I have a pretty unique issue here, and while it's a little different from what I've been reading on here, I have a feeling the problem is still the same. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and for the most part we get along great. We both graduated college recently and about 6 months ago he got a pretty good paying job.
Well anyways he has always really been into music and is a great musician, but since he obtained this job and has extra cash to spend all he is focusing on is building and modifying his new music studio. He turned one of the larger rooms in his house into this studio and lately it seems like he never comes out of there. He usually works from 6AM until 1PM and as soon as he gets home he eats and heads directly into his studio 'cave' and will remain there until he goes to sleep 9 or 10 hours later. He's even been falling asleep in his studio since he moved a couch in. He has stopped showing interest in going out or anything else as the only people he seems to care to associate with are the other musicians that come over to his place at all hours of the day or night. His latest obsession is ordering these things he calls 'modules' in order to build a synthesizer the size of a wall or something like that. Every week he is bringing home another synthesizer or some electronic music equipment.
I literally have to make him come out, and then you can tell his mind is wondering and he seems distant unless of course he is talking about music/studio/music gear/synthesizers. Recently he had a paid vacation and he almost never emerged that entire week except to spend a day with me and my family on thanksgiving, and all he did that day was talk to my teenage brother about music and teach him to play guitar and piano.
When I talk to him about it all he does is take me out for a night and the very next day hes right back where he started. I don't know what to do, I know that some people have hobbies and passions but this is ridiculous. If this isn't addiction I don't know what is. But the crazy thing is he is doing really well at his job, and everybody else who isn't as close to him thinks he is a normal and outgoing guy.
Life has to be about more than twisting little knobs and playing keyboard all day.
Please help, I have no idea what to do!
addcition, obsession, passion - they all seem somewhat related. However, a passion or obsession can produce something positive.
If someone has a passion for music or art I think it can consume most of their time. It may not be balanced but such is the nature of it I believe. A writer can lock him/herself away for days till the project complete or an artist o rmusician sometimes.
It's hard on those around them for sure and I think relationships can suffer. Only you can decide if the time spent with him when you do is fulfilling enough or worth it for you. Sometimes it is but only you can decide this. You need to have a life as well. I don't think you can change him as many here whose partners are addicts will attest.
I agree with Starryeyed...
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure him...
Thats the 3 C's for loved ones with addictictive tendancies..
I definitely agree with Starryeyed.
My husband is an artist, and at one time spent hours and hours in the studio working on his projects.
He had a close friends who was also an artists, who were married to an artist wives, and all of them spent many hours on their artwork. Yet they did have a married lives, shared evening dinners, parties or get-togethers on the weekends.
However, in order for something like this to work, the happiest couples shared goals: art or music, etc. Their relationships didn't suffer because both were being fulfilled in their lives.
Many writers (example: Joyce Carol Oates) were married to other writers, and the same thing applied. Their passion for writing didn't interfere with their marriage, it enhanced it.
If this man is worth staying with, you might find something of your own you can feel passionate about. Changing him to what you want, isn't going to work, and it will make him see you as an obstacle.
Good luck!
This has an interesting parallel with some "gamer couples" I know. They game together and it creates a bit of a mutual moderation for them. The main difference being that in contrast to art or music, there aren't many real life goals that can be accomplished by gaming unless you are directly part of the gaming industry.
Being a musician myself (guitarist for 14 years), I can say that some of us that are really passionate about music and make it our lives and are somewhat of a savant about it. Artists of any sort see themselves as "creators" since everything they derive/produce is coming directly from their minds, hearts, and past experiences.
If your man is just coming out of college and getting into the industry I can imagine the surge of excitement and the urge for him to completely embrace his creativity. Unfortunately, everything comes at a cost. How much is always dependent on the person. Some people are just natural workaholics who want to climb the corporate ladder as fast as possible. Some are more ethereal such as artists who want nothing than to discover the vast tapestry of their own minds and create something perceivable in the real world. This sounds a bit like your boyfriend.
I can imagine it's very hard for you to understand his interest and level of passion for his work if it's not your passion as well. When it comes to relationships, a human is typically married to themselves first, and secondly others. If music is such a huge part of his life and it's not something you share deeply in common, it could be very hard for you to find the space in his life that you can share equally with him.
I wish you the best of luck, and hope that things do work out for you both and there is a balance to be found.
very true.
Of all the artist/writer couples I know, both are involved in the same interests.
But if one partner is a musician and the another has no interest at all in it, this could be a real challenge.
It can be done, I think, if both are committed to the relationship, and the relationship is equally of interest to both.
I completely agree. Relationships are all about give and take. The failure of my marraige is the majority of the time I had I took for myself and that is something that cannot sustain a meaningful relationship.
Musicians and artists are a completely different breed of person. The amount of dedication that they put into their work is outstanding. What I had found with myself during my heyday was that I could be anywhere doing anything and had to run back home and record something if an idea or inspiration for a song came to my mind. I didn't want to lose it because those moments are very short lived. I also put a guitar app on my phone so if I thought of an awesome melody I could record it on the spot. It made for some very odd and interesting situations when I was in public and drew a lot of attention; both wanted and unwanted. Either way, I could never settle my mind until I was back home recording it and shaping it to completion.
That's why we can't always rely on cookie-cutter solutions. We should always check in each situation what would be the best thing to do. In this case, we don't know how serious this is/might become. It also depends on what you are comfortable with, whether this turns out to be an addiction/obsession or not. Definitely let him know and try to work out a solution.