My wife has always been a gamer. She started to play Crime City about a year ago on her Iphone. At first i thought she was just playing the game, later she told me about the "forum" for the game that helps their "syndicate". Over the past 6 months she started to fall away from the family, spending a lot of time upstairs in the bed..On her phone. But i still just thought it was a game. I confronted her about 2 months ago about how i felt she has changed as a spouse and mother and she went to the doctor claiming it was depression. I now realize after reading other posts that it was the game. Just recently, i have really tried hard to push for her to reconnect with her family, and granted, she has tried. But only two weeks ago, i looked at her phone after she was asleep and found she was having sexual conversations with some of her "teammates". I then found a conversation with another girl about how she has three boyfriends on the game. I blew up!
Granted, we had some relationship problems in the past (i would get on porn sites) about 7 years ago. But i quit when she found out and i didnt want to lose the love of my life.
So now we are trying to figure things out...where to go from here...she says she wants to stay with me, and that i am the only one she wants. She says she has broken off anything with the guys on "Line" but says she doesnt want to give up the game or the "Line" chat.
How do i trust her that she wont start over?
Welcome to OLGA, LiG. What you're talking about does sound like it might be a gaming addiction, and if that's true, you have no guarantees that she won't start over, nor can she honestly give you any. It's possible that she's simply a really bad user, and that she'll be fine now that she's started to experience some consequences from her actions, but if she's an addict, it won't be until she tries to get help from other addicts that she'll be able to quit.
If she is an addict, you might want to read Mel's post on the subject of living with a gaming addict...(http://olganon.org/?q=node/42150). I don't know for sure if she's an addict or not...I just know that she might be. If she is, you've got some choices to make, and they aren't going to be either pretty or fun. I'm sorry you get to go through all of this. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
So she got home from work today and started in on why I was moping(although I was upstairs cleaning the bedroom). I told her I was trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of other things. She wanted to talk, so I told her in a very calm voice that I wasn't going to argue anymore about things I found on her phone. I said I was going to work on myself, to make me the best that I can be and that I was going to work on the house to get things organized. I said I want to get my life in order, this house in order, and that I was going to fight for this marriage forever. I said that I would like for us to come up with some things to work on for our marriage, but not tonight. I said I am over being angry about what I found on her phone, I have forgiven her, and it was up to her to decide what comes next for us. When she asked "like what?" I said it all seems to be about that game so that's her call. I wanted to let her feel like I was giving her the option. I know I can't change her, hopefully for us and these young children (4&10) that she sees what she is doing. So now she is downstairs while I am upstairs cleaning. So is this facilitating her? Or am I doing the correct thing. I love her and like I said, I will never give up on this marriage.
I'm glad you were able to keep calm. If you're definitely set on trying to work things through with somebody who might not be willing to work with you on it (and if she's an addict, she won't be), then please read Mel's post. As an addict, I can say that everything she says about addiction makes a LOT of sense (meaning I can imagine myself being there and doing the things she describes her addict as doing), and everything I've heard says that your best bet for both you and her is if you handle things according to the kind of approach she talks about. I hope things go well for you. Hugs.
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
Hi LiG, I think you are in the right place.
When I first came to this site it was with the same questions, (addict/not addict) about my wife, and although it took a long time to get it certain in my head, it was the support of this comunity, their advice and experiences that got me there.
There is a lot to learn when dealing with addicts/ potential addicts but it sounds like you are already at a point of emotional maturity it took most of us a long time to reach. That should help make things a little easier for you. Not the decisions mind, just coping with whatever happens.
A word of warning though from personal experience, IF your wife is an addict then her mindset will be a little difficult to understand, but just about everything she says or does will probably be related in some way to continuing her addiction, her own needs don't just come first, in some instances they are all-consuming.
A kind gesture or service performed may seem pleasant and caring but the mindset may well be "It'll be harder for him to nag at me if I've done something nice for him, it'll get him off of my back for a while." Looks the same as any other kind gesture, but the intention has changed.
