boyfriend of 5 years . nothing i can do.

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ciinesic
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boyfriend of 5 years . nothing i can do.

I have no one to talk to so i have come to this forum.

My boyfriend and I just moved to NY from CA so he could go to grad school. he is 25 i am 29 and we have been in a relationship for 5 years. this is the first time we have lived together and we share a studio apartment. this is our 3rd week here. my boyfriend told me that i will have to accept he won't have any time for me because he will be busy studying.... heres the thing he plays LOL as much or more than studying. He tols me that in the past, he used to play WOW when he was in a long distance relationship with someone and it nearly ended it because of the excessive playing. he used to play LOL when we lived in CA.. but only played a couple times a week and even deleted it off his computer a few times. I used to mention that the gaming was taking up his time and he would instantly become mean and bring up anything that would hurt me or any of my vices (watching tv/having the ocasional drink or toke) to make me feel bad. so he knows i can't say anything because whenever i have brought it up.. its instant attack on me. Now that we are in our new place he attacks me that i haven't found a job yet, and that i am not exercising as much as he thinks i should.. i am getting afraid to talk to him which is scaring me because we are very close. when he wakes up i hear that frantic clicking from the LOL game , when i get home in the afternoon from searching for a job.. first thing i hear... *click click click click* and before bed.. it is the same.. he studies in between the gaming and tumblring and 4 chaning. So, there is absolutley no 1 on 1 time. I am getting really depressed, self destructive, and want to cry all the time. The game is becoming more and more important to him and me, less and less important. we don't go out, he asks me to make dinner (never offers to help) and do the grocery shopping. before the move to NY we spent alot of time together making music, watching movies, going to shows, talking about life and the world etc etc. now.... nothing. I am really freaked out. what should I do?

amywhitehawk32
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I'm so sorry your going

I'm so sorry your going through this. I'm going through the exact same thing unfortunately, what I've learned from olga is that when your low come on here and vent let it out. As much as you feel your alone outside of here your not there are so many others going throug the same thing. Its tough, sweetie I'm sorry. You just want to shake him and wake him up to see what he is doing to you but you can't only they can see when they want to. I'm afraid to talk to him too it doesn't do any good. I'm here anytime to vent to. I am new to this site too but there are a lot of people on here than can help encourage us from the discouragement of our so called lives. your new friend amy

ciinesic
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Hi amy. thanks for your

Hi amy. thanks for your response. so sorry to hear you've got the same thing happening.. it really is awful. glad to be in this supportive community.

Andrew_Doan
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If you live close to

If you live close to Temecula, send him to my Celebrate Group at Rancho Community Church.

Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD

My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.

Mrs_KC
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So sorry for your pain, one

So sorry for your pain, one that I too am very familiar with. This site has truly helped me a lot, I'm still struggling and fighting for my happiness, but I'm not going to give up. This site will help you understand that the gaming addiction is a very serious one, but there is not much that you can do, for him to leave the game, will have to be his decision. All you can do is make yourself happy somehow and hope that he will wake up and realize that he cannot loose you and make the necessary changes in his life and live once again.

Good luck to you, and we are here for you....read, write and stay strong.

Hugs xoxo

ciinesic
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update: so Friday evening my

update: so Friday evening my bf says "look I'm deleting LOL" and I said "good i am very proud of you". he says "now you need to reward me". I say "I absolutely will but not for 2 days so I know you are serious about quitting" he laughs it off and says "hah, that's too easy i could stay away from the game for longer than that". I say "ok it's a deal". Cut to yesterday morning...*click.click.click* I walk over to the screen and ask him why he is playing and said i thought he quit. He said he is playing because he felt like it. All day yesterday he played off and on.. (he was supposedly "studying") but it's obvious when he's playing. I finally had enough and said "well I'm not doing anything special for you.. You blew it and now you should owe me something". He instantly went into attack mode and told me he doesn't owe me anything and told me i shouldn't be watching TV anymore. When it comes to me confronting him, he can dish it out but he can't take it. i was depressed and angry for the rest of the day. Reason i am writing this now is because he said today he was studying all day and couldn't be bothered with anything.... what is he doing this second?????? *click*click*clicking away. Thanks for listening. I am at my wits end.

Mrs_KC
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Very sorry, but not

Very sorry, but not surprised. This will be a common thing for him to do, that's why he's an addict and in denial. You are may not be able to make him stop gaming, but you are not limited to what you can do, you have choices that you can make for yourself....start making yourself happy, do what you like, make a list of goals and believe in yourself....just a few suggestions.

I know, first hand how hard this is, but honestly what else can you do besides leaving him, which still goes back to doing what you must to for you, so all the same, you leave or you stay, you still need to be happy for you!!

Good luck and I hope you can make it to our meetings that are held on Saturdays, the next one is on 9/22 at 7pm EDT / 4pm PST....just for anons.

Hugs xoxo

exazzy
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Addiction is a cunning

Addiction is a cunning master. Good for you for showing some skepticism.

