Another lonely Gamer's Girl...

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belowthesky
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Another lonely Gamer's Girl...

Well, I guess It's safe to say, Like most of you here, I have a boyfriend who is addicted to gaming.

I want to start off by saying I was not aware of the extent of the issue or how much it would affect me, my life, and my relationship.

My boyfriend and I started dating a little over 2 years ago. He moved in with me about 6 months into things. Then he got the idea that we should move half way across the country to Texas (we lived in New Jersey). His exact words wre "I want to give you a better life than I could give you here." Little did I know that would mean abandoning my job, school, family and friends... all of which I regret wholy giving up... but I just didn't know the mess I was getting myself into.

I didn't see his problem at first because he lived with me. I didn't have video games. Personally I think they're a waste of time and money. Do something construtive with your time god **** it! Anyway...

Here I am 2 years later, lonely, feeling unattractive, morbidly depressed, and desparate. I have been to anger managment because of all of this. I wish to go I was joking...

Once we got to Austin, Texas he got an Xbox and it has been downhill ever since. I am a nature nerd. I love being outside and exploring. I ask him to go for a walk or even to the bar. But to no avail. Whatever game he's hooked on at the time is way more interesteing than anything this incredible city could possibly offer. (note my sarcasm...)I feel like we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of what it has to offer.

I've made some friends, but I'm a pretty shy and private person, so really finding that buddy that fills your heart and soul with warmth has been really hard and unsucessful. Besides, that's what I'm supposed to have him for, right? I just want to experience this great new life that he promised me. Hell, I want to experience life with him PERIOD. Instead of the mundane every day routine.I miss my friends and family so much. I feel like I'm wasting away here... Granted, I have a fantastic job working at a Co-Op that would never be available to me in NJ (because they don't have then), but I'm almost thinking it's not worth it...

Every day is the same... I get home from work, clean up, take care of our animals, and wait for him to come home and hope against hope that he'll want to go on an adventure with me, or even just go for a walk. But, to my demise, every day, he comes in the door, sits on the couch, and turns on the xbox. He has a friend he made on there that lives in Ariona that he considers his "best friend". They play games for hours. He gets home around 4 and usually plays until about 10 or later, then switches to netfilx (this is a new thing because he got tired of me complaining about not being able to even make use of the the tv) I have voiced my pains and sadness about him wanting to game instead of spending time with me, only to get " I am spending time with you right now." Which is him sitting in scilence or talking to his buddy online while I paint or clean or play with the animals.

Oh, yes, the animals. We have 2 dogs..Why 2? Because I thought it would bring us together. Originally he wanted a dog, so I got one too, thinking we could go on walks together, right? WRONG! Dead wrong... His dog doesn't even know how to walk on a leash. I can count on one hand the times he's taken his dog for a walk. Mine, his's brother, can walk by my side, without a leash, and is fully trained, while his has to stay cooped up in the house and has some pretty bad behavioral problems, simpy because my guy is too busy gaming to train his dog.

The seducing thing, doesn't really work. I made the mistake of doing it once while he was playing because I was so... erm... wound up. Now he thinks that can count as being intimate.

He doesn't do anything at all around the house. If I didn't clean up, he wouldn't care either. Believe me, I've tried that strategy. To the point where there was maggots in the kitchen sink, and he didn't give one puck.

I love him. I really do. Before the xbox came into the picture, we used t have so much fun! Going to museums, hanging out with friends, going on adventures, seeing new things. Now I feel like I'm condemned to a life of solitude taking care of the chores and animals. He's even told me before that if I don't like it, I can leave... I'm beginning to think that I should...

belowthesky
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It hurts so much worse

It hurts so much worse because I gave up littlerally EVERYTHING to be with this person, and he can't put down the controller long enough to get out of the house.

I feel like I'm the insane one. If I ever ask if we can go or a walk or go out I get this response like... "what the hell does she want NOW? Why do I have to deal with you and YOUR needs..."

I want my companion back... Not this bump on a log I'm stuck with now...

John of the Roses
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I am positive you would get

I am positive you would get great ideas and strategies if you read more posts in the my spouse/significant other is a gamer section. I know my wife of six years started Facebook games and it would be nice to play with her but she played so much she is like level 320 of something and its a whole different game then and I dont care for it. I heard her talking to her Brother on the phone last night, and she was complaining that I wasnt spending time together. I try and watch the shows on TV that she likes, aliens and area 51 and er drama, but she only pretends to watch them while she plays facebook games like cityville and the infamous Farmtown. She even had me move her computer desk from the florida room to the living room and got a crummy chair for me to sit in. We went looking for a recliner today, but we cant afford one. We have four cats, everytime I wanted to get one, she would say get two so they could keep each other company. I change the litter and guess who sleeps in the florida room with the boxes, (three boxes for foue cats)? You are in the right place here belowthesky, there are plenty of gamers who can identify with you in retrospective and also some anon's (spouses and significant others of gamers). So keep coming back to check on responses to your post and to read others, that will really help. Also really good is the online chat meetings that are evry night now I believe. I wish you well.

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

Ariyeh
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Dear belowthesky, Welcome to

Dear belowthesky,

Welcome to OLGA, and thanks for posting such a powerful, eloquent description of your painful relationship.

belowthesky wrote:

I love him. I really do.

Of course you do! You love him because, in the early days of your relationship, you bonded with him. And even though he's no longer "feeding" you the way he once did, you remember how good it was, and long to have those experiences with him again.

You may as well give up the idea that there's something either HE or YOU can do to make your relationship satisfying again. He's addicted to the dopamine high from gaming, and probably no longer capable of being truely present with ANYONE in real life. If he wasn't addicted, he might see you again as a source of pleasure, and feel ENERGIZED to be a partner with you in creating a beautiful life together. Wouldn't you like your partner to be doing things with you because he WANTS to, and not because you've been pleading for more attention? I'm so sorry - that's just not going to happen while he's addicted to gaming.

I'm sure the bonding that develops between partners who love each other has a powerful chemical / hormonal component, maybe even dopamine, like what gaming addicts have to deal with. That's what makes it so hard to walk away from a formerly pleasurable relationship. There's pain and pleasure in EVERY relationship, even where addiction isn't a factor, and everyone has to decide if the level of pleasure makes putting up with the pain worthwhile.

I know you don't want to find yourself becoming someone YOU no longer like. That's a real danger as long as you believe that, if only he'd change, things will get better. But it doesn't look like he's going to change at this time. So, while you're figuring out what to do with your life, get the support (here and elsewhere) to (a) feel your feelings in a safe setting, and (b) BEHAVE in a way that promotes your self-respect.

My personal philosophy is, it's never too early to grieve. There is something very powerful about the tears that come from the grief of LOSS, that is different from the tears that come from feeling like a victim. I remember grieving my mother's death well before she had actually died. And I remember grieving the loss of my 30-years marriage well before I had made the decision to end the marriage. You can remember the love and joy you once shared, and grieve the loss. Grieving in this way will help break the bonding.

SooOverIt
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I'm a gamers girl too. It

I'm a gamers girl too. It hurts so bad. I don't know why I put up with it anymore. He is not even the person I use to know.....

Ek1315
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Girl what happened you still

Girl what happened you still together

kris777
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I just wanted to ask the same

I always wonder, how challenging it can be to feel connected and understood in a relationship impacted by gaming. 

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