If it becomes a battle, if you decide you will no longer sit idly by, then she will look for every advantage possible and twist logic in on itself until it resembles the opposite. It starts to drive you crazy after a while and has you wondering if it's really 'you' who has the problem.
This is just personal experience but my need to write it was sparked by something you said..
" I said I want to get my life in order, this house in order, and that I was going to fight for this marriage forever."
Fight forever? I said the same thing to my wife, thinking I was showing her my commitment, that she would reciprocate similarly with an equally strong gesture. It was pointed out to me later that I had just handed her a large advantage. What i had said to her was probably interpreted something like this...
"I love you so much darling, I just can't live without you. No matter how much it takes I'll always keep trying to make things work. Even if you make no effort at all and continue to game, in fact, even if your gaming spirals out of control, the spending increases and you have that online affair you were considdering, I'll stil be here, the only one putting any effort in and trying to bend over backwards to make it work. You don't really need to stop your game unless you feel like it, you need not fear losing me no matter how bad your behaviour gets, I'll carry on fighting for this marriage forever, or at least until it kills me."
To be sure it's not what you meant, nor what I meant, but that is how it could be interpreted by an addict looking for signals that it's safe to continue gaming.
Every piece of information you share, every admission you make, can be a weapon used against you. I once admitted to my wife that I had been snooping on her skype account occasionally because she never told me what happened in her online social life and it was affecting her moods (I suspected). I was ashamed of stooping to such depths, that our level of trust had dropped so low. I thought by admitting my failing it could open some serious dialogue into the damage this game was causing to our marriage. Instead it just highlighted an area of weakness she had overlooked so she password protected her accounts to hide everything from me and could then keep insisting that "nothing was happening" and I no longer had the ability to debate that.
But this is only IF your wife is addicted. If she isn't, then sharing your feelings and making such gestures are a necessary part of the healing and reconciliation proess.
My intention is not to depress you or overwhelm you, it seems you have a good head on your shoulders and can probably handle this information fairly well. It's just that I didn't receive (or perhaps listen to) the warning until I had already given away most of my advantages and put myself in a decidedly weaker position. I thought it might be worth giving you the heads up to be a little guarded about how you respond until you've had time to read a LOT of posts and get your head around what these addictions are and what they can become.
I hope your fears are unfounded and this ends happily for you, it would be nice to have another 'happy ending' story around here.
Hugs Anonnymouse
Thanks Anonymouse and Learning serenity for the great feedback. She gamed for about an hour last night, but spent the rest of the evening with me. I really hope she can progress positively. I think I will try to lay low for a day or two and see what happens. Since she works, I am afraid the weekend is where we will have troubles again. fingers crossed!
Hi Lost,
Olga is a great find and the whole community is wonderful, very supportive and caring. I would refer her here if she is ready to quit for good. We will be here for her and she does not have to do this alone. Recovery road is a long long road and it requires lots of work and yet very rewarding and healing. We also have meetings every Thursday for family members, please click on Meetings to find out more about the schedule.
I also created a personal blog to share my experience as an addict with families who are suffering, and I hope you will find it helpful.
http://olganon.org/?q=node/41941
Hugs,
Maggie
It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen
Annonymouse, that sounds exactly like how it would be interpreted by an addict. Hopefully, LiG's wife isn't an addict, just a bad user, but you're right to have that as a concern. Let us know how things go, LiG. I hope they go well. Hugs.
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom
As much as I am trying to put it behind me, today has been a rough afternoon. I have to go out of town for work all of next week and It is killing me to know what she will be up to. I want to trust her, but doubt has entered my mind as it never had before. If it was just playing the game it wouldn't bother me as much, but the chatting with men and exchanging photos is what is killing me inside. I know from reading her chat texts that she said the has/had three boyfriends in there, 2 are from out of the country, but the third is only about 3 hours from where we reside. While I was out of town with the kids (she had to work) two weeks ago, I saw where she texted one of her friends from work and said she met a guy and was thinking about hooking up. (It was the guy from the next state over). Of course her sorry friend told her to "go for it!" I really want to confront this friend, but I am too hurt right now. More hurt than mad.
