Husband neglecting marriage for computer games including erotic adult games

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Lilith
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Husband neglecting marriage for computer games including erotic adult games

Hi all, I signed up a while ago but haven't had much involvemtne until now. Forgive me if the topic has already been covered, I did a scan of posts but didn't spot anything like it.

SHORT VERSION:

My husband, on top of his excess gaming, has been constantly playing numerous erotic videogames/ dating sims and interactive porn games (some of a disturbing theme including sex slavery, cheating and with characters who look very child-like) and neglecting our marriage and sex life because of it (he would rather play his games than be intimate 90% of the time), lying to me about his computer activities and becomming very irritated when he doesn't have a lot of time on the computer alone (I use our computer room to study on my laptop as all my reference material is in there). After already having dealt with his emotional affair with an ex a couple of years ago and all his associated lying, my confidence (especially in the bedroom) is completely gone and I have no desire to be around him currently.

LONG VERSION:

I am posting because I have always had a bit of an issue with my husbands gaming (since we started dating 7 years ago) but I had, for a long time, accepted it as his hobby and left him to play pretty much as much as he liked, which was about 4-12 hours a day both with others online and by himself. When we moved in together after a year I would keep myself busy with my university study while he gamed. I would head to bed and he would be up hours later, still gaming. He would get moody sometimes if I was having periods of staying up late studying in the same room with him, later excusing himself being grumpy because he had 'low testosterone because he didn't get the chance to watch porn' because of my presence (I thought this odd, but thought maybe it was a legitemate reason being male and all and the fact that low testosterone made men moody). He also had an emotional affair via facebook with his ex that was on and off for a couple of years at intervals of about 6 months.

Years down the track we have built a home, and he is still playing 4 to 12+ hours a day. Still sleeping in late when work shifts allow for it and staying up into the early hours. Still getting up at odd hours to play on days off and sleeping once I am up. I have found out recently though that he has had an extensive history for playing erotic, interactive adult games since we began dating, and still plays them now. I have found he has paid money to play them, keeps his bank statements hidden and has lied about what he has been playing while I have been out at work or asleep. I have caught him numerous times closing windows as I approach, and getting very annoyed and nasty when I have done so. He neglects the housework, his family and myself to play the huge amount of games he switches between on his computer and phone. I could be out at work to come home and nothing has been done, and that he's hardly moved from his computer chair while I have been gone.

My biggest issue was being put second to videogames, now it is being put second to videogames where he seduces animated women, interactive porn characters, buys and sells women in pimping games and conqueres sex slaves who look like little school girls. Needless to say my self esteem was crushed for a couple of years after his emotional affair, but I had slowly got back to my old self, only to find that all the times where I was convincing myself he was just playing his usual videogames with his mates rather than thinking he's flirting with ex's or other girls, I find out he's been neglecting our relationship and sex lives by playing these games (I'm not too against the games themselves, just the context of their use, though some I have found a little disturbing and wouldn't have thought he would play ones with certain themes). Though I have always been honest with him about my occasional use of porn sites, he has always lied to me about his use, and never once mentioned these games, even when I have asked curiously if there are any we could play together in the attempt to open lines of communication. After finding hidden games on the computer and in the history I am not happy, and feel that this discovery on top of his usual gaming is just not on. He should know by now that it is cruel to be putin me behind videogames, especially this sort. We have always had a healthy sex life too so I have no idea why he feels the need to be playing out fantasies to this extent rather than speaking to me and making suggestions.

Anyway, if you have made it to the end, thank you for reading. Any insight would be appreciated.

My main issue is not that he shouldn't be doing any of this at all, but rather why is he doing it to such an extent and lying to me so much when he knows I have already been put through hell before from his deception. And why does he turn it back around onto me and everyone else when it comes to how many hours he spnds gaming.

Thanks for reading.

Polga
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Welcome Lileth

Welcome Lileth

I am hearing that your husbands excessive game play and obsession with erotic online games is making you feel that you are not that important to your husband. That he is putting so much gaming before you and does not consider your needs. That he is acting in a self centred way. You have so much in common with the other spouse members who feel the same way.

I don't know if he is addicted or just being a selfish so and so. If he is addicted, then self interest and ignoring the needs of the spouse are part of that territory. Addicts who are fully acting out in their addicition and in denial, are sick people with a brain rewire that cannot empathise because of the damage done. Sometimes they do not realise the damage to others that is caused as a result of this. Sometimes they do realise the spouse is being neglected but have no lasting control over if they game or not. It's a sad situation.

If he does not feel any consequences for his behaviour then he will continue to do what pleases him or what he is compelled to do.

Whatever is the 'reason' for his behaviour we cannot control people . We can have boundaries about the way people treat us and what we expect from a relationship. We can decided to have an awesome life by doing the things we want to do with or without the partner. We can find support elsewhere. Make new friends. We can detach from their choices in or out of the relationship.

To find peace you will have to work on yourself, your understanding and your attitudes, by reading for self-help or by professional therapist

I would encourage you to keep coming back to read the stories of other spouses and how they cope with their problem.

 

 

 

INFO

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KittensMakeMeSquee
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I can relate to your post. I

I can relate to your post. I'm not in a position to give advice as going through similar myself ( I was fine with my boyfriends gaming, as excessive as it has anyways been , until he befriended and subsequently met up with a troubled 18 yr old girl - he is 30).

I know the kinds of games that you speak of. Occasionally my boyfriend plays them too and yes, he finds it arousing. I kind of laugh it off but I dont really get it. I wonder if your husband is hiding it from you purely because he knows you wouldn't approve yet doesn't want to cut down on these games.

I think you and I are in a similar situation, ie we were accepting of our partners being gamers but then there was a step too far which then makes the gaming as a whole feel bothersome.

Its very frustrating. I'm trying my best to turn a blind eye and focus on my own projects. Its all you can really do I think, unfortunately!

Lilith
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Thanks for the replies. I

Thanks for the replies. I spoke to him about it and told him how it made me feel when he hides things. I asked him what he got out of it and it was purely just for entertainment because he couldn't spend time with me. Mentioned he was embarrassed for playing them and I assured him its okay so long as he doesn't neglect our marriage or the house and friends for it. I THOUGHT we were all good, and hadn't even worried about THAT aspect of his gaming (he's just been on fallout 4 30 plus hours a week since then).
Until tonight, when I discovered he's signed up to 'meet 'n' ****' a multiplayer online interactive game..... Can't tell how much/if he's played it, but he's created his avatar. So that was a bit of a blow, but at this stage I'm used to it and not reacting so badly. Not much emotion this time, just thinking he has issues he's not telling me and if he'd rather live in the gaming world instead of reality with me then I had better consider what my next steps are to either fix it or leave. I DID ask if he was playing multiplayer ones when we spoke and he was like 'oh god no, that would be weird, like cheating'.... So yeah not impressed right now. He has a separate bank account to our joint one so am curious as to what I would find there too. Thanks for reading if you've got this far lol.

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