Finally cut the last sinewy strings

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Azzle
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Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Finally. I finally did it. You're all gonna laugh... but I finally deleted my last add-on program for WoW. Sheesh

It took me almost precisely 6 months to quit the game, but I've been perusing the forums and websites ever since, (12 months!). Mind you, the first step WAS good. Quitting the game cut my "on the internet" time from ~9 hours a day to ~4-5. But four hours a day! For a full year! What a colossal waste of time.

Well it's over. I've managed to delete the addons, and stopped going to the compilation sites. I'm now feeling more and more out of touch with the forums, and I hope the trend will continue. Praise God for freedom. I'm down to about 2 hours online, and last night that included 1 hour of email and 1 hour of World cup coverage. (My Argentina lost to the oddly razzle dazzle Germans, who are normally a stingy bunch.)

Now I'm almost at a loss of what to do with myself, even moreso than most people. (Extenuating circumstances I'll get into later.) Any suggestions for the summer? (Besides work, already have that.) I'll allow "uneducated suggestions" before I bias you with more info. Thanks all!
- azzle

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Since this is separate, I've added a reply to my own post.

Standard: 22, male, going into final year of university. That'll help you understand the rest.

Attributes:
Where to start? I'll concentrate on the most obvious of each category.
I've recently come out of a clinical depression, and my personality is beginning to reassert itself, making me once again:
1) Determined, always was, always will be,
2) Sensitive, particularily in comparison with other guys, two edged sword as I'm both sensitive to others but can also be too easy to hurt. Which can be and odd pairing with-
3) Perceptive and Mentally Agile, I have the ability to read intents and motives more than others seem to. Comes out in the fact that I'm always the first to smell a rat. Also helps in cracking Puns and One Liners. Can be bad in that I use the ability to sometimes be a little more manipulative myself. Guess it's good that I reign myself in with my-
4) Devotion, to a fault. Thank the Creator I'm taken by Christ or I'd be a hellion in the worst way. Praying that I will have the same devotion to my future wife. Can be bad in that I find it hard to let go.
5) Always Thinking, to the point of brooding. Combines oddly with #3 as I can have an overactive imagination, but also have the tendency to be considered "smart". I find it very difficult to "turn the brain off". Heck, my relaxation times are reading and playing games.
6) Competitive, need to work on this one. Sometimes I come off as too competitive, too stubborn, too anything. Paid off well in sports though, I was a bull dog in hockey and soccer and my teammates and coach knew it.
7) Theatrical. Good for telling stories and having a good time. Bad for if I become upset. I've managed to wring the most out of this one as I love musical theatre, and have taken great care not to "overdo" it in real life. Using #1 I refuse to be one of those people who makes mountains out of molehills.

I suppose this is an incomplete list. But it lists some of the attributes that can be both good and bad.

As for interests, I can nix MMO's for good now. /cheer

1) Running, swimming and biking... natural progression here. /grin. Too bad I don't have money for a good road bike, racing spans or good sneakers.
2) Hockey, Volleyball and Soccer. A little Football. Would rather play than watch, which is better for my health too.
3) Singing, Acting, Dancing. Lumped them together as they all mesh well in musicals. Although I definitely do singing and dancing separately from the others.

Goals. Here comes the big ones that scare me. Looking for chronological order here.

1) Moving out on my own. Deadline: end of summer. Shouldn't be too much problem, right? Especially for me, I was the kid that absolutely NEVER had home sickness. I very much enjoyed being away. Except last time I tried to move I was already deep in depression. Moving made it worse, so I'm trying to deal with irrational fears now. Still praying for peace about this one.

2) Applying to Pharmacy. Deadline: Middle of winter. Implicit in this is also acing my last year of school to prove to myself that what happened can be changed. At the same time I don't want to place TOO much pressure. This'll be an interesting balancing act.

3) Moving to a new town entirely. Deadline: Next fall
No Med/Pharm schools within 6 hours. I'll be moving a fair distance. Will be the first time I'm out and away from my parents in a long distance way for a long period of time. Shouldn't have too much trouble, but same issue as #1

4) Engagement. Deadline: I wish I knew. I'd ask her now if I thought she'd say yes. But she's 18 and needs time. I respect that. She's mature beyond her years, and wiser too. The irony here is she's the one among her friends who is capable of living on her own/with a spouse, but she's the only one who doesn't see it. Due to the nature of my needing to move away, I'm looking for a timeline and it's REALLY hard to see one. I want to know how fast/slow to move, but I have no way of knowing where our education will take us. Guess this one needs more thought and prayer.

Edited by: Azzle at: 7/2/06 14:21

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Copy pasting my post from "spiritual discussions". I feel it's appropriate here as it pertains to my "progress"

Please pray for me. I'm currently at home with torn ligaments in my knee. My girlfriend is gone for 6 weeks with no contact, and my parents are on vacation for another 4.

I'm not worried about getting back into gaming as, well, I just know. I refuse to go to any sites that might even encourage it.

