Boyfriend finds games his only source of entertainment when we're together

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laika
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Boyfriend finds games his only source of entertainment when we're together

I'm dating this guy who is around my age, we're both recently turned 18. We've been dating for five months now, and up until around last month, things were going great. I always knew that he had a bit of an obsession with games in general - he is a huge Magic the Gathering fan and he spends all of his free time when he's not with me or working playing video games. Usually he goes through month-long phases and then switches to a game he likes more. Right now it's Terraria but last month it was something else and he's always had an underlying obsession with Hearthstone. (that's not even including Clash of Clans. dear god.) Previously I tried playing these games occasionally with him because he says that's how he's used to interacting with his friends, and to an extent that's worked but I am a huge perfectionist and very competitive and when I don't do as well as I'd like, I get really annoyed - not at him but at myself.

We don't live very close to each other, so usually we sleep over at each other's places every week for a couple days so that we can spend time together. After a couple hours of talking/doing whatever with me, the boyfriend will open up his laptop/turn on the xbox/etc. And start playing a video game, and acts like I'm not there. This really hurts me as it makes me feel as if the games he plays are more interesting than me, a breathing and living individual with ideas and thoughts and opinions whom he claims he loves.

I brought up that I was feeling unhappy because he was acting like I was boring when we spent time together, and he was surprised and hurt, saying that he didn't even realize that there was a problem. I personally have been struggling with depression and anxiety to the point of hospitalization, so he thinks that I'm overreacting and blaming my unhappiness on him. I partly agree that I'm probably overreacting, but I still think that my feelings of unhappiness in my relationship must come from somewhere. At any rate the agreement we came to was that he would just not play games when we were together but he sounded so hurt and upset and very passive aggressive I'm not even sure if that's the right thing to do.

Is there anything else I even CAN do? I need to see both perspectives on this....

Alonewith2
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Welcome to the boards. It is

Welcome to the boards.

It is natural for someone who is confronted with something that someone else does not like, to feel hurt and upset. Passive aggressive however can be dangerous and damaging to a relationship. You say you both came to an agreement - did it come from him or from you and how much compromise was there? Did you discuss it or did you outright set a boundary, or did he suggest the entire thing - this will make a big difference to what happens next.

If you read everyone's stories on here you will realise that what you are experiencing is real and can lead to a great amount of unhappiness. What you need to do is be honest with yourself about what you want out of a relationship, what you are capable of putting up with. You also need to ask yourself where you see yourself in a few years time. What is it that attracts you to this person?

You speak about your own problems with the games too and with depression and anxiety. I would say do not make any major decisions until you have dealt with all of this in your own life. Once you feel more confident in yourself and your ability to solve problems then you can make bigger decisions regarding this. It will also give him a chance to decide what is important to him and to show you if he can stick to your agreement. You cannot change an addict and you also need to know what is your responsibility and what is his - do NOT blame yourself for his problems. Do not try to make him happy and comfortable with a gaming addiction - it will only hurt you. Work on yourself and let him work on himself. Be honest with him and hopefully he will be honest with you.

laika
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Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your words; I feel a little better on this matter. When I confronted him with how I felt he said he was confused and didn't know what I wanted from him. I restated what I meant in different words and he said I was making more sense. I guess I came up with the solution, but he said he was willing to try it (even though he sounded hurt) and if it didn't work, he'd help think of other ways to deal with the problem. He also mentioned that sometimes, it was necessary to be difficult about something (he was referring to me calling him out on his behavior) in order to get an important point across - which I think was a good thing to say.

I know that if we end up moving different places across the world our relationship wouldn't work anymore because we aren't very good at communicating online, but other than that, I don't see that there are any problems with our relationship (besides the video game thing of course).

It sounds to me like my bf doesn't want me to push him away, so I'm going to try to find a way to stay invested in my relationship while also dealing with my mental health issues. I'm hoping that will work, and I'm going to give everything some time and see how things play out, without making any drastic decisions.

Thank you again.

fantonia
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Last seen: 8 years 11 months ago
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Joined: 04/04/2015 - 7:54pm
Sweetie, all I can say is

Sweetie, all I can say is that you take care of YOURSELF! You are very young, and there are still plenty life experiences to have...but learn one simple thing... drug, alcohol, porn or game addiction..is an addiction!!! And one in which that person feels good, and you feel like crap. And you can bring the stars down, cause after a while it won't matter, you won't matter.

Been there, done that.. I understand until you have the pink fluffy clouds, it's nice...but men tend to get used to women....even "normal" men... the relationship gets a bit flat and both of you need to find ways to relight the fire....which is a hard work without any addictions... After a while he will not watch your needs...

And if you had problems in the past, you really need to take care of yourself and start being an emotionally strong person, so no guy ever takes advantage of you in any way! Don't try to find ways to satisfy his every need, and especialy not to try to change for him, cause for guys like him, whatever you do won;t be enough after a while. At this age you should try to get to know yourself and your boundaries, what you love, what you want to accept in your life and what is a no go. When you know who you are, never be with someone who doesn't meet your standards (until they are realistic). Whoever hates it, means sooner or later will give up on you. You deserve a boy who wants the best for you!

I had my happiest years when I was your age. He was a love I will never forget! But don't settle!

I wish you the best!

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