My story will be a long one, even though I'm still simplifying it, so please be patient. There's a lot to it.
My husband and I have been married 2 weeks shy of a year. My relationship with him was my first and I am STILL learning things, but overall I've had the best time of my life with him. We instantly clicked when we first met almost 4 years ago, and in my opinion, had a lot in common such as our love for anime, drawing, and video games (not MMORPG's). We tended to get along great, even though there were problems here and there, who doesn't have problems in a relationship? I love him with all my heart and imagined our future together, something I've never done with anyone else. I am now 22.
I'll admit I've made my mistakes. Being a gamer and somewhat of a tomboy, I have mostly other guys as my friends, and one in particular bothered my husband and I guess I was oblivious to it, but it was never anything more than a friendship. Upon finding out about his worries about this guy, I told him I could just cut down my correspondance with him and ease off on the friendship if that's what he wanted me to do. He told me I didn't have to do that.
That's a bit of my history.
The weirdness started about 2 months ago, when my husband started this new game called "Mabinogi: Fantasy Life". I had never been a fan of MMORPG's. I tried Warcraft, I tried Guild Wars, and each lasted maybe a week at best. None of them did anything for me and with those games, you have absolutely nothing to show for it except maybe your Level 70 Rogue and your superawesome Guild, which means absolutely nothing in the real world.
I didn't think much of the game at first. He didn't spend excessive time with it, though I usually worked when I came home and found him playing it, so I didn't really know how long he was playing it. At first we joked around about this game and laughed about certain aspects of it. I started getting annoyed with it when I sat at the dinner table and waited for him, and he couldn't be torn away from it. He told me he wanted me to take a leave of absence from my job because he would be going back to work soon and he wanted to spend time with me. He works on and off, and normally it's 50+ hours a week, sometimes it goes up to 7 days a week. I did, only to find that when I made plans to do something for the weekend, he "didn't feel like it" and ultimately ended up spending more time with this game. He quickly made all kinds of online friends. He told me he was happy and these were the kinds of friends he's always wanted (which were friends he really didn't know in real life?). I asked him what he talked about with these friends, to which he always responded "We mainly just talk about the game." We only had one laptop, and he asked me if I would want to play with him when we had money for another computer. I was honest with him, I told him that MMORPG's weren't my thing and I had too much to do to devote my life to a computer game. I know this disappointed him, but I wasn't about to be sucked into it too.
I got curious and asked him if anyone actually knew him outside of his character, if people knew he was a married man, etc. He told me only his one friend knew, who was a male himself. All the rest were females, coincidentally. I did get a bit fumed over this, but tried to ignore it. Not too much later, he told me he "liked" someone on the game. I didn't really know how to respond to that. Finally, I found out he had told everyone... if I could believe that.
About three weeks ago, he broke the news to me. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, basically that our whole marriage was a mistake, hearts can change, he can't give me a second chance, and he thought we should separate and spend some time apart. I cried for two weeks, during which, most of the time he would be sitting there in his own little world playing this game as if nothing was going on. What happened to the loving, caring man I'd married?
I got so aggravated the one day, that I logged onto my own account that he had helped me create and found the username of one of the girls he talked to in excess. I didn't come out and tell her who I was, but I told her she was probably helping contribute to the breakup of a marriage. Despite her ****ization of the English written language (wut r u up 2? lol), I'm told she's smart, so she'd figure out who I was. SURE ENOUGH, a week later, he started getting text messages from this girl, she is 19 and he is 23. He denied liking her as anything more than a friend. I started wondering, is this him getting back at me? Soon enough came phonecalls, him walking out of the apartment not telling me where he was going, all for this girl who he may or may not know very well for a little over a month who lives states away, because he liked talking to her. He's known me for about 4 years now! How could he possibly fall so easily for someone who projects themself over the internet?! Even more of a mystery, what 19 year old girl would be content knowing they're helping to break up a marriage? I could never LIVE with that kind of guilt! What kind of lies must he be telling her? I received a text message the other night saying "She has my heart now" even though 2 days prior he had told me they were just friends.
Since I've moved out a few days ago, I've started seriously working on myself. I was told I need to be independent and start doing things for myself. I'm trying not to think about this, trying not to think about the child he's corresponding with over the internet, and just be happy for myself, but no one can imagine the pain I've been feeling... unless others too have gone through something similar. I haven't even been married a year and already I have to think about ... divorce?! I am so scared. If there's anything I could do to be with the man I love with all my heart again, I'd do anything for that chance.
Please help.
"The night is darkest just before the dawn."