Here's the issue. My girlfriend went to Zambia on a wonderful missions trip. I fully believe God wants her there. So to fill my time I went to work as a lifeguard, (been one for 7 years now.) at a Christian camp. In theory, I wanted to fill my time as much as I possibly could. The less time I had, the better. I didn't want to miss her.

Within the first week, due to circumstances beyond my control, I snapped ligaments in my knee. Now I'm facing exactly what I feared this summer. I have too much time, and nothing I can do. I'm not allowed to volunteer or work with kids. (Again, my knee.) I'm stuck at home, laid up, and trying desparately to make sense of it.

Don't get me wrong. I know God is testing my faith and patience. I know that all discipline at the time is painful. But I'm worried like you wouldn't believe.

You see, last summer at this time I was diagnosed with clinical depression. (My game addiction and depression fed off each other at the time.) I kicked the habit and went to the doctor. My girfriend was incredible in helping me cope. As were her parents, my parents and of course God himself was merciful. Now I'm facing the same situation minus the game. I'm scared. I'm trying with all my might to belive that God has done this for good reasons. I know He has a plan; but I'm still terrified. I'm fearful that by the time my parents/girfriend come home I'll once again be a broken, (not in the spiritual sense), incapacitated man. I don't want that. I'm praying against it with all my might. I'm reaching out to friends I haven't seen/talked to in a while. I'm in the word. I'm praying fervently.

Please pray for me. Pray that I will develop good, close, deep relationships with some other people. I let too many of them go during depression and now that those I'm close to are elsewhere I'm feeling very much alone.

Pray that I will be grounded deep within God's word and His love. Pray that I will experience it in new ways.

Pray that my knee will heal. Underlying all of this fear is a fear of never healing properly. For those of you who don't know, I played multiple sports in high school, (Soccer, Hockey, Volleyball, and Track and Field). My worst fear was losing the use of my legs. :/ My girlfriend loves badminton, and it's the principal way I was able to get her to be physically active again. If either my ACL or MCL don't heal properly, such a rapid back and forth sport will be out of the question. The last thing I want to do is disappoint her.

PLEASE pray. Pray for miracles, pray fervently, I don't care how. Cerebrally I know God will bring me through. I just hope my heart will listen.

Most of all pray that I will pull through in this test of faith. My days have been up and down like a roller coaster. I'm feeling very emotionally vulnerable. I've gone from crying for an hour at a time. To praising God in song. I could use a little stability

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

So I've been reading a devotional lately called "Pierced by the Word". Today's devo didn't "hit home" especially hard like some others have. Nor did it cause me to wrestle as deeply as others.

What it DID do was confirm something I've been thinking all along. It was about the trivialness of TV. How any time we're watching the thing, there's something more creative and more satisfying that we could be doing. The trouble is we opt for the lazy and trivial.

I'd already been curbing my computer and TV use quite severely. This all while my parents and girlfriend are away and I'm home alone with a broken leg. This devotional has spurred me farther. I am not to "play" computer at all, and I'm going on a severely anemic diet of TV. Namely:
1) I will allow myself to watch the news for MAXIMUM Half an hour a day, including computer or TV. and
2) I will allow a movie IF and ONLY IF a) I am enjoying someone elses company and b) I have determined they'd rather not play a card/board game, talk, pray and read God's word, do something outside or go somewhere.

This will be an interesting resolution to say the least, the ironic part being that it might be harder to do once my girlfriend get's home in August as she enjoys watching movies. I have a feeling we'll be able to come up with a compromise. Who knows, maybe she'll have come to the same conclusion?

Please keep praying for me folks. God is doing a work in me. It hurts, but I hope one day I'll see it as worth it.
- Jordan

Edited by: Azzle at: 7/13/06 8:53

Xandtar
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Good for you!

Sorry I can't say more, I'm pressed for time, but I wanted you to know you're not posting in a vacuum...

Good luck to you.

Leveling in Real Life

lizwool
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Jordan,

How are you doing. Sorry about your injury.

Keep us posted on what you are doing now-adays.
I would like to speak with you.

Liz

Liz Woolley

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Liz, you asked/implied three questions in that post. I'll try to answer all of them. HOW I'm doing is a bit of an up and down thing, although it IS steadily improving. I'm down to one crutch outdoors and none indoors. Thank the Lord. I do still need to wear my brace when I'm not resting/sleeping, which kind of stinks since it's not a malleable brace and force-holds my knee at a 10 degree angle. This isn't conducive to sitting... So I just take it off when I sit.

I must say God has definitely been teaching me in this time. At one point I wrote down all my fears and frustrations from the most petty to the most dire. I then prayed about each one. Lately I wrote down a list of all the things God has been teaching me, and the second list is longer than the first.

Simple, obvious things like patience, and compassion for those who are injured. But due to the fact that my girlfriend is up, mobile and serving in a very active manner God has also been teaching me contentment despite my circumstance. This is due to the fact that I've had to fight jealousy. After all, I wish I could be in Zambia too right? Well, as it turns out, God knows I'm good with long days of hard but satisfying jobs and evangelism. Why would He teach me something I've "mastered"? I learned that from 5 years at a Christian camp.

