OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others; what you can do.

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lizwool
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OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others; what you can do.

Welcome to OLG-Anon, Spouses and Significant Others

On-Line Gamers Anonymous is a fellowship of people sharing their experience, strengths and hope to help each other recover and heal from the problems caused by compulsive game playing.

We share what we have done ourselves and what works for us.

As the significant-other of a gamer, there are several things you can do for yourself. You can read about co-dependency, to see if you are enabling your significant-other (by helping him/her, so he/she can continue the game playing). Here is a quote: "What keeps a person playing these games, is the support group around the person. If you want someone to stop an addictive behavior, remove their support system that enables the behavior. Take a look at your own part in this. What are you doing, so this person can continue to play? How are you enabling this behavior? Stop cleaning, paying his/her bills, feeding them. Get them and yourself professional help with this." You may want to go to some Al-Anon groups, to learn about this "enabling" concept, and see how you contribute.

You need to decide if you are going to wait, in hopes that one day your significant-other will just get tired of the game and quit - I have seen this happen many times. If you have to, you can leave for your own survival. If you decide to stay, you will need to learn to depend on yourself for everything and depend on your significant-other for very little.  You will want to work on finding your own peace with or without your spouse. You will make a life for yourself, and let your significant-other live their life. Maybe, one day your significant-other will join you, again.

See if your significant-other will go the www.olganon.org website and visit the Gamer section (under Gamer tab). There are many stories there, about what has happened to others. Have your significant-other look at the gamer's stories, and share his/her story. 

You also go to the message boards and share what is happening to you. Support others as they join our community and share on the message boards. It is by sharing what we have, that we keep it.  Look at the 12-steps and principles. http://www.olganon.org/?q=12_steps_2, How can you work these in your life? By bringing them into your life, you will make it, and have a good life, with or without your gamer.

Come to meetings. Go to the Meeting tab, to find when they are held. If the times are not right for you, start your own meeting at a time you prefer. Let us know, and we will post the meeting and time for you.

Several other things to help you, and your significant-other are:

1)  Professionals Tab:  This has a list of professionals who deal with this gaming issue. You may want to call one of them or someone who is in your area, and share your experience and see what they recommend.

2)  The World News tab: This contains articles that discuss the computer/internet,/gaming/video addiction issue.  See what is happening else where, as a result of these games.  

3)  Educate your self about these games. They are no longer JUST GAMES. Like beverages, that range from water to Everclear (which is 190 proof alcohol) and drugs, which range from aspirin to Methane, Morphine, and Cocaine, games range from games made just for fun (like solitaire, or Mario Brothers games - donkey kong, WII, etc.) to games that have been designed by game developers with degrees in psychology to push Internet gaming to new heights by creating and maintaining highly addictive, immersive and persistent gaming environments" (this is a quote from Sony On-Line president, John Smedley).  Be aware, that some of these games do play MIND games with the person involved. They are designed that way, and need to be treated serious by the person playing them and their family and friends. This knowledge has helped me to turn some of the anger from my addicted son to the gaming companies.  They are getting the reaction from THEIR OWN UNSUSPECTING CUSTOMERS that they planned all along - to become addicted to the games, forsake their real lives, and play, play and play, so the gaming companies make more money - much like drug pushers, although it is illegal for drug pushers to do this.

4)  Keep the computer in a place where you can see them! Get the computer out of the bedrooms. Put it in a social gathering area of the family.

5)  Get your significant-other involved in something in real life that is more appealing than the gaming. Find out what ELSE your significant-other likes, and start doing it with him/her. Expect responsibility of your significant-other while still letting him/her find that "balance" between gaming and real life, if he/she can.

6)  Get rid of the cable modem or DSL and put in a slow dial up modem instead. It is pretty much impossible to play on-line games. You still have access to the internet for e-mails.

7)  Get involved in your Church. The family that prays together, stays together. Ask your God/Higher Power for help with this.

8)  Start keeping a daily log, of EVERY time your significant-other logs on to the computer and when he/she logs out. You may need to get a camera, and put a clock near him/her, so you have it on camera. He/she may be playing, when you are sleeping or at work.  Log what family events they miss by their gaming. Log what they do in their real life, every day. Have this documented. Than show it to your significant-other. You will have a written document that he/she can see what they are missing, in black and white. Total the number of hours per day they played. Make this document as clear as possible so they can really see the impact the gaming is having on their real life, their family and their relationships.

9)  If need be, to help your significant-other get a more balanced life, seek help from a professional therapist or counselor who treats this gaming compulsion SERIOUSLY. BRING THE LOG you created, in the step above, with you, so everyone can see what is really happening here! Go to the Professionals tab, to find a professional therapists who treats gaming issues.

10) Learn about the stages of grief, and mourn for that relationship you once had, that is now gone.  Here are the stages of grief:

  denial: "This isn't happening to me/us" or "This isn't happening again" What you may hear from your partner: "I don't have an addiction", "You can't get addicted to a game, that's ridiculous", "You're imagining things", or the ever famous "You don't know what you're talking about"

  anger: This is the point where you get tired of ignoring or denying the problem and you get mad about the fact that it is happening. You aknowledge the problem and may experience bouts of rage, but may not know how to deal with them. You may even get angry at yourself for allowing the behavior to continue, this is normal. This when alot of fighting with the addict occurs.

  resentment: This is where you start laying blame. You may have thoughts such as "I hate him/her for doing this to me", "If that guild would just shut up I might stand a chance of winning this fight", "How can he/she find a Dark Elf sexier than me??? IT'S A CARTOON !!!!!" and my favorite from when I was dealing with EQ as my addicts object of affection, "What do I have to do? Wear a Gnoll suit to bed??????????". Again, this is normal.

  bargaining: You start trying to make deals with the addict. "How about this, I won't nag you if you promise to only play on weekends" or "If you come hang out with us for a little while you can go play the game after the kids go to bed". Sound familiar?

  acceptance: This is where you start healing and moving forward with your own life. This is where you may begin to let go of some of the rage. Thoughts or feelings you may have may include "Ok, he/she has a problem", "I am not going to be able to change him/her" or "Hey, I know he/she is going to sit there all day, but I am not going to do it with them. I am going to go take the kids to the zoo." It is important to remember that no amount of yelling, screaming, or nagging is going to make your addict change. They have to see the problem for themselves and want to do something to change it. Not all of them will. The only thing you can do is change the way you deal with it until you find the way that works best for you. Please remember that thoughts of violence can be normal and thoughts of cheating may be normal while dealing with an addict but please, do not follow through with them. Acting these thoughts out will only make you feel worse in the end and could get you sent to jail.

11) Here is a post by Jacqueline of LI, NY from the Everquest Widows group: I keep reading so many posts about relationships falling apart, and the truth is I could have written all of them. It is very clear to me that we are all suffering the same problems:

 *Loneliness
       *Sadness 
       *Frustration
       *Abandonment
       *Jealous of a Game
       *Loss of Love
       *Loss of Sex
       *Loss of Interest
       *Shock
       *Angry at a Game
       *Wondering what is wrong with us
       *Why Me
       *Looking for someone to talk to
       *Why Them
       *This isn't the person I married/Fell in Love With
       *Is this all I will ever have?
       *Low Self-Esteem

 
Here is what I have learned:

1 Nothing you do/did/will do/have done-- will get the addict off the game-- so stop blaming yourself

2 They are responsible for their actions- or lack of actions no making excuses for them, they do enough of that for themselves (I work hard, I deserve to relax, just a few more minutes, it's harmless, They are my friends).

3 Get a life for yourself!! If the addict won't get off the game then leave them behind- why should your life be on hold

4 Be good to yourself-- your addict is neglecting you--don't join in and neglect you too!! Do something FOR YOU!!!!

5 If you are married -as I am- You said for better or worse- yes this is the worse, but cheating puts you in the wrong and you Will Feel Worse when it is over. TWO WRONGS never make a right - I know you are hurt- but don't use that to be self-destructive. Our addicts are already doing that- don't follow suit!!!!!!