That is heart breaking, but it is becoming very common. Have you asked your husband what his intentions are? Does he intend to choose you, his wonderful wife, or the girl he doesn't even really know? He must choose you, abandon this ridiculous fantasy, otherwise, he must release you from this terrible pain he is causing you so you can get on with life without him. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but he seems lost and captivated by this virtual girlfriend of his, and you may not be able to hold him, even though you sound like a lovely woman and a good wife and companion to him. My heart goes out to you, and I pray he wises up soon. Best wishes, Brad
The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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Autumn, many people get drawn into the virtual world...and the real world gets more and more fuzzy as they escape deeper into the game. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am not sure what the future holds for you...but take care of yourself....a a priority. As for your hubby, he needs to grow up and be more of a husband. Hopefully it isn't too late.
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
Autumn, I am so very sorry for you. This is heartbreaking. It does happen indeed, some gamers choose a virtual life and a so called new love they find there. The sad thing is there is not much you can do now. He has already told you he feels your marriage was a mistake. If it is the addiction he has fallen into makes him believe this or if it is real only time can tell. The point is what will you do now? You are to young to wait for him to come around and stop gaming. He might keep playing this for years, have contacts with other girls and live out his fantasies while he keeps you waiting for him. No one knows when he will bottom out and realize he has become addicted. You mentioned he started this game 2 months ago and already he has torn your marriage apart and hurt you deeply. I know you don't want to hear this but you need to choose for yourself, he is beyond your help now, you need to let him go, he has made his choice. This addiction has the potential to ruin his life but it does not have to ruin yours too, not more then it already has done. The best thing for you would be to get away from him and build a life for yourself. You deserve a good man, one who cares for you, has time to be with you and he no longer is that man and will not be it as long as he keeps playing this game. We can offer you support in this difficult time, we can listen to you. You are not alone, there are people here who understand you. Let us know how you are doing. Take care
"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.
Autumn, Hello and welcome to our site. Please take some time to look around and the wonderful post written by spouses and significant others who've been in your exact shoes. As a former gamer, I can tell you how incredibly real online loves/lusts can feel. Remember that he is now putting all of his time & energy into an alternate reality, and instead of maintaining any apsect of his real life he's found companionship in his new world. Falling in love through an MMORPG differs slightly from finding love interests on e-harmony or Yahoo! personals. People who visit personal ads do so with the intent of finding a significant other. But when you spend as much as 6 hours a day in your virtual world and begin to interact with the other "pixils," things can become and seem very, very real. Many adult women & men forget their responsibilities when they become addicted to gaming. This can include neglecting the housework, slacking off at work, and not putting 100% into their relationship. Real relationships take work. Relationships born in MMORPGland don't. When you're "love" is hidden inside a MMO server and the only "connection" you have is your "dedication" to your race/class/guild/quests there is seriously 0 work required. There are no dirty dishes in video games. The "chores," like grinding and questing seem to reap better rewards than vacuuming or dusting. Chatting with your MMOlove interest via Ventrilo or Instant Message is much easier than getting up, showered, dressed, make-up'd for real relationships. Often, when two people who have "fallen in love" via MMORPGs meet ~ disappointment arises. Often for the woman, her "hero" does not match up to the FANTASY she'd imagined for herself. And for the gentlemen, sometimes sultry, whispery voice he'd listened to over ventrilo (talking about the game of course) had very little subtstance beyond game stragegy. His "damsel in distress" can appear to be a very capable person in the real world. Just my 2 cents on the relationship thing. I speak from much experience. Please take care of yourself. I want very much to say that he will turn his life around and offer you the hope you should hear. Sadly, I have witnessed several relationships fall victim to MMORPG troubles. I will hope & pray very much that this is not the case for you. You're both very young and if it's meant to be, can remedy this. Suggest counseling. Suggest long talks. Suggest he visit and register on this site. My husband had to "let me go." After our "break" ~ When I came back to his forgiving arms, I knew that there's absolutley positively nothing as good as a real relationship. Virtual hugs don't keep you warm at night, epic loot presents don't match up to candid conversation about real issues, and exaggerated pixils are no match for my husband's soft eyes. You're in my prayers & thoughts, Love, Solei
-6 Years Free of Online Gaming-
"There are no dirty dishes in video games." That's a great line Solei; it says so much!
The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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Awesome line! It really is a metaphor for why people play....the escapism from hum drum life responsibilities.
The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09
Brad, Honestly, at this point, I'm not sure what his intentions are. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful mother who's been though SO much in her life and still remains married. She believes he may be playing mind games with me, seeing if I will change; I'm not so sure. If change is what will bring him back to me, I would work my hardest to do it, not only for him, but for me. I know I have my faults, I've realized that, and I would like to work on them. Life alone in an apartment with a virtual girlfriend has GOT to be pretty lonely. I only hope he'll see that this isn't all worth it. What if this all ends and the girl never lives up to his expectations, as apparently I haven't either? I suppose he'll dump her for another online girl! When he texted me the other day, he said he doesn't want to be married until he's 30. I think... it's a little too late for that. He's always said I'm childish and immature, but nothing I've ever done could hold a candle to what he's doing. Thank you so much for your support! I truly appreciate your imput and your prayers.
