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QueenAce
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I am new

Hi, I am new to this website, forum, message board etc. My spouse has been addicted for 5 years. It has come to my attention that I need to do something about my husbands addiction. I don't even know where to begin. I would like face to face support but can't seem to find anything available in my area. I guess it's just nice to know I am not the only one suffering from this. I feel there is not much I can do to change my husband. This is a choice he has made. While I can't help my husband, I have realized I need help. Hence my becoming apart this group. I do not feel divorce is the answer in my situation, however, I feel neglected, unattractive, sad, missing my spouse terribly. There is no interaction between us or with other family members. I have been told by family, "you need to shake him out of this or do an intervention."

Anyway, it's nice to hear other stories, and encouragement.

QueenAce

fly by night
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Welcome QueenAce...I hope

Welcome QueenAce...I hope you can get all the information, and support, and encouragement you need while staying here.I know just reading the many posts from others here has helped me alot.

"It's all in your mind...Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life.If you continue to believe as you have always believed,you will continue to act as you have always acted.If you continue to act as you have always acted,you will continue to get what you have always gotten.If you want different results in your life or your work,all you have to do is change your mind." Anonymous...

gsingjane
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Dear Queen, Welcome to

Dear Queen,

Welcome to OLGA. As we say, glad you found us, sorry you had to...

I am hearing a lot in your post to the effect that you "need" to "do something" about your husband's addiction. You feel that you need to "snap him out of it." At the same time, a part of you understands that your husband is the one who will have to make these realizations and changes on his own, no matter what the people around you are saying.

It isn't, generally, too fair to expect one adult to take responsibility for changing another. Marriages don't usually work that way, and it's a bit unrealistic to expect them to. Particularly when it comes to addictions, one thing we "anons" frequently deceive ourselves with is the idea that change will originate with us. Now, while we can change some of the circumstances surrounding the addict, and we can also work on changing ourselves, changing another person, and particularly "breaking" them of an addiction, verges on the impossible.

While I can't detail the "anon journey" for you in one post, I'd advise you to browse these forums, especially the "I need help for parents" and "I need help for spouses" forums. You'll see that several themes keep recurring: the idea of stopping the enabling of the addict, the value of expressing your feelings, and the importance of structuring and maintaining your own, fulfilling life. It is very refreshing when you come to realize that you can be happy, have fun, do interesting things, and actually have a life for yourself... whether you are living with an addict or not.

In terms of the specific advice regarding an intervention for your husband, it's true that in some cases of addiction, these have been known to work. If your family members are suggesting this to you, then of course they will need to participate in one (hopefully they understand that interventions aren't staged just by a wife, they're done by every important person in the addict's life). If you think it might be helpful, then do your research and your planning, and make sure you have very carefully thought it through before you try it.

To reiterate... it can be a very liberating thing to understand that, after all is said and done, you are not responsible for your husband's behavior and addiction. He is. You can be there to support and encourage him, but, really there is no reason gaming has to ruin both your lives.

Be strong, come back,

Jane in CT

QueenAce
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Hey, Thanks! That was so

Hey, Thanks! That was so helpful and encouraging. You are right on all accounts. I think I really need to figure out how I'm enabling him. I think gamming/computer addiction is so new that it's really hard to get to the bottom of this. And it's so different from other more harmful addictions it's hard to know what to do. Where do you draw the line? Where do you set boundries? And can you? I guess what I'm getting at is I don't think I see myself as enabling. I am a wife and mother doing my wife and motherly duties. Cooking, cleaning, ironing, laundry, etc. How is that enabling? He has a job and does work very hard to provide for our family but in all his spare time (after work, before work, all of his days off) he is at the computer. I feel I need to support him for his job and at work. Which is why I continue to do what I do for him. To not do so would be wrong I think. But I could be toatally wrong. I guess that's what I'm here to find out. It's great to know that his addiction does not have to rule or ruin my life and my family's lives. So the next thing to learn is how to live in spite of it.

1RealityCheck1
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Welcome QueenAce, Sorry to

Welcome QueenAce,

Sorry to hear your story. It is a familiar one here. A few questions for you, and feel free to tell me to mind my own business :) What game/s does he play? Are you a sahm? Do you have children? It sounds like you have family that lives close and they see the same things, I am glad you have some support around you.

gsingjane
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Hi again, to clarify,

Hi again, to clarify, "enabling" in the gaming context might include the following:

* bringing the gamer meals or snacks in front of the computer so he doesn't have to interrupt gameplay to share a meal with his family;

* cleaning up a pig-pen-type area around the computer that the addict creates;

* doing all household tasks for the gamer that he might previously have done but now spends his time playing instead;

* cleaning up after the addict generally, doing the kinds of intimate personal things (picking his dirty clothing off the floor, making his bed for him) that any adult really should do for himself; and... probably most important...

* making excuses or lying for the gamer when he defaults on family or social obligations to play.

"Enabling" basically means, setting the conditions that make it easier for the gamer to game rather than more difficult. In another context, say with a young adult child, enabling might include supporting the person instead of compelling him to get a job, providing food and drink and insurance when he could be paying for it by working (but games instead) and so forth. When we enable "our" addicts, we are permitting them to not face or feel the true consequences of the choices they're making. We do this out of love, and care, and concern, but we do "our" addicts no favors!

I understand that you see it as your "job" to keep your house nice and do the "home-work." I am also a SAHM, and that's also how I see my "job." But, understand that, anything you do that makes it easier and more comfortable for your husband to game is going to lead to... guess what... more gaming.

Jane in CT

QueenAce
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I am a SAHM and have one

I am a SAHM and have one child whom I actually homeschool. I babysit 4 of our neices and nephews full time. My spouse plays mostly Runescape and LOTHRO. If for some reason we don't have internet he will go buy something new to play.

The "enabling" clarification is extremely helpful to me. It's a little tricky figuring out how to separate wifely duties vs enabling. So my next question is do I just stop doing these things with no warning or tell him that I will no longer do certain things so he knows what to expect?

Thanks for your responses and help. I did not realize how bad I needed support until I found this site.

dark (not verified)
Hi Queen, Clarity is best

Hi Queen,

Clarity is best always. Take some time to plan your strategy and rehearse the speech which might go something like this (and I paraphrase the one my wife gave me):

- you are addicted to gambling
- i cannot live with this anymore
- i think you need help, but you have to realize that for yourself
- if it were not for the children i would divorce you (and if your gaming hurts the children I will do so)
- from here on i will not help you do any gaming - which includes tiedying up, cooking etc (if you want to eat with me and the children good - if you eat on your own - cook for yourself)

And a few other details - but i think you get the drift. Important things are: clear, serious, unemotional, and well thought out. Dont rush into it.

- dark

QueenAce
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Ahhh...So extremely helpful!

Ahhh...So extremely helpful! Thank you for the example. This helps a ton!! I am starting to work on my speech now.

Congrats. dark, on being game free!

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