Instead He's been working on my weaknesses: learning patience, learning contentment (not jealousy), compassion, humility, quiet wisdom, trust and faith even when it doesn't fit logically. Lastly learning complete and utter dependance on him, not on my fitness, not on my girlfriend, not in my parents, on Him. In all likelyhood He could've taught these another way, but I wasn't listening very well. So, out came the rod.

As for "what" I'm doing. It takes a fair amount of effort now to stay in shape. And I'm just hitting the "active" physio stage, regaining my lost balance and 25% muscle mass in my right leg. So I'm doing a fair amount of regular exercise. I've been studying Proverbs and Job quite extensively, as well as the books "Pierced by the Word", "My Utmost for His Highest", and "The Bondage Breaker". I called two "old folks" homes where I plan on volunteering to read to/listen to/play games with the residents. This is to both do something profitable and to stop with the "poor me" syndrome. Lastly I've been trying to rebuild friendships with friends who I let go during my depression last year.

Which brings me to another point. While at the doctor today, I told him about my symptoms, and he prescribed a mild anti anxiety drug. He told me to only fill it once, and to take it until I'd settled down a little, then wean off. Basically as a measure to avoid depression before it hits. I'm kinda glad he took the time to explain what type of drug and why he wanted me to take it. At least I know he's not just pushing pills. He wouldn't have bothered prescribing anything if this weren't happening so close on the heels of a former bout of depression.

So good physio news and a helpful doctor helps me feel a little better. God is good. He was good before this all happened. He was wise and good during it and I know He will continue to be good.

-Jordan

Edited by: Azzle at: 7/14/06 23:30

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

It happened. I still don't know exactly what. I'm gonna have to pray about it.

But I wrestled. In my mind. It was like a fierce battle in there. For days I have been lonely and forlorn. I have been watching with alarm as my appetite plummeted, forcing myself to eat properly. I've been to the doctor, the physio clinic, called up counselors.

Then this morning during devotions the confusion hit. I've experienced this before, a year or two ago, and I eventually gave up devotions. Sad eh? But before you pass judgement, please realize that I wrestled for months, years before I did. Forever crying out to God.

These past three weeks my devotions have been for the most part, unnattacked. Then today it hit. I tensed up, it felt like there was a fire in my stomach that almost hurt. Distraction poured down on me, and confusion in my head. But I resisted, I stayed and fought. I depended fully on God, knowing I was inadequate. Then another fire I felt in me. It was deeper, but less obvious. I became angry, and cried out to the Lord. I was writing furiously in my journal. Then a small release and I was reading uninhibited, fast paced. The anger came to my lips and honestly think I felt what David felt when he said his tongue grew hot within him. I commanded a demon to flee. I AM RELEASED

I realize this sounds incredibly over dramatic and insane to all of you. But I don't care! Oh how long I've been ruled by caring what people thought! How long has my life been ruled by what I feared! I'm FREE! I'm FREE PRAISE GOD, PRAISE GOD, PRAISE GOD!

For so long I was under attack and didn't recognize it. I laboured under delusion and deception, believing myself to be the cause of the problems. In one sense I was, I let evil spiritual forces in my life rule my decisions by fear, not recognizing the truth of their presence. I had the power of Christ within me, and He defeated satan on that third day when He rose in power. Satan was a defeated foe, yet I tried to fight him with fleshly power, and was deceived.

He whom Christ sets free is free indeed! I have a feeling this battle is just begun. Time to go rummage for my armor.
- Freed

Edited by: Azzle at: 7/16/06 8:14

Nalaminu
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Praise God! I know you have been struggling, Jordan. I will continue to pray for you!

Mary

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

I've made up my mind. I know I'm too alone. It's gonna be awkward but I've got to do it. I've gotta call up a friend and ask to stay with them for a couple nights this week, maybe next. I don't want to impose on anyone, but I need the contact. Currently praying for receptiveness.

I also have afriend who is going to drive me to get my meds tomorrow. Hopefully within a week those'll start kicking in. I've been praying and searching, now it's time to take some action.

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

I got the OK from one source to head back to camp, now I just need to wait for the orthopaedic surgeon. That'll likely mean another week or two wait, or that He'll let me go back to very light duties. Either way, Lord be praised.

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Hi Jordan,

How are you doing?

Do you have some good books to read, as you recover?

I just read one, called "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. It is a Near Death Experience (NDE) book.
I thought it was very good. He hurt his leg really bad.

I am glad you are coming here and posting.

Liz

Liz Woolley

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

The last couple days have been rough. I have such a tight chest I can't eat and it's getting harder to breathe. It's like a perma anxiety attack. Breathing exercises help short term. The Fear, Discouragement, Loneliness, and Worry are just bearing right down. It hurts physically now. I'm filling out a form to volunteer at an Old folks home. I'm taking medication. I'm on the verge of asking Mom and Dad to come home. This is unbelievable. I feel so... I don't know how to describe it.
- Jordan

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Jordan,
Sorry to hear about your pains.

It is okay to ask to come home, isn't it? (It is good to have that safe place to go, if we need it. Be glad you are not an orpan.)

