I am seeking input from significant others on how to respond to my husband when he complains about his physical state. I am very detached at this point, and do NOT enable his game addiction. He works from home in a seperate office not in the main house. I only see him during the work day for bathroom trips or food runs. He games while he works..pretty much the whole time. He has been in the computer field for 25 years..so he does need to sit a lot.
However, his choice to game excessively for the past year and a half ( he started playing online games at that point) has taken its toll. He always gamed, but NEVER excessively until we moved and he was able to play online. Anyway, the change has gradually produced more aches, pains, weight gain, and issues related to being more sedentary. He spent months seeing a chiropractor, doctor, massage therapist, etc...and is actually ANGRY that they arent helping.
He wants to change doctors too because the constant message of, " move more, keep away from sugar, try stretching" has grown old. Ugh! I agree with the doctor wholeheartily...I have seen him spend money on treadmills, hanging upside machines, stretch rolls, and a bunch of other things that never get used by him. Dont worry, i use them all! I hate to waste money and enjoy exercise.
Anyway, i have provided healthy food and exercise everyday. I dont lecture or force my habits on him. I dont discuss his choices with him any longer...i frankly hardly have the heart to even bother. He constantly complains though, & it is driving me crazy. When I have answered him in a direct way about this, he gets angry..so I say nothing now. Literallly, nothing!
I nod my head usually, and try to keep busy with whatever I am doing. Any advice? Anyone else have any luck on handling this kind of thing? It seems that the answer is simple..find something active to do and do it! Get away from that game and engage in a more active life with your wife ans kids...but no, that just doesnt work. I am just tired of listening to it.
Apparently standing desks are the thing. If you stand all day, its better then sitting all day with two hours flat out at the gym after work.
He is looking for empathy so he is probably wanting you to say. "It must be awful for you. Poor you" That could shut him up. But if you do not want him to think you have empathy for him, best not to say it in case he gets the wrong idea.
To discourage complaints:
You could try not to nod (that says you are sort of listening). Just totally ignore his complaint.
If that does not work, other things you can say:
"please stop whining"
"why are you telling me this?"
"Well, that sounds like an unsolvable problem for you." (sarcastic)
"I don't want to listen to your constant complaining about your physical problems which are down to your choices, especially if you are not prepared to do anything about it"
Other suggestions:
Always wear headphones and listen to music
Make an excuse to leave the room, or just leave
Burst out laughing every time he complains.
Distraction; talk about something else that
a) may be of interest to him
b) is completely irrelevant and may cause him to question your sanity
c) ask him how his mother is
INFO
Help for gamers here
Help for parents of gamers here
Help for spouses/SO's of gamers here
Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here
Online meetings gaming addicts click here
Please help! Donate here
Omg Polga! I am laughing so hard at some of your suggestions of what to say to him...i think blurting out nonsense so he thinks I have lost my mind is hysterical. I think I will try that one first..then start asking him how his mom, dad, etc is. Funny though, his mom talks to me more than him. Oh well, those will sure stump him.
One day when I really want to shut him up I will tell him to stop complaining about things he intends not to work on. He will be so ****ed, he wont talk for a week.
I feel b****y talking this way, but addicts dont practice empathy. It gets old when you are a empathetic nuture type married to a person incapable of truly putting someone else first . In order to keep me from resentment, I just stop giving away so much of myself.
Thanks for your ideas!
I would suggest pretend he is speaking another language, and that you cannot understand what he is saying. Nod in appropriate places, grunt and uh-huh in places where there is a pause.
Being that you live in a location with internet, it isn't like the man has to climb trees for bananas and coconuts when he gets hungry, right? He simply goes to the fridge and opens the door. How nice of you to stock it with healthy selections for him! When WE want healthy selects, we have to go to the grocery store and shop for them.
Your husband sounds like a smart man. He knows intellectually what he needs to do. Calories in
That's very funny Goldi! He doesnt come up with many ideas or solutions to these complaints though..it's like he wants me to come up with a magical solution or validate that the doctors are scmucks! Imagine if he said, ( in a very depressive way) " my back and leg are killing me", and then I said..."Sweet!"...lol. That could be very funny. It may accomplish Polga's idea to convince him I am insane though!
