Feeling Lost and Needing Support. New here with a husband addicted to Guild Wars 2.

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StillHoping
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Feeling Lost and Needing Support. New here with a husband addicted to Guild Wars 2.

I have been lurking here for a long time. Before now, my husband has been completely consumed by various games, the worst of which was WoW. I very nearly left him over WoW a few years ago. WoW is now banned outright in our house because it was that or divorce, but other games have very easily filled that niche for him. He has never gone without playing a game for more than a day or two and it's more common that he will play every day, several hours a day. I can't recall our last "game-free" day...

A few months ago, my brother-in-law got my husband Guild Wars 2 so they could play together. Imagine my dismay when I find it is incredibly similar to WoW. Now, my husband is once again completely engrossed in an online world. He lives to play. I am secondary. Our two beautiful girls, and another due in January, are secondary. Housework is secondary. Romance is secondary (I have been turned down or ignored many times when wanting to have sex or date night). Our life is secondary.

Every spare moment, he spends playing. He gets extremely volatile if his gaming is interrupted or if I request help with the house or kids. He gets home from work and gets on the computer and plays until 2 or 3 in the morning. On weekends, it consumes him. He gets on first thing in the morning and plays all day, again, even into the wee hours of the morning.

I love him, but it hurts to feel like he would rather be spending time on his game than with me and our kids. I honestly feel like if I gave him an ultimatum, he would choose the game (after accusing me of overreacting, of course). I hate feeling so resentful of him. I hate feeling so rejected. I hate that my soulmate has become my roommate. I feel like I am about to break.

Sorry to be so longwinded, but I really don't know what to do and had to get this all off my chest. I feel so alone. Do any of you have any suggestions? It's been 6 years of this and I don't know what to do now...

Mrs_KC
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So sorry to hear your pain,

So sorry to hear your pain, as I am also a wife of a gamer. All I can say is make yourself happy, and join our chat meetings just for anons, they take place every Friday at 4pm pst/7pm eastern, we can help each other with all these horrible feelings and give each other support. This situation is very difficult, it is hard to give advise, cause only you know what you feel and how long you will stand for it. I love my husband too, and I am still battling with him to leave the game, just not sure how long I can continue the fighting, feeling so alone and empty.

Hugs xoxo

Patria
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Welcome StillHoping! There

Welcome StillHoping! There is an Anon meeting here on Fridays, led by Mrs_KC, I would highly recommend it.

For another point of view, us ex-gamers (and gamers trying to quit) are here for you also, we know what you are going through, and support you a 100%. We have chat meetings every night, come join us.

Our message in the meetings is recovery, for both the ex-gamer and the family/friends of gamers. We all want recovery. Either to quit the games, to stay game-free, or not to get sucked up in the gamer's insanities.

And that's what it is, addictive gaming is insanity. I know this personally because I am a recovering gamer and all I can say is my entire 8 years of addictive gaming was a form of insanity. I started off with a game called Asheron's Call 2 which progressed into WOW for the next 7 years...and just quit last year June 1.

Welcome to recovery!

Melissa Evermore
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Hi still. I feel for you. I

Hi still.

I feel for you. I have been living the game-widow nightmare for years and have tried many different things to "snap him out of it". The only thing that had an effect has been ignoring him, basically, excluding him from family activities and decisions, and yes, treating him basically like a "room mate". In fact that's all he is to me now, and the new rule in my house is, if he has been playing wow that day, he doesn't sleep in my bed that night. Needless to say, we haven't slept together since the rule was made.

Sometimes this gets to him and he takes a short break and makes a lot of promises, but it never lasts long and then he games more than ever and resents me for the "time he has lost" in the game.

I came to understand that he needed to "hit bottom" before he MIGHT make some changes, and when he lost jobs, when we were evicted from our home, each time his gaming causes a disaster, I thought "this might be it". But it never was. When you say that you think he would choose his game over you (after telling you that you are over-reacting)- well, thats how I have always felt too, and in my case it's true. It might not be possible for you to make any difference to his gaming at all; it has to come from him.

I don't mean to sound like there is no hope, because others have had success by doing as I mentioned, withdrawing all enabling and basically treating their game-addicted partner as though they were is nothing more than an annoying room-mate, and it's definately worth a try anyway, because in the process of learning to enjoy life without him, you might learn a lot about yourself and discover that you don't have to be so deeply affected by his gaming, or feel ignored and abandoned. Life can be a lot better for you than it is right now, whether he quits gaming or not.

