Any help would be appreciated

7 posts / 0 new
Last post
tab²
Offline
Last seen: 14 years 4 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/11/2009 - 5:14pm
Any help would be appreciated

Hello

I am not really sure where to begin. Perhaps that I am a recovering addict myself. I played WOW for a couple of years and have recently quit. I have not played in a couple of months and not played seriously (an hour in the morning maybe) for 6 months or so. Before that I played a lot. During that time I neglected my wife. I wasnaEU(tm)t so bad I tuned her out completely. She was always more important to me than the game (in my mind at least). I feel horrible about this.

Since I have emerged from my WOW induced stupor I have discovered that my wife is addicted to second life. She has been playing for a year. There are a couple of reasons she started playing. The first and obvious one is because of me. She had gone looking for something to fill her time and life while I was busy playing. But a second and equally important one is her mother. She has taken care of her since her father died 6 years ago. Up until this year she had only taken two or three visits per week to care for. This year however things got very bad and she passed away in October. The game also began as an escape from the pain and guilt surrounding her mother.

Regardless of how it began, it is now an addiction. She does not realize that she is addicted, I didnaEU(tm)t either, but the signs are all there. Less time for me more time for the game. If I try to interfere, I am controlling and selfish. (She is right about the selfish). Over the last several months it has gotten worse, more and more time online, anger at me if I interfere.

Last week, after months of fruitless discussions, she left me for two days, aEUoeI just want to be left aloneaEU. I was devastated, our 28 year marriage in ruins. Over the two days she was gone, we talked and cried and talked some more. I cried a lot. So much sadness and guilt, she is my best friend. She came back, saying she couldnaEU(tm)t do that to me. But the game is still controlling her.

On Monday I went to a therapist. I described the last years in detail including my addiction, and he attributed her game time to her mother. He even suggested that I join her. I tried that months ago (I am, after all, an addict) she says aEUoeNo this game is for me you would overwhelm meaEU. We talked about how I can help her get through the pain and guilt surrounding her mother. Before I knew it we were out of time and time and I had not asked how aEUoeIaEU should deal with her time on line.

I knew I had not gotten all the answers I needed and scheduled another appointment for Thursday. In the mean time my wife and I talked and cried some more. I am trying to help her with pain and guilt surrounding her mother. Monday night she actually went to bed at a reasonable hour. I had hope that night, but it was short lived. Wednesday I found this site. That is when I started reading about addiction.

Armed with the signs of her addiction I went back to the Doctor. I described the previous days in detail. To boil it down, I ended up with some coping skills and instructions to keep helping her with her pain. I love my wife and I know that her mother has affected her greatly. I know I have contributed to her pain. I want to help her through this. I also would like my wife back. (see, I told you I was selfish)

I know that the path of helping her through her pain it a journey I want to take. I will work on that forever if need be. However, the therapist is treating the game as a therapeutic device. This does not seem right to me, but I am not a trained professional. So I have a few questions. Should I change therapists? Should I confront her about her addiction? Should I suck it up and learn to cope while we work through our problems? Any thoughts you have would be greatly appreciated and thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

tabA2

the_real_me
the_real_me's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 5 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 08/22/2008 - 10:59am
Hi tab. You have quite a

Hi tab. You have quite a story here.

I too am a recovering wow addict. It sounds like you are on the right track by leaving wow. Your wife is grieving since her Mom passed away in October. It does take a long time to heal and there really is no set time limit.

The therapist's using the game as a therapeutic device doesn't sound right to me. Would he give an alcholic 2 beers a day?

It sounds like you really do love your wife. Don't give up.

There are other SL's in here who could probably give you some insight into SL itself.

The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09

tab²
Offline
Last seen: 14 years 4 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/11/2009 - 5:14pm
Thanks for replying I really

Thanks for replying I really appreciate It. I know it is hard for her and I am trying to give her some space and time. It is just hard. I miss my best friend.

Tab

Solei
Solei's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 7 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 07/20/2006 - 11:53pm
Hello Tab, I also had a

Hello Tab,

I also had a therapist and a psychiatrist mention whether I could just play WoW "before bedtime." Neither professionals realized that what I was dealing with was a full-blown addiction, as "before bedtime" turned into an all-night gaming spree.

It just furthers the fact that this addiction is still relatively new.

-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-

gsingjane
gsingjane's picture
Offline
Last seen: 12 years 11 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 06/05/2007 - 2:28pm
Good morning Tab, I'm glad

Good morning Tab, I'm glad you found OLGA. We have several Second Life addicts on this board who are aware of the particular allure of this game and I hope some of them will chime in here. SL does seem particularly appealing to women for some reason, and many users have wound up hurt and vulnerable because of excessive involvement with this game.

As the posters above have noted, here at OLGA we do not endorse or recommend the idea that addicted gamers can "control" their use. It's a tautology - if they could control their use, if they could stop any time they wanted, then they wouldn't be addicts. Most addicts will tell you that they tried to "manage" their time for years and failed repeatedly, and each relapse put them deeper in than they were before.

You are armed with good knowledge about how to deal with this addiction - in fact, probably better knowledge than your therapist - because you, yourself, have done it successfully. What did you do to quit? What techniques did you use? What led you to decide that you were an addict, and that it was time for gaming to end? Although you and your wife are different individuals, the things that worked for you may well work for her as well. This seems like it would be a great starting point at the least!

Good luck to you and keep fighting for your marriage. You are both worth it.

Jane in CT

tab²
Offline
Last seen: 14 years 4 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/11/2009 - 5:14pm
Thanks for responding

Thanks for responding Solei. I am still not sure what to do. I think I will keep working on her mother issues for a while and try to work with her addiction a bit more subtly. If I find that there is no progress I will change tacts.

Tab

tab²
Offline
Last seen: 14 years 4 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/11/2009 - 5:14pm
Thanks for responding

Thanks for responding gsingjane. I would be interested in hearing from some SL people. I hope they respond. I think I agree with the posters about controlling their use. She spent 12 hours straight on the game two nights ago all while being up and awake for the previous 26 hrs. I talked to her and got her to go to bed where she immediately fell asleep, although sayng moments earlier that she had tried to sleep and was unable to. I am sure that if I had not intervened she would have played all day. I will discuss this with the psychiatrist on Tuesday and gauge his reaction. If he thinks that is normal behaviour I may have to reasses my reliance on him for counselling.

As far as my addiction, I got lucky, most of my friends quit and I found myself on line and alone. I just started to spend less and less time on line and eventually I loss the desire for it. If my friends had not quit I am sure that I would still be there. But as of right now I have no desire to go back. My wife and I have talked about my quitting already, and I am starting to broach the subject with her. I don't think she understands what I am saying but I am planting seeds.

Thanks for your kind words.

Tab

Log in or register to post comments