Volunteering helps. It keeps your mind off of yourself. Here is something I read that makes sense

Quote:"If any man would come after me, let him deny himself" MATTHEW 16:24

The gospel gift that is the greatest blessing is that we have been set free from ourselves.

Christ has not delivered us merely to love ourselves, but to free us from self-obsession.

The cross does not free us for the ego trip but from it.

Our recovery lifts the burden of our own selves.

The great Albert Schweitzer gives us the antidote to pride, this dead-end.

Open your eyes and look for some person, or some work for the sake of humanity, which needs a little time, a little friendliness, a little sympaA,Athy, a little toil.

See if there is not some place where you may invest your self. Be it with OLGA or at a homeless shelter, or at an old folks home.

Every post presents an opportunity to escape from the prison of self and give a little to others.

The core of health and recovery is freedom from the prison of the self. Every other person we meet is our potential deliverer and rescuer.

0 holy Jesus, draw me out of myself to the freedom of sharing and caring for others. Amen.

I hope this helps, Jordan.

Liz

Liz Woolley

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Ideed Liz, hence why I'm trying to get to volunteer at the Old folks home. I've had to fight the urge to think of it as "self improvement" though. Sheesh, I go to volunteer and the first thing I think of id myself.

I think you misunderstood the coming home part. I'm home... they're out on vacation. Hence why it would be a struggle for me to ask. I did in a roundabout way, but thankfully Mom said "no". She did however help me. The panic attack got so bad I had the tingling going on that precedes fainting. I caught it in time. mom then gave me some suggestions for dealing with it.

Back to your final point. You're absolutely right. I was planning on working at a camp before this blasted knee injury, and hence to give of myself that way. I just need to learn to do it in other ways now. As I said before though, I now wonder if all the times I've worked at a camp were because I expected to "get something out of it". Ie. I was using volunteering for a sense of self worth. Hopefully I'll break this selfish reasoning at the same time that I can focus on the old-folks' needs.

I'll make it. This is only for a season, and the more I let God teach me through it, the more I'll carry with me to further his goals. Working on the humility to be more like Christ without taking undue pride in it... What a paradox!

Xandtar
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

It is encouraging to read your story day by day.

I wish you all the best.

Good luck to you.

Leveling in Real Life

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

So I finished "The Bondage Breaker" by Neil T. Armstrong. Good book. Now I'm 3/4 of the way through another by David Jeremiah (Slaying the Giants in Your Life). Combined with some heavy scripture reading due to time, God has convicted me time and again. He has tested me, wow. I never knew I'd learn so much in such a time of waiting. He truly knows what He is doing.

I only hope and pray that I can incorporate such lessons and qualities into my life.
- Jordan

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

God has answered one prayer. I go to get my MRI on my knee this coming Monday at 2:30. The hospital said that it takes a good while, so bring my favourite CD.

My meds have kicked in, and after having read the side effects I now know that the panic attacks and *some* of the emotional disturbance was from the drug. (In addition to a broken knee, future uncertainty, parents and gf not here, inactivity and former emotional trouble. )

The camp board has also agreed to pay me my summer salary, so I WILL be able to afford my last year of biochem in the fall. Praise the Lord.

I have a medium sized bump on the inside of my injured knee and the physiotherapist thinks it might be my tibia out of place. Or it could be a bunyon/swelling. I know which one I'm praying for!

If my ACL is injured the doctor has basically guaranteed surgery, as he feels I have a great chance of recovery due to age (22) and my weight/healthy lifestyle.

So that leaves the fact that I'm still very much alone, which I've been working on. I called up a 55 year old couple who have agreed that they'd like to see a little more of me. They're sort of like second parents/grandparents to me, and I lost most contact during my depression last year. As a result they say I'm welcome any evening, which has been a wonderful standing invitation. I've taken them up on it 3 times in a week. I hope I don't wear out my welcome

I'm also trying to build/rebuild friendships with 6 or 7 friends from high school. 3 have been very open and receptive. An additional one will be, but he's rather busy. The remainder seem very occupied with their lives, so I'll keep a small contact and hope one day they need me in return. They're all working and two have gotten married, so it can be daunting.

There's absolutely NO cure for missing my girfriend however. After having sorted through everything I can honestly say that the emotional trouble has mostly cleared up. It returns a little, but it's nothing God hasn't strengthened me for. But the longing is incredible. I managed to limp down the street to the river today, and sat there and composed two, no, three "2 page" love letters today. I cried during all of them. Sheesh, as if being an emotional guy isn't enough.

So guys and gals. I'm still missing my girlfriend who won't be home for another month. Any suggestions for a guy who's blue?

Xandtar
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Well lets see, I haven't seen my wife since May... and won't see her for another month.

Hey, you just get by, keep busy, do what you have to do, every day, and the month will take care of itself.

Life gets faster as you get older, I believe because its easier all the time to be patient as time passes. For me, the thought of being away from her and my son for another month is annoying, but certainly not the crisis you are having.

But hey, if all is well between you, think of it this way, it will make the reunion all that much sweeter.

Good luck to you.

