New and thankful for finding this site.

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Trinny
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New and thankful for finding this site.

Hello all. :)

First of all I'd like to say, I'm so grateful I've found this forum. I've been lurking for the past couple of days, reading posts, stickies and responses. It's a big comfort in knowing I'm not the only one who feels this way, and some posts made me shed a tear because I could relate to some situations that other people were going through.

I'm a 21 year old female. Just graduated from university and currently unemployed. My days are usually spent looking for jobs and spending time with my family. After university and moving back home my social life has pretty much disappeared.

My current boyfriend of 1year 9months I would say is an excessive gamer. He plays WoW, Xbox 360 games (Beating high score games), iPhone games (Usually score again) and any other PC games I do not know about.
We are currently in a long distance relationship until we make plans to move in together. My problem is, I'm not sure I want to be in this relationship any more.

Now I'll admit, I use to play WoW. I was in a guild, and I've met a couple of people IRL from there and have stayed in contact. My parents use to tease me and say I was addicted, but I wasn't - And I'm not in denial when I say that. I knew that I could stop at any time (which I did). I haven't had the urge to play it at all, nor did I spend excessive hours raiding and forgetting about real life. I also have an iPhone, and I play the odd game while waiting for the bus, etc, and not in other people's company.

Now I believe all hobbies are important, and I believe my boyfriends hobbie of games isn't a bad thing, but the problem is that he's obsessed. He literally does NOTHING else other than game. He doesn't go out, and when he does, it's either to work, or round a friends to have a gaming night.

As we're long distance, we see each other at weekends only. During the week, he'll get up for work and browse/post on a couple of gaming forums. Only after he's done that will he text me. He'll continue to browse/post on these forums throughout the day at work. Sometimes he'll take his laptop to work and play games in his lunch break. He then comes home, and before coming online he'll game for a while and then say hello to me...

Right now I feel like I'm fighting for his love and attention over these games. I feel unattractive, unappreciated, taken for granted and second best.

I thought with being long distance he'd appreciate the time we spend together. But last weekend, on the Saturday morning, rather than getting out of bed, he sat there under the covers, not dressed playing an iPhone game for 2 whole hours, while I waited downstairs trying to find something to do. At dinner, while my parents were preparing the meal, he sat at the table playing iPhone games, which I thought was quite rude. And then the next morning, he sat there in bed again for an hour and a half playing this game, again...

I told him this upset me, but he didn't see it as a problem. He claims he just wants to "be himself". I mean... I love the guy, but I'm starting to become less patient with his gaming use and the long distance. And if that is him being himself, then I'm not entirely sure I'm attracted to him any more.

He'll continue to talk about games in conversations, or things related to games. And no matter how uninterested I seem, he doesn't seem to catch on. If he does notice I don't care, he'll say "oh, sorry..." and get in a mood. Which in turn makes me feel guilty.

I visited him a couple of months back for a week while his parents went on holiday, and after two days, I think we got into an argument, or I was upset about something and I was in tears in his living room. I said I just needed a few minutes to calm down. So he went into his bedroom, quickly text his friend and asked if he was up for a game. He spent four hours in there. Which just upset me further, and not once did he come in to see if I was on. At 3am, I eventually went in and asked if he even cared; his reply was yes...
I think he then felt the guilt and came to bed, but he admitted he wanted to carry on playing.

Things aren't all bad, I admit. We sometimes do go out, but it's usually on his terms, when he's not gaming. While we're long distance, he talks to me, on his terms. When he's busy playing or talking to other people his responses to me are delayed usually 30mins-2 hours.

I'm not coping very well with this. I feel if I were to talk to him, like I have tried to in the past, he'll just get annoyed/angry and claim he just wants to "be himself". Which makes me believe I'm not accepting, understanding and that I have the problem.

Unfortunately right now I can't afford therapy for this right now. I have a couple of friends who would bend over backwards for me, who's friendship I value like no other. I've been relying on them for support, but I don't want to be coming to them constantly and dragging them down.
I've been reading a couple of self-help books also to try and raise my confidence, make me a better person and basically give me something to do.

I sometimes believe if I were a strong, confident person I'd be able to cope with his excessive gaming. Or that I'd be able to be happy with myself and my life.
I long for the day I can love someone who doesn't make me feel so anxious, so hurt and unappreciated sometimes. I just wish he'd remember he has a girlfriend who loves him and wants to spend time with him. But I feel the more space I give him, the more he takes.

I wish he understood how much this hurt, how I've cried just writing this and how his gaming 'hobbie' affects me so negatively. I wish I could let go of this, I really do. I'm so tired of feeling anxious and yet pinning after him, but I'm scared to break away, to feel like I'm the bad person, and shamefully, to be alone.

Thank you to anyone who has read this. I'm not sure if any advice can be given, but I'm just thankful I was able to get that off my chest. I hope I'll be able to fit in here, because as I said at the start, I'm so grateful I've found this community...

dark (not verified)
Dear Trinny, Thanks for your

Dear Trinny,

Thanks for your honest share and I hope getting this off your chest helped you. I think you have analyzed the situation correctly.

My only thoughts (based on my own experience and having read a lot of similar posts here) are:
- if he is only an obsessed gamer then he cares more about the games that he does about you and you deserve better
- if he is truly addicted (like I was) then any relationship with him is going to involve a huge amount of work, heartbreak and uncertainty - with no guarantee that he will quit

I think it is great you are working out your feelings in this way.

- dark

the_real_me
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Welcome Trinny! Since you

Welcome Trinny!

Since you are dating long distance, you do have the chance to escape from this relationship.

As you can see from reading other threads, even a married spouse...cannot make his/her spouse quit gaming...unless the person himself/herself is ready.

I am not saying your bf isn't worth fighting for. When you mention his gaming obsession...what does he say? That should pretty much give you a hint.

You have so much of a future ahead of you. On the other hand, your bf seems unmotivated.

Feel empowered for yourself...and do the right thing...for YOU.

The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09

gsingjane
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Trinny wrote: I sometimes

[quote=Trinny]

I sometimes believe if I were a strong, confident person I'd be able to cope with his excessive gaming. Or that I'd be able to be happy with myself and my life.

Sweetie...the above quote really scares me, I must say. Talk about blaming yourself! This man is ignoring you and your feelings, he's being unforgivably RUDE to you and your family, he's putting his job in jeopardy, he obviously cares about you significantly less than he cares about his blessed iPhone for God's sake... and you think that if you were stronger and better none of this would matter? If you were stronger and more confident you would refuse to be treated like this, okay?

If it were me I'd take a long, hard look at why *I* thought I *deserved* to be treated like this. I don't know anything about your personal situation, but certainly it seems like you must feel like this is the best you can do, and if you do, then I repeat, why? You may "love" your bf, but it's fairly clear that your're down pretty far in his love hierarchy.

I know you've been reading here, so do yourself a favor and look at some of the threads from women who married men who became addicted gamers. Read about the abuse, the neglect, the guilt, the horrible impacts on the children, the loneliness, the rage. If that doesn't help you make your mind up, nothing will.

Sorry to sound so forceful but yikes!

Jane in CT

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