6 Stop nagging your addict! They will never get off the game until they are ready to. Nothing you say will change how good that game makes them feel- it is filling a need in them usually I find it is a control issue- they are totally in charge of everything inside the world that they created- their way. They are playing with like-minded people who tell them how horrible you are for nagging at them- you can't fight an addiction- but you can change how you respond.

7 NO MORE-- serving them anything while they play! If they are hungry, thirsty, whatever- go get it yourself- I will not make it easy for you to ignore me- I have better things to do- like something for me - call a friend, see a movie, go out dancing, Karaoke, (me, I started my own Jewelry business and I have never been happier. I have loads of friends, places to go, meetings, and positive adults who are happy to see me! Anyone interested can e-mail me at elefun4@aol.com for information- trust me, it's worth it!!)

I would like to encourage everyone here to try to write posts about you. I know we have so many frustrations surrounding our addict-- most of them are the same, but if we are going to support each other then I want to get to know you. This is section is for US! Talk about YOU! You are being shoved aside in your own home in your own life take BACK control and talk about the most important person in the world YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jacqueline LI, NY

12) If you significant-other is willing, make an agreement between the two of you about his/her gaming, so there can be peace in the house.  TRY TO KEEP SOME HUMOR IN THIS! Work on this and create it together, so you both are comfortable with it. Here is a sample one:

DATE:  Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Reserve the right to cancel the account(s) at any point.  The games created now are very addicting and your BF, husbands and wives that become addicted are changed by the game, namely becoming more manipulative and quick to anger. Be honest, lay down ground rules and demand the game leave your life if necessary, for the sake of your relationship. Speaking from past experience if you don't you'll be miserable, he/she'll be miserable and the relationship will suffer. Good luck!"

This "contract" was created "with sarcasm and humor but also a lot of truth and seriousness".

"Throughout this contract you refers to Person A and me refers to Person B. These rules are in no way a means for Person B to control or to limit Person A's fun. They are necessary so that Person A can have his/her fun but also keep a balance in his/her life and keep Person B happy. We both agree that gaming can become a force in one's life, sucking precious time away from more important things. This is a means to prevent that from ever happening again.  

[b]Gaming rules and regulations:

1. Game playtime (including playing, searching websites, ANYTHING GAME related) will be limited to 2 nights during the week (Monday-Thursday) from 7-10pm (in bed no later than 10 30) and one night (Friday or Saturday) no later than 2am.

2. No game activity on Sunday, the ONLY exception to this rule is if during the week you don't get one of your two nights playtime or your late night. The play on Sunday is limited to 3 hours and no play later than 10pm (like weeknight).

3. On the morning after the late night you will sleep no later than 10am.

4. No leaving the GAME screensaver/game up. I don't like it.

5. You will keep an GAME log of all dates and time of activity. Failure to keep an accurate log will result in termination of GAMING account(s).

6. You will ask if there's anything that needs to be done before playing. (chores)

7. You will ask if there's anything I'd rather do before playing.

8. You will only play (pay for) one account.

9. One time a week you agree to do something nice for me that you normally wouldn't (i.e. breakfast)

10. Play of any game is limited to 2 hours per week.

If at anytime you don't comply with the rules we've set forth the account(s) may be terminated. If at anytime your mood changes or you seem to want to play or you ask to play during non-designated time the account may be terminated.

We agree that these rules are in place out of respect for each other and our relationship and as a proactive way to prevent any disagreements, hurt feelings or resentment.

This contract may be updated if necessary and agreed upon by both parties.

_____________________

Person A, gamer

______________________

Person B, anti-gamer

13)  Here is a note from someone who was dumped by a gamer: I got dumped about 3 months ago. I was gutted..... I thought it was my fault and that I was to blame for his playing. Since then I have become me again, I stopped with the obsession about the game and got on with life, I became the woman he fell in love with...and since then he has not played for two months, but repeatedly tried to get me back.

MY advice... think about who you were, who you wanted to be...and maybe he will realise what he is missing..and if he does or he does not...you (I guarentee you, will move on).....This does you more good than it will ever do him (or her I realise and apologise for being sexist) survivors rock...thats why we have the name!

I hope this helps!

Sincerely, Liz

Liz Woolley

Lys
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Re: OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others

My heart is absolutely breaking at the fact that my life with my husband has come to this. He plays 6-10 hours a day and it is killing our family. I am contemplating divorce, I am so sad and lonely. We have four children, and they rarely see their Dad without his laptop in front of him. He says that our house is too messy and chaotic and that he plays to "survive".

I spoke to him calmly about his gaming addiction the other day, and he has made a small effort to pay more attention to me and the kids, but I suspect that he left for work early today so he could sneak in some more time online. He usually plays for a couple hours each morning and then as soon as he gets home at night he plugs in. I've read a lot of good books in the last year, but I am getting lonely for my mate. He has even stopped initiating intimacy, though if I throw myself at him he doesn't say no.

sigh, I don't know what to do.

Lys

shiva
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Re: OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others

Lys, welcome.

As you undoubtedly have seen, you are not alone. Read around, see how others have dealt with such a situation.

The only thing that I could say from the top of my head: take care of yourself.

And just a thought: I do not know how and why he calls your house "too messy and chaotic", but is there a way to deprive him of this little excuse he has found for himself to rationalize his behaviour?

If he means that a home with 4 children is not as silent as a graveyard, and has more turmoil than a couple of rocks, he needs a real readjustment of his values and views.

What does he mean by "messy and chaotic"?

------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

Lys
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messy and chaotic house

Our house is messy, there's no way to deny it. We have four active kids and one is just a baby. There's no way I can do it all myself, and our kids try to help but are not really effective. We have an open floor plan so the noise is also difficult to contain.

I have been trying to give away and throw away, but there's only so much I can do with a baby stuck to me all the time. It's also hard for me to be working my butt off and see him sitting there PLAYING a freaking game! It makes me very angry and resentful.

I'm glad to find this resource. Thank you all for being here.

Lys

lizwool
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Hello Lys, I remember what

Hello Lys, I remember what it was like, when my children were babies. I could not keep up, either. I had this saying on my wall:

Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow...
For babies grow up,
we've learned to
our sorrow...
So quiet down cobwebs...
dust go to sleep...
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep!!

Can you find an Al-Anon meeting near you, where you can go, and express your feelings, so you can get it out, and so you know your are not alone.

Liz

Liz Woolley

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thank you

Thank you, Liz. To his credit, DH has been really making an effort to spend more family time with me and the kids since I had it out with him last week. He has been eating with us more often too, and not just eating seated at the computer. I'm so confused though, I feel like throwing him out one minute, and the next I am just crazy in love with him. I've been praying and praying for clarity, so I will know what I need to do. I've asked him to go to marital counseling, and he is very opposed to the idea. He has no faith, so I don't know if he would ever succeed in a 12 step program. I feel I am just babbling here, I can't get my thoughts out in a logical manner.

thanks for listening.

Lys

shiva
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Re: thank you

The perception that he has no faith, is in itself no reason to despair.

Every addiction is a malady of the spirit, and the supreme cure is a spiritual one.

In a way, one can look at addiction as a blessing, as the people who recognize it for what it is - a "wink with a fence" (a saying in germany, which means that destiny/god/the world is real obvious in shoving a fact into your face) that their life is lacking the right foundation.

A house cannot stand on a foundation of sand and mud. It will not stand securely and the elements will wear it down sooner or later.

A house built on rocks, will stand for generations to come.

An addiction is a chance to take a good hard look at the foundation. It can be like a strong gust of wind, that rattles the house but does not break it yet. It gives an outlook on the times to come, when a tornado is looming in the future, and the wonderful thing is that it is never too late to prepare for it.