Leveling in Real Life

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

ok, I was just whinning on another board because my husband is working two jobs this month and I never get to see him. but now reading what you two guys are going through I realize I need to be thankful that at least he is sleeping next to me each night even if it is only for four hours and it will be over in a week. I can't wait!

Hang in there Jordan, I am glad to hear what God has been doing for you and teaching you durring this time. I too have had some time to do some extra reading, it really has been a blessing. I have already prayed for you and prayed that God will bring you to mind so I may do so again in the future.
His Blessings always,
Debbie

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Believe me Xandtar, it wouldn't have been a crisis for me either if I had been able to DO something. Hence why I wanted to throw myself into work. It's the fact that she/they are gone AND I'm stuck doing absolutely zero.

I've also discovered a new trait in myself. If I'm not active / contributing, my self esteem takes a plunge. I've realized that I have corrolated my "performance" with how "lovable/attractive" I am. Therefore while injured I feel useless, and thus unlovable. It's idiotic I know, but at least I recognize it now. Even more odd, I only hold myself to this standard, as if somehow I have to be "good enough", but no one else does.

Now I'm on to praying about how to get rid of such a distorted thought pattern. I can see how this contributed to such anguish during both depression and this injury.
- Jordan

P.S. Any ideas on ways to woo/wow my girlfriend when she gets back? I've written at least 10 love letters already, at 2 or 3 pages each. I'm in the process of a poem, and am thinking about another. But I'm looking for some other creative ideas. It gives me something to do in addition to physio / weights / reading.

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

I know you have been doing alot of reading already but I would like to suggest a Brennan Manning book 'The Raggamuffin Gospel' if you haven't read it already. It really helped me realize how deeply and profoundly God loves me 'just the way I am'. It helped me realize that I don't have to keep trying to be good enough for Him and consequently for other people to love me. I know alot of people that have read it and everyone gets a little something different out of it...give a read if you get a chance

As far as woowing your girlfriend when she gets back, just shower her with attention, which sounds like it will be easy for you to do (hehe) and make her laugh! us girls love a guy that makes us laugh and makes us feel special.

Debbie

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Brennan Manning!

I'm right in the middle of ""Posers, Fakers, and Wannabes." by the same guy. You're quite right. He's an excellent author.

Heh, lots of attention coming right up, I'm just scared of seeming needy. She is, after all, going to be extremely tired and everyone's going to be wanting to know "how it went". I've already decided to tell her that I won't pry into her experience, but I am also EXTREMELY interested and want to learn from her time in Zambia.

I'm already making sure that try to refocus my attitude from "My needs and fears" to "Her needs", as this tends to work far better. :P I've actually started a journal, so that she can simply read that if she wants to know what happened with me.

I also know that her family will want time with her, and I don't want to interfere that way. It's going to be relatively tough to balance. Not to mention she's going to be suffering reverse culture shock.

Thank you for your prayer! God is still working on me, and I need to remember that He is Lord of my life, not my fears, my girlfriend, or anyone else for that matter.

I'm glad to hear it's only a week left for you! I'm looking at 25 days and counting. Thankfully my parents return before then. That'll give me a little rebalancing.
- Jordan

Edited by: Azzle at: 7/24/06 16:38

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

C'mon anyone else have any ideas for wooing my girlfreind in absentia? (No contact, this is all prep stuff).

Nalaminu
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

I like your ideas of love letters and poetry. How about burning her a CD of songs that make you think of her? I am not personally into getting a lot of material things, but I am sure she would appreciate a single red rose when she gets home.

Mary

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Alright, so single red rose or bouquet? As for CD burning's, I would, but I don't exactly have a great collection of love songs... I think perhaps it's time I started a collection.
- Jordan

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

I have read 3 of Brennan books this year! I hope you continue to enjoy him as well.

The time thing does sound like it may be difficult, but it also sounds like you have a very good perspective on it. Really, I have to agree with what has been said already, the poems and letters are a great idea and of course you can't go wrong with roses! I had a guy give me a CD of love songs once and I really enjoyed it . Just follow your heart Jordon, it sounds like you have a good one trust it!

Hang in there!
Debbie
(Three more days till my sweetie is home!!!)

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Jordan,

How soon is it before your girlfriend comes home?

Liz

Liz Woolley

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

August 18 Liz. Oh what a day that will be.

And yet I fear that she will have moved on. It's like my mind composes all the worst case scenarios. Please pray that I get a grip on these fears. They don't control me like they used to, but I don't want them at all.
- Jordan

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Oh Jordan,

Have you had any contact with her?

Relationships can be so cool, but they can be scary, too.

Our minds do have a way of running off into directions we fear to tread. I don't know that we can ever get away from those thoughts. Writing them in a journal to get them out of your head and yourself will help. I am now carrying my journal with me, just to do that. (I am writing in it every hour, but than they seem to go away.) Keep taking deep breaths. You are worth this, Jordan!

I will pray for you.

Liz

Liz Woolley

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

No contact beyond letters we wrote to each other the first week of the ordeal.

shiva
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

The best present you can give to your girlfriend is to ever go on and become a better and better person day by day.

