I just need to vent. I can't say that my husband spends every waking hour of his life playing video games and it's not even that it interferes with his job, but it's driving me INSANE. I know that my husband uses video games to relieve some stress but I can't take it anymore. My husband is convinced that one day he is going to become this major league gamer and I'll admit that he is good, BUT I'm tired of hearing about it!!! I'm tired of hearing about how many hits his team's youtube video has, hearing about his "clans" drama, his world ranking, tournaments and potential sponsors. It's like on and on and on... Most of all, I'm so sick of hearing him curse and yell at other people on xbox live! We have a four year old daughter and it's bad when she tells me "mommy make sure daddy doesn't say bad words because that's not good right?" To top it off I work full time, then I work in real estate part-time, and usually I'm in school during the spring and fall semesters. There are times where I'm working on reports for school or work and all I can hear is him yelling at other people. I try to do my reports at night after my daughter is in bed and I need to concentrate. I can hear him no matter what room I'm in. Oh and we got those headphones for him and it's made it 100 times worse because he doesn't seem to realize how loud he is. I've tried talking to him about it and we get nowhere. I think he has an addiction to video games and cannot see it or he is in denial. I always remind him it's just a game and he acts like he knows that already and he'll tell me he doesn't take it seriously but then it's like why does he get so worked up over it? I even try and tell him that some of the people playing those games are little kids and they do not need to hear that language and he does not need to be talking like that to children. Nothing works. I know he works long hours but it's like he gets the luxury of playing video games every night while I'm stuck working and doing reports. Even when I'm not doing reports he's playing video games. He literally has a gaming clan and they have a facebook page. They even make plans on when they are all going to get online to play together and don't even get me started on the lan parties! It's so frustrating to feel like we have nothing in common anymore. We literally drove 3 hours somewhere and we sat in silence most of the time and then some of it was spent talking about a gaming tournament. I'm frustrated that I have to hear him cursing, that our daughter hears him cursing, that he gets to play video games and I have to work, and that he devotes all this time to his "clan" and can hardly strike up a conversation with his own wife! His idea of putting our daughter down for a nap is making her watch him play video games to bore her sleep. My four year old even knows about the different types of call of duty maps! It just makes no sense to me. I would be OK with the video gaming if I didn't have to hear him curse and yell and if it didn't feel like we were just drifting apart. Even when we go somewhere, like out to dinner, he'll just get on his phone and text all his gaming friends or he'll get on facebook and post stuff to his clans page. I'm really beginning to resent him for it and I've talked to him but I don't think he realizes that I'm not kidding. Sometimes I get so mad when I have to listen to him yell at 1:00am at people on xbox live that I just want to take the xbox and throw it off of a bridge. The only time things seem OK is when he gets a new project like working on his motorcycle or his fish tank. I'm 24 years old and I already feel like video games are going to be the death of our marriage. What do I do to just make the yelling stop. He told me to get ear plugs but why should I have to walk around my own house with ear plugs. That's just ridiculous.
It's funny of how your boyfriend reminds me of me when I was younger.
What did the trick for me was doing some research on the negative effects of gaming (eg bad health, bad relationships, poor social skills, etc). Maybe you should ask him to do this aswell. Again it's very important he does this himself: you dictating the bad effects won't do any good. Gamers are too stubborn to listen to others (esp when they're gaming)
Try to get him excited to quit his passion, you can help him, but you cant do it for him.
"The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible" - Richard M. DeVos
Dear CODhater,
I am a recovering gaming addict. So you may wish to keep that in my mind when you read my response.
I know a fair bit about video game addiction from first hand experience and from what you write, it appears your husband might have a borderline case.
But either way if you are as unhappy as you state you have serious problems in your marriage/relationship. Consider if he was obsessed with Civil War renenactment, or motorcycle racing or even fishing. These are all activities which he could obsess over, which you might be shut out of, and could result in a similar level of frustration. I would humbly suggest you examine why he appears to want to spend so little time with you and his child. This is the issue I would address right away, because you have your whole life ahead of you.
You should ask yourself is your role simply to support him and your family. Its complicated because this brings up the role of men, women, marriage etc. and there are so many different views on the subject.
Clearly you need to decide what you want, what you are prepared to do to get that, and take the necessary steps to get there.