One honest moment in time is enough.

------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

Edited by: calm force at: 3/5/06 15:41

lizwool
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Hello Lys, Few people have

Hello Lys, Few people have faith, by the time they get here. I found this the other day, and posted it elsewhere on the board. A,A This is step 2 - So, I came. So, I came to. So, I came to believe. So, I came to believe that God. So, I came to believe that the God of my understanding. So, I came to believe that the God of my understanding could. So, I came to believe that the God of my understanding could restore me. So, I came to believe that the God of my understanding could restore me to sanity. The first thing the gamer needs to do, is to just come. A,A How fast each line after that happens, is differnt for each person. A,A It is nothing we control. A,A By being around people here, who are trying to better their lives, the message will be absorbed. I hope he will come here and read the stories and see what this program can offer. A,A You keep coming to, Lys. A,A The family members need just as much, if not more support. Sincerely, Liz A,A

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others

Lys,
I read your first post through tears, as your situation reflects mine almost exactly, right down to the having to initiate. We have 2 children, though. My husband is cold & distant, & won't even consider cutting down his hours. Your husband uses his laptop, but mine has his own separate office, so we do not even see each other for hours at a time, but otherwise, our situations are very much the same. When he is not playing, he is irritable, & gets angry so easily, especially with me. He has threatened divorce, saying I have shut HIM out, & gets very defensive when I dare mention the game, or his gaming friends, especially his online mistress, which makes it even more difficult for me to live with. I just want you to know that I understand your situation perfectly, & hope it improves.

nicsmom24
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Re: &: OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others

hi everyone, i would just like to state why i am here.A my boyfriend of 2 yrs. plays starwars galaxies, and it drives me insane.A he is either in the game, on the forums for the game, or in game-related forums.A he has 2 accounts on that game, and just recently, he got involved in this game called vanguard, where he will have one account on launch day.A we have a 15 month old son together who my boyfriend hardly ever spends any time with.A and when he does spend time with us, he looks bored and uninterested, or he'll drown himself in the tv, and ignore us still.A i have to beg him to get off of his computer.A star wars galaxies is all he talks about too, and when i mention to him that he might have an addiction, he gets defensive and moody.A i did not get in my relationship so that i could stare at the back of my boyfriend's head for hours.A i would do other things, and just leave him here, but i am disabled and was not able to learn to drive.A most of my friends are either married and have husbands who pay attention to them, or boyfriends who pay attention to them, or they live in another city where i used to go to college, or they just don't wanna come over because they can't stand my boyfriend.A so, i'm sort of "stuck" here.A i'm really glad that there is a place where i can vent my feelings, and not feel like it's worthless to do so.A A

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Re: &: OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others

Hi everyone. I know that my problem may not seem as severe as the families with children involved, but my fiance who I will be marrying this October, has been driving me absolutely insane with his gaming. He plays this game called Outwar that's online, and it seems like any spare moment he has, he always on that computer. From the minute he wakes up and right before he goes to bed, he is on that **** computer. I am so frustrated to a point where I am ready to leave and call of this wedding. Everytime I try and confront him about it he says he doesn't have a problem and that he can quit, it's just something for him to do where he doesn't have to worry about his stresses in life. We're both still in school, I'll be graduating soon and we both are working 2 or more jobs to pay for this wedding and he is still coping with his dad committing suicide 2 years ago. Sometimes I feel like I am over sensitive and don't want to stress him too much because of his situation with his father. I just feel like I am at my wits end. I love him so incredibly much but his gaming is really pushing me out the door.

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Re: &: OLG-Anon for Spouses and Significant Others

Well you can see from the many posts by spouses here that it is a huge issue. How's he doing in school? Did he get counseling for his father's suicide? He needs support but if you see the gaming is a problem, you need to talk about it. Good that you came here. One thing you might do is get some pre-marital couple's therapy. It's not a good starting point to go into a marriage with unresolved issues between you. You ultimately have to make the decision but there is always something that comes up that will present a challenge. How you deal with it is key. This year we will have been married 30 years and we have had our ups and downs. SO far, nothing has strained our relationship as much as the gaming problem with our teen daughter. Good luck.

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Everything I feel, and fear

Everything I feel, and fear is already posted here. I have a pretty open line of communication with my gamer, and have flat out told him that I don't want him to quit just because I want him to. I want him to quit because he wants to, because he wants to live. But how do you convince someone that they should spend time in the real world, when nothing in it seems to make them happy? He has depressive and anxiety issues that existed before the games, but refuses to take medication (he feels it is dangerous and I can respect his opinion that way), and thinks therapy is a useless joke. He is now trying to see if he can get disability for the anxiety that he claims stops him from being able to hold a job or be social. I'm afraid that he will get it, and then there will be nothing ahead of him but an unproductive and self-destructive life filled with gaming. He claims that gaming is his "medication", that he needs it to cope with his oh so hard life, where he plays all day, and the people who care too much about him for his own good work, cook and clean for and around him. I have become isolated because I'm embarrassed by his obsession, and his attitude when he is disrupted in any small way while playing his games. Nobody understands why I'm still with him, worst of all, I wonder that myself. I can't explain it, so I don't talk to many people anymore. I'm struggling to hold on to myself and move forward in my life. However, he gets irrationally angry when I pursue my own activities and don't just sit around staring at the back of his head, waiting for him to grace me with his attentions. I was in love once, and I was so proud of that man, boasting about him to everyone, wanting to show him off to the world, thinking about him all of the time, determined that nothing in the world short of death could ever separate us, and even then, maybe not... I loved him so much, I was sure that we must have just been reunited lovers from a past life. Once upon a time, his love and respect helped me to be a better person. Now all I feel when I think about him is shame and frustration. Am I trying to change who he is to suit my needs? Is it okay for him to be on disability and spend 99% of the rest of his life playing games? I guess it is, it's his choice. But I need more. I'm glad I came here, because I have no idea how to get it. P.S. I'd thank you all for being here, for listening to my little personal drama, but I know all of us would have rather not been here in the first place. Ah well, thanks all the same, I guess.

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Misstique, I wonder if it

Misstique, I wonder if it would help you to try and articulate (here, if you'd like) the answer to your own question. Specifically, why ARE you still with this man? Knowing what to do now, starts with knowing what you want to do. It doesn't seem to me that you know that yet. You can't make a plan for how to move forward until you know where you're headed. Jane in CT

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I just know that I wouldn't

I just know that I wouldn't want him to give up on me, if I needed help.

gsingjane
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I understand WHY you are

I understand WHY you are sticking around, I just need to know if the plan is to do so indefinitely, no matter what. Or if there is some kind of a breaking point where you will say, no more. Jane

Emeralda
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Thank you so much Misstique

Thank you so much Misstique for sharing your experience with me and others here. I can feel your pain and hurt. I am living the same life at this point. I totally understand why you're staying, for the same reason that I am. Not wanting to give up, yet, on the man that you love so very much . It's so good that we've joined this site because it means that we are willing to help ourselves. I think you do have a breaking point but havn't reached it yet. I feel the same way too about wanting him to stop for him and not for me. I know he would resent me if I made him quit for me anyways. When I asked him if he ever feels like quiting he says, "Why should I? I love gaming, it's fun". Obviously I have been enabling him to the point where he doesn't have any reason to stop. I think all we can really do is to help ourselves. Does your BF know that you have joined this site? If not maybe you should make him aware of what you are going to do for you. Once I let my bf know that I was getting help on here I noticed some changes in him even though I never asked anything from him. He stopped gaming all the time (in the past few days, he's gamed once for an 1hr), he actually spent time with me watching movies and going out to eat, wow. I think there's hope. I just wanted to let you know how much you have touched me in writing what you have. Thanks for helping me by sharing your life. :) Take care.

