Hello all,
I wish that I would have found this site when I was in the midst of my Husband's gaming addiction. Reading through a lot of your posts made all the memories of rejection and sadness come back to full front, almost like he was still doing it. So, I stopped reading immediately and decided to post this instead to see if anyone had any thoughts on how to help.
What would you do if you spouse decided that you and your kids were more important than the game and finally stopped? And this is no pause folks, this is 6 months strong. You would be overjoyed right? So why can't I be? I can't get over the past pain. The addiction was almost our entire 9 year marriage in the making, the worst of it the past 3-4 years. I thought that this was all I ever wanted. He has apologized profusely and made every attempt to help me around the house and to make up for the past. But I cannot love him fully, I cannot forgive. This is ruining our marriage. We are on the brink of divorce. I find it insanely unfair that I finally have him back yet and can't get to him because of my memories.
So, I need help. I know that most of you are in the middle of your struggles, and that this post may be cruel because it is me not accepting the thing you want the most. I know how you all feel, please remind me why I wanted this so bad. Help me to trust again. Help me to save my marriage. I love my husband, I would not have stayed through all of this if I did not, I want to be with him again, I want to share my life with him, but if I can't get over this, wouldn't it be more fair to let him go to find a new life and me as well?
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Not cruel at all cbellanger. Very honest, and honesty is valued here a lot. I'm the addict, and my behavior has damaged my marriage. My wife's hurt, disappointment and anger will not disappear quickly. She is rightfully cautious - I made many promises to quit over the years, and of course, didn't. So dont be too hard on yourself, or him either, for that matter. Look at your principles, and stick to them. Look at your relationship, and rejoice in the little bits of progress - a happy moment with him here and there, a meal without screaming and fighting, etc... If progress is being made, be thankful. Not letting down your guard rapidly and completely is totally understandable from my perspective. He will, over time, show you that he loves you by his behavior, and you will begin to forgive him, and trust him, when you feel safe in doing so. Be kind to yourself in the meantime :)
Hi Cbellanger, You have a lot of pain from the past, and feelings that you have are valid. It's never easy to get over pain like that, and no one (with any heart) would blame you for still feeling that pain. There are people here who have lost their spouses because of that pain, and really, what I often hear is that they don't blame them. We know what we did was painful and thoughtless, even though we were victims as well. At least we had a choice going into it: You did not. Human emotions just can't turn on a dime. We can't quit the game and except everything to be just fine. People need time to heal. We are humans, not saints. You might consider couple counseling. It seems to help my marriage, mostly at least :-) It may not be for everyone, but certainly talking it out with a 3rd party can't hurt. Much luck and healing to you,
Addicted to SL
The 12 Steps are available for the gamer, but most family members fail to recognize that the 12 Steps are there for them too. "Step 1. We admitted we were Powerless over gaming and that our lives had become unmanagable." You have such a precious joy in your life again witha loving spouse who has returned from the tragedy of excessive gaming. I bet he made your life unmanagable. Did you ever think that you were powerless over the game? I would bet the answer would be Yes. We say this Step in the past tense because it is the past. Our future is working this Step with someone who has worked them before and seeing the truth and beauty behind it. The rest of the Steps are the same way, they also apply to the family members and friends of the gamers. Maybe there is the need for a professional councelor who might open the window to some underlying issues that took the gamer to excessive gaming in the first place? In Step one we practice Spiritual Principles such as Honesty, and Humility. Humility is the acceptance of who we tryly are - neither worse nor better than we believed we were when we were in the middle of the excessive gamers nature. We were just Human afterall. I use the Steps to work through matters like these, but the Principle behind the Steps are also quite good at assisting us in seeing the cause of the pain, not just the pain that the addict caused. There is life beyond excessive gaming and you need to practice open-mindedness to see it.
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
Boy can I completely understand where you are coming from!!!!! My (estranged) husband put me through hell for about 2 yrs...he finally quit a couple of months ago but was cruel (he saw it as me giving him an ultimatum)...only until recently (about 3wks now) has he "woken up" and started to become a husband again. Unfortunately, I reached my limit and said I was done about a month and a half ago. I have told him repeatedly that I DO NOT TRUST HIM!!! I, myself, cannot get past all the pain he put me through. Granted there is quite a history in our marriage so the gaming addiction was just the icing...but there isn't trust...I have a difficult time believing ANYTHING that he says. Inside I know that he is sorry for what he's done and he is trying to make amends but it came too late for me. One of the things he is trying that might work for you two is a book called The Love Dare...it's a 40 day dare that is supposed to build a relationship and help with trust. It is quite religious (I am not)...so frankly I was taken aback from all the bible verses in there. It might not hurt to take a look at it. As Sladdiction suggested...marriage counseling might also be a good avenue. I truly hope you can save your marriage!! Good luck to both of you!!!!
I really appreciate all of the responses that I have received so far. I am grateful that there is a place like this where people don't look at you like you're insane when you tell them that your husband is addicted to video games!! I was glad to have heard from chazzz and sladdiction, Thanks for the reminders that my husband did not do this to hurt me but to escape. We looked into marriage counseling and that is always an option, I only wish it weren't so expensive...sometimes it seems that getting a divorce is cheaper! :) I will absolutely look into the 40 Day dare book. Can't hurt to try right? Again, I really do appreciate the support and will post back on here updates as we go along. Thanks for all the support! Let me know how things work out for you mscorpio76. Hopefully we can both find some peace. Cbellanger
Cbellanger, it sounds like you are more at peace. . . I would like to get to that point as well. How do you know that your husband was doing the gaming to escape? Do you know what is was that he was escaping from? I am still trying to figure out what motivated my husband to be absent from me for 4 years of gaming. . . he hasn't been very open about it and definitly hasn't offered me any explanations or apologies. I am grateful that he has quit playing, as we were on the road to divorce. I really want to feel reconcilliation about everything, and perhaps I am being impatient myself, but how do we overcome these strong feelings? I believe that time does heal things, but for me, there is only closure if he will acknowledge what has happenend. To me that comes from actions, but also from words. By nature, he is more comfortable with physical affections like hugs and such, while I desire to hear words. But not sure that I will ever get the apology or understanding from him. Will that mean that I always hold a grudge? Not sure if this is a fair comparison, but it almost feels like he had a four year affair with another woman. . . and now I have to forgive him. Not an easy task.
The 12-steps and principles that we have are GREAT tools to use to learn how to forgive and move on. Please look at them. Here is a link to them: http://www.olganon.org/?q=12_steps_2 Please remember, the family member gets hit harder than the addict, where addictions are concerned. We end up getting sicker. We are the ones holding the bag and taking care of everything while the addict plays the games. Once the chaos finally ends, we cannot handle it, because we are so used to the chaos. So we make up some more (strange but true....) We need to learn how to break that pattern. I hope you will look at the steps. They are very specific and helpful, and easier to do than some of the alternatives. Sincerely, Liz
Liz Woolley
:)
Hello all,
I'm so glad I found this website. I have two older brothers I consider to indulge in excess,y video games, tv and table top roleplaying games. We don't even live together anymore but there is animosity I can't let go of. It's making everyone in the family distant and culturing anger in myself is just plain unhealthy. Admittedly I work out and play drumset excessively so in a way this is a value judgement of their character. I used to make oil paintings but I quit that to focus on music and fitness. This was also a good decision because decreasing my ambition helped me manage my anger. Basically I feel resentful for growing up saturated with gaming which is unfair and hurtful to those around me. They are hardcore gamers though. All they do is make money and entertain themselves. However the same could be said about me.
Thank you, I hope someone can help.
Douglife