That his hobby is gaming (and not fishing or car racing) I think exacerbates the problems and brings the relationship issues (above) into the light more clearly. Because it is so intrusive, and continuous and never ending. I get really annoyed when my teenage children are gaming because they cannot stop in the middle of a raid or whatever to help bring in the groceries, put away their ironed clothes, etc. etc. If their gaming were out of control like your husbands appears to be it would go from annoying to crisis. So I watch it carefully.
When my gaming was spiralling out of control my wife of 24 years performed the analysis which I have recommended above. After some thought she decided that she (and our children) would be better off alone than married to a man who was never present for them. She gave me an ultimatum - she would leave. Not that day, or the next. But in a matter of time. She made it clear she was dead serious and I believed her.
This got my attention and was a key factor in my deciding to stop and begin recovery. Not the only one, and it was ultimately my own decision. You cannot force a person to change, especially an addict. Dealing with addicted family members you must consider the 3Cs:
- you did not Cause (his addiction)
- you cannot Control (his addiction)
- you cannot Cure (his addiction)
My heart goes out to you because you have some difficult choices to make.
- pete
This is well said Pete. I am sorry that you're having so much troubles. I was very like your husband... the "functional addict" with extreme gaming. At one time, I had the delusion of becoming a "gaming pro"! I am so glad I stuck with pursuing my career as an eye surgeon instead. These games are insidious, and they change the player slowly... it's similar to having a chronic illness like diabetes, cancer, or even AIDS. Your mind, body, and spirit changes slowly over time and before the individual realizes it, they are no longer the same person before the gaming addiction.
A study in 2009 by Iowa State University suggests that addictive video game playing is similar to addictive gambling. Thus study was on children, so replace child below with "husband" - (no joke intended here):
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
Hi CODhater. Welcome to OLG-Anon. Sorry to hear about what's going on. I'm a male excessive gamer. I've read many stories of wives of gaming addicts and they're so touching. Anyway, your husband has gone way over the top suggesting your get ear plugs so he can shout at kids. Should your daughter use an ear plug too?
The issues there seem to go beyond gaming. He's isolating himself, away from his wife and daughter. He even seems to be acting in a passive-aggressive way. The question is why, and what you can do about it. Maybe marriage counseling would help.
Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.
Hi you said that "He's isolating himself, away from his wife and daughter. He even seems to be acting in a passive-aggressive way. The question is why, and what you can do about it."
Please elaborate on this for us. I see my husband going into total isolation....why? What are you trying to say here please? Any help would be appreciated.
I'm just trying to state what I understood about the situation. That he's using game as a way to be on his own, isolated. As a shell. And that he seems to be provoking you, for instance with the loud cursing while you're trying to concentrate. That may even be inconscious. There's probably a reason that both you and him can be unaware of. That's why I think counseling could help, if he can understand there's a problem and is willing to try and fix it. Sorry if I'm not very clear; English is a second language to me and I'm tired...
Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.
I just wanted to give everyone an update even though I posted this a few years ago. Recently I've been dealing with an addiction that my Dad has and I started thinking about how I reached out to this site when I was dealing with my husbands addictions and I decided to take a little trip down memory lane to try to offer some advise to my mother. First I want to say that I really appreciate everyones advise and feedback. In hindsight it is really obvious to me that my husband and I had some major problems in our marriage. Not long after I posted my initial message, I was at a point where I thought my daughter and I would be better off on our own, but I struggled with the idea so much not because I was scared to be alone, but because I didn't want to break up our family for my daughters sake. Part of me felt like I was already raising her by myself, but then I would think about how important it is for her to have a father figure and I would be back to square one. A few months after I posted this we started going to church and my husband was able to connect with some men there and I think he saw the difference between their families and our family and it made a big impression on him. My husband stopped playing video games as much and his video game clan fizzled out. My husband still plays video games, but it's maybe once or twice a month for an hour. Things are so much better and it's a huge relief!
So glad to hear that, CODhater!
Follow ups are really helpful
Thanks for sharing xx
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Thank you for the update. It is so wonderful to hear happy updates.
That is amazing! I'm very happy for you.
I am going to a counselor because of the video game issue. I have discussed my feelings with him several times and nothing has changed. I asked him to come to church with me and he said no.
He is playing right now--all day on Sundays. UGH. He sees nothing wrong with it, but it is taking a toll on me-- Tues. & Thurs. nights and all day Sundays. I am very unhappy, and we have just been married one year.
I am familiar with Alanon and go to meetings. It's very difficult to see someone you love sit on their ass playing video games for 20 hours per week.
I hope my situation improves because I can't and don't want to live like this.
If you have any tips or suggestions, that would be great.