goingcrazy
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I really don't know where to

I really don't know where to start. I have been dealing with a game addict for 20 years. I understand that men need a time to unwind and go to their "cave" . I don't mind if my husband plays his game but there has to be a time limit. I have asked several times for him to limit his time. It never works. His excuse is if he gets off what will he do with his time. He rationalizes saying at least he is home and I know where he is. He does not know how to entertain himself without gaming. He has a addictive personality. He was also addicted to porn but that came to a huge halt three years ago. But his gaming just got worse. He does not know how to deal with his feelings. I have learned to build a life which does not include him. But he does not care. What kind of example of marriage am I showing my daghters. Living two lives does not make a marriage. Does therapy acctually work? I am worried about finding the right therapist ( many are not good). How can I get him to go? Sigh.. I don't think I am making any sense. My story is so long. I have tried for so many years to encourage him to do other things. Our children have tried to encourage him to do other things. The fact is he knows he is wrong but can't help himself. He get angry, defensive, discouraged and depressed. I am tired of carrying the burden of trying to babysit him. Trying to find hobbies for him, trying to come up with places to go and things to do. We have five children and I cannot give them all the emotional and physical time they need when I carry so much mental and emotional baggage from my husbands behavior. There was about a year after the ending the porn thing that I had the man I know my husband can be. I have never felt so loved and cherished as then. He was the man I dreamed of. Well the old man is coming back. Like someone mentioned earlier, maybe it would of been better not to have that man because now I loath the other. My husband is a good man with so much potential. He does not neglect his apperance, miss work or expects me to feed him at the computer. He spends at least 6 hours a day playing and maybe 10-14 hours on Sat. Like I said I have five children, started my own business and can't understand how he can just sit there. The latest thing that has brought me to this site. Is he gave my home phone number to one of his "friends" from the game. Is he crazy!!! He actually thinks these people are his friends!! For such an intelligent man!! He actually had a argument with my child when she wanted to have a group of freind to come over to play a role playing game. He told her she should play it online with her friends. She said it wasn't the same she wanted to talk and be with her friends. He did not see the difference. He thinks he plays with his friends. This to me is stupid and crazy. How can you think playing online is the same as actual human interaction. What can I do? Sorry this is so long and crazy. I am at my wits end.

catherinek
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Goingcrazy, Everything you

Goingcrazy, Everything you have expressed is everything those of us who love gamers feel, you are not alone. I suggest you read as much as you can of this site; the stories of others and their coping mechanisms is of great help. Good Luck.

smtwngal
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Thank You all for letting me

Thank You all for letting me join... Im in shock > everything ive read above before the posts is me... Altho I wouldnt dream of doing the contract thing> It would turn him into a very snotty hateful man. For the last 4 years i ve watched him become a all the time surfing or gaming man, he works, sometimes goes somewhere but on weekends he doesnt leave his spot on the loveseat except for bathroom fridge runs... The scarey thing is I find myself rememberin Xs an thinkin they dont look so bad now... At lest they talked to me, instead of vent... Thought of places for us to go, looked at me when talkin to me, oo I dont know... made me feel good inside, sometimes but i feel like im going crazy if i try to talk about any of this he yells sayin im dillousanal... Im sorry Im going on an on, but its the first time Ive found someone who understands... Thank You so much !!!

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thank you

thank you

Lrgo275
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Hello everyone, I have read

Hello everyone,

I have read the previos posts and I am just amazed there are people out there who are going through the msame thing I am. I am so embarrassed about my situation with my husband. He is 41 years old, retired military. He is a great provider but not so good on the husband and father venue. We have been going to marriage counseling since April of this year. I initiated because I was ready to leave. I told him I would stay if he went and I wanted to do this for my children. We have been together for 19 years. He has been this way with "Call Of Duty" for 3 years now. Counseling has helped in the aspect of me realizing I am not the one who is crazy or depressed. I know this is his problem and I am not the cause of it. I love this man and I hate him. His children are going to be out of the house soon and he could care less. I have 3 daughters and the only thing they can say about their father is they won't be with someone like him. They ask me why I stay. I have known this man since I was 17. This is not the man I married. I know the one I did is still in there some where. I just want to know if I am doing the right thing. I keep this a secret from others. I don't want to look like a fool for being here and supporting him. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel but all I see is a PC and my husband sitting sat it. Thanks for letting me get this out. I know it will help me to talk about it. I just don't want my husband to find out I am on here. I don't think he would be happy about it. He feels he has no problem. Don't they all ?!

Lrgo275

lizwool
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Hello Lrgo,  have you

Hello Lrgo, have you talked to your husband about your frustrations, like you did here? Does he not care about the relationship any more? If you read on, there are miracles that have happened. Send your husband here and ask him to read gamer stories if he is wiling....

There is a screening here you can go through with him....http://www.olganon.org/?q=self_tests_on_gaming_addiction

Let us know how it goes.

Liz

Liz Woolley

BuDaLady
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Hi everyone-  I'm here

Hi everyone- I'm here today as my final step to accepting that my spouse is addicted to computer/online games. We've argued about it for awhile and it's become worse lately. I think the difference is is that now I am actually beginning to want to look out for, and take care of, myself. He accepts the role of the games are a problem in his life but does not admit to its severity. He's contiually looking for ways to alter his habits instead of cease his playing. I've tried to remind him at least twice that alcoholics do not altar their drinking....they quite. I believe, with my spouse, that he needs to clear out this part of his life until he can deal with the real issues, and at that time explore whether or not the gaming can return. If he will not choose to clear out the gaming....I believe I will need to seperate myself from his life until he does decide to clear it out. But I do not want to do that....with everything in me I don't want to do that! My question is this: How do you let the addicted person feel the pains of what they have created without affecting my own life? We are married and our lives are intertwined. How do I do this?! I am distraught.

needtostopfps
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I'm no expert but I think if

I'm no expert but I think if you were to separate yourself from him, he will only sink deeper into his gaming. If you give him an ultimatum, he might not pick what you want him to or even what he wants to. Similar to how you compared him to an alcoholic, alcoholics are not in their right mind when they make decisions. If you can not help him, find people or support groups that will. You can still be with him without taking care of him. Let him clean up after his own messes so that he will be forced to do at least something away from his comp/console.

LaurelS9
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It's optional to leave your

It's optional to leave your gamer, BudaLady. Many wives of alcoholics choose to stay in the same house but they work on letting go of their addiction to the alcoholic. And divorce is forbidden in the eyes of many people. Some religions discourage it. I like what need suggested, go on with your life and let the addict hit his bottom. It can be done that way.

taboadje
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I just found this site by

This comment has been moved here.

SquishyNoodles
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Hi Everyone. I hope this

Hi Everyone.

I hope this finds you all safe, well, and happy as you all can be.

I thought that posting here would be a good starting point of my involvement on this website. At first, I thought I may not be 'eligible' or something, because my husband's addiction is to pop cap games such as Bejewled, but it was quite a comfort to know that those with addictive personalities can get addicted to basically anything, and that you guys support anyone affected by those sorts of addictions. So firstly, thankyou to each and everyone of you for sharing your stories. It's really brave, and selfless, and has helped to put things into perspective for me on a huge scale.

Anyway - about me. I'm 25 in October and have been with my husband coming on 8 years. The first time he started playing games for long periods of time was probably in the 2nd year of our relationship (although, TV had been an issue from virtually the start). It started off with our Nintendo 64, and Pokemon, which lasted as we moved house and he lost his job. It then progressed to computer games, and then took a turn for a particular Playstation game around a year and a half ago, and now it has gone back to computer games -hours of them, he's been playing a particular one for at least 7 hours today, whilst I've been working on an assignment - despite him agreeing to attempt to play between 1-4 only.