StillHoping
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Thanks for the words of

Thanks for the words of advice and encouragment. As much as I hate that anyone has to experience this, it helps to know I'm not alone. I think not having anyone to talk to about it has only deepened my feelings of loneliness and abandonment.

I am to the point where something has to change. Is it worth it to bring it up to him? Is there a way I can approach it without making him feel like he has to be on the defensive? I would hate to either kick him out or leave with no warning, but I after 6 years, I am at the end of my rope.

We haven't talked (or argued) about his gaming in a while. We've just been side-stepping it, barely speaking and ignoring the hostile feeling in our home. I don't want him to feel attacked. I know that he isn't gaming to hurt me on purpose, but it is hurting me and our girls. I have brought up marriage counseling to help us communicate, but he refuses to consider it. He, again, just laughs and says I'm overreacting, that we don't have any issues that would require counseling.

I guess I am holding out hope that somehow we could get back to the place where we meant everything to each other and could talk about anything. I know he is probably using his games as an escape from stress or boredom, but as his wife, I want to be there in that capacity for him. I don't want him to feel like he needs to escape our life. It makes me feel like a failure as a wife and mother to think that he needs this outlet so badly, even though I know it probably has very little to do with me.

Melissa Evermore
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Still, I'll preface this by

Still, I'll preface this by saying, I am probably a bit overly negative at the moment as things have been pretty bad with my gaming "partner". So take me with a grain of salt.

In my experience, "being there for him as a wife" just tells him that he can keep gaming to his hearts content, and you will keep serving him and providing for him. It was very hard for me to stop doing those things for him, but I feel much better now that I have. As many people on here will tell you, when someone is in the midst of an addiction, they are just using those around them; there is no actual gratitude for those "wifey" things that you do. It's not much different to giving "spare change" to heroin addicts in the street.

Everything you do for him just makes it easier for him to game and feel good about it. Hey, his wife still loves him, so he can't be bad, right?

I can't advise you as to whether you should leave or not, but I would highly reccomend really and truly withdrawing from him, excluding him from family activities and decisions and making every possible effort to be a "happy single mum". (Difficult but NOT impossible). In my experience, talking about it to the addict gets you no-where.

If you try this, he might respond and realise what he stands to lose. He might make the effort to heal himself. If he doesn't- well, your happiness is worth a lot more than living the misery of someone else's addiction.

exazzy
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SH -- As a recovering addict

SH -- As a recovering addict I can tell you this much definitively.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

His addiction isn't about you. You can't fix it, or him, until his eyes are open to it. The rest is just excuses and rationalizing ways to keep his eyes closed. He is listening to his Addict Brain now, and it tells him what he needs to survive, and it is a powerful, devious adversary.

Addiction consumes, it's what it does. Whatever you do for him will be used up to perpetuate the addiction. Feed him at the PC? More time for games. Do his chores? More time freed up for gaming. Sex? See, I can have everything, this AND that, and nobody suffers, obviously, because hey, we're intimate, aren't we.

Yeah, been there. Your goal has to be starving out his Addict Brain, instead of feeding and coddling it, as Melissa suggested.

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

Patria
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exazzy wrote: SH -- As a
exazzy wrote:

SH -- As a recovering addict I can tell you this much definitively.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

His addiction isn't about you. You can't fix it, or him, until his eyes are open to it. The rest is just excuses and rationalizing ways to keep his eyes closed. He is listening to his Addict Brain now, and it tells him what he needs to survive, and it is a powerful, devious adversary.

As an recovering addict (X 2) I agree with this.

ACOA
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Patria wrote: exazzy
Patria wrote:
exazzy wrote:

SH -- As a recovering addict I can tell you this much definitively.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

His addiction isn't about you. You can't fix it, or him, until his eyes are open to it. The rest is just excuses and rationalizing ways to keep his eyes closed. He is listening to his Addict Brain now, and it tells him what he needs to survive, and it is a powerful, devious adversary.

As an recovering addict (X 2) I agree with this.

I'll make that a (X 3).

exazzy hit the nail on the head.

When I was playing, it was a way to escape from my problems. Not to have to deal with them. It wasn't until RL was crashing and burning around me did I realize the impact that was having in my life. It wasn't until I realized it for myself that I was able to do something about it.

Badgering the addict to quite is counter productive. It fuels the need for more escape. Sucks, but true. You can't guilt an addict to quit, you can't nice them to quit. All you can really do is stop anything you are doing to protect him from the consequences of his gaming.