Well, it is all part of the narcissist/codependent cycle.
If you haven't heard about it, it is an interesting read. Even if you both aren't full on narcissist/codependent but only have "slight traits", you might still recognize what he is trying to do, which is fish for your unending sympathy and validation. At least, that is what it sounds like.
Addicts are already selfish, so who knows?
I am sorry if it sounds like I am trying to psychoanalyze people, but it is more that I try to "feel out" the situation. Living in a home filled with addicts, it is something I HAD to do.
Anyway, it sounds like the hubster senses a disturbance in the force, and is trying to make it all about him again. "Tell me I'm a stud". "Tell me I'm pretty." "Even though I game 10 hours a day, I still have it going on, right babe?" I don't know about YOUR hubby, it SOUNDS like that's what he is doing, but I know MY gamer guy would do that a LOT. I would say things like, "oh yeah, you look so hot when you sit in that chair all night long." "wow, what's that cologne? Oh, it IS WOW cologne. Smells like troll alright. I wonder if it comes in gnome too, I like gnomes....'
I mean at the end of the day, what does he expect? Addiction doesn't look good on anyone. As his wife who cares about him, does he expect you to enable him to kill himself? If so, he better have some GREAT life insurance!!!! I'M KIDDING.
Ha! I love your sense of humors! Polga, you gave me a big laugh. Thank you.
Me being me, knowing what I know now, I would do exactly this:"tell him to stop complaining about things he intends not to work on."
Say it flatly enough, without engaging in any argument, and maybe he'll hear you. If he chooses to pout over it, I wouldn't be surprised, but I wouldn't cave either because I feel that strongly about complaining rather than doing what can be done - especially in humans over age 12.
Slays me the lengths we addicts will go to deny and resist reality rather than deal with it. Where did we get the idea we could complain about something long enough and anything would change? Bleh.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Responding directly, GAL has only ended in angry outbusts as I mentioned, and I wont purposely respond in a way that will expose my kids to his anger. I will say matter of fact things back, like " sitting in a chair 15 hours a day will cause back pain." However, i refrain from engaging in any debate or argumentative sessions. There just isnt any point.
Goldi, I think you are dead on about the seeking validation and sensing that I have pulled away. He is trying to suck me back in, & seriously thinks he is having a conversation with me! I wont be mean about it, but I really wont extend sympathy and that is forcing him to seek more and more. Just today he surfaced from his office, interrupted me in the middle of something to say, " it really needs to rain like this for 2 weeks straight." I gave him a thumbs up and kept on doing my thing. He said, " what was that? Cant you speak.?"
I replied back.." ok, I will take a break to say that I hope you get the rain you want." Then I went back to doing..He doesnt like this..he wants an interested person to engage in his interruptive statement. This is typical..yesterday I was working out and he bellowed for me to find his Rx pain medication. ( yes, for his back) I told him where it was, but he claimed he didnt see it. He continued on until I stopped and handed it to him. I asked for an apology for interrupting my workout and a thank you for getting it. He just laughed and waltzed away..
We do have good life insurance on him that is paid automatically, so I do have that covered! Even as bad as it sounds, I fully realize that his lifestyle choices may result in a premature death. I need to be practical about survival.
A disturbance in the balance is what he feels..and that is good he senses it. One day he may really understand that if he chooses not to pay attention to me, or romance me..that someone else will.
Oh em gee Butterflygirl, my gamerster hubby does the same thing!!! I will be in the middle of something I DON'T want to be disturbed from (paperwork, working out, etc), and gamer will Yell that he can't find something. I will tell him where it is, gamer will beller out that he cannot see it find it. I KNOW it is right. freaking. there. Gamer will keep whining, griping, complaining like a 10 year old until I just stop and get it myself. You are NOT alone there!!
I so relate, and I know why you are stuck. I am stuck where you are stuck. It isn't the disengagement that is the problem. It is the fact that the spouses sense the disengagement, and for ME, I think we are getting to this place I like to call the "having your cake and eating it too". They want to do what they want, but want us to love them anyway. Um, no thanks.