I worry that I could be an enabler, but, because my husband suffers from an intellectual dissability I'm not sure that I want him to stop playing these games altogether. While I have noticed a detrimental affect on his wellbeing, last week he played for 12 hours straight and didn't sleep, went a week without a shave and longer without showering, and the gaming also affects his ability to form coherent sentences, remember things, and focus on what is being said to him - I believe the sense of achievement he gets from them and the way they train him to think quickly and logically are of benefit. I just wish I could get him to balance things out a little bit. He is adamant he is not addicted, and denies the symptoms I mention he exhibits. But I'm sure you've heard all that sort of stuff before.

There are other ways in which I worry I enable, but I will get to those first in a minute. I want to explain who I am first, and who I am striving to be, as suggested above. :)

My father was a Crown Sargent in the NSW Police Force for over 30 years, so I think it was inevitable that I would be attracted to the legal profession. Throughout my childhood and even into my adolescent years, I was told Uni was never an option. My dad wasn't going to 'pay' to send me. So, 6 years after I left high-school, I am studying exactly what I want to - a BA of Laws with 12 months of Psychology units. I absolutely love it, because it gives me a sense of identity and hope, and I know a brighter and more financially secure life awaits me when I graduate.

I am an animal lover, through and through. I own a yellow lab - Beau, and a cockateil - Mixy. Beau is my baby, my heart. He is getting on in years now (11 this year!) and I try to make every moment with him a precious one. Many people misunderstand him due to his aggression issues, but it just makes him all the more loveable to me.

I should probably also mention that I grew up around addicts. Both parents suffered alcoholism, although now my dad claims to be 'recovered'. My mother, however, is a complete lost caused. I know that sounds extremely harsh, especially to those of you who are religious, but at some point after so much abuse I think the brain, it just, it gives up. I haven't spoken to her in 4 years. Seeing the addictive symptoms in my husband now is difficult, because of what I had to grow up with, but at least on the plus side he is not violent.

So, I suppose I have virtually done what is suggested above. I live my separate life. Which is where I believe some of my enabling comes in. When I am not working on an assignment or reading, and the weather is crud, I'm on Facebook, or Sitemodel - a site where you can make a character, and write stories for them. They call it RP, but it's not like the RPG games described on this site - although some aspects are, such as the expected involvement (although this is not limited to a certain time of day, more as an expected amount of effort). Sometimes, I admit I put off Uni work to do RP related things or to go on Facebook, sometimes even reading pages of people that I do not even know. I know that I don't do this for 7-12 hours a day, but I do worry it's a case of monkey see, monkey do.

I just feel lost, and confused, at the moment. I don't know if what I am doing is wrong, or what I'd do in the times I'm not focusing on Uni if I cancelled my FB and SM accounts, sure, I play with my dog and take him for (short, due to his age) walks. But what else is left when you're stuck on a pension, without a license, and with someone who isn't interested in doing anything else but playing games otherwise? I love my husband, and I want to help him through this once and for all -I just don't know how. :(

"Courage doesn't always roar"

fer
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Hi SquishyNoodles. Welcome

Hi SquishyNoodles. Welcome to OLG-Anon. I'm a recovering excessive gamer. If your husband is playing 7+ hours a day I think there might be an argument whether that constitutes addiction or not, but it is a fact that he is playing excessively.

Healthy enthusiasms add to life, addictions take away from it.

bcmffln
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I need advice on whether or

I need advice on whether or not to pursue a divorce. I know that when he is served the papers he will probably break things or have a heart attack and die as he has a heart condition. I think that is what bothers me the most.... i guess the part that still loves him is worried about him but I guess I will have to turn that part off and listen to the part that ensures that I take care of the kids and myself before him . Any advice either way would be very helpful. Thanks for reading.

lizwool
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Dear bcmffln,  There are

Dear bcmffln, There are times when our community cannot adequately address the consequence of excessive gaming and professional help is needed. We do not advise. We share what happened to us, what we did and what we are like now. If you need more support than we offer here, please seek help from a professional. We encourage you to seek one who supports treatment for gaming in the same manner as alcohol or substance abuse. You may want to look under the Professional tab for someone in your area. Liz

Liz Woolley

bcmffln
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If I were to give my husband

If I were to give my husband that contract above, he would laugh and throw it at me and a big argument would ensue. He would start yelling at me. I already know that If I were to ask him to choose between me and the game he would say neither but by refusing to choose he is choosing. I'm sorry but if you can't choose between me and a game , that to me means the game is more important then I am, think about it, you ask your spouse/significant other to pick you or the game, they say neither, how would that make you feel? It makes like he can't let go of his games and coincidentally if your spouse/so tells you they aren't choosing between you and their computer your not going to want to stick around and if you leave,he still has his computer which means that in a roundabout way.. he did pick and it wasn't you.

I have already experienced this in a round about way... I asked my husband what would happen if I asked him to pick between me and his computer and games, he told me he would choose neither. That makes me sad. It really does. I don't leave our kids with him anymore alone if I can help it because he has a tendency to get so engrossed in his games that he doesn't watch them , and if he puts his headphones on he can't hear anything either. Not to mention that if he stays up too long and then watches them , he has a tendency to fall asleep at the drop of a hat.

So i only leave the kids with him for limited amounts of time if at all and thats only if I can't take them with me and I cant get anyone else to watch them. Essentially I am a single mother with a marriage certificate and a roommate that shares a spot on the base of my bed, uses my electric and eats my food, with the occasional moment of intimacy not a husband. At least not anymore.

He gets mad for the smallest things. Like the other day he was playing need for speed and the baby wanted him , she grabbed the back of his shirt and had a fit because it was impeding his movement on the game. I am at the end of my rope with him.

operamousie
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  Hello all,   I am in a

Hello all,

I am in a 2-year, long-distance relationship with a skilled computer technician who was addicted to World of Warcraft. He stopped playing altogether a few months after we met, however he has since struggled off and on with other games - in the end, always deleting the game in question before promptly admitting it all to me.

Now we are living together, and I am happy to report that we have already unwittingly fulfilled some of the recommended ground rules. He has even exchanged his gaming desktop for a non-gaming laptop. However, as time goes on, I watch as his gaming cravings are now being channeled into other addictive behavior, and I wonder how I might help, as a significant other, with the underlying cause of these destructive behaviors.

As I gather clues to what lies beneath, most recently he admitted to me that he enjoyed playing characters with heavy armor and a lot of health, who specialize in what they call "rage management" (or the giving and receiving of "rage points" via acts of violence) in a game. This surprised me because he in all actuality is the kindest, most gentle man I have ever known! However, he grew up in a family where anger was unacceptable, and an overbearing father reigned free. It would make sense that the "rage management" presented in the game was a creator's ploy to hook him by playing to a psychological weakness, providing him with an outlet for the pent-up anger unacceptable in his relationship with his Dad, while also deliberately perpetuating the cycle.

Is this at all a common thread among other gamers or ex-gamers? Is seeing a therapist the only option for dealing with displaced aggression? Or are there other, healthy ways one can work out the aggression once fed continuously into a game? Are there specific ways that I can be more helpful without enabling him or risking rageful behaviour in our household? Any and all ideas welcome.

bcmffln
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Misstique wrote: However, he
Misstique wrote:

However, he gets irrationally angry when I pursue my own activities and don't just sit around staring at the back of his head, waiting for him to grace me with his attentions.

