know all the details about what you go through. What's in my mind is logic, I guess. If I love someone and the person I love is about to leave me because I can't show my love, I will do anything I can to keep that person close.

I also understand that's only possible after you quit - when you are in the midst of your addiction you don't see anything but the game, I guess.

@Patria you replay #6 was very insightful, thanks! And @mudphud I am so happy you were able to 'change things' and win your wife back. I wish I knew the book and the sources you mentioned - I gave my ex-husband tons of books and references, but didn't give those.

rehabgamer
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I had a discussion with my

I had a discussion with my therpaist on this very topic. I find it hard to broach an uncomfortable subject face to face but very recently found if I do it in the way that I have trained myself these last few years (use my fingers instead of my mouth) I can get it started. That ambguity behind the keyboard seems to carry over in subtle and not so subtle ways into real life.

Then when we do talk the idea, feeling, emotion that was so hard to bring up talking at first is already out there and I have taken ownership of it so the conversation is started. The elephant in the room is not ignored because I have already started to address it. It is not perfect and I am teaching myself how to get back to beginning with verbal. First is to crawl ,then walk, then run.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
~ Mark Twain

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