About whether she is an addict or not, I would say she is a functioning addict, maybe not as bad as some from what I read, but she has a problem.
Hey sorry lost, it is a tough pill to swallow. Seems like once they get talking to others that spend all their time on games it makes them doubt their own relationship. They think they have so much in common and they listen to me. We'll yeah they listen thief wasting their time sitting on the computer for hours at a time also. The addiction will twist there thinking for sure.
What annonmouse said is right on, it doesn't matter how much you try to show them you love them or how dedicated you are to them. They will keep doing it they think they have you and you won't go anywhere and the can keep doing what they want. In my case I did start to talk about divorce because of the pure disrespect she showed for me and our marriage. We'll she took that as a sign that she needed to file and that it was mutual. So somtimes their is no wining with them. Somtimes you just have to ask yourself if you can live like this.
I think the best thing you can do is your own thing, like everyone says take care of your self and I think avoid confrontation. They may notice your not there for them at every turn or they may not. Either way relationships have to have boundaries. Some you might be able to bend on and some not. That decision only you can make. These are just my thoughts on my experiences. Take care and keep coming back hang in there keep your head up.
Hi Lost,
Very sorry! I agreed with drgz. Don't worry about confronting anyone! Just run your own race and do your best as a husband. Confrontation will not do you any good. She has all of these boyfriends that you mentioned, are you sure they are her boyfriends? May be they are just a friend, assuming or doubting your loved one is the worst thing you can do to destroy a relationship. Just remember, we can not control what others do....all we can do is taking care of ourselve to the best of our ability because at the end, no one can appreciate us the way we do for ourselve. I pray that you have the courage to accept the things that you can not change.
Hugs,
Maggie
It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen
Sadly, I am going through your exact situation.
Reading your post is almost exact to my situation as well. If you dont mind me asking, how did things turn out one year later? My wife gave me the "I've cut off the relationship, but want to continue playing and chatting" line. I struggle with it, because all of these people in chat are likely addicts / bad users and give her the encouragement to stay with it.
I read a large back log of the group chat prior to me finding out about the loser she had a online / skype relationship with and it is filled with sexual inuendo and I find myself wanting to snoop, but it feels like a very slippery slope. Im giving her my trust and find myself letting go of wanting to control this gaming / bad user as well as letting go of my need to support her emotionally.
Would love to hear how your Crime City wife is doing. Im hoping things are good for you both.
LiG - I empathize with where you are. And only wished I had "snooped" when my relationship with gamer (now ex) started to falter. He was exceptionally good at twisting & manipulating my observations & perceptions so much that I started to doubt & question myself. I never looked at anything with his game, part because it's a boring game IMO and largely because (and here's the kicker), I TRUSTED THIS MAN. I gave all my trust & love & respect to this man who was my "happily ever after" somebody. Sadly I thought he had too.
After the fact, I started digging and found all the info was right in front of me the whole time I was openly approaching gamer about improving what was wrong with "us". I could have had the information to consider and have found this site before it got to the point of no return. I'm learning an exceptional amount after the fact.
Yes, we partners cannot control the gamers' behavior and should focus on what we can change, namely "us" and our own behavior/mindset. However not seeking as much information as you can tolerate unfortunately limits your decision set, IMO.
To begin, begin. William Wordsworth
Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence? Sai Baba
Annonymouse - Regarding being too open and honest, OMFG. I never considered that aspect, that I was only supplying the arsenal of info to be used at a later time. I (too) slowly have started to limit how much of "me" I share with gamer anymore, mostly because he doesn't reciprocate. His conversations with me have as much depth as he might share with the cashier at Walmart (a vast change from when "we" were happy). I got tired of sharing lines and lines of "me" (texting) and getting single line, sometimes single word, responses. Later he'd go on to tell me he missed my "chattering". When I shared how I now felt vulnerable sharing so much only get crumbs into return, his inital response was "well that's on you". 8-\
I'm still not totally great on this skill of hold my cards close, but I don't get my fingers slammed in the drawer as much either.
To begin, begin. William Wordsworth
Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence? Sai Baba