Get well

Maxim

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What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Maxim, that's the second comment like that today, are you the new Dalai Lama?

shiva
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

I am trying

Looking for a job opening as a prophet.

Seriously: I really think the way I write, so now you will probably see many such comments.

Just came back from a one month long trip to a yoga conference and a seminar, so my mind even fuller of spiritual thoughts than it usually is.

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Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

I originally posted this under the "Escapism" thread in General Discussion. I realize it has relevance here.

The "original question" mentioned in the first sentence was. "So now that I realize I am an Escapist, how do I fight/work with it?"

"I asked the question this morning and have been supplied with the answer throughout the day.

I see the underlying root causes. I didn't HAVE to go back to 10 years old to do it, but it helped me see my problem. Due to circumstances at that time in my life, I CHOSE (ie. my own choice, noone forced me) to believe that:
1) Noone understood me / my pain
2) I wasn't good enough to be loved the way I was
3) I had to earn approval through being better than everybody at everything.

This caused isolation and a complete lack of intimacy. It also caused plummeting self esteem as I had to be better at everything, and allowed all sorts of fears, anxiety, envy and jealousy to take root.

It's these fears etc. that I first allowed myself to feel last month. I immediately went in search of the source. Ironically the answer was right in front of me, and I knew it intellectually. But being the sleuth I am I had to find the "root cause" at the point where it happened I guess.

The other irony is that I didn't need to know "when" it all happened. A simple realization of the lies I believed would've been enough. Ah well, all the better I suppose.

Now I'm at the point where I recognize the lies I believed and the secondary and even tertiary effects from that. Viewed in this light, my behaviour and thought pattern through much of school makes complete sense. My progression from "renaissance man" to "smart college guy" to "gaming addict and depressed" to "alone at home with an injured knee and LOTS of fear" is totally understandable.

So I'm at the threshold. I guess step #1 is to speak truth to the lie:

1) Others have gone through what I've gone through, even if not the "exact same" circumstances. They can feel my pain, and understand a wounded heart.

2) I am loved just the way I am. Even though the world were to turn on me, My Lord and Saviour, my Abba (daddy) would love me. His love constitutes my worth, not because I earned it, but simply because He made me and loves me as I am. In earthly terms, others will love me for who I am, not what I've done. If not, they're not necessarily worth listening to.

3) This also means I am "lovable" just the way I am. I don't need to earn it. In fact, I can't. Nothing that I do will make God love me more, or less for that matter. This also applies to my family and close friends who, while not as infallible as God, will love me through any circumstance.

Oi. You know, it's easy to SAY it. How do I make myself BELIEVE it? I feel that operating under these new rules will be ket to my success."

-Jordan

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Totally agree with everything you wrote Jordan, I too had that progression from renaissance man to smart college guy to depressed addict, and I too have discovered for myself the same basical cures as you did now.

Putting them into action every day proved to be much more difficult than I had expected though

Though I am making good leeway lately.

God loves you, your family and your girlfriend love you, you donA't need to prove anything to anybody. Not even yourself. The question is rather: what do you want to do with your life from now on? How will you live it differently...

Max

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What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Indeed Maxim, part of the issue is that I no longer feel the need to prove anything to God, or family. But I AM finding it extremely difficult not to try and prove anything to myself or Robin. Why is it that that still lingers?

I guess (perhaps?) it's because I haven't chosen to forgive myself yet. I spoke truth to the lie, but haven't yet forgiven myself for the years of self-inflicted pain. But my girlfriend? Why is it that I'm so hung up there? I have no reason to "forgive" her of anything, she has been nothing if not a rock.

I guess I still have this overwhelming sense of inadequacy with her. Not the healthy kind. I honestly believe there is a healthy kind that makes us thankful for being loved, as none of us "deserves" it fully. Instead this the kind that has me convinced that she's just "putting up" with me for now... waiting for me to reach a possible potential, or she's gone. Almost as if I'm second best and if something better comes along... bubye. In short I feel SO much "less" than her.

Intellectually I know this isn't the case. If there was an imbalance, it's not as wide a "chasm" as my mind imagines. And even if there WERE an imbalance, love doesn't work like that! Heck, I know this to be true because if the world considered me to be so much "more" than her, I wouldn't care! I love her no matter what the circumstances.

This presents me with an odd quandary. I WANT her to be my sunshine, as any romantic relationship would be. I even want to be thankful every day that she loves me. Both to God and to her. I want to be able to communicate to her every day that my sun rises and sets with her. But I KNOW that this current (emotion?thought process?whatever?) isn't healthy. It causes me to compare myself. It causes bouts of clingy jealousy and even envy of her talents/situation. (I've had to hide and fight both of these sometimes, I'm worried that it'll alarm her. I know now that I have to confess them to her.) It causes me to constantly try and "prove" my worth to her. And every time I "fail" (ex. injured knee=less athletic=failure, even though there's nothing I can do), my self esteem drops further. Fears crop up, and the whole cycle starts anew.

