So my husband has been a gamer since we met 11 years ago, back then there was no such thing as "online gaming" and he would play computer games and his x-box. Then when Xbox live came out, he was connected to others around the world and made it more interesting for him. His new thing is playstation where he plays sports games online with friends (these are friends he did not meet online). His gaming always bothered me because I often felt left out of his world, put "off" until his game was over. However, we had a baby girl 7 months ago. I never imagined that he would ever put off spending time with her and attending to her needs because he was gaming. I am hurt and disguisted by this. She was only a few weeks old and when asked to take care of her so I could have a break, would hold her in his arms with the controller so he could continue to play. I seen him do this and blew up telling him if he was taking care of her, he is NOT to be gaming. There have been many instances in the last few months where he asked me to attend to her needs because he was playing a "game". He speaks of it as the most important thing and he cannot stop playing to see why his own daughter is crying. This weekend, he set up a league for this new MLB game and said he had to be home for 1PM because he set it up and all the guys were on and he had to be on to play. I agreed to it, whatever I thought he would be gaming for a few hours. Our daughter had swimming lessons at 12. The morning of he tells me that he cannot go to her swimming lessons because the league is actually starting at 12. I was ****ed, I went to swimming with her alone and returned to him with the door locked down in the basement drinking and "gaming". He continued for the next 6 hours. I finally got so upet that I brought him the baby and left, he continued gaming paying very little attention to her I suspect. Later that evening, I shut off the modem. When he realized what I had done, he called me a "****ing b****" and continued to mutter this, I ignored him. I have not spoken to him since and that was 2 days ago. He had seen tgat I was looking up videogame addiction on the computer and he laughed sarcastically saying he does not have a problem. I am so sick of this, I can handle being ignored whatever but our daughter should not have to go through this, sometimes I feel we would be better off without him.
August ..welcome..And I am sorry this happens. You husband is an addict in the worst stage as it seems to me. No one can set him free apart from himself. He lives fro a substance called dopamine. When he games he makes it. When he doesnt. the dopamine stops. Dopamine is the substance in our brains making us happy, giving reward. But brains get used to it and he needs more and more. Then he is tight in his rituals...firing up the game..playing...what makes it impossible for him to stop, or break free. He will need help, but as soon you fire at him, as he lost his social skils too...he will see it as an attack on his lifestyle and will game even more...Try to reason him to see counsil or a doctor..he needs help for a very serious addiction...I suffered from it but broke free before It got worse...He cant go on forever..he must stop some day and today is better then any day..Gaming addiction is the same as alcohol or cocaine addiction,,this serieus it is..Sorry I wished it was different
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Sorry to hear it August.
They say that Fatherhood is supposed to make a man, but I'm not sure that they ever factored addiction into that old adage.
The best you can do is look after yourself and your baby. Hopefully he will come around by himself - point him in this direction and perhaps you can get him to read about the symptoms of gaming addiction and see if he believes that he is one.
The most important thing for you to do is not enable. Don't make life any easier for him or do anything that will enable him to not pull his weight and defer everything to you.
I am praying for you
S
I quit gaming on 16 May 2011. Thank you Online Gamers Anonymous for setting me on the right path to conquering my addiction.
Thanks for the replies, his time away from the game was very short lived. I went for a walk this evening and when I returned, he had the baby downstairs with him as he was gaming again...he immediately brought her upstairs to me when I got home and went downstairs again. Its funny because he puts on a front to everyone about what a wonderful father he is, if only ppl could see what goes on behind closed doors...I don't know how to bring any of this up to him. I have been giving him the cold shoulder and only speaking to him when necessary. I am afraid of what he will say and know that it will turn into a fight...what is the best way to discuss this with him? We live in a very small community with very little resources, he can get counseling however.
It's interesting August that he saw you looking up video game addiction and he laughed saying he didn't have a problem. I certainly am no expert but I wonder what would happen if you asked him to prove it by not playing for two weeks ( or one week) ( a two week vacation from gaming -or one week?) Say that that should not be a problem for him if he isn't addicted. Have some things planned that you want to share with him that are outside the house or maybe a weekend away- the two of you. Would he do that for you if you asked? Maybe that would at least make him think.
I wish you the best in this!! It must be no fun being with someone who is absent (mentally) all the time.
August. Communication is everything. But being upset makes no sense. See it this way. The brain from your husband is split into Conscious and addicdtec brain. Everything you said his conscious brain wants to tel yes you are right. But his addicted brain overrules, and starts shouting at you. Its like his innermost self is now trapped in his body and the gaming mind-- the game took him over.
Quiting will be very hard as I find every day. First we need to realize that its abnormal, then we need to find the strength to stop. Then detoxication starts, what can be very heavy. Days suddenly get much longer and thinking that without gaming we have no purpose to fill the day makes us addicted people depressed. But that will pass. Then Grief phase starts. For us addicted people we grief over quiting like we lost our best friend or worse. To you thats sounds crazy. For us, it a bittersweet reality that we have to go through all 5 phases of grief.
Then the recovery starts. Recovery is a lot of work and you may find the game hours moving to recovery time as it is working hard..At my recovery I now feel like I am feeling burn -out , or Chrnoic stress syndrom trying to leave my body...what is an unpleasent stress ....But it should now go slowly better in future.
I hope you understand now better what you "ask" from him, and that when he quits, it will take time before he is fully back. On the other hand..when he quits he will be free..but he needs activities to replace them. Tasks , work and relaxing activities and time to recover.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Definitely.
He has no problem? fine, then he can quit for a month. No problem? quit when you have to do dad things.
He won't be able to, so therefore he's probably addicted...heavily addicted.
I'm sorry for the daughter. She really needs both parents in her life. Her "father" will realize this when she starts running around at 16 because she never had a dad in her life. Another whole generation of neglected kids.
Broken people break their kids. Ugh. Stop the madness.
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Luckily for all of us, gamers or not, there are available some terrific programs on how to live healthily, whether the gamer gets well or not.
Nar-Anon has a good program for families/friends of substance abusers (gaming fits right in). Co-dependent Anon (CODA) has a solid program. And of course, you will have support here.
Remember, you did not Cause his addiction, you can't Change his addiction, nor can you Cure it.
But, you might get his attention if you learn to live your own life in a healthy way, for yourself and your child. And it really gets the gamer's attention if you're happy without him.
And you are pretty much living without him. He's living with his addiction.
I am in the same boat. My husband would play pretty much any game out there besides sports. When I had our twin daughters, I thought it would stop. To make it all worse, he was playing WOW the day I had them and we had family there visiting but WOW was more important. Also for the past 2 years with the girls being around, he's neglected taking care of them. He has his ups and downs of playing and then not playing. The last peak he had, he had a choice the game or his family, because it got that bad. Unfortunatly in my opinion, sometimes something drasitc has to happen to make them realize oh crap I need to stop. I do hope your situation gets better. :)
What has to happen is that everyone around them need to stop enabling them to play.
Let them suffer the consequences of their actions.
That's what my family did for me; I hated it at first, hated it until I quit. Then realized they were right...I had no life beyond gaming and I had shut everyone out.
But learning not to enable is a program. Hope you can find one you will follow. It does make a difference.
Nar-Anon: http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html
CODA: http://www.coda.org/
These can be very helpful for families of addicts.