More lies but also some triumphs

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Sylvia
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More lies but also some triumphs

It's been a while since I've posted, so I wanted to share what has been going on and some of the triumphs and tribulations I have experienced with my gamer BF.

We have had two counselling appointments with a new (and male) counsellor. The first appointment was a disaster because, for some reason, the counsellor was focused on my anxiety and we did not get to the gaming at all. Apparently this (I found out later) is because when someone presents with anxiety, the counsellor has to try to deal with that first. Okay, makes sense. 

Anyway, the BF in his manipulative glory, twisted it around and said to me after we left that ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS are because I have anxiety and not at all because of the gaming. This was such a flagrant misinterpretation not only of fact, but also of the counselling appointment, that I could hardly believe what I was hearing. My anxiety (and anger/frustration) got the better of me and I had several panic attacks after we got home. The BF was very good at helping me through them (even though he triggered them). The second counselling appointment was a little better, but we still didn't get to the gaming. It does, however, seem like the counsellor is positioning himself to say that we need couple time and me time and that the latter can be whatever we choose. Obviously, he would choose the gaming. I have already set out clear boundaries with my BF that if he wants this relationship, then no more MMO games. He hasn't played in over a month, but has not committed to quitting either. If the counsellor brings this up as a "solution", then I am going to look like the bad, unreasonable one when in reality, I have bent over backwards putting up with years of BS because of the gaming. I am not feeling good about this at all.

The other thing that happened (about a month ago) was that the BF left his computer screen on and when I went to shut it off, I saw that he had downloaded a new MMO game. I was not snooping, I literally just spotted the icon as I was about to turn the monitor off to save power. When I CALMLY asked him about it, he freaked out and ran to his parents' house. Then he accused me of snooping. Tried to explain what happened, but he wouldn't listen. So it's another lie from him because he told me that he's "too busy" to even think about gaming and he's definitely "too busy" to think about whether or not he'll commit to not playing MMOs anymore. Obviously that's not true because he downloaded an MMO game. I know he hasn't played it because the game wasn't set to be released for another month. He could be playing it over at his parents' with the rest of the gaming addicts, but I asked him and he said, "No." He has been dishonest, but has never told a bold-faced lie, so I believe him.

And since I am tried of providing love, support, tenderness and encouragment that is never returned, I have decided to back off. Lately, my BF never initiates hugging, kissing, hand-holding, affirmations or any other shows of affection. If I initiate, he'll respond, but often it will be clipped and usually it will feel forced. After hearing some particularly hurtful things he said in counselling, I decided I wouldn't bother with him anymore. I don't know if this is "detaching", and although it is really sad, it makes me feel more emotionally resilient. I was tired of feeling neglected AND rejected all the time. So now that I am not putting myself out there, I'm no longer being rejected, and I can just go about my business feeling neglected. I don't invite him to my soccer games (he never comes anyway) and I don't ask him to spend time with me. If he asks, I will spend time with him, but this rarely happens. I just don't put myself out there for him anymore. He hasn't said "I love you" in over two weeks because I haven't said it first. He hasn't held my hand, hugged me or kissed me in about the same amount of time. We have had sex twice. He tried to make a joke about me not being interested in him and I just said that I decided to back off and give him some space because it seemed like that's what he wanted. He got all huffy; I then said something about how I have been feeling unwanted for months and that I was tired of always being the one to do everything and that he never noticed until I stopped initiating things. But the irony was lost on him because he said that was rubbish and that he "always" hugs and kisses me etc. 

The last thing I wanted to bring up (my posts are always so long) is so frustrating and ridiculous it's almost comical. So my BF is in college right now and is taking one online course over the summer. He has (as per usual) not spent more than about three or four hours on his class, choosing instead to be lazy and watch stupid videos on YouTube and run over to his parents' house for 6+ hours at a time. Now that they are a month in, he has a big assignment due that he is trying to pump out in a day. This happened all last semester because of the gaming. There were a few times last semester when he seemed to realize the hole he dug for himself. He would complain that he had been irresponsible and should have worked harder at school and so on but then he would blame it on me and say he couldn't concentrate because I was stressing him out. HAHAHAHAHA. This time, I have not bothered him at all. I have not had any panic attacks in over a month. We have not had any major fights (just some bickering) in over a month. He works only three days a week and mostly does nothing else but ignore me, watch YouTube, hang out with his family, and complain that he isn't doing X, Y and Z like he should be. I called him on it a few times, but same thing: He blames me and says he "can't concentrate" because of our problems. Zero accountability.

The detaching has made me feel really sad, but it has also given me strength. That's all for now.

 

Polga
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Thanks for sharing your

Thanks for sharing your update Sylvia. It's good that detachment is helping you feel better in yourself and reducing stress.

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kurra_gurl
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I left a very long, wordy

I left a very long, wordy rant as well. Even if nobody responds, it is nice to type it all out somewhere where someone might read the words and feel the same feelings you are. My siuation with my bf isn't quite like yours, we haven't gone to see counselors. In fact, other than our last argument we had about him playng video games about two months ago, I haven't even bothered bringing it up again. I decided to begin detaching myself, because whenever the video games do get brought up, he someone manages to not hear me or he changes the subject, or he just outright says something that turns the tables and makes me feel crazy for suggesting he plays too much. 

Last night he got upset that I didn't respond to his advances on me, but to be honest, lately, I'm not even attracted to him. I have tried to explain to him that going from not speaking to your bf at all because he's been on the computer all day, and then he comes up to you and tries to have sex....doesn't turn me on. That is no way to have a healthy relationship. He is just oblivious to my concerns and my feelings. I'm hoping to bring it up to him that I have begun to look for another apartment soon, I just am waiting for a good time. 

Basically....all I can say is, I know how sad and how hard it is to start to detach from someone. It's easy to just tell someone else how unhealthy their relationship is when you are on the outside. Your boyfriend sounds like he was super lucky with you, and you could definitely do better. But of course, it's much easier said than done to just up and leave someone who you have devoted so much of your emotional energy on. 

I know people on here say you cannot change an addict. It's true. But it's so easy to see it as you helping them by trying to stick around with them through this experience...however, we have to remembern ourselves. I have been struggling lately with my own decisions now that I am detaching. I have a desire to stay with him, but such strong desires to not ever have to think about a boyfriend who loves video games more than me. It sucks ether way. No choice will be easy, but it will make us grow and adapt. 

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