Poor Robin, she never meant to get herself into this. I'd set her free, but I know she wants to be with me. I know full well that she'd rather stay and hope for my recovery than leave. Even IF I were to break up with her to work it out, I have a feeling that I wouldn't be able to truly come to terms, and I'd end up back at sqaure one the moment I started dating anyone else. Or even worse, I'd date someone I wasn't truly attracted to just to make myself feel "worthy". Then I wouldn't truly love them at all. I'd be living a lie.

So I'm in the right place, just can't quite figure out the right process. Or perhaps I keep doing what I'm doing and it will get easier? I'll keep praying about it.
- Jordan

Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

What an oddity, I'm tempted to read about the game again. I've been off of it for over a month now. The game used to be 1)anaesthetic and a place where I could satisfy my need to be "better". Playing 9 hours a day. Then it became fantasy land of dreams, reading about it 4 hours a day. (After quitting.) Then I cut it off. I learned to hate the wasted time.

Now I've got nothing BUT time, and I wonder, is what I'm feeling curiousity? If it is then there's no harm in satisfyng it, leaving, and reading up on the game once a month.

Or this could be my mind allowing it back after repressing it for a month, which means there's no way I fight it unless I face the temptation head on, allow it fully into my brain, then say no.

Either way I REFUSE to live in fantasy land. I think I'll do some soul searching. To be frank I'm not really afraid of being addicted to the game anymore. I'm liking my progress a little too much. Let me know what you folks think.

Oh, and make sure to reply to my last post Max.

-Jordan

shiva
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Quote:

But I KNOW that this current (emotion?thought process?whatever?) isn't healthy. It causes me to compare myself. It causes bouts of clingy jealousy and even envy of her talents/situation. (I've had to hide and fight both of these sometimes, I'm worried that it'll alarm her. I know now that I have to confess them to her.) It causes me to constantly try and "prove" my worth to her. And every time I "fail" (ex. injured knee=less athletic=failure, even though there's nothing I can do), my self esteem drops further. Fears crop up, and the whole cycle starts anew.

I know full well what you are talking about ... I was in a similar situation in 2001/2002.

From what I can see looking back at my progress of the last years, I would say you are on a good path. You need to talk to her about the issues. The current boyfriend of my sis has very similar issues to those you describe, he is smart, cute and has a big heart, still he almost chokes her with jealousy and too much worries.

For me, I think I have almost killed that thing called jealousy inside myself, but that was a long walk, and I am not sure whether it is true or I am deceiving myself, time will show.

I just came back from the black sea, where I fell in love with a girl - she has a boyfriend back home, so our exchange was limited to smiles and hugs and cuddling, deep eye contact and talking... still I am sitting here happy and completely without jealousy, never felt any for the whole time. This does not mean I donA't love the girl, I did not expect to fall in love when I met her, but by now I would marry her on the spot, given the chance (and thats not something I say lightly)

I guess jealousy starts to whither once you get closer to your true self, and realize not only intellectually but also deep down in your heart that god has a special destiny in hand for all of us and that our only task is to curiously discover what wonders each day has at hand for us. And yes, the wonders may be painfull first, but what are a few bruised knees for a few days or weeks, when one gets to ride the bicycle for the whole life afterwards.

I too have been tempted this morning. I have had no single desire to read up on games for a month now, this morning I spent about 2 hours reading gaming news and articles, afterwards installed an old game. Fortunately my PC is bugged by gods own hand, so it threw me back to the desktop a few times and after the 5th time or so I deleted everything again, and am again completely resolved to stay off anything game related forever. It might not work completely this time, but it sure will some day.

Anyway, it was a pleasantly short binge, worked the whole day today. I want to completely cut TV and Games out of my life, with TV I have succeeded, with Games not so far, but maybe tomorrow

Stay on your path, the things you write sound well, but be carefull with not considering yourself addicted anymore. Many, including myself have thought or uttered these words and I found myself some weeks of binging later, wondering what went wrong.

Take care

Max

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Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Heh. You and I are fairly similar. I too have given up games and TV. I allow myself one exception. Jeopardy. Even then I only watch it 3x a week. I'm a trivia buff. It gives me my "fix" and it only costs me and hour and a half a week. Once school starts I have a feeling that 3x will drop even further due to the fact that I won't have a TV at my apartment. Most of my computer time is spent here. Ironically enough I need to cut back, as I'm approaching 2hrs a day.

Yes Max, I sound very similar to you and to your sis's boyfriend. Tell me, were you to give him advice what would you say? And are you willing to go further in depth about how it affected you? (Did it cause your relationship to end?) I'd be up for any experience I can learn from.
- Jordan

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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Quote:

I'd be up for any experience I can learn from.

*smile* ... my NLP trainer gave me a very useful exercise some years ago.

Stand in front of a mirror, look inside your eyes, and say something along the lines "I love you Jordan." Just say the words and feel the effect. Do it multiple times over.

What else ... well, prayer helps obviously. Try not to pray for yourself, but only pray for other people or for God to change you into a better person, so you can better serve others (i.e. like transforming your fear into courage)

Another prayer I love is just "Thank you", if you get to the point where you can honestly say thank you to god for an ordinarily not so happy experience/happening, you have gone a long way.

