I'm torn, I'm depressed, I'm scared, worried and not looking forward to a future if something doesn't give. I don't know how else to explain to my boyfriend how his gaming has impacted our relationship. I feel alone, all of the problems I feel fall on me. I have 3 children from a previous marriage: ages 16, 12, 8. Expecting a baby girl in November 2012. My children adore him I adore him. When he's not on the pc playing online games. As soon as he wakes up in the morning he's on his gaming. He goes to work for a few hours comes home and goes back to it until he's hungry, then goes back down til dinner time, then comes back up for dinner and falls asleep between 8 and 10 every night. He goes for over a week without bathing. He spends minimal time with us. Our finances now that I had to stop working has decreased by half of our income. He does see but doesn't see if that makes sense. Part of me feels like he really doesn't want to be this way and another part of me feels like he just wants to escape me my children. Online friends are more important than us.... The people that love him. Will our baby feel the same that we feel? Will this ever work? Do I just except it? Or walk away???? This is no way to live. This is just an existence we have were not thriving were not succeeding, were stagnet.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I am new here myself. I do know that you have come to a wonderful place where the people here understand you. You will get some wonderful advice from others much more knowelgable than myself on this and have a chance to talk to people who understand exactly what you are going through.
It must be doubly hard on you when you are pregnant and all the emotions and worries that come with that. I have been praying every night for the people on this forum and I will say an extra one for you today.
God bless you Amywhitehawk32.
Thank you so much prayingmantis. It has been so difficult. To the point where I feel so anxious. Sleepless nights not only because of being pregnant and getting to the point where I'm feeling uncomfortable, 10 weeks to go... I wish he would get his priorities together. I pray everyday he will change. I don't deserve this: his addiction, his anger when spoken to about it. My children don't deserve it. We moved into our home in March shortly after finding out I was pregnant. I feel like he has become worse and worse as the days and weeks and months have progressed. I haven't really spoken how I felt for quite sometime. When I do he just gets so angry and hurtful I don't want that additional stress. So when I do talk to him about it I do it in a loving, kind, funny way just want to see if that helps. What really hurt was my birthday last Monday, first year of my 36 years I didn't have my Mom (she moved to Florida in February). Kids started school that day. I was dealing with some health issues on antibiotics, and I was hysterically crying pretty much all day. I spoke to his Mom early that Morning who wished me happy birthday. She called me around 430pm to see what we were doing. She calls pretty much 4 to 5 times a day to see how we are because she knows how he can get with his addiction of gaming. He finally came upstairs and sang a few lines of Happy Birthday to me. I dont know if she had called him to remind him or not. But then I got a text from him around 430 that said do you want to order out. Then his mother called and I was crying and I told her he didn't get me anything. I said maybe you can convince him to take me out to dinner. So at 530 he finally came up and said where do you want to go to dinner so we went to Red Lobster. I was still hurt by the fact he knew how I was very low that day not just emotional, but not having my Mom here has been rough. He spent the whole day down there on his PC. Every day since except if were working in New Jersey which is every other weekend. Then on the weekends he unloads and loads a lot of heavy bins sitting in the hot sun (for extra money) at a flea market. We go to a campground where the kids are pretty much doing their own thing and I can't stay in the sun all day because of antibiotics but I do help set up. When he's done its like a monster comes out. I think its gaming withdrawal. He takes it out on everyone over the dumbest things. His brother also helps but doesn't really he pretty much sits on his butt and smokes cigarettes while my boyfriend works. I understand its difficult and straining on his back but he doesn't work a full time job during the week. His only motivation in life is his games. Not me not my children not our baby. Why can't he see how this is killing me I'm pretty much given up on the hopes of us getting married because well I love him I am in love with him and this hurts so much. I feel like I am a single mother and my job is to cook clean and care for his needs but when it comes to mine there never ever met. He's loving, kind, compassionate at times, but priorities and his focus are all on games. How can I fit in to all of this ?
Addicted gamers have a warped reality.
Nick Yee, PhD (http://www.nickyee.com/) published researched that half of the gamers valued their online "friends" the same as or more than their real life relationships.
