My long term partner has become aggressive

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My long term partner has become aggressive

I have been living with my partner for 12 years and I have a 14 year old son.A,A Our relationship has nearly come to an end and my son and myself have no financial sercurity, I don't know what we will do. All I know is that I am exhausted with trying to make things work.

He has been addicted to Guildwars an online game for over a year. He plays as soon as he wakes up in he morning before breakfast. He goes on the guildwars message boards throughout the day and plays just before tea after tea and sometimes does not come to bed until the early hours of the morning.
Early this year I begged him not to play so often and not to wake me everynight, so he sometimes sleeps in the spare room.A,A I then gave him a time limit and threatened to cut him off if he played it too long. Unfortunately, I lost my temper and cut him off line and to my horror and infront of my son, my partner attacked me - he punched me twice in the stomach and once in the chest! and then went back on his game!A,A A,A

Shortly, after he confessed to having a problem and promised to limmit of stop altogether. Well, he stopped for the first week and gradually played for longer hours.
All he ever talks about is his friends online and his game and he has become intollerant to real life problems.A,A A,A I have alot to deal with in life as I am a chronic depression sufferer; I have a close sister who has aggressive multiple sclerosis. Only this evening my mother told be that she has been diagnosed with lung disease. When I told my partner he offered no supportA,A A,A and said that she had it coming to her, she's a smoker.. what do you expect!A,A He as never been the most sensitive caring person in the world, but he has never been this cold.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

Kay ???

Solei
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

Dearest Kay, You are way way way way too special and precious to be living with a partner who is abusive. You need to get out of that situation, both for your sake and the sake of your son. I, too, suffer from depression (more specifically, manic depressive disorder) and know how that can worsen any situation. Please know regardless of where you live that there are always safe places to turn to. I am also very saddened to hear about the illness in your family. Please keeping coming here for support. Love, Solei

-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-

shiva
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive
Quote:

I have alot to deal with in life as I am a chronic depression sufferer; I have a close sister who has aggressive multiple sclerosis. Only this evening my mother told be that she has been diagnosed with lung disease. When I told my partner he offered no support and said that she had it coming to her, she's a smoker.. what do you expect! He as never been the most sensitive caring person in the world, but he has never been this cold.

Computer games produce emotional numbness, so yes, he has a lot of responsibility for the current situation. The way he is dealing with you are not to be called caring, sensitive or even human. I know for myself the veil that is setting itself upon my ability to be empathic if I play for too long and he will need to get off the games to become a normal person once again. At the same time, as a son of a woman who had a severe depression for about a decade, and as someone who has suffered from depressive episodes for about 5 years, I would say that the first thing you need to do is get your own life in order: getting out of the deprression and especially getting rid of the "chronic" part seems to be the most important. ItA's no fun being around a depressive person... in cases such as yours, where the partner is addicted, it is usually recommended to take care of yourself FIRST. Make yourself feel good, happy, sane, healthy etc. etc. In your case itA's even doubly important. Love and Light Max

SnowWhite
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

Is there a way to move in with family and help take care of them so you have a roof over your head? You can't stay with someone who's so ugly in your life. That behavior is just ugly and unacceptable. He's obviously into the game more than logic and life... so he needs to just come to grips with reality - and that probably won't happen anytime soon. But as for you and your son, get out sweetie, any way you can! It is NEVER okay to be abused. What your son saw with you getting hit and staying with him is pretty damaging to him and to what is or isn't okay for a woman to tolerate. Move for the sake of your son, and tell him that you're doing it so you guys never have to feel threatened again. I'll be praying for you guys. Big Hugs - SnowWhite

