Too much time?

Hi Navy Fiancee, welcome to the Olganon Board. Well, you cannpt say 30 hours a week playing is the border to being addicted or something like that. It heavily depends on the person itself. There are people, that mamage to play 20-30 hours a week and still be able to manage the rest of their lifes. But taking your post above, your boyfriend has a serious problem with gaming. If he refuses to do the homework, gets angry when you ask him to leave the game, that will be sure sign of denial. But your post is a little short on iformation, to give you good advice. Perhaps you could post more detailed, how your partnership situation is at the moment. Does he goes to work? Who is paying the house and bills? Do you enable him? Can you talk about his gaming life or does he block this conversations? But if you are just looking for a number of hours played, that one could state as "normal" I would say, that about 20 hours a week is a very high number for a casual gamer. IF he plays more than that, he will call himself a gamer and will live a gaming lifestyle, like gaming instead of watching TV, buying a lot of fancy gaming gear and so on. But in the end, it clearly seems to me, that he spends to much time on the game, otherwise you would not come and ask this question. Maybe you can ask him to read a few of the story posted on this board. Sometimes it helps to get the player in the position to realize, that he may have a gaming rlated problem. I hope I could help you a bit a least ^^

Hello & Welcome, As I tell my elementary students, no questions are ever stupid! :) Think of his playing in this context: 40 hours a week is the equivalent to a full time job ~ therefor, WoW is like a full time job for him. It all depends on the person, but I feel that 40 hours a week is excessive. This, however, is just my opinion. I am a former gamer who played up to 40-60 hours a week and I know the hold that WoW can have on a person. Maybe start talking to him about his playing time and ask if HE thinks he plays too much? Be prepared for him to get a bit defensive, but remind him you're asking this/doing this out of love. Wishing you lots of luck, Blessings & Love, Solei ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Your reactions are the key to having a wonderful life." -Don Miguel Ruiz "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same." -Carlos Castaneda

Sometimes there is a "which one of us is crazy?" moment that people get to in relationships. Where one person is doing something so apparently outrageous, so outside the bounds of normalcy, yet insisting that it's perfectly benign and wonderful, that the other person begins to question herself and wonder if perhaps she is the one who's out of bounds. I am here to tell you that, you're not the unusual one here. You have mentioned that your bf is, in essence, doing nothing with his life except gaming. Correct? He isn't working (part or full-time), he isn't going to school (part or full-time), he isn't doing volunteer or church work, he isn't taking care of your home, he isn't exercising. He is a full-grown adult who is not doing anything except staring at a screen, all day, all night, week after month after year. Regardless of how much he protests or tries to convince you that this is an acceptable state of affairs, I think that pretty much everybody else in the universe besides addicted gamers would agree that it is, in fact, not okay. Objectively not okay. If you look at it this way, we spend about 1/3 of our lives sleeping (or 8 hours per day). This leaves us 16 hours a day to do anything else, or on a weekly basis, 112 hours. Even if your bf is "only" playing 50 hours per week (which is almost certainly a low end estimate), he's already devoting almost 50% of his waking hours to gaming. Does that sound normal to you? Look, I have been where you are. In my early twenties, I was married to an extremely depressed man who was not receiving counseling or medication for his condition. He slept 18 hours per day (when he wasn't working). I literally spent years of my life sitting in my living room waiting for him to wake up, and when he did wake up, he didn't want to leave the apartment anyhow. The only difference was that he was awake and a beast. He successfully convinced me that this was his normal way of living and that a good wife would not only put up with it, but support him in it. Thank God that I finally realized, that this was not normal and not okay and, most especially, that this was not my fate and that I could go out and have a life. And so I did. It was not without a great deal of pain, and guilt, and embarrassment over having my marriage end - but in the end, it had to be done. There was no fixing him. Whatever you decide to do, remember that you are worth it. You deserve a life, and a partner, and happiness. And be strong. Jane in CT

*big hugs to you, Navy Fiancee!* Speaking as a recovering gamer, let me give you a few perspectives. At my worst, I was playing WoW 40 hours a week - the equivalent of a second full time job (considering I wasn't doing my real full time job very well, I'd say I played too much). I was forgoing offline appointments; I didn't go out with friends, I spent my 37th birthday in a raid, as well as my 9th wedding anniversary. Hubby was also playing at the time, so it didn't seem like either of us worried about it. But that's all there was to our lives. I got up, I got the kids dressed, I went to work, I came home, I plugged in, going away from keyboard when necessary to get the kids settled or do a load of laundry. Yeah....that's too much. At my best, I was only playing an hour or two per night, only after the kids were in bed, logging off by 10pm, and not every night initially. Work was getting done around the house, WoW was one of several hobbies for me, so that *probably* wasn't too much. I easily logged off if there was something good on TV, or someone called for me, or the kids wanted to do something. But that was what propelled me toward that 40 hours a week...I was pressured by 'friends' in game to play more, to raid, to progress, to lead. It wasn't the time I played that led me to my worst, it was the company I kept. The fact that my husband was also embroiled in that culture didn't help the situation any - he was online almost 40 hours a week at that time. :( Bottom line, I don't really think it's a number of hours thing that determines an addict; it's behavioral - what are you setting aside in order to game? What are you giving up in order to game? I have to remind myself of that every time I get the urge to reinstall. "Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will." - Jawaharal Nehru

The amount of hours your talking about is normal for someone who is totally addicted and who's life totally revolves around the game.