The addiction to gaming is just as bad as drug and alcohol addiction. Check out my podcast on how Quinn Pitcock lost his NFL career to gaming. The podcast explains how depression is linked to dopamine and how dopamine is stimulated by video games, making video games a "digital anti-depressant". (http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-biggest-24-harnessing/id493045192)
Relationships will not work with a full-blown addict - been there as an addict and it nearly destroyed EVERYTHING!
You should not "just accept it" because you and your children deserve better. Would you tolerate living with an alcoholic? Why would you want your children to live in an environment with an addict?
No one here can tell you what to do in regards to walking away. However, I think you should address the addiction first. Your husband needs help and intervention. Rally support from the family, read books and articles on video game addiction so EVERYONE is on the same page that video game addiction is similar to gambling/drug/alcohol addiction, and then sit down and encourage your husband to change and seek help.
Your husband may need professional help. Consider pooling family resources together and send him to http://www.netaddictionrecovery.com/
Similar to alcohol, drug, and gambling addictions, video game addiction is no joke and can lead to serious problems and even death:
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/06/03/new-mexico-mom-gets-25-years-for-starving-daughter/
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3723107/Lad-of-20-is-killed-by-blood-clot-caused-by-playing-his-Xbox-for-up-to-12-hours-at-a-time.html
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/18/diablo-3-death-chuang-taiwan-_n_1683036.html
Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD
My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan
*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.
I just signed up , i know i can only use the pass word i was sent via e-mail once. Can anyone tell me what to do next?
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I don't know if his family would be willing to do an intervention. But I will read the articles you left in your comments.
So sorry for your pain amy, I know exactly what you are going through, I am a wife of a gamer and on top of it we are both unemployed, so his gaming does not stop, and our family is suffering due to the stress of not only the gaming but the financial stress too.
Keep on coming back to this site, there are a lot of people with real good advice, it may sound harsh at times, but we must do what will make us happy so that we can survive, and the gamer will not change until he wants to change, even when we are crying for them.
Stay strong, and live your life for you for now and hopefully one day he will change, God willing!!
Hugs xoxo
Thank you Mrs_KC... It's been very difficult to stay strong. I broke down this morning in front of him. Eventhough I'm sometimes emotional due to being pregnant. But this morning I couldn't hold it in anymore. It hurts so much to see the person you love so consumed by something that isn't real. The neverending levels and beating your components and being part of a team I GET IT I TRULY DO. What about our family being a part of it. As I sit here crying he's downstairs on his PC gaming. He did do a lot today around the house and with his family. But seriously after the conversation we had this morning at the end of the day you would think he would try to make some time to continue working on what we discussed in the morning. Then by the afternoon time he belittled how I poured my heart out to him. I'm done talking to him about it. I'm just so scared and alone and tired of this all. I'm so low and depressed and he just doesn't seem to care enough to see how this is destroying me. Part of me wants to leave him because I don't think he will change. He's not willing to. He listens to my cries but yet doesn't reassure me of how much he loves me all he does is sit there with sad eyes and holds me. Is that his way of saying he's sorry. But yet goes right back to it. He literally says nothing but can say a whole crap load of stuff when it pertains to his games. Gets excited for the games. When it comes to "us" he doesn't have anything to say? How am I supposed to take that? When I ask him he says I'm just listening... I'm so lost.
I feel your frustration and share the same emotional distress (and I'm not pregnant..lol). Everyone has their own limits, and as bad as it may sound and hard to do, sometimes leaving them is the only way that they will hit bottom (so that they can change and see their addiction). But that all depends on you, can you leave? Do you have a place to go? Can you do it? These questions only you can answer and do, but we are here for you, listening and trying to give some comfort and support as best as we can.
Hope you can make it to one of the meetings, every night they have meetings and everyone is welcome, but there is a new meeting on Saturdays 12 noon PST for anons (us).
Hope to chat with you soon....Hugs xoxo
It's not a reflection on you in any way, Amy. It's an addiction. Like a virus, it consumes everything in its path. It USES whatever it comes across, people, resources, money, whatever. All it wants is to keep itself going to the only thing it really wants.
All you can do is not enable it, not feed it (figuratively and literally), and work on making yourself happy. It's ridiculously hard. But it's all you can do with an addict.
Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.
What he said ^ ^
I can't imagine going through this and being pregnant as well. You must feel so alone.