Beware, what I said is not experience, to anyone but me. For it to become experience to you, you need to try it out

Quote:Tell me, were you to give him advice what would you say? And are you willing to go further in depth about how it affected you? (Did it cause your relationship to end?)

I am not sure what you are asking for. I had one long relationship, which started when I was 17 and which ended whan I was 21, because I was quite a jackass back then. I did not have much respect for people and did not know how to treat my girlfriend (or any other people for that matter) with care and respect. I have been single ever since, I had actively tried to find a girl for a few years, but it was like I was cursed, girls just avoided/ignored me. I have had only a few short relationships, and I have learned a great deal from them (for example that I could not care less about one night stands)

So I had a lot of time to try and find out any flaws in my character and to try and transform them. NLP and Yoga helped a great deal.

Since I have been to Russia last year, I have understood that I had been looking for the right girls in completely the wrong place. (I am a russian, but have been living in Germany for 20 years)

In my dealings with the russian girls, I have also discovered that somehow over the years my character has been transformed into something much more adequate for a relationship. If you were to ask me how, I would say yoga, but it really is just trying to live in a spiritual way. The christian way is at least as viable.

I have stopped lying about a year ago, for a few months I had noticed that often I lie unconsciously, on automatic, but by now it seems like all the tendency to lie has been eradicated in me. Similar things go for agressive thoughts, dealings with my family and friends etc. I simply actively try to be a better person every day.

In Yoga, there are also 10 commandments, that are quite similar to those in the bible:

Yama (code for dealing with other people)

1.Ahimsa - Non violence in every aspect of your life
2.Satya - total truthfullness
3.Asteya - No apropriation or stealing of someone elses stuff/thoughts/ideas
4.Brahmasharya - celibacy, here people argue whether it is just using special techniques to prevent ejacuation and to store up sexual energy in the body, so it can be used for spiritual work, or whether full blown celibacy is meant. I prefer the first interpretation, but circumstantially and temporarily am living the second
5.Aparigraha - non possesiveness, no piling up stuff, not accepting presents (if they bring, as most to, obligations),no buying of 50 pairs of shoes and 3 cars

Niyama (code for dealing with your self)

1.Saucha - mental and physical cleanliness
2.Santosha - contentment, happyness in every situation
3.Tapas - inner fire, willpower to become better (more spiritual) every day
4.Svatyaya - Rigorous and regular self-study, study of sacred literature and learning people who are more progressed on the spiritual path than you are
5.Istvara Pranidhana - devoting your every word and action to god, keeping god in your mind at all times

As you can see, they are not all that different from the 10 commandments in the bible, and if followed literally, like I try to do it they have a great transforming effect on the personality.

By now I more or less feel ready for a relationship. A very usefull skill to develop (it comes on itA's own on the spiritual path it seems) is to be able to love another person completely, the way they are. Many people talk about it and it is very much possible. When I love someone, I love the scars on their body, the quirks in their personality etc. etc. I just choose to love all the things that other people would regard as unlovable.

Then the next step is to extend that total acceptance onto the whole world. CanA't say I already can do this with everyone and everything (George Bush, Marketing people and TV come to my mind ) but I am working on it.

Max

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Azzle
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

Thanks for your prayers and help folks. Sorry I've been absent, although at the same time I'll likely be frequenting this site less than I originally did. As an update, I had my MRI read today.

My meniscus is unhurt, by some miracle of God. This means that all grinding in my knee is as a result of swelling. It also means that I won't be likely to develop early arthritis or many other debilitating conditions. My MCL is repairing and will me mostly done in 2 weeks time.

I currently have no ACL. It tore clean off and does not heal. I will be going for surgery as soon as they allow, which may mean December. It has a 90-95% success rate. I pray for full and complete recovery.

Lastly my muscle wasting has halted, and I'd wager my right leg is about 85% the size and 70% the strength of my left.

My continued discomfort is due to swelling in certain area of the knee, weakened stabilization muscles which are stressed, and "bone bruising" (Which takes up to a year to remove, which means it'll be healed about the same time my surgery will have healed.)

So, praise be to God, as it appears I may heal completely. Praise also that my continued discomfort is only minor problems and not signs of a larger one. Please continue to pray, as I'm nowhere near out of the woods.

As for my mental state, my parents have arrived home and I find myself somewhat more relaxed. It has also helped that my leg seems to be progressing.

I DO find myself fighting my comparitive tendencies and my expecting the worst. My self esteem doesn't just heal on it's own. I still fight the need every day to be "good enough".

Also, due to my MCL being mostly healed I'm going back to work... which means I've been alone with nthing to do all summer... and as soon as my girlfriend arrives home, I have to go. : -->

God has a plan and a reason for everything. I can't complain, after all, my return to work is a GOOD thing right?

I pray that He truly has changed me this summer.
- Jordan

shiva
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Re: Finally cut the last sinewy strings

He has. He does every summer. The question is not whether he talks, but rather who listens...

You have my prayers

Maxim

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What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

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