My husband and I have been married 6 years, and we have two young sons together. I am 27, he is 30. When we first met he mentioned that he used to be a gamer. I really did not have a clue what that meant. I had never met a gamer. Up until that point I had dated guys that were more into music, tattoos, sports... He had quit gaming prior to meeting me because his fiancee had met someone in EQ and left him for this other person. About six months after we were married, he started his WoW account back up. It caused quite a bit of friction, but we were still in that "honeymoon" phase and I wanted to keep him happy. So, in thinking "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" I tried to play too. I got bored with it after about a month and the friction started up again. A year and a half after we were married, I gave birth to our first son. My husband did nothing to help out with the baby and I was so busy being a mom that I kind of let the gaming problem fall to the wayside. Eventually, he got bored again with WoW and quit. In the meantime he played other games; Starcraft, Diablo, even some console games like Mass Effect and Halo; but nothing that could suck you in as much as an MMO.
That all changed this past November. He did beta testing for Star Wars the Old Republic and ever since then it's been a non-stop presence in our house. Also this past November, I gave birth to our second son, so once again I am preoccupied with mom duties. However, this time I am not willing to just ignore the problem. He is way more involved in this game than any other he has ever played before. He wakes up about an hour and a half before work and is on the computer until he leaves. He gets home, he's on it until he goes to bed. The weekends are designated for raiding and missions. Most weekends I go with the boys to visit my mom because I just can't stand being in the house with him when all he's doing is gaming. He barely gets up to eat or go to the bathroom! There are times when I'll be gone for upwards of 12 hours and when I get home he whines that he's hungry and hasn't eaten. He's thinking about buying a laptop so he can play at work. Whenever I try to broach the subject, he gets really defensive and angry and tries to turn the problem around on me. Having grown up with an addict (my sister, who is 10 years my senior is an alcoholic and prescription drug addict) I can identify those signs of addiction. It's all he thinks about. It's all he does. On weekends he will be on from noon until 4am! He makes no time for the kids or me. And what makes it worse is that he plays with several real life friends and relatives, so he feels an even bigger sense of obligation than if it were just a bunch of strangers. He's trying to climb ranks in his guild, which is taking up even more time.
I am just at my wits end. I don't want to just throw our marriage away, but it kills me to see our sons have an absentee father who's in the same room! We have had several HUGE fights in the past few weeks about it and nothing I say or do seems to get him to realize that it's a problem. He has told me flat out that if I ask him to quit playing all together, that we're done. It broke my heart to be picked last over a game!
I need all the support I can get, especially if he can't realize there's a problem and is unwilling to help himself.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
That's heartbreaking. But addicts will do that to get you off their back. I said that to my husband and meant every word of it. But it was the addiction talking, I don't feel that way now.
Try to get to some Nar-anon face to face meetings, or CODA (co-dependent meetings) to learn how to deal with this.
http://coda.org/
http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html
You shouldn't have to do this alone. And you don't need to.
Don't forget, you didn't Cause this, you can't Control it nor can you Cure it. But you need to take care of yourself and your babies and do whatever you need to do to to make the three of you healthy and happy. If that means ignoring him, sobeit.
He's the one missing out.
But, don't tailor your life to fit him. Learn to live without him (even being in the same house, still being married, you can make a great life for yourself). It's hard, but very doable. But you need to learn not to expect him to be addiction-free until he's suffering from his own consequences.
All of us addicts had to.
Thank you!
That's also the conclusion I have come to in all of this. Maybe the less I try to include him in things, the less I'll be disappointed and just maybe then he'll start realizing that he's missing something.
I love him dearly. Before this took over him, he was a great husband and father. He's still a great person. It's the same way with my sister. They're wonderful people when not in the grips of their addiction. I know that that terrific person is still in there somewhere, and that is the hope I cling to that keeps me going.
Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
maybe you can go on vacation to your moms without him and maybe he'll notice after a few days of fasting... semi-humor there. I know how much SWTOR can draw you in. That was my latest game which I quit only last week. Its sad to keep hearing this side of the fence, but I want to know what my wife has been feeling and we havent had time for open discussions yet. So thank you for your perspective. I'll pray for you that somehow your husband returns to being your husband asap.
OLGA Home Page: "We advocate and provide a 12-Step Program of recovery. For those who are interested in a formalized meeting approach, we provide both a traditional 12-step program and a modified program for atheists and agnostics." I advocate and use the 12 steps programs, which have helped tens of millions of addicts of all kinds recover.
Whether your husband quits gaming or not - please find an Anon program for yourself. I did an intervention for my Dad years ago. He didn't quit drinking so I went to Al-Anon. My dad never quit drinking but I found a life better than my wildest dreams.
I needed so much help and support I didn't even know I needed. I got to see the same miracle happen over and over again in Al-Anon (the biggest Anon program). You can also check out Nar-Anon since you are dealing with addiction so it might relate more directly.
Whatever you do, keep reaching out for help. Live and Let Live - but make sure you do the Live part. You don't have to do this alone. Keep coming back - it works.
Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
to be honest i just quit SWTOR yesterday after being on it since prelaunch so say 2 months in total? before that i was a STO (Star Trek Online) addict since just after it came out in april 2010. before that i had never played an mmo. my opinion is that he will never quit until HE wants to quit. in STO i quickly became hardcore because it was my first mmo and i got sucked into the grinding, the credits, the raids, the guild, the friends, etc. it was so much different than the usual video games most people are used to where it just you vs a computer. you got to play with other people! and talk to them too, do cool stuff together, earn cool things, etc. by december of 2011 i had 25! characters and a ton of credits. (120 million) then SWTOR came and it was even better. more stuff to do, more players, more cool things, etc.
but then, i suddenly realized a few days ago, that it was such a waste of time. i think it was a combination of the fact that when SWTOR came out and a lot of my friends from STO moved over there with me i thought about all the stuff i had earned on STO and how it was pretty much worthless now. the game had gone free-to-play and everything so i couldnt even really sell my account for anything. i thought about all the time i put into it from april 2010-dec 2011. sometimes FULL days from early in the morning till 3am. and then i thought about the grind in SWTOR where i would have to spend so much more time to gain levels, earn stuff, etc. and i just thought to myself. no way theres no way i can do this.
gaming brought me enjoyment, a place to escape and sometimes HIDE from my real life. a fake form of socialness with friends whose faces you have never seen and who you will never hear from again after leaving. but it also brought me stress. mainly time stress never feeling like there was enough time in one day. how could there be when im gaming all evening and weekend!? and family stress. my parents were always harping on me about it which DID NOT help. trust me. it makes gamers want to escape MORE not return to reality. it costs money, and i also missed out on some events in RL that i wish i had gone to. another helpful thing when thinking about how much of a waste of time it was was that i read two articles about gaming and the psychological addictiveness of it and it helped push me over the edge to convince me to quit completely yesterday.
http://www.cracked.com/article_18461_5-creepy-ways-video-games-are-trying-to-get-you-addicted.html
http://kotaku.com/5384643/i-kept-playing--the-costs-of-my-gaming-addiction
I deleted all of my stuff in game or gave it away. stripped all my characters etc gave away all my credits. then quit my guilds. and deleted my characters. cancelled my accounts. uninstalled my voice chat software. i will not be going back because there is nothing to go back to. everything i had built up is gone and the idea of re-grinding everything to earn it all back is completely unappealing. i hope that your husband can discover the same thing but it does take time and depends all on him. the incentive to focus on the real world must be stronger than the compulsion to enter the virtual world.
i hope the articles help you both understand
http://i580.photobucket.com/albums/ss248/narko25/mmorpg-addiction.jpg
Thank you for this link:
http://kotaku.com/5384643/i-kept-playing--the-costs-of-my-gaming-addiction
Quite informative and a beautiful description of falling into "addiction" and what can happen to a person who becomes completely addicted to gaming.
I spent 8 years hiding out in video games; and now I have 8 months out of games. The withdrawals were hideous, and I didn't expect withdrawals. Those withdrawals were every bit as bad as quitting alcohol and cigarettes.
But I'm glad I had withdrawals. When a gaming thought pops into my mind, all I have to do is remember the withdrawals to remind myself that excessive gaming messed up my brain.
Go out and really enjoy life with your kids. If you don't have money, there is probably a park or a friend's house where you can enjoy life away from your husband's addictive behavior. Invite your husband, even if you know he won't come. Bring a camera and make a scrap book of the good times. There is no down side for you. Life will always give you lemons, you are just making lemonade. Spend a minute or two showing him the best picture or two when you get home and he may be able to come to the right conculsion on his own. You don't have to get upset or whine or demand. Just repeatedly offer the good life (and by "good life" I specifically do not mean sex - he may have to go game-free for 3-7 days to get that). After a while, it will be clear to you whether your husband is capable of overcoming his addiction and what you have to do next. In the mean time, you are taking care of yourself and your children.
I don't know. I'm usually the addict in this scenario.
I hope you find the help you need here, but I want to thank you for posting. I seem to often need a reminder of why I don't game, because whenever I'm away from games long enough, it doesn't seem like it could possibly be so bad to play just one, little happy game, like other people can play without it becoming a problem. Thanks for the reminder!
I took a walk and now I'm back to work, not to game. That's the best I can do today.
Good luck!
I love this! this is great for us ex-excessive gamers too!
Hiya, i am in the same situation with my current boyfriend I read your article and my partner is exactly the same. I am having a baby in June, and He has no idea what planning is needed at all he just sits and games, he nearly lost his job because of his excessive gaming, he gets like it with every game. but this one is by far the worst, he doesnt actually make time for me at all, he only went to the 20 week scan because he had no choice in the matter as his sister got on his case, he spends all his money on having to get the latest gaming stuff, i love him so much but i am in the same situation as you, and i don;t know what to do, i try to get him to cut down but he wont, its like his online friends are more important then me and his unborn child. when i say to him come off he says he cant let the team down and gets really angry, he says i don't understand how important it is and i say to him well what about me and the baby, we have got nothing for the baby at all, and his sister is constantly on at me about things as she thinks i should just get on with it, but its very difficult. i want to chuck his computer out the window!! he is acting like he doesnt care about me or anything around him. i worry when im at work, whether hes eating or not he just can't be bothered, he hasnt had a shower for ages because he would rather sit on his game and said about these daily challenges i really dont know what to do :( im sorry you are going through this x x
Hi BitterGal,
Keep coming back and getting support for yourself. Your post is agonizing to read, you deserve better from life. The great thing is that you can get better for yourself (and for your kids) if you keep reaching out for help. Your addict can also get better but only when he is willing to reach out for help. There's not much the family can do to help him in the meantime. Stopping any enabling behavior can speed up the time when he starts to see the consequences of his actions. His recovery depends on him.
Remember the 3 C's - you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Also remember that you can find contentment and even happiness whether the addict gets better or not. It will take support for people here, from face-2-face meetings (Nar-Anon or Al-Anon), and working the steps with a sponsor, but you can find a life of happiness and joy beyond your wildest dreams. Don't let yourself get stuck in his disease.
Keep coming back - it works.
Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
Get to a Nar-Anon meeting and learn how to deal with the addiction. You will get lots of support there, face to face. Stay with us, too, and we'll help you, too.
http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html
That's extremely sad: His girlfriend, you, loves him, and he has a baby coming, yet what's important to him are his online, fake, game buddies who could care less about him; if he ever quit the game, they'd find a replacement asap.
He sounds extremely addicted and has no idea what reality is anymore.
Her attitude sux and don't listen to her. YOu need really good support, us and Nar-Anon.
I'm sorry, Krisi, but he really doesn't care about anything but his gaming; he's addicted.
Don't worry about what he is doing; I'm glad you are working, you need to take care of yourself and your baby because he won't do it, and it doesn't sound like his family will either.
He's the father of your baby and he's acting like another child. That's what addiction does to us. I'm sorry you are going through this, I really am. I am totally sorry I put my husband through this, and that I lost 8 solid years of happy life for a stupid game. I don't blame the game, I blame the addiction.
I wish we could help you help him, but we can't. We can only help you. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it or Cure it. But you are worth everything, get the help you need, you deserve it.
Krisi. I was addicted, but did not make it that bad as your boyfriend. In your case I would give him an ultimatum. As you are not married on of the two of you own the place, or the rental contract. In case its you I would give him an ultimatum, as he must stop, as he is horrible addicted and cannot father your child the way he lives now. And being addicted for gaming has the same affect as being addicted by booze...so you wont want you child with him alone, if he is like this. In case he owns the place, find a way out and then give ultimatum. In your case you must choose, your child needs a father too ( I am a father myself) and he wont be a good one is his fake world.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Hiya EVE_OFFFline,
I sent him a text recently and told him i was really unhappy with his gaming, said that when we were living in our old place, he would still make time for me. but since we have moved he hasnt actually done anything with me. finally told him that I am sick of being second best to his game. said that its hurting that he is more interested in this star wars game then spending any time with me at all. i also made a point of saying that he is not being intimate with me anymore, when he eventually comes to bed im near enough asleep so he is waking me up by turning the light on ect so dont even get half an hour with him for pillow talk. i said he promised he would cut down after our last fight but he is showing no signs of cutting down so what was i getting out of this relationship. said that i wished he would realise what he has infront of him instead of being engrossed in an online game.
He responded by saying "omg krystal i will cut down i promise i just am playing alot at the mo because the game is just out and want to get ahead of everyone, may sound pathetic to you but thats the reason"
HANG ON A MINUTE!! wanting to "get ahead of everyone" is showing you are addicted surely?
Told him that that is not a good enough reason, because when he gets ahead of "everyone" there will always be someone better then him, please tell me that i am not being irrational here, said there will always be other games and there will always be something you will need to do, he was talking about rank 60 what is this.. when he plays and gets to the "highest level" he just creates another account and starts again. he has got this ventrillo thing on his desktop now so he can have 30 way call with this guild! in response to what Patra said i told him that if he left the guild they wouldnt care, as hes just a statistic, and they will replace him very quickly he got cross with me when i said that and got defensive because he is a founder of it and he is now paying for it to keep it going!?!!
not only that but he has stopped speaking to his real friends, he didnt have many friends anyway but what friends he did have, he has stopped speaking to them, think he only speaks to a couple of them.
He said he wouldnt game forever and as long as i stay faithful to him and am honest, "we have all the time in world" that attitude frustrated me because he is assuming that i will wait around for him, because i love him, but would he wait for me?! he mentioned that he doesnt cheat on me doesnt go out, just sits at his computer.
I told him that i wasnt going to bring his meals to him anymore, wasnt going to make his coffee when he comes in and i am here, and i have stopped going into the study when i come in from work. he wasnt happy and hated that i didnt go in to the study so i suppose at least he noticed that?
also I live with his sister in her house, so i am kind of stuck here until baby comes, my family dont live near here, and i couldnt go back home because of my job.
Patra i looked at that website you linked here and its in Chessire so nowhere near me. but i have joined the skype team, so hopefully i will be able to join a couple of the calls. any help would be lovely just so i know that i am not alone and hearing peoples stories i feel sorry for them :( but its brilliant they take that first step by admitting it.
thanks again for supprt of messages.
Jason is also saying that i am not second best to his game and he doesnt put his game before me.. but if i asked him to quit he wouldnt, so yeah i am second best, he said his relationship and me are more important then the game.. but im sure thats just a way of him trying to get me to stop being at him.
Krisi.
I am so sorry for you. As sais I was into gaming far too much, but noticed the signs of depressing rolling over me so was able to change it before it got worse. You BF can possible not longer imagine a life without gaming, or worse, cannot imagine anyone else could be happy when not playing. The way he plays ( to be ahead of everyone) means he is carreer playing, (what is no leasure) but it became a full time job.
You need to realize and you will hear soon on meeting that what is in between his conscious thinking and you is a lrage volume of Dopamine and Amfitamine and Cortisol in his brains, what workks neurotaxicating. (means it destroys his brain by sitting on the nerves end -- feeding his needs for more) It makes him happy, tired and agitated all at the same time. These substances we normally need if we are under threat, and we need to run for our lives...but he is now having this affect for years..
the good news the repair is not permanent, at least when he stops for good. After 5 to 10 days he should have worst withdrawal past. All you need to do is convince him his life in Virtual reality, has pushed his mind also in a unnatural reality ( neurotoxic)
Because his mind is now no longer awake - you cannot force him to stop - It would only activate his defences - so what you need to convince him his behavior is unnatural and in a way he is sick and needs help. I also sense he is using his advantage - that you could not leave easily when wanted - but that is his addictive mind.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
I tend to go straight to the bottom line, a gift and a curse perhaps, but this prayer is my first and last thought on these situations -
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people that I cannot change, the courage to change the one that I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me. Amen.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
He sounds so much like me when gaming that it gives me shivers. When reading his responses to you and how he acts...that's how I was.