"The night is darkest just before the dawn."
Autumn, There is one thing all addicts will do and that is put the blame for their gaming at their loved ones or spouses. They will tell them it is their behavior or nagging that drives them to game excessive. An addict will also make up any excuse or reason they can find to justify their behavior. Do not buy this, it is just an excuse to game and get you of his back. So in a way he is playing mind games with you. You are not responsible for his excessive gaming and even if their are things you need to work on for whatever reason it will be no guarantee he will return to you.
"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.
Solei, Thank you so much! What you've said really hits home, especially on the topic of online relationships. Oddly enough, I met my husband through Livejournal when he moved here a little over 4 years ago when surprisingly, I wasn't looking for a significant other. It would seem he thinks that's his only way of meeting people, which really isn't the case! There are so many places we could go to meet real people, and he does have a handful of real friends here. You're completely right when you say virtual hugs don't keep you warm at night. I am only trying to figure out why he would give up me, a real live person and wife who cares very much about him, for a younger girl who likely knows hardly anything about him or his family, or me, for that matter. I'm a little worried he might be laying the charm on this girl. I have been called selfish. I don't want to take away something he enjoys doing and something that makes him happy, because in the end, he will resent me for that. I only hope it's not too late also. His intentions when starting this game were to make friends, he told me, not just to play out a character and go on quests. I honestly would like to try counseling at this point. I don't want to give up; I still love him so much. I don't think he's as enthusiastic about trying this. He claims it's too late and his feelings for me aren't going to change... but I feel like his feelings could change if he'd let them. If things seem like they may look up, I will definitely consider counseling. If nothing else, I'll send him the link to this site. I'm only glad at this point that he's not the kind of person to leave me and and dry and not able to pay my bills. He's still supporting me as we are still married, of course, but I know if I want to gain my independence and show him that I can take care of myself, I need to find a job and start supporting myself. The thing with this whole relationship already is... it's already begun outside the game. They are hours and hours and states apart, of course, but there's phonecalls and texts and even the exchanging of each other's pictures! That upset me a lot. I hope this can all be resolved one day, the road's going to be tough but hopefully there is light up ahead. Again, thank you so much for your help, support, and prayers. I'll definitely be visiting this site regularly.
"The night is darkest just before the dawn."
Maschinca, Thank you so much for understanding. I've been told by numerous people that I can't spend time waiting around for him, even by my husband himself. I know I have to get on with life, as difficult as it may be right now. What frightens me is how quickly all this is happening, though I've also been told that it's better to get out now rather than years down the road when there could be a child involved in all of this as well. Being young and naive, I have made my mistakes also. We have some communication problems, and now that I want to work on them, I'm only told "It's too late." I honestly think he's not giving me enough of a chance; I've seen situations where couples go through years and years of problems before throwing in the towel... not 11 months! But as you said, working on my problems is still no guarantee he would come back to me. For the time being, I will take yours and everyone else's advice and go on to bettering myself and taking care of myself. As much as it'll hurt, I'll have to let go and let him do what he needs or wants to do, whether it's the right or wrong thing. I appreciate your concern and support, I'll be staying in contact with everyone here for a while!
"The night is darkest just before the dawn."
(((hugs))) you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers i hope u find peace. education and support are here pls stay in touch. ((Dawn)))
Take the first step in faith. You donaEU(tm)t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
~Bob Newhart
The minute you alter your perception of yourself and your future, both you and your future begin to change. ~Marilee Zdenek
If I could for a moment mention that you should not relent in any way and have a child with this man. Perhaps that might not happen, but a sudden rekindeling of your relationship might result in a gift of love that would be brought about before the hidden and underlying issues have been addressed. Many people see marraige as the wedding, but not the hard compromise that a relationship within the bonds of matrimony demand. Marraige is a work of art, and to some a science, but it does sound like your gamer hubby has not found his "bottom" yet and will not be the man you married until he does. Woe that day, if it comes too late for him and you have moved on, divorce and found a better man than he. You'll be in my heart and prayers.
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
John, I was brought up to get married first, then live together. My husband wanted us to live together first, and unfortunately for him, this didn't happen because I stood by what I believed. He still agreed to marry me. It's come to my understanding that "people are different when you live with them" and perhaps I wasn't what he'd expected, though I have provided him with meals every night, attention, and whatever else he could ask for. I know I'm young, but I do agree that marriages have to be worked at, they don't just happen overnight after the wedding day. I have made mistakes, I've hurt his feelings accidentally, but never intentionally. We have our problems like any other married couple, I'm sure. I'm just not understanding why he's giving up so easily other than his excuse of not being in love with me anymore. Thank you so much, I hope I'll know to do what's right.
