So this is my first time here at OLGA. I am here because my boyfriend of almost four years has started having what I consider an addiction to World of Warcraft. He started playing about 6 months ago, and it seems to me that he is getting more and more caught up in the game. We have starting having serious problems in our relationship as a result.
Unlike most of the other posts I have read so far, I feel that my story is a little bit different in the fact that I don't live my boyfriend, so I don't know exactly how much time he is actually playing. However, I do know that he is spending a significant less amount of time with me that he used to, and that all of our time together is seemingly scheduled around playing WoW. It seems that he is planning more and more time with his guildmates (I think that's what they're called) and he expects me to go along with it. If I don't he says that I am being too controlling and that I should be more understanding. Plus he is talking more and more about the game when we are together and he is trying to get me to play. (Which I would rather stick a needle in my eye than do, because I hate the game with a passion). I don't think his job or other relationships have been affected yet, but I really do believe it's only a matter of time. When I tell him I think he has an addiction, he says that if he did, he wouldn't be able to keep his job or do anything else.
Needless to say we have spent a lot of time arguing because I feel that I am not important to him, and that I am constantly playing second fiddle to a video game (which by the way, he hates for me to call it a video game-he likes to call it an online social network).
Another problem is that, I think that I am the only one who sees this behavior, because most of his close friends and his family live a few hours away from where we live, or else they play the game with him. So when he does talk to them, they of course believe him and think the these problems are just me trying to tell him what to do, or being clingy.
I think we have kind of hit the limit and that something needs to happen. We have talked about marriage, but I cannot imagine marrying him while he is playing this game. I don't want to leave him because I do love him, and I always thought we would end up together, and plus I think someone needs to help him, and I am the only one who really know/believes that he has a problem. I really don't know what to do, and would be grateful for any advice! :)
My boyfriend has a problem with WoW
August 18, 2008 - 3:24am
#1
My boyfriend has a problem with WoW
Tenngal, First of all I am sorry for you. It must be really difficult for you to watch your boyfriend become so attached to that game. I think you are right about his gaming. Not every excessive gamer looses their job, at least not at first. There are plenty people who are excessive gamers but still hold a job. But the signs that he is (getting) addicted are there. The fact he tells has less time for you and talks more and more about the game, the fact he tells you that you are trying to control him and that he is trying to get you to play it too are clear signs. He is denying his gaming is excessive. WoW is designed to demand increasing playtime at higher levels so be prepared for the fact his gaming might become more excessive the longer he plays it. One of the aspects of the game is indeed a big online social network, which provides a lot of pressure on players, but it is still a game, not a real world. His guild mates need him to keep playing, at high level contest 10 or 25 players are needed to play together and there is great social pressure in this part of the game. So his friends who join him in game will of course tell him to stay. He is only of use to them if he plays his character. The hard part you have to face is he will not easily give it up. He needs to realize he is an excessive gamer and that will not happen in a day. It toke him some months to get addicted and it will take time for him to see what he has become. He expects you to go along with his playing schedule...Don't! Make it clear that if you are with him you want his attention and that you will not share him with a game that takes him away from you. If he refuses and keeps playing while you are there do not make it easy for him, do not take care of him, like making meals, getting drinks..what ever. Do not talk about the game but talk about real life, try to get him to go out with you. If he keeps playing just leave him at home and go do fun things with other people. Do you have any people who can support you? Friends/family to spend time with? This game is putting his life on hold and he will withdraw more and more from real life and the people in it as long as he plays it. What it will take for him to open his eyes and come around....only time can tell. But you have a choice. You don't have to let it influence your life too. It is hard on you, you want to be with him but as long as he chooses to game that will not happen. One thing I would advice you is indeed not to marry him as long as he still plays WoW. Your boyfriend has a serious problem and sadly it effects you very much. But he is the one who needs to stop playing, you can't make him. Only thing you can do it not go along with him in his addiction. Take care and let us know how you are doing.
"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.
Hi Tenngal, If you read the posts from other spouses here you will notice that live with a gamer is a hard one. If you want my advice: drop him. He will play more and more. Now he is already planning you around his WoW time. Thing he will say: 1. you are a control freak - All you want is attention but his mind wants to play WoW, ask him who is the control freak if he is planning dates around his WoW time and not his WoW time around dates with you? 2. I have the right to do things on my own - Yes sure, but not when you have to go so he can play. 3. It is only a game and I don' t play it when with you - In time his mind set will be all WoW. It will be the only thing he can talk about, think about, worry about 4. Play together with me so you see how much fun it is - All he wants is more play time and you are a disturbance because he can't play if you are around but if you join him........... As long as the relation is not serious you can get away, as soon as he is a full part of you life (marriage, living together etc) the way out is harder and more difficult because of the legal matters you have to attend to. If you decide to stay with him be prepared to be moved to the second place after WoW. Be prepared that he may start an in game relation with another digital character (but it is only digital so why are you bothered?), be prepared to not seeing him because he did forget you had a date (or better because he was playing and forget all about time), The game will become "the other woman" but it is hard to fight a digital enemy. I know I have been there and I have watched it all.
Tenngal It is unlikely that your desire to help him will do anything until or unless he decides he needs the help. And right now, he doesn't see it. You also have the right to choose the kind of man you want to have a long term relationship with. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF! You don't have to settle for something you don't want. It is not a matter of controlling him, it is a matter of making the best choice for yourself. And choosing a man or woman who puts pixels ahead of real people, fantasy ahead of reality, doesn't sound like the best choice for anyone. You don't have to point the finger at him and say he is wrong, but that you don't want the lifestyle that he is offering you, just like you might not want to have a relationship with a serious athlete, or a workaholic lawyer, a football fanatic, or an underemployed alcoholic. You can and SHOULD choose someone who meets your needs. Don't lead your life or make your choices around his gaming time. He should be making time for you. You tell him when you are available and see how much effort he makes to connect with you. Don't let the conversations with him go to the game. Change the subject. Tell him you don't want to discuss what he did in his fantasy life. But you cannot fix him or change him. He is the only one who can do that. I have had to give up trying to change my son who is on the path to nowhere because of his video game addiction.Time and consequences are the only thing that will change my son. I am powerless. Love yourself first. You don't have to choose him as your life's partner just because you have been together four years. You can move on and find someone else. He may not be the best person for you.
Janet
Thanks for all ya'll's comments...I appreciate the help.