I used every excuse he uses...and meant it.
I had to be the best, the first, the highest, my guild was going to the top, my teammates needed me, blah blah blah.
My husband was a toad for interferring with my "fun"! How dare he yap at me when I'm right here in the house, not drinking or carousing, and I'm with him all the time anyway (we're both retired) so what is HIS problem!
Believe me, your significant other does NOT know how he is to you, he does NOT feel the same feelings you do, and he has NO clue what his actions are to anyone else but his game.
Until he is ready to stop, he won't. I wish we could help you make him stop, but that's not going to happen.
The best thing you can do is take care of you and the baby; concentrate on your lives and just ignore him. Believe me, he will notice when you don't seem to put him first in your life.
And how do you tell when an addict is lying? when his mouth moves.
Whatever he says to you (if it is NOT "I'm going to quit) is just noise. Don't believe it.
I know this is hard, but unless he suffers from HIS consequences, he will not feel the need to stop.
I hope things will improve for you.
No, World of Tanks and Second Life, I will not play you or your brethren today. At least I hope not. one day at a tiiiiiiime. Last day I gamed is now 13 May 2012.
Well, I have given up even trying to have any relationship with him, he came to the scan with me yesterday we are having a boy :) i asked him to look at baby names while i was at work as he hates the name i wanted for a boy. and i also asked him to ring his family and tell them before i posted it on facebook.. i found out from his sister that he didnt even look at baby names.. nor did he ring his family. i am heartbroken. I think i need to accept that he will never change.. i asked him to come off pc early.. he didnt do it yet again..
its valentines day tomorrow, i specifically asked if i could have an early tomorrow so that me and jason could do something.. but i know nothing is going to happen. Asked him to start writing the most important things to buy now for baby.. he also hasnt done that either.. this guild thing is getting to me. i would love to delete all his accounts on there, oh and also today, he asks me to get a left handed keypad for his computer.... what about our baby?!! ahhgh im sorry to rant!!
I'm so glad the only addict I have to deal with on a daily basis is me! Krisi, take care of you and that little boy growing inside. Somehow it frustrates me that you have the ability to care about living, to remain engaged with what matters and are still thinking you can inspire your addict to stop being an addict. I so want you to pack up and go. Take care of you and the baby you're carrying. Leave the addict to the consequences of his choices, and he's more likely to wake up sooner rather than later. I realize it's easier said than done, but knowing there's an innocent little one involved who deserves the healthiest circumstances his mother can provide gives the situation more urgency to me. Good luck!
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
I am so sorry to hear this. My wife never complained about me...but I always did my duties and loved to go outside..I wished she complained more..but this person needs to get hold of himself, and your son needs a real dad..... A biological father makes no father ....A father will care and love the baby 24 hrs /day 365 days a year ...until the end....
I am so sorry ...I pray you all wisdom and courage you will need. I am not in a position to tell you what you must, but I think that doing nothing will cause regrets later.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Hiya again, I told jason today that i am moving out, i have gone to the council and though it may take a while, im doing it. his response was "are you breaking up with me" i said no your gaming has broke us up" and there he goes back up to the computer..sitting there now.. i sat in the study with him and he tried to explain about this guild and i just went mad, i don't want to hear about guilds i don't care. i said to him was he trying to be the guild master, and he said he wasnt but he set up a website with someone in the guild and i said thats more responsibility and he said he doesnt want the responsibility. he said he wanted to be a "privelidged guild member" i do get on his case but its more because of his sister being on my case. he said he is the type of person that doesnt want to do anything he just wants to sit on his computer because he "spent alot of money on it" he made that decision to spend all that money on it. i honestly belive that even when i move out he will still be gaming and it will not hit him at all, then when my son is growing up jason will still be gaming... i am sorry that you all have had addictions but you know what you guys are stronger because you did something about it i don't even know any of you all but i admire that no matter how hard it was you still stuck with it. i am proud to be speaking to you all about it even though my circumstances are not good. i would love to say jason has quit his gaming haha but that will not happen for a long time, i cant help but feel i wasted my life with him.. i do not regret my son at all and i can't wait for him to be here but i regret watching the world pass me by and genuine guys that would of made that time and effort with me.. it hurts but i know i am doing what is right for me and my boy x x
Huge hugs, Krisi. I do know it's sooooo hard, but taking the action that is the most difficult to take is usually best for us and for those around us in the long run. I wish someone had had the courage to slap me when I was 25 and say,"Girl, cut it out! You're wasting your life for no reason!" For some reason - couldn't possibly be that I've always been so stubborn, willful :P - nobody would do that for me when I was having no success doing it for myself. So! It's everyone else's fault!! lol! I know that's not true. I'm fully responsible for all my choices, even when I chose by not choosing.
Only you know your situation, Krisi, and only you know what's best for you. I hope you'll keep talking to us whatever you do, and let us know how it's going.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
I found this specific post via Google because I searched for "Star Wars Old Republic Pathetic." I signed up just to respond to this thread.
I did the closed beta, and open beta. I've now been playing for 1.5 months and I already have 2 level 50s, with good gear. I recently closed my account and do not intend to play anymore.
Once you get to max level, the game is very boring. There is almost nothing to do, aside from grinding repetitive quests and daily missions - all for the sole purpose of getting better gear for yourself. There is no ultimate finale or major endgame content what-so-ever.
Therefore, I offer hope: if your significant-other is a gamer with an ounce of refinement he will quickly realize this stupid time-sink for what it is and beat a hasty retreat.