"The night is darkest just before the dawn."
*hugs* Thank you so much, I will definitely keep in touch. All my appreciation for your support!
"The night is darkest just before the dawn."
I can only hope it's not too late as well. Thank you so much for your support.
"The night is darkest just before the dawn."
As the veteran widow on OLGA, I can say he's both feet out the door. Emotionally, if he's throwing you away and telling you to move on, he's obviously set on being with fantasy than a reality. Reality love requires REAL work. Fantasy requires a messaging program, boredom and imagination. Terrible, I know, but that's how it is. I used to beat myself up all the time over it. Now, not so much. I've got a great counselor and I've made huge jumps in my life and with my self esteem. That will be critical to your success. Finding who YOU are and defining YOURSELF. You are not his mother, you were his wife... you were supposed to be the one he forsaken all others for, and apparently, he brain farted.... I just think that you're too young to try to carry this all... If I were you, I'd let it go. Find a great job and become some famous person, then rub it in really good... *sorry* But honestly. We all have our baggage... I think it's time that you let go of yours and feel some freedom. It hurts at first, but flying for the first time always does. HUGS - Hang in there PS - if he's both feet out the door, slam it shut on his stupid self and hope it hits him on the way out!
"This is the end...." The Doors
Autumn, We all make mistakes, we are human. Do not punish yourself for this by taking the blame. It will keep you from moving on. It is pretty hard to be left alone after such a short marriage, I feel very sorry for you. This addiction turns grown ups into acting like children, irresponsible and selfish. He is not giving you a change indeed and that is cruel but he is addicted and out of touch with reality. He is not playing fair but he feels only this game and the people in it matter now. You can't fight that, he will not accept that from you now. These years of your life should be filled with happiness and joy and not this devastating addiction. If you feel you should change then do so but never do it cause he tells you to. Do not forget how an addict will make his spouse feel bad and demand they change while the problem is one they themselves won't face. Maybe you don't need to change at all. The only thing important now is that you get your life in order and build one for yourself. You need time to grieve over the loss of your marriage and rebuild your life. You seem like a caring and smart young woman to me and I wish you all the best in the times ahead of you. Keep us posted and take good care of yourself.
"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.
Hi Autumn, your story is heartbreaking. I am sorry you have to go through this pain of loosing your husband in many ways, due to an online game. There have been great shares in the posts above and my wish is that you really take care of yourself and treat yourself as loving and gentle as you can. Please don't blame yourself for any of this. You haven't done anything wrong!!! And it is impossible to understand, as you wrote above, but if he's addicted to a fantasy of online gaming and relationship/s; then he is not the man you know and that's why you can't understand it. He can't even understand it. The evil grip of addiction really makes you loose your real Self and the so called "real life" becomes very uninteresting; people, places, family...the wife.. you name it. And it has nothing to do with you. And it is not your job to rescue him. You are looking for the right thing to do and you're asking yourself some really hard questions. You are even willing to change YOUrself so he will love you again. It shows how much you love him but at the same time you're hurting yourself even more, and you deserve better. So be gentle and loving to YOU. Take care of yourself and use all the support you can get, you are in the right place. Work on you, and not on him. Then things will become more clear. We're here to support you. Love Anne
****. This is what video games do...they twist your mind and the way you perceive reality. Throughout my game playing, I've seen this happen at least three times where people get split up over some fantasy dream girl/boy and each time somebody always gets hurt. My heart goes out to you and for him to send text messages like that...video games have turned your husband into a ****.
Don't blame yourself, he's messed up at the moment, I'm not kidding, at this time he really isn't the man you liked, I know because I used to be like that not even a year ago He's not dealing with the real world anymore, it's not your fault at all, you just didn't have all the facts on him You can either try to fix him, although I'm not sure how you'd do that; I would tell him that he has become disconnected from reality and that the game and that person he's chatting with are an illusion, that you are with him now, but that girl is likely flirting with a lot of other guys and that he is being naive, getting wrapped up in a fantasy world; if he throws a fit you just leave, no point staying around for the arguing Or you can divorce him and basically cut your losses; I know it's a very tough situation and that you're not a man, but if it was up to me I'd divorce him in a second, it would wake him up when he's all alone, trust me and you would be better off, with someone with more power of will no disrespect intended towards your mom, but most men are too naive to play mind games, often what they say and do doesn't have a hidden meaning
If you play video games, turn them off once in a while and rejoin life. Some of us here like you, don't ask me why.