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

Andrew_Doan
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Not your fault. It's the

Not your fault. It's the addiction...

click... click... click.... dopamine burst... dopamine burst... dopamine burst....

a.ka. Digital Anti-Depressant

Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD

My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.

poohbearmomma
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I really thought I was

I really thought I was stupid for looking for help online about this. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years ourselves. He used to play evony and I realized it was changing his personality. He was mean and angry when the game would make him mad. And with me and our 5 kids that we have between mine his and ours together all here at home taking the brunt of his anger at a game I had asked him to stop playing. He would start " relationships" with his fellow people on the game and not even think about the people he had in the same room with him. I put down ultimatums and threatened to leave. None of it worked. He would sneak behind my back while I was in the shower or away from the house and play. He would slam the laptop shut when I would come into the room. Or he would leave another page open so he could quickly switch to it. It took me I would say almost 2 years to get him to actually delete the game for real. ( this is after he said he had done that twice already). Well now I've found out he is playing the same type of game on his phone. The real time games. He won't pay attention to what's going on at home. He take a 20 min cig when he used to be out there for only less than 5 min. Idk what to do anymore. He needs to grow up and figure out what he needs to do to get over this. I need help, am I supposed to just deal with it and love him anyway? Is there a way to make it stop? Please help!!! I can't do this anymore!

Melissa Evermore
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Hi ciin and pooh. Sorry to

Hi ciin and pooh. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I originally came to olga looking for a way to stop my partner from gaming constantly, but I soon learned that there is just no possible way for me to do that. So instead I focused on not enabling him, and on taking good care of myself. I stopped doing ANYTHING for him, stopped talking to him, stopped trying to be affectionate or include him in activities- and slowly but surely, he has started to come around and make the effort to contribute and be part of the family, and he has been cutting back severely on the games. I think the most important lesson is- if you continue to beg, plead, reason etc with him, and you keep being there for him at the end of the day, washing his socks and sharing his bed- well there is no reason for him to stop. He will just think to himself "well, I can play games and neglect my girlfriend/family, and she will still love me and be waiting in bed for me". Read my blog if you like, there might be something in there that is helpful to you, amongst many others who have been through the same thing. The more I read on here, the better I understood how I was perpetuating the problem and enabling him, so I stopped. And so far, things have been much much better.

Good luck to both of you, I hope you find the help you need here.

Gettingalife
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As I read these stories,

As I read these stories, especially Melissa's because she's been sharing her journey with us these past few months, I keep thinking,"Wow, these are such incredibly clear examples of the power of non-resistance" - of how resisting problems, attempting to control and restrict just doesn't produce the desired results, but the opposite.

"Unite your forces for good with the good that is seeking you. Remove and dissolve every obstacle by blessing it and being willing to understand it. Mark it no longer a stumbling block, but a stepping stone, leading to your highest good." ~ attributed to Raymond Holliwell I think?

Huge insight for me personally. I've been vaguely aware of the truth of this for a while in my own life, but it's like I'm suddenly really getting it.

Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake.  Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!

Mrs_KC
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Wow GaL, that quote is

Wow GaL, that quote is really strong....awesome!!

I agree with both Melissa and Gal.....at the end all we can do is make ourselves happy, as hard as it sounds, and it does take time, this is what you must achieve for ourselves.

Please read the forums and blogs, they do help and give a lot of insight, and if you can please attend one of our meetings, in particular the one on Saturdays, this next one will be at 7pm EDT / 4pm SPT.

Hope to see you there.

motheroftwo
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Hello ciinesic,  I

Hello ciinesic,

I completely understand what you are going through. I started going out with my husband when we were students. He started playing then. At that time I didn't think it was a problem, because the time spent together was fun. Eventually as his addiction worsened, he couldn't graduate and quit his university.

That was the first signal that he was becoming an addict. But I still hadn't realized what I was walking into. We got married and became pregnant. Living together with him, while me being pregnant made me see that he was getting more and more addicted. But I tried to calm myself he is stressed out, he's probably freaking out about becoming a daddy...

Some days when I couldn't get him to stop playing and come to bed with me, I would get so upset and depressed, I had suicidal thoughts. Only because there was a baby inside me I didn't hurt myself. (I was young then, now I would never ever think of hurting myself or my children because my husband is not paying attention to us.)

At that time to get his attention and/or calm myself I used to take walks in the middle of the night with a huge pregnant belly and he never once came after me, after my walks I would come back and he would still be playing. Our street was pretty safe, so thank god nothing happened to me.

Fast forward to 3 years ago, I believed he had completely quit. He had managed to graduate and got a job. He said job was so busy he has to work late hours, and on weekends, but instead of working late hours he was bringing his work with him. He wanted to finish it at home so that he could spend more time with us, rather than staying at the office. I was touched, I thought he was working this hard to provide for us! Maybe to make up for the time he wasted playing in the past.

But one day like so many other days, I caught him playing. I realized he was playing all those hours he spent in his office room pretending to be working. Then we negotiated that he can play a little bit every week, as long as he goes to work and spends time with us ...etc. He will just do it as a hobby, to get rid off his work stress he said.

It got worse and worse, now he wants to negotiate again, but I am not in a negotiation mood right now. I'm exhausted!

If I could go back to when I was young, before we married and had children I would warn myself "Run Away!!!" I guess this is my advice to everyone whose boyfriend/girlfriend is addicted to computer games. You are not married, you don't have any children, you have nothing attached to him/her, not yet! So run away, run away as fast as you can!!

My story is a sad story and I could tell much more of it. I know everyone is different, so you might find a different solution where you and your boyfriend end up together and happy.

I just wish someone would've helped me see how big him playing games would impact our lives, back then. And not to ever believe when he said he had thrown away the CD, deleted the files, or deleted the accounts, because he always managed to run it again no matter what.

Stay strong! hope you get your relationship back, and wish you the best of luck!!

John of the Roses
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Just a quick note/reminder:

Just a quick note/reminder: the Anon meeting is now on Fridays at 7 PM EDT.

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

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