After trying to deal with a similar situation for a few years, I started reading on here and it was suggested that I ignore him...at the time, that sounded insane- I was lonely enough, right? And I was pulling all of the weight myself, so how would ignoring him help? It's actually the first and only thing that has ever gotten through to him. (And I tried everything else, arguing, crying, yelling, begging, the works). (If you have read my thread then you will know that my situation is a lot more volatile, but the basics are the same).
Firstly, I stopped asking for his help, with anything, ever. If I really needed something I would call my step dad and ask him how to DIY it. This really upset my partner after a while and he started asking me "why didn't you ask me for help?" and I would calmly say "I figured you would be too busy with your game". I also stopped inviting him places or begging him to join me. (Including to bed). I just went without him. It took a while, but this started to bother him too and I noticed he started poking his head out more often to find out what was going on, in case he missed something I guess. You might think he will never notice and he will just be happy playing his game, but at the moment you are keeping him "in the loop" by telling him everything that is going on, what he is missing, how much you miss him, etc. So he probably doesn't feel like he is uninvolved So it was very lonely for me but I armed myself with things to keep me occupied during my free time, and I just lived as though I was a single mum and he was an annoying lodger. It took a while, maybe a few weeks, but he noticed, and it bothered him.
The other thing I figured out was that every time I talked to him about it, yelled, begged, cried, whatever- I gave him a new excuse to play more. He wasn't seeing that I was in pain and I needed him- he was thinking "look at this crap I have to put up with, any wonder I need to play games to get away from it". (Well, I think that's what he was thinking). So I just didn't talk to him anymore. I realised that arguing and reasoning with him was another form of enabling so I withdrew it- and then suddenly he had no reason to blame me for his playing.
The final move I made was to tell him that since he did not act like part of the family in any other way, it was no longer acceptable for him to weigh in on the disciplinary side of our household. I also pointed out that he could not expect my daughter to respect him, listen to him or do as she was asked when he himself did not show that respect to us. He did not like that at all and interestingly after I said that, he started eating dinner with us, walking the dog with us etc. So somewhere in there, underneath the addiction, he cared and wanted to be part of the family, and your partner might be just the same.
I am more convinced than ever that this is the best way to handle the addiction (if you do not want to or cannot leave) because a short while ago he had a total relapse, and played constantly for about a week, and I forgot everything I had learned, and started crying, arguing etc- with a predictable response, everything went back to how it was before, with him blaming me and shutting me out completely. This reminded me that none of those things work in this situation, they only make it worse.
I would absolutely draw the line at the kitty-litter while you are pregnant though. I have had toxoplasmosis from cat-litter and it was the worst sickness I have ever had in my life (thankfully I wasn't pregnant at the time). Perhaps he could keep the litter tray in his office, or wherever he games? That might remind him to keep it clean.
I hope some of this helps and that things start to improve for you.
Thank you Melissa: I'm such a good natured person, and give always a 110% in all that I do. with my children, the cleanliness of my house, with my boyfriend. I cater to him, laundry, cooking, making sure his needs are met. I'm to the point now where I feel angry this morning after another 4 hours of crying myself to sleep I have come to realize (which I may revert back because this is how this addiction has given me a rollercoaster of emotions) that its nothing I'm doing wrong. I give him space I don't ask him really to do anything other than take the trash out and do the kity litter. I have to learn how to not do anything for him its difficult because I care so much for him and I don't want him to feel excluded. But thats what he is doing to us. The not showering really bothers me, its absolutely disgusting. He doesn't hardly brush is teeth either. HOW can you not brush your teeth? Where the same clothes underwear for the longest has been 12 days. When he feels like talking to my children he talks to them. Majority of the time he just tries to discipline them by telling them no about the dumbest things. Which their kids their not adults they don't deserve to be cursed around or at neither do I. I hate that I think its child abuse. but his family is that way. So its just something that needs to be worked on which sometimes he does well at and others every other word is a foul one. My children know that I don't talk that way so they don't. I don't want our baby growing up with a foul mouth. He doesn't get that yet... Hopefully he will.
