Just sad...

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lenimarie
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Last seen: 12 years 1 month ago
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Joined: 02/09/2011 - 3:54pm
Just sad...

I haven't been feeling well the last couple of days, and since I started a difficult new job in the last few weeks the stress was just adding up and I ended up having to go home early today. I feel totally lost. My husband of course has started playing again. At first he was trying to hide it but the last couple of weeks I've noticed him staying up later and later and buying more games. He doesn't even really try to hide it anymore, and I've been so caught up in work and feeling tired I haven't put up much of a fight.

My new insurance finally kicked in and I'm going back to seeing my therapist next week, and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist to also to make sure the meds are in order. I know I need to take care of myself first, it's just amazing to me how manipulative and full of lies someone can be, someone you have known for years and years. I don't think I even recognize him anymore. I think the last couple of days he's been going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning, and this is with him getting on the computer as soon as he gets home around 4. He stops maybe to eat something quick, but now that he's on the ADHD medicine he doesn't get very hungry anymore so that makes it even more convenient to camp out at the computer all day.

We went to the eye doctor last weekend and there was a question on computer use and he puts that he uses it about 12 hours a day. That sounds like a ridiculous amount, but even that's a lie. He works 8 hours a day, most of which is on the computer, and then he comes home and is on it for at least another 6 to 8 hours if not more. I just feel so utterly exhausted. Our 2 year anniversary is next month. Because I started this new job I don't have any time off I can take until summer, but I suggested we go away at least for a weekend, even if it was to stay at a hotel in town or something, just the two of us. At first he was vague about making plans, then last week he said it would be better if we just saved our money for when we can take time off later. Which really means spend it on games and other stuff we don't really need. He asked me if he could buy a game on PS3 that I was kind of interested in as well and I said sure, but turns out he had already ordered it like the day before and didn't even bother to tell me, so that was pointless. I feel so stupid and used. And since I'm sick and tired and things at work aren't going well, it isn't really making for much of a week.

What sickens me is how charming and sweet he can be, almost like the perfect guy, and then I realize later what he's been doing and I feel like a tool. I looked up Nar-Anon meetings in this area and found some on Sunday nights, so I think I'm going to start going to those. I think I need to meet with other people face to face who understand in a way what this is like. My bipolar disorder doesn't handle too much stress very well for very long and since I've been hospitalized before for it I'm trying to minimize the stress as much as I can. I think today at work a few coworkers talked to me and tried to cheer me up some and made me realize that I'm worth more than all this. I deserve a lot better. All this crap that has happened the last few years has made my self esteem nonexistent and I think I've just been allowing this to go on because I feel like I don't deserve better. I know I need to take care of myself first and live my own life and then see what goes from there. Sorry for the long rant, it's been a hell of a day and I just needed to release this somewhere. Thanks for reading.

fer
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Last seen: 8 years 6 months ago
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Joined: 03/09/2011 - 12:18pm
So sorry to hear about your

So sorry to hear about your troubles, Marie. Wishing you the best -- hugs!

Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.

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