Also, I suggest you download a good blocking program for your browser and make sure he can't google "the secret world mmo" - it launches in April and, to be very honest, I am drooling for it. Your husband won't stand a chance.
I wish you all the best!
That line gave me a good laugh. Welcome to OLGA, Blue32.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Hi Bitter,
I honestly hope things get better for you. I missed out on a lot with my kids because of a gaming addiction to WoW ~ and I really don't want to go there again. I imagine your stressed beyound your limit with two little kids and a husband who is addicted to gaming.
You might want to check out these links: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2101152/Dungeons-dragons-divorce-World-Warcraft-seriously-damage-marriage-warn-scientists.html and the book http://www.amazon.com/Massively-Multiplayer-Online-Role-Playing-Games/dp/0786419156/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1329326077&sr=8-12
My husband also use to play WoW, got bored with it and played SW during beta. I feel for your pain and wish you the best of luck.
May the force be with you. You have much to learn young bittergal.
I noticed your bf is crying about the money he spent on the guild and game, but says nothing about spending money on his new son.
He's an addict, and until he gets over his addiction he just won't be there for you or his son.
It's sad. But you are doing the right thing. Take care of you and baby. Let bf take care of himself.
Often there is a reason for gaming addiction that lies deeper. Gaming is a good hiding place. Even today, as trying to recover, trying to quit and making progress ...And I am stepping back in my own life slowly. And that can be fearful. But its the only way, how hard it is. Hiding into games not to face reailty makes things worse. The addiction then also cause blindness for peoples own habit...because it feels so good, and lack of gaming will cause depression...but the depression will disappear soon, and if not there are good legal drugs on subscription helping many. But again..If they dont want to recover...we can support as much as we like...try the addicted people at least to read this site..and hope they realize they dopamine and amfetamine are changing their concious thinking
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Hiya again has anyone ever looked into long term side effects of excessive gaming, i ask this because we had the midwife here today, and jason could not socially communicate with her, he finds it very difficult speaking to anybody, and made an atmosphere he couldnt even answer when she said "how are you feeling jason" he didnt want to be there with me at all which again hurt me, but what can i do, it made me feel embarassed that he didnt even think to ask her about anything when she mentioned ante natal classes to him he froze up and couldnt even speak to her, it made an atmosphere and made it very uncomfortable for everyone in the room.. has anyone else had this or experienced the lack of social skills?
today we went baby shopping i spent alot of my money on things for the boy. though jason was very good at the store, getting involved picking up things ect, i actually belive his mind was there, and he saw what is coming to him..then we went for a meal afterwards which was really lovely.. though very awkward as still at the meal his "friends" were phoning him telling him to come online! so that ruined my day a bit, its like they have set times hes gotta be there what the hell!! cant even have a meal with his girlfriend!
he is a guild master now.. and running a website and he now reviews applications and accepts people i asked him whether he used to "apply" to be in guilds and i have to say i found it pathetic, i tried to get into what he was saying but to me writing a whole page of why you should be a member of a "guild" and offer your commitment to people you don't actually know and will very quickly replace you if you left. is totally beyond me.. he promised me he would not become a guild master but he has done it.
Jasons sister talked me out of moving out because she said i need to save money for the baby and though its not ideal with the problem jason has its better then seeing me struggle, so yes i am staying put for now. but Jason knows i am not happy about it nor does it make things right.
I have told jason about this site said i am on it quite often reading posts and joining in with the forums and he has said he will take a look at it, I think he does rekonise he has a problem.. but he doesnt wish to do anything about it, and now he has this "guild" it means more time away from me.. I have kept to my guns of not doing anything for him at all letting him sit up there and dont even remind him for dinner or anything. i am wasting my time when i am working i am not worrying about him any more if he has eaten.. my mind set is that as long as i am working and earning money for the baby thats what will keep me occupied. Jason keeps talking about this rank 60 thing then he promises he will cut down completely but i really do not belive him. my heart wants too but my head is saying "addict" and that i can't control or cure it like i learnt here. I have accepted that his "virtual" life is more important then myself but i am not letting it get to me. its thanks to reading this site it has helped me realise that actually i am not alone. -x-
if hes talking about rank 60 gear hes just going to work long and hard (wasting time) to get it then once he does hes not going to know what to do anymore and either keep playing the same missions over and over again or start a new character@! (wasting more time) i said to myself ok im almost at rank 50 then ill cut down and i got there. then i had to work to get the level 50 gear. then i found out there was this other gear thats better its rated lvl 54 even tho the game only goes upto 50. and then theres lvl 56 gear that unlocks after that! then level 60!. its craziness! and it wont matter once HE has all of his stuff because since hes a "guildmaster" now and he thinks its important hes gonna help everybody else get their stuff too! (wasting even more time) trust me i wasnt a guildmaster but i did the same thing i was like ok ill help other people so they can play with me once were all at the same level. i think my breaking point was i was so busy with other stuff that the time consuming nature of the game was causing me more stress than "relaxation" so i was like screw this and i got out of the whole cycle!
http://i580.photobucket.com/albums/ss248/narko25/mmorpg-addiction.jpg
You are already getting stronger. This is how Anon recovery starts. It's often easier for others to see, before we see it ourselves. It comes through in your posts. Keep getting support for yourself. I've been in Al-Anon for a number of years. People come in angry, or withdrawn, or confused, or all three. Six months later their lives have turned around completely, because they are starting to focus on themselves and their recovery. I can't emphasize strongly enough that addiction drags everyone down, and recovery lifts everyone up. Don't let his disease drag you down. My Dad continued to drink for the rest of his life, but I got into recovery. To be where I am now, from where I began, takes a miracle. It's the sort of everyday, garden variety miracle, that happens all the time in 12Step recovery. Keep coming back - and don't quit before the miracle occurs for you too.
Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
Krisi. I pray he starts to change. Social abilities indead decline as part of the depression coming up. He feels it too, but he does not know what a depression is. A depression when never felt before is hard to detect on itself. Long term affects are : no joy in life apart from gaming. not able to maintain social contacts. loss of cognitive abilities. loss of interest in everything.
The reason is when he plays he gets dopamine. When he stops the flow stops. As he get too much dopamine, as I did, he bacme addicted. It is the same as happens to someone taking cocaine, or crack. Only Jason is addicted the innocent way, what means he did not use substance. The problem is now...he is at the point, ot near the point where his body simply cannot make more dopamine to satisfy as the body become restinant..or immune to the very high dose.
This means he is now VERY sick and has made himself an insane goal thet reuires pointless clicking. In order to start his recovery make him see in the most gentle way he is very ill, and the only solution is to stop. That stop will cause him to have many side affects as he will detox.(i have had 3 detoxperiods...myself) and then he may not feel joy from many things the first period. But that is something you must work out ...The brain takes at least 6 weeks to detoc fully. Then a few months to recover. And then over a year to rewire. Symptoms of depression or depomaine addiction will get less in the period and the brain will repair most damage although no one reallly understands how that works.
If you can make him to read the information about dopamine affect on brains (like cocacine addiction) he may realize he is in grave danger. Excessive gaming triggers the same effect on us as cocaine does. 19% of all people is sensative to addiction. Best practive never to get confronted with gaming in future and find other hobbies.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
hiya everyone.. thought i would give you an update.. Ok so last week he's actually come off the computer earlier, without me moaning at him to get off the pc, he must of actually spent nearly every night before i go to bed with me. just watching tv programmes, i know it doesnt sound much but when your boyfriend is addicted to a game any time is precious!!. I showed him what i have been writing on here about him. because i wasnt going to lie, i thought about it and decided that im better off just saying to him this is what i have wrote and you have a look, and see how much its affecting my life with him. he read through everything and he was shocked that it upset me so much. He will not quit though which is pretty sad for me still.
Yesterday my mother came down for a visit to meet him, and he did well he came to the meal, and even when we got back he sat and looked at baby names, his "guild" want him to not have a girlfriend.. and i think that is pretty pathetic. but then last night he went back to his ways.. he promised me that he would be off the computer, and i belived him i didnt even ask him to come off, but he said he would come off and watch some stuff with me. and sadly he came to bed later again.. didnt even realise that i was waiting for him to come off, though i fell asleep because i just knew. and his excuse was his mates needed him to help with something.. so we are back at square one which is so sad. i really thought he had it sorted. but clearly not. so i am pretty hurt that after one week of showing me he goes back.. he even was telling the people the other night that he needs to spend time with his girlfriend.. i never understood why you needed to actually give reasons for why you cant make a raid or whatever ! they all seem to be frustrated that he can't be as commited but i have no idea really. you know they are all older aswell, couple of young ones but all around our age.. he logged on yesterday and within couple seconds they were all ringing him. its a shame but there is nothing i can do anymore. he said hes nearly at level 60 but then he will cut down but i generally don't think he will. so im not beliving him any more. no point.
Krisi. Nothing to worry about yet...you still have the initiative. We all go back after 7 days the first time we try to quit so you boyfriend does as we all seem to be programmed, we try again after some time of relax...But his pathetic friends are pulling hard now...so you must pull harder. Without getting upset, as now he knows the addiction, and with the knowledge the guild comes, followed by depression. So know the next step is to draw him away from the game for good. First discuss how much more fun there was spending time together.(reward & encouragement) and let him explain how he fealt. If he feels tensed when not playing its ok, as that need time to pass ( a few weeks t most) ...and if he agrees how much fun it is, then try to convince him that talking to you is better then talking to those nerd-friends...who are obvious jealous, and try to pull him in their own demise...and when he agrees to that...you are one step for the final approach...to let him cease the account. The level 60 thing is not important..as when he has it there will be a level 61 thing. As these people who get rich exploiting the game...are also exploiting his obsession through frustration...as that is where the game actualy is fueled by...like his mind becomes a slave in the matrix of endless virtual reality.
So dont give up yet...just embrace for one good winning strike...and make him end the games, and join this site ...for starters...Have him report to a doctor he admits addiction...and follow a program like 12 steps.....
Important you will earn him calmly other drawn him into their demise..and the exploit of the game is fueled on obsessed addiction...and this addiction will eventuely kill him as addicts that dont stop...never grow old happily, if they grow old at all...and he needs to save his own life!!
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Krisi, it sounds like your directing him to this site and his looking at how his addiction is affecting you may have been a reality check for him, be it ever so brief. Encourage (but don't nag) him to come back here when you have the opportunity, but, more importantly, please locate an Al-anon group in your area and attend a meeting or two. I truly believe you'll find immeasurable support there to help you deal with your situation in a positive way. Just be willing and open to help. Of course, continue coming back here as well. You're in my prayers.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
hiya all, well this week has got worse. i want to leave. i have had enough. he has been moody he has been gaming all week, Today is my day off. instead of helping me clean the house. he sat and gamed. he hasnt moved. says hes unwell. expects me to get him food from the store though.. and he has now started saying i am addicted to facebook!! and hes trying to defend his addiction with me being on facebook, its 2 completely different scenarios, i do not need to go on there i work long hours and majority of the time i am too tired to even get on the laptop. I am at my wits end. oh by the way he hit level 60 and woke me up this morning by coming to bed at silly time am. but even though he promised he would cut down at this hes not doing it. i can honestly say i havent stopped crying, i had a bit of hope but now its gone. so what do i do, now he wont even watch tv with me. I have had enough I thought we were getting somewhere obviously not. he is addicted, but he will not change. i feel like i should just pack my bags and go, why does he not understand from my side how much hurt this is causing me and emotionally aswell i am working all day tomorrow so thats another day he will be gaming. he hasnt even looked at what i bought the baby cos he doesnt care. he is putting that guild first and the people and to be honest this is me done i want to move away where he can never see me. he does not want to even cut down. and thats the worse part. it occured to me today that actually all he wants is his game. and sod me and his baby. i am sorry i am so emotional today i just wanted to come on here and let off some steam. i just really thought he would of made the effort a little bit. this game has ruined my life, and he has ruined me completely. as long as my boy grows up happy then i dont care.