You'd be surprised how other people in your real life will understand if you illustrate your situation in the same sort of way as that last post. Of course there are people who aren't going to understand, but that's on them, not you.

I think it's important for people to know this problem exists. Therapists who don't know need to be educated. Before we discovered that this addiction exists, the things that were going on with our son were a complete mystery to us and our family doctor. The whole clinical picture did not make sense until I found this site and educated our family doctor. Here is a link to the most recent President's Column in the American Medical News, in which he writes about gaming overuse. http://www.ama-assn.org/amednews/2008/05/19/edca0519.htm You might print that out for the therapist as a way of adding some legitimacy to what is going on in your life. I have discussed my son's problem with many of my close friends, especially ones who have children who appear to be heading in the same direction. The couple that lives across the street said "If anyone but you had told us this about anyone other than A***, we would never have believed it." People telling their trusted friends might be the only way to spread the word so that it will be believed. As for those who don't believe it, I don't care, because the message is too important.

Why would we think you are a bad person? For asking the person sharing your bed and board to contribute? Maybe he thinks, or implies, that you are a bad person, but (a) that doesn't mean that, objectively speaking, you are one or (b) that anybody else would think so, under the circumstances. Jane in CT

You sound like my wife just last year, suffering terribly, watching me slip deeper and deeper into my addictions. As I read more of your story, I feel almost sick. It's almost like he's forgetting who he is and who he really loves because of this ****ed game. I see alot of myself in his 16 hour a day WoW habit and I urge you to do whatever you can to pull him back from the brink. -Brad

Quote:

I keep thinking I'm lucky because he's not addicted to drugs or alcohol or other women

You may regret this statement, one day. We have found that gaming addiction can be just as harmful as drugs, alcohol and women, if not more so, because today, so many people are accepting it as a "norm". The overwhelming problem I find, is trying to get professional help for it. We are here to suppoort each other through this. Just remember, an addict is an addict, no matter what he/she is addicted to. Thank God you are finding this out, before you are married... This is a BIG WARNING flag for you. You still have a chance to be in the loving relationship that you deserve, with someone who loves you, too! Liz W. On-Line Gamers Anonymous www.olganon.org Skype lizwool

When you start warping your behaviors to try and control his gaming, things like watch TV to be there, than the gaming is out of control. Do what you need to do for you to take care of yourself first and foremost, remember that your life has worth outside of the relationship. Don't lose yourself trying to change him and his addiction. An idea what be to do something you like to do for yourself the next time he's lost in the game, whatever that is. You schedule shouldn't have to rotate around his gaming schedule, especially if he isn't pulling his weight in the home.

I am trying to learn about this addiction because I think it may be what is keeping my son from becoming successful in life. He lives with a lovely, caring, & intelligent fiancee who is beginning to tire of being left alone to read all the time because he is playing WoW so much. He will stay up all night long and go to bed at 6:00 a.m. He does not keep a job more than a few months. He makes excuses to leave work early and is not much help around the house. I always thought it was because he is a bit ADHD but now I am beginning to wonder. He seems to display so much of what I have learned from this site so far. He doesn't look healthy and has lost weight in the last year. He has no other outlets that I am aware of. Can I ask how those of you who are in recovery came to understand that your gaming addiction needed to be dealt with?

Frequently we find that it takes the loss of an important relationship to wake up a truly addicted gamer. I would caution your son's fiancee against allowing the relationship to move forward until he shows signs of understanding what he is doing to his life. She may even have to leave him to wake him up. Sadly, that might not even be enough. It's a tough situation.

Mitch, I think it's different for everyone, what makes the loved ones or family finally acknowledge that something more serious is going on, than just "normal" adolescent or young adult flaky behavior. For us, it was what might to others seem like almost a trivial thing, but it was something that made us realize that our son hadn't been out of the house in literally weeks, and had almost completely isolated himself to play. It was like all of a sudden everything came crashing down, everything made sense: yeah, this is how an addict would be acting. Once we started viewing his compulsive playing through the lens of addiction, everything fit. I have seen nothing in my son or his behavior over the past year that has caused me to question this conclusion in any way. Tue struggle is, and remains, going forward. Jane in CT

Jane, Ever since discovering this website I have thought of nothing else. I made the possible "addiction" connection when the thought crossed my mind that I was afraid my son would end up losing everything good in his life just like his drug addicted uncle. Why would I make a correlation like that? His uncle conquered a horrible heroin drug addiction in his early life and found a wife, had two beautiful children and was a partner in his own business before being hospitalized for 4 months after being hit by a driver running a red light. Long story short, he now lives in storage units and has lost everything because drugs were reintroduced into his life and he fell down that slippery slope, once again. And, the positives in his life weren't enough to keep him from going there. Anyway, as I have been exploring this website I haven't found anything that leads me to believe that I am off track at this point about where my thoughts are leading me. Of course, I feel some relief because I feel I have hit on reasons that explain a lot of things. On the other hand, I am scared because if he has a true addiction, there is much work to be done . . . and this isn't a problem that I can tie up in a neat little package and fix.

Mitch, recovery is a long hard road--definitely not something that you alone can fix but you can be there to offer the support and love that your son will need.