My boyfriend and his other world

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
martyq2
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 09/01/2009 - 1:45pm
My boyfriend and his other world

Hello all:

My name is Anna and my boyfriends name is Marty. We have known eachother since middle school and have been dating since age 16. We are both 27 now and I'm afraid our relationship has been falling apart within the passed few years, and this could be the end. My boyfriend was always a gamer, when we first started hanging out he would always have a gameboy ... I remember him telling me he wanted a Nintendo 64 for christmas .. then a few years later it was playstation 2, then a few years later a new pc. When we we're younger I actually loved playing Super Smash Brothers with him, but I thought we had moved on. Fast foward to 2006 when Marty brought home his new computer. He started downloading all new games and stuff, typical of him really I thought nothing of it. In August I became aware he was playing a game called Everquest 2, he seemed to really like and again I thought nothing of it... until a couple weeks later.

Me and Marty did many things together, shopping, going out to eat, seeing movies, staying home and watching movies, cooking together .. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. He would never say no to me, and I think until he got this game never ever said anything to upset me, or make me think he was angry with me, I think we had gotten in maybe two arguements before this time.

It was a Friday night in October when I began to realize something was wrong. We we're supposed to go meet a few friends at a club, and in the afternoon Marty said he felt sick and didn't want to go. He spent the whole night on the computer, actually the whole weekend.. I don't think he slept at all. Sunday night I confronted him about it and he got really firm with me and insisted everything was fine. After that it was never the same. He would come home from work saying he wasn't hungry and wouldn't eat dinner with me, just giving me a kiss on the cheek and going to his computer. He started going to bed at 2-3am and waking up at 6am so he could go on before work. By March of 2007 it got to the point where he didn't even aknowledge me unless I was going to sleep with him, and that was the only way I could get his attention. At that point I told him I had enough of this, and his gaming was dramaticly effecting our strong relationshp. I told him to pick me or his computer, and he told me his choice was me and he said he would change.

He still played but much less, although this lasted maybe a month. He thought everything was ok again and got back to his routine. One day while he was at work I figured out how to log onto his Everquest 2 game and figured out how to talk to people in his guild. They told me he was a very important person in their guild and very reliable, I tried to explain to them how this game was ruining our relationship and they agreed to talk to him about. Later that night he screamed at me "WHY THE **** ARE YOU TALKING TO MY FRIENDS, WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THEM?" I fell to my knees crying and he just walked back to his computer. After he had come to bed he apoligized and told me he realized he had a problem and I thought this was all going to be over. But the next day it was the same thing, straight to the computer. By August he was calling out of work once every two weeks, and waking up almost every other night to phone calls of his "friends" asking him to come play. In october of 07 he was fired from his job for cutting too many days. I gave him his final choice, our love or his game. This time he said he thought it be better if we spent some time away from eachother and dated once or twice a week. I moved in with my mother, who I moved away from when I was 18.. to live with Marty. We were only allowed to date during the day, cause at night time it was time to play. I did this until November of 2008. By this time I was helping him pay rent with mostly money my mother was loaning me. I finally asked Marty to marry me, and he said yes. In January of this year I moved back in.. but he was still playing Everquest 2... and trying to pay attention to me. Life went on like this until last week when I wrote a fake suicide letter and went to stay with my mother. Marty called me crying to make sure I was ok, and I told him it was the only way I felt I could get to him. He confessed to me that he wanted to stop, and that he had removed it from his computer and was ready to move on .. and rebuild our relationshp.

I always thought Video Game addiction was a joke, until this happened to me. Now I know, and hope the whole world will know that this is just as bad as a cocaine addiction, it ruins lives and your family. Me and Marty have been through so much, I can't imagine life without him. I want to know what we can do now, I feel like we need professional help but I am not sure if we should seek relationship counseling, or he should seek help for his addiction. I know this was lengthy but I need to get it off my chest, somewhere. And now I don't know where to go

-Anna

[color=blue]Edited for Language - No By-passing Allowed[/color]

Moose
Moose's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 1 month ago
OLGA member
Joined: 02/23/2009 - 1:28am
Anna, Welcome to OLGANON . I

Anna, Welcome to OLGANON . I know what it is like to be addicted to video games. I use to play World of WarCRACK!...An from what ive hurd on the forums you can't making someone stop they have to stop on there own.But a little push never hurt anybody. If you ask my 2 cents on this its him that needs the counseling not you. He has the addication not you. But be there for him show him you care witch to me you do plenty of that now. I do hope things get better. An good luck i hope yall work things out. -moose-

Game free since Sep 27, 2013

lifewithoutgames
lifewithoutgames's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 08/28/2009 - 11:14am
RE: I am not sure if we

RE: I am not sure if we should seek relationship counseling, or he should seek help for his addiction.