This morning he woke up went to the bathroom came down made coffee came down to our bedroom and went on the pc. He has a teamviewer program where he can actually play the games that are on his screen from his cell phone. So that is taken every where he goes including the bathroom. The only time he doesn't game is either when he sleeps which he always claims he never gets enough sleep when the guy sleeps from around 830pm to 8am and its solid sleep. I'm the one up all night worrying and restless... I can't tell you the last time I had a good night sleep. He says good morning as if last night he totally forgot my back was to him when we went to bed and I was crying as he was trying to rub my shoulder and I didn't turn over until he was snoring of course that made me cry harder. I went up to get a cup of coffee and he came up and gave me a kiss. I have to go passed him at his pc in order to go upstairs just ignored me. So I gave it right back.... Each day even though I still break down I'm getting a little stronger.
I just wish I could shake him and tell him to snap out of it. I think he thinks I have no where to go thats why he's just going to continue to do what he wants to do. If my parents were here I would go live with them. Since they live in Florida I can't.
I can't talk to my Mom about this because she would definately worry about me and also realize I am going through the same as I did when I was married to my childrens dad. I wish I had something to do somewhere to go. We don't have the money to do anything. He doesn't want to work more than a few hours a week because of his addiction. We're struggling another reason I can't sleep. If he cared enough he would do whatever he could to provide for this family. Its minimal effort on his part. I have no idea how were going to make it, does he care part of me thinks he doesn't care at all.
I appreciate coming here when I'm low because its the encouraging people and their words that get me through this difficult time. Since I can't talk to my partner about any of this because it just adds more fuel to the fire.
Everything you say is so familiar, especially the part about swearing at the kids and telling them off for stupid things. Well, all of it is familiar, really. And the part about thinking that you have no-where else to go, so he can do whatever he wants....it was the same here. But then I started to realise- he wasn't working, or even contributing half to the rent or the bills, and I could go anywhere I wanted, really, and probably be financially BETTER off. He just didn't think I knew that...lol- if that makes any sense.
Anyway I'm not trying to tell you to leave, I'm suggesting that once you alter your mindset about these things, and realise that you aren't dependant on him - you might find you feel much more confident and it's easier to distance yourself from him and put yourself first. You can't change what he does- but you CAN change your part in it, and that might spark changes in him.
Also, are you sure your mum couldn't handle it? I told mine and she has been so much help, building my confidence and doing things to help me be independant (like buying me driving lessons for my birthday and encouraging me to get out doing other things). And she knows my judgement with men is terrible lol. She hasn't given me a hard time about it. I wonder if you are reluctant to tell her because you still feel that this is in some way your fault? Just a thought.
I agree with Melissa, and we know how hard this is and we all wish we could "just shake them up and snap out of it", as you said. But, they won't, they will not change until they have to, which means that we have to start making the changes ourselves for us, so that they see we are serious, stand our ground and show them we are not afraid to get out of our comfort zone. I know that what we are suggesting takes time and a lot of soul searching, but it is possible (what other choice do we have, continue living how we are living, no no no that is not a life and no one deserves to be treated like that).
This is a process and it does take time. I am going through as we speak, trying day by day to be strong, make good choices and going forward. But, it hurts so much, I wish it did not have to be this way, but I can only change me, improve me and make me happy (besides my girls).
Keep coming back here and come to the meetings!
Hugs xoxo
Amy,
I'm so sorry that your boyfriend's addiction has done this to you and your kids. I hope you will find some ways to make your and their lives better, no matter what he does.
Here is a thought: Think of a good friend of yours who is in a relationship and preted that she called you. Read your own post and pretend it is what she is telling you on the phone. What would you tell her she should do? It's a hard exercise. I find it hard when I think that way, for sure. But I hope that it helps you a little.
I wish you the best.
I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.