Krisi. I am so sorry to hear this. I think you do right. choose for yourself and the baby. The baby needs a father..not a donor ...I mean every man can make a child. The art is raising one. The danger is that if will be this for the next years...Your son will not only have an addicted father...who is depressed, but also set the complete wrong example...If you tried everything..then its time to go, get a baby at a place it can grow up in peace...and then perhaps later find a real father for it...There are much better blokes out there...When you meet one, make sure he doesnt look away from you when looking in the eyes...thats what gamers do.
btw its not his baby. When you can bring up addiction you may get him off fathership..although in legal terms game addiction does not exists..what is madness.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
WOW! That is so well-said! big hugs Eve.
My friend has just got me in touch with an ex gamer, he was addicted to WoW, he did a video about it which i watched. i agree Eve, totally. i actually don't think Jason is depressed though, hes just addicted..x
It's hard to know if we gamed because of depression, or we got depressed because we were gaming.
Depression seems to run in this family (at least with all the women). My grandmother was depressed, my mom was, my sister is, and I am.
One thing I do know for sure, gaming can magnify--if not create--depression; they seem to go hand in hand.
Agree Pat...Its a downward spiral. One causing the other to get worse. Dopamine, Serotenine..They all need to be in straight balance otherwise depression lurks. Reading, caring, walking, cycling..resting, socialising...and try to value the small things in life ....thats all that matters. It took me 40 years to believe it but I can see much clearer now.
krisi..I realize something you must know what I have learned so far here and what is valid to me.. Almost everyone that quit gaming in here myself on the first place realises that he or she must quit because we/ the addicts dont feel to well anymore, or spouses end relations, or we get thrown out of the homes..Not because we care about others. That caring about others comes after a few days of not gaming, when shame comes in. That however, prevents us from relaps( the love to others....but it doesnt make us quit at the first place....at least that I what I see around. -->Means addicts only quit as they understand the hopelessness of their "pathetic"lives or if their bodies simply cannot take the addiction anymore and get exhausted(burnout type) ...And the problem is some can hold up for decades. I think I am the record holder here with 25 years. I have had long periods without or very casual gaming, but I realize that happened at times there was less on the market...But after 25 years my body and mind told me too quit...And the stupid thing was I was very functional too.....but thats only an example of how long addiction may take....
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
25 yrs is a long time, thats almost as old as me! so this ex wow addict has been mailing me, and reading his story is just something else. I told jason i spoke to him, and there was a hint of jealousy in when i spoke to jason, have no idea why that would be. i keep asking him about this rank 60 thing he said he doesnt want to advance anymore.. its now he wants to get better gear.. and a better guild! this is never ending! I said to him today that when i go back to work i will be working weekends so he will have to look after the baby, and he said nothing. the thing is i love him so much. i also had to say to him about these dailys he has to do, and he said he does not enjoy doing them.. so to me that shows hes not actually enjoying the game any more. he also doesnt enjoy the guild stuff, he said that he doesnt want to let them down. I also have tried to speak to him about what the guild gives him.. and being a guild master, and he just said that people look up to him and he wants to make the guild the best one... soo again.. theres the addiction coming in. i mean part of me thinks maybe he thinks he is missing out something in the real world but i don't know what.. because he does well in his job, hes got his girlfriend and the baby obivously and we live in a nice house. we don't really struggle with money, so that is what i do not get. x
krisi. Off course he doesnt like the game in the end . None of us did. The problem is worse. We play to get Dopamine. The same Dopamine as a heroin or Coke/crack junk gets. We are junks..for that euphoria. And we dont like anything anymore. Al we like is more Dopamine. Some people even use coke and game together to get some addiction, as the tolerance levels grow with the usage. In the end the gamer needs to play all day not to feel bad.
Now I have the next question. Would you leave your child in the hands of an addict, who takes care about his dopamine addiction before anything else?
And yes 25 years is a long time..got two kids...great job - my wife doesnt have to work - nice house , great view..educated twice. Went always outside with the children when possible ( to maintain balance) And off course I wanted to quit...but I couldnt. So the result was:
Almost lost my marriage, and the children. I become agitated for nothing. I was present in the living room yet invisable. I craved Dopamine all day. I lost all my friends. I was afraid to meet people for longer then a few minutes. I wanted to quit my job. I always was too late paying bills. I never did anything in household...And in the end when I went outside i felt like doing my job watching over the kids...lost libido totaly too and I never such high goals as Jason did.
And what if he never stops...your son could become addicted too as it genetics mostly so 50% chance he is vulnareble to addiction already...and with a setting example of how to ruin your life and give in on addiction....in stead of trying to improve..chances are big that addiction will spread through family onto the kids....