I think this is the point where a firm set of boundaries begins. This is really difficult when there weren't any there in the first place. We have to decide where "the fence" goes. I know you have said it, as I have said this....we have kids, and because of our kids and because the benefits of staying outweigh the negatives of divorce at this time in our lives, the fence has to come up in some ways. I know my gamer hubby does not want "a fence" or "boundaries", because he thinks married people don't have boundaries.
Yes, yes they do. I don't know about you, but I plan to explore the area of my boundaries and see if that is where I might find some solace here. Because I don't know about you, but it seems like there is some confusion as to what the role is here for you. Wife, housekeeper, nanny, blow up doll? By the way you are treated, no wonder you aren't sure these days. Have you thought about that? If a person isn't treated consistently, why WOULD you want to listen? Maybe today he has you playing the role of housekeeper....., Housekeepers don't get paid enough to listen to that kind of bull crap! To you see what I am saying????
You treat him like a husband EVERY day, as much as you can treat a gaming troll who sits in a chair 15 hours a day like a husband. And he wonders why you don't hang on his every word?!?!?! Gee......
Goldi, They do seem so similiar! Your posts seem to come out of my playbook. I think the time of confusion has passed a little, especially on my part. I dont care how he views me, even if it is like the housekeeper. I have not been sexual with him in weeks, not because I am angry..but I just dont feel like I am atttacted to that. I dont feel pressure, he doesnt bother me if he doesnt get the signals. He has never been overly sexual anyway, so this hasnt become an issue.
I think today I will take your idea about boundaries, and write down what I will accept and wont. I think writing down a few rules to give to him might be helpful too.and give them to him. It will help me be consistent as well, because I will have something concrete to reference when he crosses them. He doesnt respect my " emotional reactions" to his behavior, so this is worth a try! Thank you.
Hmm, I just kinda tune this stuff out and respond the same way i respond when my daughter is in incessant talking mode- "hmm, yeh, that sux, u-huh, that's no good". I'm not insincere, I just don't really hear the complaining (My back is so sore, my eyes are so sore, I am so broke, woe is me). But gamer behaves so much like a child that it is easy to tune him out as one does with a noisy child. (I do listen to my child by the way, but sometimes when she is just babbling at me for the sake of babbling at me...well, if you have kids, you know...)
It dosn't matter how I respond, i don't think because he isn't ready to know that he is in charge of his own health and well-being and nothing I say or do will change that. For my own sanity I have to let go of, and forever resist the urge to 'make him see" because it only hurts me in the long run.
As for interrupting me and expecting my immediate and full attention to his trivial comments (woe to me if i interrupt him!!), and standing there calling me and wailing whenever he needs me to come and find something that is right under his nose....either these guys all work from the same guide-book or they are all developmentally stuck at a very specific place in their childhood. I sometimes feel extremely creeped out by his determination to force me to act as if I was his mother; in fact the day he accidentally screamed "Mum! leave me alone!" when i was trying to talk to him about unpaid bills while he was gaming was, more or less, the last day I did anything 'motherly" or "wifely" for him ever again. Because, eww!
Lol, Melissa! So true that it is creepy and being motherly is a definite turn off!
Seriously, I am astonished how similiar their behaviors are, and have thought about that a lot. I have come to the same conclusion as you, that they are stunted. Emotionally and developmentally stuck in an adolescent state due to their addiction. It makes sense though, as with any addiction our growth and development ceases when we are only concerned with the addiction. It is remarkable to me that I havent read more about this aspect of game addiction.
We already know that chemically, gaming changes the levels of the brain's natural chemicals. So, it can only be inferred that just like with cocaine, heavy overuse of Rx meds, etc, that gaming changes the thought processing, and thus, certain brain functioning. It MUST effect the pre frontal cortex, that part of the brain responsible for judgment, reason, consequences of actions. If the brain seeks "pleasure chemicals", that pre frontal cortex is a freaking downer! Always being "lame" and "stunting the high". Omagerd.
[IMG]http://i901.photobucket.com/albums/ac217/cdgoldilocks/imagejpg2_zps35035fe5.jpg[/IMG]
[IMG]http://i901.photobucket.com/albums/ac217/cdgoldilocks/imagejpg1_zpsfe11c154.jpg[/IMG]
Sorry, the pictures just make me LOL.
Lol..funny pic's!