I'm Totally Frustrated!

Its the addiction she has towards the game rearing its ugly head sad to say Gratefuldad.Shes finding excusses for it,and defending it, by becomming very defensive,and you saying"this is real stuff we need to take care of"was the flame that lite the fuse.At least thats what i got out your post.Im sorry i can't be of more comfort to you,but im sure the other members will post there thoughts ,and views to give you support.Hang in there.

gratefuldad wrote:

I got frustrated this evening and opened my mouth, now I'm kicking myself in the rear, feeling even more frustrated and confused.

a.) I relate, I relate, I relate. I relate. We relate! (right, everybody?)

b.) I know, when you "open your mouth" you wish a calm "I-statement" would come out. Something perfectly diplomatic and disarming. Something like "when you do x, I feel y. Blah blah blah. Gentle, patient, reasonable, safe. But instead all these emotions tumble out, and then it all just really hurts.

c.) It's confusing, it's frustrating. It really hurts.

d.) She was shifting blame (or something) to you, with the statement about how you never used to care about the school stuff before. If it were true that you never cared about the school stuff before, and now you do...well...that should be GOOD, right? It's an illogical defense. Maybe she meant that she was the one to handle that stuff before, and you should have been involved, and now she's punishing you by being the absentee one--like "ha, now you know what it feels like, it's your turn to deal with it." (I've pulled crap like that before, it's kinda passive-aggressive...it sucks and doesn't have any good productive value).

e.) Any counseling possibility? I haven't read everything you've posted at this site, so I don't know if you've addressed the possibility of seeing a counselor together. Myself, I'm about to inquire at a local church here, if their "counseling ministry" includes addiction counseling. I think my husband needs a third party to inform him that he has an actual problem.

f.) Do any of your wife's real life friends or family know about what she does? For instance, is she frank and open about how many hours she games? Or is it a secret thing?

I've asked my husband before--is this (the gaming) something you would want to tell anyone about? Would you tell a friend? The pastor? (if not...red flag that you know it isn't right!)

g.) For what it's worth, I know how you feel.

-jo

You put her in a position where real life might intrude with her gaming. Engaging her in other things for a few days may have been interfering a little with her gaming and she was just looking, subconsiously, for an excuse to lash out and make it your fault, to "punish YOU" by gaming more. In the end her addiction got her more game time that was justified, in some warped way that only an addicted mind can understand.

The reason I can see it is I am a gamer and have been, while not exactly there I made my own ludicrious rationalizations that when looked at after I had been away from the game for a while made no sense at all...

Peoples advice here to get more information on anon program, to seek help for yourself to help you deal with your possible co-dependancy issues is the best thing you can do right now. IMHO.

Hi Grateful, Please listen to Harold! (And the other folks who are also giving you good and sensitive feedback.) What we are very much "hearing" on the forums is that your emotional state is determined by your wife's behavior around her gaming. This presents some real challenges, not least of which is because she is actively addicted and using. That makes her an incredibly unreliable source of happiness or satisfaction. Her moods and behaviors should not be allowed to determine yours. (Yes, I certainly know and understand how easy this is to say and how hard it is to do. But, nonetheless.)

I'm also going to "put it out there" that you and your wife may need to have a talk about her continuing homeschooling your kids. I am saying this from the perspective of someone who homeschooled her own four children for eight years... so I am neither biased against homeschooling, nor unaware of its challenges. Now, we both know that five and seven year old kids don't necessarily need to do eight hours a day of academics. My own kids were enrolled, during their grade school years, in Calvert School, and until sixth or seventh grade, they were able to easily finish all their assigned work in the morning.

However... there is a lot more to homeschooling than just worksheets and textbooks. Your kids need to be getting out there on a regular basis, interacting with all different kids. They need to be doing sports, theatre, art class, biology class, Spanish class, whatever... you do not want them sitting at home all day, every day, creating their own closed little world. Believe me, you don't. Sooner or later, I can almost guarantee you that your kids will turn to the computer as their primary source for friends and fun and then you'll have a house full of addicts.

