Boyfriend's in denial

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ihatehippies
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Boyfriend's in denial

My boyfriend and I started playing WoW about a year and a half ago. A short while ago I realized that I was playing too much and am now a recovering addict. However, my boyfriend does not see that he has a problem. Whenever I bring it up, he gets offensive and says that he is not addicted at all and that he only plays an hour or two a day and he can quit whenever he wants to. He has weeks where he really does only play a couple of hours a day (which I think is still too much), but he also has times where he plays for hours and hours. His mom totally agrees with me that he is addicted, but he won't listen to either of us. I know that talking to him is useless. I know that he needs to realize that he has a problem, but when is that going to happen, if ever? I would really appreciate some tips from people who dealt with the same issue, their significant others being in denial about their addiction. Any advice would be really appreciated.

gsingjane
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Hello IHH (I am sure there

Hello IHH (I am sure there is an interesting story behind that name!),

Welcome to OLGA. I am sorry that your relationship with your boyfriend is suffering due to WoW. You aren't the first and certainly won't be the last!

Perhaps a good thing for you to do would be to think about how you, yourself, came to break free of the chains of compulsive gaming. Did anyone say anything to you that caused you to quit? What was the combination of circumstances that led you to conclude that "enough is enough"?

Usually in the case of someone who is well and truly addicted, that person has to reach their own personal "bottom" or low point, before it dawns on them that it's going to be time for a mid-course correction. Sometimes people need to hit multiple low points. Other posters here have indicated their own low point came when... for example... a spouse walked out and finally filed for divorce after threatening for years. The gamer looked in the mirror and saw a weight gain (or loss) of 100 pounds. The gamer lost his job. The gamer failed all her classes and was kicked out of college. The gamer's child cried and cried when the gamer pushed him away from the scrreen for "spoiling a raid." The gamer skipped a close friend's funeral or wedding in order to game. The list goes on. Nobody can know where your boyfriend's specific low point will come.

One thing I know for certain is that you aren't going to be able to argue or nag your boyfriend out of being addicted to gaming. If you want, you can keep track (just to yourself) of the hours he spends gaming, for say a coouple of weeks, so the next time it comes up you can be armed with the facts. (You can also use the "/played" function in WoW for this.) Be prepared for the fact that he may have a lot of anger over this, though, so whether or not you do it will really depend on how much you want to be "right" the next time the issue comes up.

The other major thing you should think about is, especially if you'd like to hasten the arrival of your boyfriend's moment of clarity, whether you are shielding him from the consequences of his actions. We call this "stopping the enabling." Anything you do that makes it easier or possible for him to game... has just that effect. He may like to have you bring him supper at the computer, or buy him Red Bull, or lie to his boss so he can keep on gaming, but the longer you do this, the longer you'll make it possible for him to avoid the consequences of his actions. And, as I say above, the more you do to put off that day of reckoning, the longer it will take to come.

Some things to think about!

Jane in CT

biketwit
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Hello IHH, Sorry to hear

Hello IHH,

Sorry to hear about the problem. I have a gamer husband and he denies his issue. I realize how hard it can be when you are trying to live in reality, and others have their own version of it. Your thoughts, feelings and beliefs about how much time they are in game are probably more valid than what they are willing to admit. Some amount of lying to themselves/denial is involved, so stick to your guns if you'd like to help. Jane is right about stopping the enabling. I am still working on that, and even though I know better sometimes it happens.

Read some things on this board, it will definately help you figure out some next steps.

Take care

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