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Oh how I've been there and done that. Been an officer of a guild in that game...been a partner to a guild master (more than one guild), did the dailies, did the raids, did the daily check in with guildies to advance the guild. And I know the game now is worse than it was when I was playing, because now there are guild advancements and levels and achievements (it used to be just the individual player advancements and levels and achievements), the longer that game goes on, the more trapped a person becomes.
It will only get worse for him when he realizes that the game will take every spare moment of his day. And the tragedy is, and it is a tragedy, is that he thinks that he will let his buddies down if he withdraws! Yes he will for about 5 minutes. All he has to do is give the guild to a top officer/buddy, and get out. I did that, I had to do that, I felt AWFUL for a week because I felt like I was letting people down.
It was a flat out lie. I let no one down. But I was totally convinced I would be. The guild moved on without me. They found someone better to run it, someone more addicted than me. No one missed me in the long run; no one.
I loved being needed and wanted and valued. But it is so phony. I know he can't see that right now, and PLEASE don't tell him this. He will deny it. Because I did.
I had no fricken clue that the persons who meant the world to me were my husband and myself and I was letting us down big-time. My husband is disabled; did I care if he bathed? or ate well? or had any kind of compansionship? no.
I really care about that now. He is not neglected anymore, neither am I. However, it took a solid 3 or 4 months after quitting gaming to realize this.
I wish I could tell him that his new "guild" is his family; his 1st officer is his wife, he has a troop of one (the baby coming) and that his new achievements and levels are as a husband and father and provider for his little family. That his life can be much richer than a game could ever be, that his family will have more achievements than a game ever had, that the power of love is much more awesome than doing raids, and that the dailies of life bring real satisfaction.
I will say a prayer for you, so that he will wake up out of this game-dream and realize that it is not too late to change from a fantasy life of no return, to a real life with never-ending possibilities.
p.s. I played that game since Open beta, and just quit 9 months ago. I had a lot of experience in that game, and it all meant nothing in the end.
Krisi, I have read through your posts and am so sorry for you. The thing is, EVE & Patria are right. You have pointed Jason in the right direction and dropped things in his way which should help - at points your suggestions even hinted at improvements. The thing is, you cannot stick around forever waiting for that change to happen. I'm lucky in that it only took me two years and almost losing everything that I'd worked so hard for to reach burnout. This coincided with me meeting my current fiance, but I chose to dedicate myself to her instead of the game.
Your husband may take months, years, decades even to reach this conclusion, if he reaches it at all. You can't waste your life waiting for him to come around. The children deserve a father - they're (probably?!) reaching an age where they crave attention, love and care, catch and long walks with the dog, cuddling up on the sofa at night with a book. If they can't get that from him, then he doesn't deserve them.
At the moment it would be best to describe his life as analogous to being in a black hole, albeit with a small chance of escape. He will take that chance when he feels ready and will either make it out or get sucked back in. The real question is how long you want to put up with this behaviour...
Sorry. I hope that helps and doesn't sound too harsh. I feel for all three of you and pray for your Husband's recovery.
I quit gaming on 16 May 2011. Thank you Online Gamers Anonymous for setting me on the right path to conquering my addiction.
Hiya all, havent been on here for a while but thought i would check in on you all :)
I Took maternity Leave early as i was getting stressed out and tired at work, i have been off since friday and its awful! sitting around doing nothing, just waiting for my baby to hatch haha!
Over the weekend, i did alot of housework, did painting did the garden cleaned our garage even cleaned on top of our cupboards! jason did nothing.. he just sat and gamed.. i actually thought that he was coming around as Saturday he was off the pc and spent the majority of the day with me, but that was only because he got some inheritance, and needed to get that sorted, though i was proud of him that he put the money into a new bike so he can cycle to and from work, and i was surprised that he didnt put it towards the computer at all. so thats a bit of progress. he then felt guilty because he didnt buy me anything with his money, i had no idea that he would actually feel guilty about that and i could not understand it,
As for me and him i have chosen to step back, i do love him of course but i do my own thing and he just games, i dont wait for him to come off the pc, to watch tv with me anymore, I make sure that im in bed! I am at the point where i think if you can't put in couple of hours of your gaming time to spend time with me why should i do same for you, hes now raiding 4 times a week as far as i know, and to be honest though it upsets me cos he is just sat in his study, i am seeing life as what it is. but as long as my house looks tidy i don't care really. Last night he had a go at me cos i asked him to take his plate downstairs, as hes still eating upstairs in front of a computer, i asked him to eat downstairs as it was garlic, but he didnt listen and i just said "well it will smell up there so thats your responsibility to make sure it doesnt go through my house" he then had a go at me, and moaned because im not working at the moment. couldnt belive it really
I said that was the only thing he had on me, and also the fact that he lost his job due to gaming gives him no rights to question about me, and i proceeded to say that im actually still getting a salary for "sitting around doing nothing" whereas he lost pay for "sitting around in front of a virtual world" he said i annoyed him cos i embarassed him by asking him to take a plate down! wtf!! and that he still has a job. i also thought i would tell him that actually if it wasnt for me and his sister kicking him to touch then he actually wouldnt even have a job so who is he to judge his girlfriend who he is meant to love!
He refused to go to our antenatal too, cos he was too busy, raiding.
part of me thinks he does actually feel guilty with the way he has treated me. the only bit of emotion i got from him with the baby was when i was up in the study the other day, and he felt my tummy and i said that the boy was asleep jason put his ear to my tummy and the boy kicked him haha and jason was like "awww" he is still against second hand clothes but my friend gave us some nice bits and Jason didnt want them.. so i just told him to actually instead of game, actually look online and buy clothes for him if he sees it as such an issue :) i hope everyone is OK x x x