Don't keep it a secret. When he won't go to a family or social event, go with the kids. When poeple ask where your husband is, tell them he is at home playing a video game. Eventually the game will become a bigger problem for him than whatever it is he is hiding from. As soon as you see him recognizing it, don't suggest he stop gaming, instead suggest he get some counseling. Suggest couples counselling if he won't go alone. Don't be afraid to 'try' a few different counselors until you find a good one.

StillHoping
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Thank you for your adivce. I

Thank you for your adivce. I really appreciate your kind words and perspective on this.

I have already withdrawn in most areas of our marriage. I don't take him food. I don't do anything that would make gaming easy. We don't have sex, but that doesn't seem to bother him too much (which makes me worry he has started watching porn again; a huge issue for us a few years back). I will basically ignore him for days and he doesn't seem to mind. That's why I wonder what the next step is. Is leaving overkill at this stage? I just don't know what to do next...

Scott
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StillHoping wrote: That's
StillHoping wrote:

That's why I wonder what the next step is. Is leaving overkill at this stage? I just don't know what to do next...

I think we lack enough information to give any kind of Yes / No answer to that question. And, of course, it's a decision you need to make for yourself based on your intuition and thinking.

As an addict, I know that addicts need to be jolted into consciousness by getting hit with real consequences of their behavior. Leaving could give him that jolt. And it doesn't have to be all or nothing, leave or stay. Leaving for a week or two, or longer, is an option. A trial separation is an option. Insisting that he leave, for a week or two or longer, is an option.

I'm afraid that threats of consequences rarely work well. Many addicts do not get the "jolt" from threat of loss of a relationship or job or health. Many of us actually have to lose the health, job or relationship to get the jolt.

Hope that helps...

Scott

What you feed grows, and what you starve withers away.

mgirl78
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Hi it's good to read all

Hi it's good to read all your posts. My husband quit drinking almost two years ago. I think he has replaced it with RPGs. He works from home most days of the week but still has his game up from the moment he wakes up to right before he goes to bed. He will (at least sometimes) eat dinner with me,but it's like he's just marking time before he can get back to his game. It's as if I'm the carrots he has to eat before he can get to the dessert. Just this weekend he bowed out of two family events claiming he was sick.

DanielleD1969
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Hi everyone, I too as a

Hi everyone,

I too as a recovering gaming addict almost gave up my 14 year marriage for a fantasy game of Second LIfe, Finally had my Ah-ha! moment when the person I left my marriage for tried to suck me back into the game and life.....I hit rock bottom, my kids are ****ed at me, my husband was devastated by this, his family devastated by this...And right now I am dealing with the Shame that I CAUSED ALL OF THIS!........I am never going back, I come here every day a few times a day to read the posts because, I am an addict! I need the help!! But yes until he opens His eyes and realizes what he is losing or going to lose or even lost....He isn't going to change....This is sooo like a seductive, dreaming, drug. When we are gaming we DO NOT CARE about anything but the game.I would be up at 10am and play till 5am the next morning......My whole life suffered..Fortunately for me I get a second chance with My husband because he loves me THAT much!! He has forgiven me but I have a lot to prove to him that I am clean and am not going back...I live in WV and he lives in SC...I had been taking care of my grandmother with a broken hip (moderately playing second life) not spending as much time on my game of choice but none the less playing it!.....I have not played games except one game that runs out of time with nothing to do lol so i leave.....I can't believe that it was me! I can't believe I did all that destruction! but it was me! i did do it!! And now I get to go home on Nov 17 to a husband just as scared as I am about all this and working on our marriage. My husband realizes, thanks goodness, that what happened to me was an addiction...Now I use what I did to try to stear people away from those dangers...warn them..use my life as an example of what not to do! and all this happened to me in a short 9 months!!! didn't take me years to screw up everything I had!! *rolls eyes* I am so happy that things are turning around....but yes....Only he can see what he is doing, hun....Only he can change it....Only he can do anything about it....Only he can admit that he is addicted...sounds like you have dealt with a lot....and I am so sorry for that for you and your kids. I will be praying for your family in hopes that he wakes up before it is too late for him and he loses everything he has for a fantasy...Much love to your family....

Second Life escapee as of Oct 26, 2012 (feel free to Private Message me, I will always return a response) ~Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment~. Buddha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXr8-D8rJ6c&feature=fvwrel Abandon-HOLD ON!

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