That sounds just like my husband, I leave the room for more then 20 minutes and he gets mad at me because I am not sitting there staring at the back of his head. It's not like I leave the baby with him and say i'll be back in a few minutes. The baby goes with me everywhere, even the bathroom. It is like they are happy and feel you should sit around being happy for them with out actually interacting with them. My husband doesn't like the amount of time I spend with my family and will say things like "who are you married to?" when I am with my family for longer then he feels acceptable. I can turn that same question around and apply it to him and his computer. I know what you are going through. I have one friend back in nj and everytime I saw her he would get mad and tell me that I had an attitude when coming home. Now when I talk to her on the phone or online he has a fit if I talk for more then 15 minutes. If i buy take out for the kids and myself while we are out running errands for the day and I don't bring something back for him , he has a hissy fit, reminiscent of my 9 year old when she doesn't get her way. The other day I bought him a cheesesteak and he left it on his computer and the dog jumped up there and got it. He wants to barge into my dads room where I was with the baby and my parents talking , to tell me the dog is going. I told him clearly she isn't getting enough to eat, she is still nursing 5 puppies that eat a lot. He says shes getting enough. Apparently not. But in his mind , although he won't admit it, he knows almost everything. He hates to be proven wrong about anything, I can prove him wrong and even show him proof and he will still disagree with me and tell me I am wrong, or he will get mad and tell me something like "Why do you always have to prove someone wrong?" , well if it were him proving ME wrong, it would be perfectly alright but when its me its wrong. Just like its ok for him to yell at me ,talk to people I don't like and would prefer that he not speak to but not for me. He has even gone as far as giving me his credit/debit card from his disability and telling me to pay bills and pick up what we need but if there is something that I buy that I didn't tell him about ahead of time, he tells me that he didn't "approve" it and I owe him that money. I went to the dollar store and bought our 5 year old a pair of sandals to wear to school because she had on two of the same feet and couldn't find the matching pairs and I bought myself deodorant as well. They were not approved nor was the 1.00 toys I bought for the kids. My father heard him talking about the things that were not approved and got upset about it. I have come to the realization that he prefers to tell me what to do and that when I do not do what he wants, an argument results but if he doesn't something I ask him not to do, god forbid if I call him on it. Essentially the saying " what's good for the goose is good for the gander" is not applicable to him apparently.

missconfused
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Thank you for this

Thank you for this article.

My husband finally quit his gaming addiction and said he had a problem, went to 3 psychology appointments and said he is better. Then weeks later he began playing other games and the patterns began again, not paying attention to the family, staying up late, sleeping during the day. I told him I can't do this anymore after 14 years of marriage. He said he would quit it all and I asked for a separation. He came to your site and is getting help. He hasn't played anything in 3 weeks. He tells me that he is sick and how will I see he is better if I don't let him live with me. He compares his illness to my anxiety and says I accept his, so I should help him through this. I want to be supportative, but in the past, whenever I give in and say he can come home, he finds another game. Yes this time he has found Olganon, but is this enough proof that he won't go back and I have 3 kids counting on him to change. I feel so mean and unsupportative to his needs. Should I let him come home, but I am terrified of being hurt. It has happened so many times before, how do I know this time is different? Any advice will be helpful. Is it true he is sick and not well and he makes me feel I should help him, but I don't know how except by putting my kids and self out there to maybe get hurt again.

Thanks for listening!

JasonTeeter
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Hello all!   I am an

Hello all!

I am an american who met his girlfriend, a New Zealander on a game. we fell in love and I moved to New Zealand leaving behind all of my family and friends including a daughter from a former marraige. My girlfriend and I now have an amazing 9 month old. The problem I am having is like many that you all face. My girlfriend is addicted to an online game I believe. Being a stay at home mom it has progressively gotten worse. Now our relationship is suffering. When she is playing and the baby want's a ttention she gets frustrated and curses. I come home from work put the baby to bed, cook dinner, clean the kitchen etc etc all while she plays. I do not know what to do or even how to address it. Sex and affection is quickly departing from our relationship now as well. I have tried telling her she has a problem before and all she does is lash out and tell me I am the one with the problem.

I am doing everything I can and it seems all I am getting for those efforts is heartache. How do I get her to understand what she is doing to our relationship and our family? Furthermore when do I say enough is enough and walk away? I have had other women express interest in seeing me socially but I am commited to and love my girlfriend and would never cheat therefore I tell them I am unavailable. I just hate to think I am passing up on a good thing just to fight a losing battle... I'm at my wits end here and tired of crying...

Any help appreciated,

Jason

sadwaffle
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Hello, I am new to the

Hello,

I am new to the forum, but not new to the world of living with a WoW addict of a spouse. The sad part is, we met on WoW... the even sadder part is, I used to work for Blizzard Entertainment (The company that created WoW). I found a dissertation directed towards spouses of video game addicts and it really helped open my eyes to seeking more outside help rather than internalizing everything.

I also play WoW, but I have my priorities set and my limits in place as to when and how long I play the game.

We have a 4-year old daughter and a 2-year old son. Both of which are screaming for daddy's attention only to be sat in front of the TV or told to "go play". When they don't listen to his discipline attempts as he sits comfortably with his laptop, he gets up and rages at them, screams at them to go into timeout... then retreats back to his laptop and waits for them to come out on their own.

I have expressed my concern in our marriage, our children, our future and he promised to limit his raid time to Tuesdays and Thursdays. That lasted one day. He promised to always eat dinner with the family at the dinner table. That lasted one day. All his empty promises are repeatedly broken, and I've lost faith in him as a husband and father of our children.

So, with a "for better or for worse" ideal in mind, I am doing my best to find my own source of relief and guidance on how to live a happy and fulfilled life regardless of my spouses video game addiction.

Hoping to find that here and thank you for reading my thoughts. :)

-Nicole (31 yr old Full-Time Working Mom to 2 little ones in PA)

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Hi sadwaffle and welcome to

Hi sadwaffle and welcome to Olga-non. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's addiction to gaming and the problems it's causing for you and your family. Unfortunately the addicted gamer has no idea what they're doing to the family. They are totally blinded by the addiction. I was gaming 12+ hours a day and thought nothing wrong with that. Looking back, I just shake my head.

I'm glad you found this site. Now you know that you're not alone. There are many of us here, some dealing with addicted loved ones, as you are and others of us dealing with recovering from our own addiction to gaming. But we all understand and support and encourage each other. I hope you'll spend some time reading posts and getting to know and understand more about gaming addiction and your options. The main thing is to not enable him but let him suffer the consequenses of his adiction. And then look after yourself and your children. Just remember you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it nor can you cure it. Good luck to you.

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

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Liz, this post feed is very

Liz, this post feed is very eye opening. All the comments stories are validating the seriousness of gaming addiction and shattered familiy lives. I took your advice and I did the screening test with my husband. He was checking his game after having a nap (tired from gaming earlier) and was kind enough to sit down with a patronizing smirk. I begun to read it and he rigth away said no, no, no,no, 95% of the questions. Things that were so obvious he denied. I stopped and I asked him to be honest because I want to help both of us to be happy and to find ways to improove our lives.

In the test, were some questions like: Do you wish people would mind their own business about your gaming or do you envy those who dont' get into trouble for gaming - he admided to but he denied being defensive for example. When I brought up an example he said I had no right to question him about why he got up in the middle of the night to check his computer. He said he was checking his email???? Who does that? Or he said no to " doyou try to stop gaming but cant'" He said he can stop. I asked him not to play at all next week ; His eyes got really big. Then I asked to play twice a week and once on the weekend, turn off the computer screen and participate in real life. He said he will not just drop out for no reason. I said your marrige is a reason, your wife is a reason and your life is a reason. He said he wouldn't.