I would also question how well your wife is going to be able to continue to educate your kids. Okay, I was never one of those people you'd read about in the books, but God knows I did put a lot of myself into their schooling. Whether it was art or science projects, unit studies, homeschool events like the aquarium day or the museum scavenger hunt or the international fair, if you're hoping to do better than the school does, you have to work at it. It takes a lot of time and effort to really put good stuff together. And, because of its unstructured and ultimately "unaccountable" nature, it's incredibly easy to let things slide and develop a "manana" attitude around homeschooling. Every second that your wife is at home, she's going to be drawn to that computer, especially now that she seems to be having some kind of a relationship (exact nature unknown) with somebody online. Do you really think she turns all that off to do math and spelling? That she isn't incredibly tempted to "just check on her status" for "five minutes" while the kids are otherwise occupied?

Look, you can't be home to see what's happening with your kids. I'm glad you have confidence that your wife is doing a great job, but really, to be honest, you don't know for sure that's what's happening. The fact that she won't even go over paperwork for next year with you isn't exactly a good sign.

I don't know why you made the family decision to homeschool, whether it was for religious reasons, the schools in your area are awful, personality or health issues involving your kids, or whatever. But I'd suggest that you re-visit those reasons and try to be very honest with yourself and her as to whether your children's educational and social needs are really and actually going to be met next year and ongoing.

FWIW!

Jane in CT

Dearest Grateful,

Hello there. :) I am Solei and was addicted to WoW and other video games for over 5 years of my life. Lost my first husband and job because of the time I spent working on my guild and character instead of on my relationship and career.

It took a lot before I finally admitted that I was helplessly powerless over the addiction. The game had simply consumed my life. Thanks to this site, counseling, and a very strong support group of friends and family I was able to combat and beat my addiction. I have been free for almost 4 years.

Not a day goes by in my life where I don't regonize the hard work it took to get off and stay off the games.

No one could encourage me or push me to quit until I was ready. My first husband begged and pleaded with me.. I remember logging into WoW-related websites at work (I was teaching Kindergarten at the time) and I look back on that with SO much embarassment and sadness. The addiction is extremely strong... and would have done anything within my power to get a "fix."

I want you to know that we're here for you. If your wife ever decides she's ready to join our website-- please have her message me. Talking to another female gamer was instrumental in my recovery. Meanwhile, chin up my friend. I know this is not easy.

On another note: to echo what Jane said about your children's education. I have been a teacher in the lower elementary grades (K,1,2,3) for 10 years. It is crucial that homeschooled children, like Jane said, have exposure to outside activities. :)

Let us know how else we can support you.

Peace, Solei

Hi there GD.

One (more) thing I'll say about all this, and then no more.

We sometimes see on our anon forums a syndrome that I refer to as "I can't do it because I can't do it because I can't." In other words, someone will post up about a situation involving a spouse or loved one, and the experienced folks here will chime in with various insights and feedback. We are supposed to be limited to sharing our OWN experience, strength and hope... sometimes we manage to do this, sometimes we don't. But in any event, the feedback is caring and well-meant, certainly.

What the original poster mostly communicates - from the point of the first post forward - are all the various reasons why nobody's suggestions will do any good. Why the situation is so uniquely complicated, so extreme and unusual, that our "ESH" is, essentially, irrelevant. Eventually, the poster becomes frustrated with our community because, fundamentally, what s/he is looking for on our forums is not to be found there.

I am not saying this is you, but I am saying it could be. We don't want you to go away mad, in fact we don't want you to go away at all. But do realize that you are not only going to hear what you want to from us. If you are open to the idea that you won't always just be re-affirmed in your current way of thinking, you will be able to make much better use of this board.

Jane in CT

GD - have you read the thread My Husband Is Addicted To Evony & Thinks I Have The Problem? there's a theme there parallel to yours; people thinking through and struggling with the same stuff. just a thought.

Hey GottaBeDone...thanks for your support...that's my thread and I agree that these stories are parallel. This is the most frustrating life and I'm sitting 10 ft away from my gaming husband who knows how I feel and it doesn't matter to him at all...only Evony. It's so insane I can't believe that this has happened to me and all the others suffering through our reality! I honestly wake up EVERY day and pray the tides will turn and he'll see how much he's missed and will continue to miss if he doesn't stop playing but every day it's the same. Actually, I think that's what frustrates me the most...every day is the same. What a hopeless way to live.

I'm so grateful for this site and the support it offers with the other members advice and sharing, it relieves the pressure by allowing us to express our true feelings even if we need more time to take some steps in resolving our own lives. Always we must keep in mind that WE cannot control the addicts behavior only our own. We must take our lives in a healthy direction even if it means leaving our addict behind.

Easier said than done, I know. But, without this site I'd be so much worse.