Not only the man

Congrats on finding a therapist who understands that gaming can be a problem! That is very fortunare. A lot of people can not find one that believes that there is a possibility even that games can be destructive. Of course, her addiction will not go away overnight. It took her a while to get addicted and it will take time for her to develop new habits to get past this. Even small steps will be positive ones. Give her more time. She messed up once, go to the therapist again and she how it goes. I am an ex- wow player and I know how it can be grueling to quit. I am also the husband of a gamer, who is struggling with the acceptance of her gaming. She is almost to the point of excessive but it is not damaging our relationship, yet. I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope you continue to keep communication open with your wife and keep us informed as to how everything works out.

Hi LB, you are right that a lot of our threads lately have involved wives married to addicted husbands, but you're certainly not the first husband we've had... we also have had same-sex couples and this addiction seem very democratic in that regard! Sad to say! Just like with handling any addiction, it may take your wife a few tries to actually stop. Many times people have to sort of take a "trial run" at it - maybe even more than a few times - before the quitting sticks for good. John, above, is right when he says it isn't nearly time to make a final decision just yet. That said, believe me, I understand the frustration and rage you feel at your wife's behavior - many of us "loved ones" feel like heaving the computer straight out the window (shortly followed by the gamer!!!). But if your wife sincerely wants to quit, and it sounds like at least part of her does, you can let her have this one slip. One thing to raise with your therapist, also, is whether, especially given what's just happened, there is any "safe" level of WoW playing for your wife. Many gamers fantasize about "controlling" their playing, yet for certain people this is no more do-able than it would be for an alcoholic to hang out in a bar and just have one beer. We certainly saw, with our addicted gamer son, that there was basically NO level of WoW playing that didn't lead, sooner or later, straight back down the slippery slope of full-blown obsession. I would definitely raise this and also raise the issue with your wife, that it might have to be "not at all" rather than "just sometimes." Good luck, and peace, to you. Keep coming back, okay? Jane in CT

If you read long enough here you will find people whose wives have the problem. I'm the only mom here I think with a daughter who games. The counseling is a good start but expect that despite what your wife agrees to at the therapist at any given time, there's going to be backtracking at home. This happened many times with our daughter and not just on the gaming issue. It seems that she does want to try since she so readily agreed to counseling and it may be that she is looking for something to occupy her. If she has been a stay at home mom and the kids are ready to launch into adulthood, she may be in a transitional stage of 'now what do I do'. Also when you get mad (and we all do--the frustration is unbelievable) and try to tell her not to game, she may experience this as controlling (heard it from my daughter all the time). She needs to understand that it isn't about controlling her as it is that you are concerned about the toll this is taking on her health and your relationship. Good luck and keep up with the counseling.

I think you are doing the right things. I think you should let your genuine feelings be your feelings. Whether you understand how she is feeling or not, it is okay for you to be angry and hurt, because you ARE angry and hurt. If you worry about how you "should" feel, that is going to confuse the issue and also make it harder for your therapist to understand what is going on. Your behavior, what you do with your feelings, can always be adjusted, but your feelings are what they are. Also, if you are consistent with your feelings, that will make it easier for your wife to make her decisions. Do try to keep the counselor on track if the counselor gets too involved with your feelings and starts focusing on you. You are a part of the picture, but you are not the whole picture, and if there are issues with your relationship with your wife, or with anyone's past, they are overlaid by the game addiction, so the game addiction needs to be addressed first. Best wishes from Nestki

Sometimes things have to be "broken" before they can be fixed... :( She will have to "bottom out" before she can really start to recover. What will it take for her... ? Every person is different.

It is very, very common for addicts to twist around everything that the loved one says and does, to place blame and responsibility for the state of things, everywhere but where it should be... on the addict. For some reason, I have noticed that many of the addicted spouses and children are particularly good at this: making the non-addicted person feel as if somehow the compulsive gaming is their fault, that if they were a better parent, or spouse, or friend, that the gaming wouldn't be happening. This of course compounds the "natural" guilt we all feel, that somehow we did have a part to play in it. Just remember, if we had that much control over the addict in the first place, then when we said "stop," they would. And they're sure not doing that, are they? Jane

I am so sorry you're having to go through this. It seems the widows section is picking up more steam here lately... it's really imparitive that you stick to your guns, my friend. Rules and boundaries are a huge necessity for a relationship to heal.... Please, hang in there and come visit if you need support

It's not your fault. She has to take responsibility for what she does. Same experience here, the addict always finding a way to turn something around and blame everyone and everything else but herself.