I have been playing the scenario over and over in my head. I honestly don't know what I would say if a friend called me and told me this. I'm so deep into this mess I can't find away to get out of it. Ignoring him, getting angry with him, crying over him, isn't helping either but I just don't know what to do. I Thought we had a great conversation last night of course it all was about him and how he has no direction and doesn't know where to start in life as I console him. Who consoles me when I'm balling my eyes out over him?????? I've been so low today I slept pretty much all afternoon. I just want to sleep as each day passes I'm getting deeper and deeper into a depression and HE DOESN'T see THIS???!!!! Right now I'm so angry, I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. RAWR..... I try so hard to look happy in front of the kids. I try to show little emotion about it in front of them... My boys are disassociating themselves with him they rarely go downstairs anymore to even acknowledge him. Their upset too. I am concerned with my oldest son who is 12 I limit his game time because he is already a gamer from his father and now my boyfriend. My little one is a sports kid he always wants to be outside playing rarely on the pc. He still wants to sit on his lap and be loving and playful with him when he's available and not on his pc. My 16 year old daughter also is somewhat of a gamer thats her only thing in common with her dad. She doesn't really bother with my boyfriend either. She sees what I see and she constantly wonders why I left her father for the same thing. Now my boys are asking me. But they don't know that their father also had or still has a sexual addiction that ended with him cheating on me 27 different women. Do I see the same qualities in my boyfriend as I did my x husband absolutely. Thats what scares me the most. Its constantly on my mind,.............
If my Mom wasn't judgemental, or an I TOLD YOU SO person I would go to her. She isn't in the greatest health either and I just don't want to bother her.
I'll I.M u my contact deets, use them if u want to chat :-)
k thanks hun
He came up around 830 tonight I went down to bed, he got himself something else to eat and finally came down.Of course, I was crying he kisses me goodnight says I love you. tears and crying get harder to hide. I turned away he asked me what was wrong this time I refused to open up. This time I refused to tell him he's the reason I am crying once again. He is the reason I am shutting down, he is the reason I am so depressed. I went upstairs and i just sat on the floor and cried out about 10 times I'm so alone I can't take it anymore. (kids are at their dads tonight) I want to tell him but he doesn't care, he doesn't see what he's destroying is the best woman for him. The only woman that loves him the way he needs to be loved. the only woman that despite all of his mistakes and flaws I still love him and want him. Its depressing he still hasn't showered. Absolutely disgusting another reason I cry because he doesn't care enough about himself or me to bathe. these are some of the current games he has been playing he goest through all of them on a daily basis the 6 to 10 hours a day he is on there playing. LEAGUE OF LEGENDS, SUPER MONDAY NIGHT COMBAT, DIABLO 3, STAR WARS GALAXIES, STARCRAFT, NEED 4 SPEED, CASTLOT, FACEBOOK APPS, THE NEWEST ONE AS OF YESTERDAY IS ANOTHER RACING GAME BECUASE HIS BROTHER HAS IT FOR PS 3 others I can't remember at this time.
I don't know if you read the post I posted today...I am not sure how this works, I'm sorry If I am not posting in the right areas. I don't know how to navigate this yet. My husband is addicted. He gets angry and rageful, and throws controllers and curses at me and at the children over the PS3 games...especially this online one he plays. Every waking minute that he gets to play he is on there...and when I say enough is enough, he goes into a rage. Well tonight my son wasn't home (and it is my son's PS3...my son got it for his birthday)... and he got into a rage, and smashed the PS3 over and over again on the kitchen tile floor, and threw it at me... he destroyed it, and I dont' know how I am going to tell my son what he did, afterall, it's my sons PS3. Then he cursed me out in front of my children, blaming it on me... calling me names, threatening me and saying he's leaving me.... it's unbelievable.... I still can't wrap my head around it... how these games can be so important....! What is wrong with him???? Does this ever get better? I can't even afford to buy my son a new PS3.... and even if somehow the money dropped out of the sky, I don't think I should buy another one after seeing what it did to my husband.....
I am so sorry hubbyisajerk, he definitely seems to have a gaming addiction, but you also must realize that his outburst is not normal, and you should think about the safety of your family and yourself first. I know that your son will be upset with the game being broken, but it was not your fault, and if anyone should replace it, it should be your husband, but consider too, that this is a blessing in disguise for all, the games are very addictive and it would or could eventually become a problem for your son too. Please continue to read on this site, as the gamers have much information to provide on how they dealt with their gaming addiction, their struggles and progress to recovery. There is much to learn about the gaming addiction, and it is in a sense a choice of drug, like alcoholism and drug addiction.
Please join our anon-only group meetings every Friday at 4pm pacific/7pm eastern time, but you are also welcome to participate in the daily chat meetings that start at 6pm pacific/9pm eastern time.