Anyways, he said no to almost everything. At the end I said, if he answered 3 yes out of these questions there is a concern. He said there is no concern. I looked at him and for the first time in my life I was calm and confident when talking about this. It surprised me because I normally cry and am devastated, but not today. He got up and I asked him where he was going, he said he is not going to listen to my crap and he marched out side for a smoke. I said to him, "you 've just signed your statement of having an addiction problem with your behavior". ]

That paper should have had far more yeses. It was tought to see him sit there and flat out tell me I am not worthy enough to leave the game not for 7 days but not even 4 days. It was a reality check that's for sure on my part. Oh, and he said he does not prefer the game over being intimate. I asked him when was the last time he was effectionate or loving. he couln't not remember. I asked him when was the last time he compelemented anyone in the game for a successful raid or task. You know, he is a very smart man who lies and preaches honor, dignity and integrity. But I know he doesn't practice it , not right now. I know he is that person, but because of the gaming he is falling short. I got him to see a small part of himself tonight because of all of you. Because of the stories the currage the kindness the fellowship. I want to thank you all, no matter if you are gamer or family or friend of a gamer , you just never know when some one says something that will help you take the next step. I can't say I am not shocked, but I didnt' die when my husband told me he is unwilling to consider me and lied to my face. I didn't feel less, or wrong. I just paid attention and somewhere felt proud of myself for overcoming and taking this step even though I am terrified.

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Hello University,   Thank

Hello University,

Thank you for sharing this.

Please remember, that your husband is a sick person who has an addiction. When we first started this website, we had many gamers who tried to shut us down. Not because they did not think they had a problem, but because they were addicted and thought we were here to take away their "drug of choice".

No matter how your husband answered the questions, I think that you did an excellent thing for him, by going through this test with him. It may be an eye opener for him. In his heart he knows he has a problem. Remember with any addiction, denial is 90% of the disease. When a person has completed step 1 - We admitted we were powerless over gaming, and that our lives have become unmanageable, they search for help. Sadly to say, many never care if they are addicted or have decided that is how they want to live their lives, just as drug addicts and alcoholics who don't want to recover.

When given an ultimatum to choose between gaming and their spouse, many addicts will choose gaming, because they are addicted and that is their drug of choice. This just shows how powerful this activity can become. Addictions are baffling, cunning and powerful. I do not think that an "ultimatum" is a fair question for a sick addict.

Once you decide to live your own life, and take care of yourself, no matter how he decides to live his life, you will be happier. Many times we have seen that once a spouse or significant- other decides to start taking care of themself and are no longer dependent on the addict to make them happy, this act gets the addict's attention. Soon, the addict begins to feel left out and wonder why he is no longer getting all of the attention because of his gaming. May I suggest you attend CODA - codependents anonymous. It helps you to not feel "guilty" for taking care of yourself. I hope you will do this to get even more support for yourself and your new life! (Hopefully, he may decide to come up from the rear!)

Sincerely,

Liz

Liz Woolley

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Hi Liz I have done

Hi Liz

I have done Coopdepenent groups before. But if you think I should do it again I will. It's been many years and it is possible to slip back into that specially when I am faced with a differnt issue like gaming. I felt way better after the test because even though he said no to so many, I did know the asnwer to those directly effecting me. I didnt' make it up , it was simply a fact. When I joined this site I was ready to make an ultimatum, but now I feel differently knowing what I have learned. Today was very different day for me. Somehow I had this sense of peace and compassion toward him I didn't have before. He did what his addict brain dictated but I wasn't hurt I just said to my self, this is not about me and never really was. I have decided to try and make a life formyself and not ask him to move out. I didn't decide forever, but for as long as I can be happy. Don't really know if I will be able or not, but if yes, I will stay and give it time. If I can't live like that anyomore the solution will be clear. Meanwhile, work on me, wont enable and reenforce the positive. I have great compassion for disabled and people in general, it's in my nature but I do forget about me and that has to be worked on. I find your insight extremely valuable and helpful.

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Hi, I would still let him

Hi,

I would still let him know that you miss him being in your life, then go an do fun things without him (like go to Hawaii)!

Liz

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Hi Liz Go on a holiday

Hi Liz

Go on a holiday without him?! It didn't even crossed my mind. Hm.... you can do that?! I have decided to ask him if he wants to join me and if he does we will do it together, but if he doesn't I will go anyways and have a good time. So far he came to a dinner, a walk and church and declined from an open house. That's not bad! He does get antsy and start acting weird when we are out but I don't regard it and continue with the converstaions or what ever we do. He seem to get back into it after walking around outside or sitting away from the people looking at things on the wall or shelfs. That must be the cravings or urge to play, or just feeling antisocial. I like this new compation I have found for him, it reduced a lot of anger and resentment I have been feelign and projecting to him. But I do have to talk to myself all the time because sometimes I forget he has a problem. It's easy to forget when you don't have to carry that burden. Okay, I will let him know every day, hope that will make him feel better. Thank you! Liz, you are awesome!

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WHEN I MET MY HUSBAND HE WAS

WHEN I MET MY HUSBAND HE WAS A GAMER, HOWEVER HE DIDN'T START TO REALLY PLAY UNTIL AFTER WE HAD BEEN DATING FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS. HE SAID THAT HE LIKED THE GAME WHEN WE MET BUT HE DIDN'T START PLAYING A LOT UNTIL AFTER WE MOVED IN TOGETHER. I THOUGHT ALL OF THIS WOULD CHANGE ONCE WE HAD OUR BABY TOGETHER, BUT IT JUST GOT WORSE. HE KNOW PLAYS ON AVERAGE 35 HOURS A WEEK. WE HAVE CHILDREN TOGETHER AND I WORK FULL-TIME. WHEN I TELL HIM HOW LONELY I AM WHEN HE LEAVES ME ALONE TO TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS HE SAYS, "ATLEAST I AM NOT DRINKING OR GAMBLING, I COULD BE A LOT WORSE." HOW EVER TRUE THIS IS, IT STILL DOES NOT HELP WITH THE LONELINESS ISSUES. I WORK FULL TIME, WHEN I GET HOME HE GOES ON HIS RAID WHICH HAPPENS APPROXIMATELY 5-6 TIMES A WEEK. I TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS BATHS, HOMEWORK, DINNER AND ENTERTAINMENT. HE SAYS THAT HE HAS TO PLAY BECAUSE IT GIVES HIM A BREAK FROM REALITY AND STRESSES OF EVERYDAY WORLD. WHICH I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND, EVERYONE NEEDS A BREAK. I HAVE ASKED HIM TO CUT DOWN HIS PLAY TIME AND HELP ME OUT AROUND THE HOUSE OR JUST SPEND TIME WITH ME ON THE WEEKENDS. I DO LOVE HIM, BUT I AM SO TIRED OF DOING EVERYTHING ON MY OWN. I KNOW HE GETS THE KIDS BACK AND FORTH TO SCHOOL, BUT AS SOON AS I GET HOME FROM WORK, THE KIDS ARE ON ME JUST BEGGING FOR ATTENTION FROM ME. THIS IS SO DIFFICULT. I DO LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY BUT ON THE OTHER HAND I AM TIRED OF BEING IGNORED.

Marriedbutsingle

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Hi. I've been married to my

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When I was 6 months sober I

When I was 6 months sober I started dating a man who attended a recovery club I went to. It was love at first sight or so I thought. Despite the advice of my sponsor, father, and that still small voice in my prayers, I decided to pursue our relationship. Even at the beginning of our relationship we faced many problems, but we were both determined to prove people wrong.

When I received my 1 year sober I decided to move to Alberta so that I could get my son back. My bf decided to follow me and moved in. Shortly after I became pregnant with my 3rd child. My bf at this point started going to less and less meetings and playing more video games. At first it didn't bother me much, as I enjoyed playing myself, but it soon started causing conflict and problems in the home. When this happened I tried to influence him into more meetings. This obviously didn't work.

The more I tried the more he seemed to be in his games. He has spent thousands of dollars on it and we are a low-income family. My parents recently celebrated 25 years of marriage and I was unable to attend because of lack of funds, I found out the same day he had spent 500-800$ on getting himself a superior outfit for his character. That money could have been spent on visiting my family on that special day.