Anna,

I am in no way a professional counselor, but it would seem to me that if it was possible, to do BOTH would be ideal.

Good luck,

lifewithoutgames

lifewithoutgames

Use that which comes against you to lift you higher.

Cyphersnow
Cyphersnow's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 4 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/31/2009 - 11:29am
Yeah, if he's not hearing

Yeah, if he's not hearing your concerns right now when you try to talk with him, marriage counciling might be the right avenue. Might be a good way to open the lines of communication again, and have a 3rd party encourage compromise, rules, and boundaries.

If he can't control his gaming, which it sounds like he can't, you might want to see if he is interested in browsing this site a little. Lot of good support here.

The only winning move is not to play.

the_real_me
the_real_me's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 3 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 08/22/2008 - 10:59am
I agree with the "both"

I agree with the "both" option, too.

Try to get him to join the forums here. He will learn alot...and that he is not alone.

The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09

gsingjane
gsingjane's picture
Offline
Last seen: 6 years 1 month ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 06/05/2007 - 2:28pm
Welcome Anna, Your story is

Welcome Anna,

Your story is very touching and also troubling. It certainly sounds as if your (boyfriend? husband? not clear from your post) has some serious issues around gaming. And, that these issues are affecting your life, too.

I think the posts above are "right on" to suggest both relationship counseling and addiction therapy for Marty, if he'll participate. Or if it is too expensive right now, really he can attend any 12-step group, it doesn't have to be for gaming (if there is a Gamblers Anonymous in your area, that can be especially helpful).

You will want to be very, very careful when you considering further "entertwining" your life and circumstances with his. If you, for instance, decide to have a child with Marty before his addiction issues are fully resolved, you may very well wind up in a situation where there are two of you hurt and devastated, noit just one. If you, for instance, quit your job or reduce your work hours, you may wind up financially dependent on an unreliable person. If you, for instance, get a joint checking account with Marty, he may siphon off the money to play. Living with an addict is a really dicey thing and you have to protect yourself.

Finally, although I'm sure it doesn't seem like it right now, you are still very young in the general scheme of things. You have time yet to find happiness and start a family with someone who is more stable and will be a 50/50 partner with you. You may want to consider how much more time you will spend with Marty... not in the sense, that you should leave him now, or even in a year, but just that, he may never get a handle on his gaming addiction. You should be prepared to make a decision, or at least set a tentative mental deadline, for when you might consider moving on. You do not want to be posting back here in 10 or 20 years, frustrated and lonelier than ever, with all that time gone by and wasted. I don't mean to bum you out, but gaming addictions are really, really hard to "crack," especially if the gamer doesn't really want to change, and there is the possibility out there that Marty may never, in fact, truly recover.

Jane in CT

biketwit
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 5 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/12/2009 - 6:02pm
Hi Anna, Was sorry to read

Hi Anna,

Was sorry to read your post. I have had similar problems with my guy. I suggest he go to some kind of 12-step program or get some books about gaming. Do you think he is depressed? If so, read some on that as well. Be kind in your approach.

Get out and meet some new people and save up some money would be the next step for you imo. Hope that helps. Mine is in counseling to no avail yet. He is in denial about hours spent gaming.

robinh
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 12/04/2008 - 8:36pm
hi anna, i'm sorry to hear

hi anna,

i'm sorry to hear about your struggles. it is so hard to see someone you love lose themselves in an addiction. i think therapy of some kind for both of you would be the best choice. you will need to see your responsibility for your behavior in the relationship. and you must be willing to lose the relationship. this is the hardest part.

be kind to yourself...

Log in or register to post comments