Absolutely Blindsided

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ShockedWife
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Joined: 02/10/2017 - 12:48am
Absolutely Blindsided

I think Game of War is going to ruin my marriage.

For many years, my husband has enjoyed gaming, but it has never been this extreme. I don't even know how long he's been playing Game of War (GOW)...not long after it first came out/became popular. Years?

I noticed very early on it was a problem. It's like there is always something to do and the game never stops. I would talk rationally, beg, nag, demand for him to put it down. He plays when he gets home until dinner. He plays during dinner. He plays until bedtime.

I am losing him. Over 8 years of all different life struggles - and I am losing him to this game.

Apparently it is far worse than I ever wanted to admit.
Without going into detail - over the last couple of days I have found out that he has been flirting with a girl on there, who lives in a different state, but still...he lied about her and said he doesn't chat privately with her and she can't access him in "the real world"...and then I found her on his Facebook friends list.

He makes comments about the people who spend so much money on the game and says he doesn't spend much. Maybe $20 here or there. Our bills get paid on time, generally...but there is never much left over to go on a vacation or out to eat, etc. He will make comments like, "We managed to spend like $400 this week." And I was always made to feel like it was me buying stuff for the house, or too many groceries, etc. We are constantly talking about how to cut back on bills and spending.

Tonight I learned he has spent over $500 on this game in the last month. Is this why I didn't get a honeymoon? Or had to bend over backwards to cut corners on our wedding? Or why we can never go on a vacation? Or why our 2 dog's vaccines are 2 months overdue?

I have been on the couch for the last 2 nights trying to wrap my head around this reality I'm living in right now. It blindsided me. I had no idea it was this bad.

I believe he really does love me. I believe he really doesn't want to lose me. We were together for 7 years before he proposed. Just last month while having an actual discussion (which we rarely have anymore) he told me how wonderful and strong I am, how no one would have stood by him through some of the stuff we've been through like I have and started crying telling me he wished he would have proposed sooner.
It all seemed so genuine...so why is this girl even around?

I just joined tonight - and read through plenty of the information...a little too late. There was this letter for spouses thay discussed tips for dealing and I have kind of done everything wrong in the last couple days.
When I found out about this girl last night I pretty much gave him an ultimatum. I just found out about the money tonight and don't know what to do. Like I mentioned before I've begged and nagged and compromised on this game.

I'm also an enabler. But...I didn't used to be. I used to just be a devoted housewife.
I home school our 4th grader. I cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, pay bills, plan day trips, etc. It was the trade off for him earning the money.
It makes me feel guilty to stop doing those things but I see that taking care of everything makes it easy for him to just come home and play that game.
What I would give to come home and just do something for myself and know the chores would still get done. I have no idea what that feels like.

He is such a good man. He is smart and funny and I know he loves and cares about us. I love him so much. We're supposed to be together for the rest of our lives...which might sound childish, sorry.

I am just so lost right now.

Polga
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Last seen: 4 hours 45 min ago
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Shockedwife.

Welcome Shockedwife.

It sounds like you have become overwhelmed by the sudden realisation of the seriousness of his addiction. There are member stories on here about online relationships that they have discovered, and how hurtful they are to them and how the addict just doesn't think there is a problem. If you search them out you may find it helpful to you.

Give yourself a break about not doing anything the right way up until now; it's not your fault he is addicted. Addiction does some bad things to the loved ones. The hope is that we can get educated and change what we do about it. You cannot control his addiction, but you can make choices to look after you and make sure you no longer enable his gaming.

Keep coming back to read here and make your plan on how you will approach this. You may find some excellent support at alanon or naranon meetings neer you. They help the loved ones of addicts. Or go to counselling; someone who understanda addiction and can treat you as the wife of an addict; someone who does not want to fix your husband, but look after your needs.

Keep coming back!

 

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