My bf had a job for about a year after the birth of our daughter(yes it took 2 years after he sobered up to get a job) but he lost it because of his video game addiction. He did have some health issues when his appendix burst, but he lost his jobs because of all the work he missed. All the days he missed off worked were spent on the computer from the time he got up at 7am to the time he went to bed at 4am. He doesn't sleep much and I get so tired waiting for him to come to bed. On the day he was fired he mouthed off the boss for giving him trouble for missing work. He gets like that towards me too.

I've tried talking about this elephant in the room, but when I do he gets mad at me and that I'm imagining things. Sometimes he will slow down for a bit but he always starts playing more again. With regards to the money, he said he would tell me when he spent money on the game, but he doesn't. I always find out after the fact if I find out. I end up having to use my money to pay the bills, and it's not fair that he can spend his money how he likes but I have to ration mine.

My birthday was yesterday and I asked for him to come to church as a present, and he got really mad, and stormed away. It really hurt because I feel like he loves himself more then his family. He finally did come, but it felt so forced like I owed him the world.

He procrastinates all the time when I ask him to do stuff. He hasn't even started looking for work and it's been 2 months! I found myself a job working nights so that I can be around when the children are awake to care for them but still make money. I will be starting part-time soon and increasing to full-time hopefully. Since our kids are young 5,3,1 I can't just work while they are in school. I've thought very much about leaving but I can't. I'm still actively going to court for my son against the paternal grandmother, and if this came out I may not be able to get him back.

Most days I feel trapped. I end up doing all the dishes all the time, taking care of children, and his excuse is that he is in an instance. He goes to this instance at 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm, 1am. Each takes about an hour and a half. I'm tired physically, mentally, and spiritually and it is affecting my own sobriety(not that I want to drink). I wish he would just stop but I know if he is a real game addict he won't be able to on his own. I just today deleted all games from my computer. I don't want my own use to get in the way of his sobriety. He said to me at first, I'm not going to play much anymore, and then later I'm going to quit for a while... He has said this to me before so I don't expect much. It just gets my hopes up for nothing.

Anyways I just found this site browsing for some help. I will be going to my first f2f al-anon meeting tonight. I just hope they don't look down on me because my bf doesn't drink. I've got the book co-dependent no more and I think I will finally start reading it. I could use the help. Hope to see you all soon in a meeting.

Game free since February 4 2013

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So there are others like

So there are others like myself who are refused sex? Out of nowhere, my spouse froze me out several weeks ago. I started noticing that he stopped touching me and that I couldn't get him aroused. He informed me that because I had denied him sex one too many times in the course of our 18 year marriage, I would be left to feel horny like he has in the past. So, essentially, I am in the dog house until further notice. I am inclined to think that the Hobbit video game must give him sexual release in some weird way. His video game playing begins in the morning before work and picks up as soon as he comes home from work. He plays until he goes to bed. The kids and I have to talk to him in competition to his tablet. I feel tension towards the tablet on a daily basis. It's a pain in the ass. In the beginning, I was having to play detective to find out if he was having an affair. Following some agonizing days, I have came to conclude that the Hobbit video game is his mistress. In the meantime, he has dismissed or even minimized my feelings. He has decided that he is nowhere near to being addicted. However, I became concerned enough when I saw him sitting on the toilet late at night playing what else, the Hobbit. This is when I went online to discover video game addiction, which led me to this site. Meanwhile, I have ordered Adult Children of Alcoholics book and will be attending an Alanon meeting to learn how to cope with this frickin addition. I can't seem to get him to have a serious discussion about the toll this is taking on us. He's evasive in my opinion. Whatever information I've gotten, I had to pull it out of him. I even have supplied the words for him I think. Besides work-a-holism, this video game addiction is another addiction that supersedes family, which is already get the short end of the stick. Oh by the way, he thinks that my seeing a psychologist would be a waste of money. I told him that all this video gaming playing was messing up his head. I am starting to learn that when he is insensitive or seemingly indifferent, not to waste my emotional energy fretting about him.

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I thought i am the only one

I thought i am the only one having this game addiction problem with my husband. I was crying while reading all your posts. To see how many family are sufferingbfrom this kind of addiction. My husband started playing clash of clans early this year. We've been married for 7 years and we have a 2 year old son. That we waited for 5 years (we struggled of having a vaby). Now that our family is complete i thought everything is perfect although we have some financial difficulties we still managed to survive. But since he became addicted to this game he doesn't time with us anymore, he doesn't even notice me that I sat beside him and would say I scared him that he thinks there's a ghost or burglar in the house.

This weekI discovered that he is spending money on the game...He spent almost $2000 in less than a month. He speny the money that is for our monthly house repayment. I sacrificed everything. I budget every cent that comes in to our house and this is what he did to us. I asked him about the money but he denied it, he said a workmate asked him to buy some gift cards and it was paid already. But he asked more money from me coz he didn't have enough to pay the mortgage and even told.me to withdraw my sons savings account. HELP!! I don't know what to do I just want to disappear and take my life but I love my son so much I don't want him to suffer for her father's mistake.

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Hi everyone, thanks for

Hi everyone, thanks for having me. I put up with my husbands video game addiction for so many years, but Now that we have a son, it's intolerable.

I need some advice......how do you ladies explain daddy's behavior to the kids?

Our son is not even 2 years old, and I already am finding myself making excuses for my husband'a behavior (ignoring us for the game, coming home late or leaving home early, why is daddy staying home while we go have fun).

what should I be telling my child? I don't want to enable my husbands addiction, but I also don't want to turn our son against his dad.

Help please.....

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I have not read this thread

I have not read this thread before. In the initial post what I liked was that we were told to tell about us. I feel like I have lost much of myself - mostly in all the anger and resentment.

I have two girls who I enjoy being with. My eldest is affected by my husband and my fighting and I have been trying to limit it, but I do still lose my temper and do scream and yell on occassion and it is totally unhelpful. This morning I sat down and did puzzles with my youngest child and cuddled my eldest who needs a lot of cuddles. We will go to church this morning - I do not know if my husband will come and have been debating whether to sit elsewhere in the church without him since he just plays his games in there and the flashing lights from the screen irritate me. Since I have asked him to stop before and he has not, I imagine that I can only set a boundary that I will sit away from him.

I am going to go out an watch a movie with friends today - my husband and I no longer watch anything together and while movies are not all that important to me, I do occassionally enjoy one and it has been ages since I watched one feeling I should do so with him. I am debating about child care, but I think they will be ok at home even if he just plays games all the time.

I started reading novels again recently - I am very busy with the children and had stopped doing this and it is relaxation for me. I work part time and enjoy the time away from home and have been working on concentrating more on doing a really good job at it.

Finding a life of my own does help some, but it does not take away all the pain and anger and hurt. My husband is living in a separate bedroom and we have barely talked in months now. This is obviously not a healthy atmosphere to live in - I know they say live like boarders and we really are now, but its hard to get away totally and it is also not really what I wanted. I still have hopes of a marriage and last night I was remembering cuddles and happier times with my husband - we have not touched each other at all since October last year and I do remember dates like this and it hurts. But unfortunately the pain is often hidden under an extreme anger and anger has never been an emotion I know how to control very well and I land up feeling guilty that I lost my temper.

Why do you stay? is a question I have been asked more times than I care to keep track of. "in sickness and in health... for better or worse...." I just wonder if God intended for us to get so damaged in the process. If I can minimise the damage to myself then it might be ok to stay here. I have been battling with this for many years and have so many fears of my own - I do not want to live in fear all the time. I want to make Godly decisions and behave in the way He wants me to, but I make so many mistakes.

I know I feel happier being around people and concentrating on them, doing things with others. Unlike last year I have managed to smile and laugh and ejoy other people's company this year. I think this is a long journey. And not an easy one. I know I am very hard on myself, but living moment to moment helps a lot too.

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I have not read this thread

duplicate

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