Since my wife discovered SL, she has been out of the house only once. The Sunday before last, the a Capella women's group she formed sang at both services at church. She tells me she does plan to sing at the Spring Concert next Sunday afternoon. (She hasn't been going to practices, but the choir director has been emailing sound files to her, and she's been practicing--she says--with those.)
At church last Sunday, several people independently were very solicitously and concernedly asking about my health. It seems that with all of my wife's cancellations and postponements, she's been telling everyone I've been ill. (A quick look at my non-OLGA blog would show otherwise; I write about work, going to concerts, and a road trip to a radio convention just last weekend.)
"We haven't seen her around. Has she been sick?" I am this close (fingertips 1/16" apart) to saying, "No. She'd just rather party with her SL friends 18 hours a day than spend any time with you."
Here are some of the things she has blown off because of SL:
- The kids' choir our daughter is in sang at both services last Sunday. My wife was at neither of them.
- The evening before my birthday, I developed shortness of breath and tingling, crushing chest pain. A friend took me to the ER around 10:30 p.m., and I was there until 2 p.m. (I turned out I had pleurisy, but my doc has told me to go to the ER whenever I have chest pain, because heart disease is so rampant in my family.) She did not go to the hospital with me, and whenever my friend or I called, she sounded impatient and eager to get off the phone.
- The piano and voice lessons she teaches are falling by the wayside, especially if the person has pre-paid. She may go ahead and teach them if they'll pay that day.
- She missed a baby shower Sunday. The prospective mother is a girl we've known since she was in fourth grade. She said she just doesn't like baby showers (which may actually be true. The only one she's gone to since we've been together has been for our daughter.)
When I was paid Thursday, she insisted $200 (American dollars, not Linden dollars) go on a debit card because "I'm buying a business!" I indulged her, because Saturday I was headed to Cincinnati to spend money like a drunken sailor at the Old-Time Radio and Nostalgia Convention, an annual "vice" of mine. Next payday, no debit card money, 'cause there are First Life bills we had better pay.She and I don't have a lot of mutual friends; there is a clear line of demarcation between her friends and mine, although when they're all together it's not totally oil and water. But I'm beginning to think an intervention may be in order. Her friends collectively may make her see reason. She'd not take it seriously from me. But, I have no "or else" card to play. I can't afford to move out (our cash flow problems way predated the SL situation), and there's no intensive treatment program for something like this in our area.
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."--CYRIL CONNOLLY, The New Statesman (02/25/1933)
In my opinion, lying for the addict (or covering up the truth) is a form of enabling. I'm sorry this sounds harsh, but it's another thing keeping your wife from confronting reality.
Jane in CT
Hi Conusmound,
My feeling is that you should always be honest to the addict, and everyone should know. Covering up for the addiction will just let it continue. She needs to be completely, and totally aware of the consequences of her behavior. The consequences may or may not make a difference to her, but she needs to know, so she can't hide from them. Right now, her addiction is telling her that SL is preferable over RL. The consequences of abandoning RL hasn't hit her it seems, or she just doesn't care. At any rate, hiding it will NEVER help.
Good luck and many blessings,
Addicted to SL
Dear Conusmound,
What room of the house does your wife play Second Life in?
How old and what gender are your kids? Can they see her monitor?
You need to let your familial community know what's going on. You need help. What would happen if you invited people over for an evening of pizza and salad (something easy), a few of her friends, a few of yours? You could tell her you are inviting over "John" and "Mary" (a couple of your friends) and shall "we" invite "Cathy," too (her friend)? Try to get at least one of her friends in. Do it even if the house is a mess. Get ready made pizza and salad, use paper plates. Get people in to this inner sanctum of Second Life. Her friends need to know what is going on. The point of having people over is also to get your wife to "see herself" through someone else's eyes.
Serena
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." Albert Einstein
"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Joan Baez
hmmm, you lie about her to real-life friends and family, covering up for your shame, while she yells at you for giving her shame inside that game? with non-real 'friends' in a social network?
and she makes excuses that you are sick so she can cancel on appointments and schedules?and on the moment you are really sick and in the hospital she barely cared?
give her a dose of real-life shame might just push her more inside SL, to really avoid friends and family, it'll just give her more excuses to feed her addiction.
and letting her spend real-life money inside the game letting real-life bills get more strained?
stop covering for her. stop doing the chores for her. stop cooking/ preparing stuff. stop paying electricity/ subscription/ dsl. it has to stop. pull her out of that, now.
Yesterday is a canceled check;
Tomorrow is a promissory note;
Today is the only cash you have,
so spend it wisely.
-Kay Lyons
This link has been posted before, but I still find it to be the best explanation of the way SL can ruin real life. When someone asks you what's really going on, just send them this link:
http://www.guba.com/watch/3000122615/Virtual-Adultery-and-Cyberspace-Love
Sure, the "victim" Lee is kind of a wimp, but my initial reaction to what my wife was doing was a lot like his.
[color=blue]The vid is great, just be aware of extensive game footage before tuning in.[/color]
I do have Asperger's--is it that obvious?
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."--CYRIL CONNOLLY, The New Statesman (02/25/1933)
I like your idea of an intervention.
Don't wait any longer.
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
A few thoughts on intervention and confrontation. Im married for 24 years and i know we get into these routines of live and let live. See no evil. Else how do we cope day in day out. This however is different than the normal stresses and strains of a relationship. Put the 800lb gorilla out where everyone can see it. Start by calling it addiction. You can copy and paste many of the stories her to prove it. Dont get emotional or relate it to yourself and your feelings. Dont hide anything. In response to any and all justifications and raationalizations state the facts: you are addicted and you are ruining your life. Make this the starting point for all your discussions. - dark