"This is the end...." The Doors

BrokenHearted
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

Kay, First off I have to say that I agree with Solei YOU are too precious to allow yourself to be physically or emotionally abused by anyone in your life. You owe it to yourself and your son to seek professional help if you donaEU(tm)t your son could grow up thinking that it is OK to hit a girl, a woman or heaven forbid his mother. I am sorry that you have been put in such a predicament. Unfortunately what you are experiencing is becoming more common. Though my husband has not hit me he has said things that have blown my mind for example: When our daughter was 7 months old I begged my husband to go with me to see his parents the first weekend in Nov. at that time we lived 6-7 hours away just depending how often I needed to nurse. The Friday night before the trip he said he couldnaEU(tm)t go and had other things to do, though I begged he said he would not go so I didnaEU(tm)t go. His dad died that Sunday unfortunately he didnaEU(tm)t learn from that. For months Robs moms health was failing she only lives 3 hours away from where we live now. At least one weekend a month I would beg him to go see her. For most of our marriage I saw his mom more than he did but I felt he really needed to go, needless to say he would tell his family he was busy. Trust me when I say my blood would boil because there was nothing going on at home he was busy playing his game. His mom was diagnosed with ParkinsonaEU(tm)s Disease and AlzheimeraEU(tm)s when I begged him to drive the 3 hours to see her he said aEUoeNoaEU|sheaEU(tm)s not the mom I knew so thereaEU(tm)s no point in wasting my time or the gas money.aEU I was horrified if he could say that about his own mom who did everything for him what in the world is in store for me. The more he played the more distant and impatient he would get; he would get angry at little things such as my 3 year old spilling milk. Stop lights were to slow and all drivers on the road were idiots. Family time was pretty much gone so my daughter and I had gone on with our lives. If he joined us for dinner fine, if he didnaEU(tm)t it was his loss and he can make a sandwich. He left dirty clothes on the floor and shoes everywhere if I had to pick them up he had to go to the garage and get them and do his own laundry. His justification was I am working a full time job and need to unwind you should be happy I am home and not out drinking. When he came home he went straight to the computer his game playing was over the top, he would sleep in his recliner with the laptop on his stomach he got a few burns (like a sunburn) because the laptop got so hot. We fought but he never got it. I came to this site and started learning from others my first step was to realize it was NOT my fault these were choices he made and he would have to deal with the consequences. Using e-mail as a tool I started sending him copies of stories that sounded like ours, at first he didnaEU(tm)t respond and wouldnaEU(tm)t acknowledge the email but eventually I brought it up. He denied he had a problem so I asked for marriage counseling there he was diagnosed by a professional as a game addict. The light bulb still didnaEU(tm)t go off. This Christmas Eve we had a huge blow out about the game (the only thing we fight about, my daughter was with family). He asked if I wanted a divorce and I said aEUoeYESaEU, I was tired of the fighting, the emotional and physical abandonment and would not allow our daughter to grow up thinking that it was OK for her husband treat her like this. He promised to quit the game if I gave him another chance. These are my conditions:
At any time I could audit any of his computers at home or work.
No Game for 3 months if after 3 months he shows restraintA then he could play once a month however I wanted his character names and passwords and wanted to be able to see how many hours he played, if he crossed the line my daughter and I are leaving. So far so goodaEU|he cooked breakfast for a week, helped pick up around the house and literally opened doors and spent quality time with us. His whole tone of voice and demeanor changed. He is working out of state, my daughter and I will join him at the end of the month soaEU|we will see how that goes. So faraEU|he hasnaEU(tm)t played and has called home every night. While playing he wouldnaEU(tm)t call for two weeks and only called if I called him or sent an email. He has lost my trust and will have to earn it back from both me and my daughter. I have returned to school and have decided to take my power back. If he chooses the game oh wellaEU|it WILL BE HIS LOSS! Granted I am not saying that you have to do anything that I did however [color=Red]I would like you to at least consider going to a place that is safe for you and your son. YOU deserve to live in a place that is safe and free of the anger and violence. Your spouse has crossed the line.[/color]You are the only one who can take your power back; you are the only one who can decide if enough is enough you are the only one who can choose to create a better life for you and your son. There are many shelters and state agencies who will help a single mother. We all need a little help now and then so take the life line until you can get back on your feet YOU and YOUR SON ARE WORTH IT!
Please keep coming back here everyone has so much to offer and will give you the support that no one else can give you. Many of these people live the lives we speak of and many did to their spouses what has been done to us. This is a safe place! Hugs, hugs and more hugs,
Mia

SnowWhite
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

Good news MIA! I am so happy for you sweetie! :) And thanks for sharing your story. You have the power to change lives by telling yours. HUGS - SnowWhite

"This is the end...." The Doors

BrokenHearted
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

Thanks SnowWhite I only wish it was so simple. If I had a magic wand there would be NO gaming at all so that we the Widowed Wives and our families would never have to go through this again! Real world is...we must learn to live One Day at a Time and start valuing who we are. We must put ourselves back on the list and start treating ourselves as important as we treat our children. We have Boo Boos they are just hidden from the world it is up to us to fix them! From a womans prospective: United We Are...
United WE Stand! Let us embrace who we are meant to be! Hugs,
Mia

anonymous (not verified)
Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

Thankyou all so much for your good advice and kind words. I let my partner see this forum and I think it opened his eyes; he said that he really did have a problem and that most of the time he doesn't really enjoy himself when he plays his game. The following morning he deleted his game and characters and he said he would only play occasionally, but he will not play at all for a few weeks. I bought him an archery set for christmas so that he can have a healthy interest and so that he can also take our son along with him to strengthen their bond. I am hoping and praying that our wounds will finally heal and that we can be a happy family once again.

shiva
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

Well, this really sounds good! congratulations :)

BigH501
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Re: My long term partner has become aggressive

[size=14]Certainly sounds like a step in the right direction ! :) [/size]

" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
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Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"

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