My wife and I have been married for 20 years and have three children. About a year and a half ago my wifes sister introduced her to WOW. Her time on the game has slowly progressed to the point were she comes home from work and gets on WOW almost immediatly and stays on it 4-5 hours until bed. On weekends she's on it from the time she wakes up until bed. I've taken over all domestic duties and caring for the children. She's played through our 10 yr old son's birthday, refused to go to sports events our sons are a part of. Just recently I confronted her about it. Her excuses: It relaxes me after a stressful day, I need friendships outside our marriage and work, I enjoy the challenge. It is not so much the game that she spends most of her time doing but chatting with others in her guild. Have I been denying her an outlet to have friends or am I in denial of her addiction? If so, how do I lovingly get her to see what I see.
Welcome to OLGA, RDW. It is hard to say definitively whether someone is an addict, based only on descriptions of behavior, but functionally, yes, it sounds as if, at the very least, your wife's gaming is causing problems in your marriage. If you look over the some of the self-test questions on the site, you won't necessarily be able to answer all of them on your wife's behalf, but if you get enough "yes" answers based on what you already know, this will provide some guidance. Better yet, see if your wife will sit down and at least look at the self-test, if not answer the questions in front of you. One thing that can be helpful is to try to have a conversation with your wife, in a private and non-stressed environment, and lay out your concerns as factually and non-judgmentally as possible. Instead of the "you always..." or "you never..." approach, maybe try the "I feel x when..." or "I have noticed that..." Compulsive gamers are often very defensive and ashamed of their behavior, but if they feel they're being approached in a confrontational way, will feel compelled to lash out and justify the gaming. You may wish to remind your wife of certain activities the two of you used to do together that you both enjoyed (before the gaming), or suggest some things you could do together if she gamed less. If it were me, I would try to avoid using the kids' welfare as a weapon or a bargaining point, I have a feeling that she knows that she's neglecting them, and probably feels very guilty about that. Again, anything that causes her to feel attacked may well cause her to retreat further into her gaming. It is also very hard to say, especially from here, whether your wife's compulsive gaming is the cause of marital problems, or a symptom. Sometimes it seems that a spouse secretly wants the marriage to be over, but just can't come out and make the break. The gaming spouse "uses" the gaming as a way to withdraw and, eventually, make things so unbearable for the other spouse, that that person has no choice but to leave. If you feel it is warranted, you might want to ask your wife whether she is really committed to the relationship, or whether there are some other things you need to know. We also, generally, advise the non-gaming spouse to try and look to the children ahead of the gaming spouse. If it's hard on you not to have your wife, it's ten times harder on your kids not to have their mom. Look to their interests and feelings first, before either yours or your wife's. I would also advise you to look over some of the other materials on this site and find out as much as you can about gaming addiction. To those of us non-gamers, games can be very mysterious, and the hold they have on players seems baffling as well. Knowledge is power. Keep coming back and good luck to you, Jane in CT
Thank you for responding so quickly. When confronting her I did use the phrases "You never..." and "You always..." I will definately work on my communication skills. And I will keep coming back
I like all that Jane said. I know with me, however, my wife only had little short outbursts and then walked away. Other times she just acted like there was no problem. Neither of these actions phased me. I was coming to the conclusion that I HAD to get out of the game, so I might be different than your wife, but it took my wife having a down right explosion and telling me that I had possibly lost her for me to make that final break. many blessings to both you and your wife.
Addicted to SL
Were do I find the self test on this site?
Never mind I found it
There are two that I know of. One is at http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/474
"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone
Playing through a birthday party? Really? I would ask her if she wants your kids to play games as much as she does. I would ask her if she wants her kids memories to be of watching the back of her head when she is playing on the computer. I would ask her if she could go a whole hour without thinking about WoW. I bet you she can't. I know I could not when I was playing. I would ask her if she is STILL an honest person. Addicts lie. Addicts lie to protect their gaming. Ask her if she wants her kids to become liars too. I wish you well and I hope that your wife comes to her senses really soon.
WoW free since December 28, 2009
Hi Friend, I am a mom and wife and gamed for almost 3 years till I finally woke up to addiction and recieved help here. I cant remember my children's bdays during these 3 years or holidays. I blamed my husband for working too many hours and neglected anything and everyone that was not in the escape of WOW. Please see if you can get your wife to check out this site. She has to realize she is an addict and seek help. There is hope and recovery but only if she wants it. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. Please keep sharing your experience here. We have some amazing ppl here that can offer education and support. You are not alone. I'll keep you and your beautiful family in my heart and prayers. :grouphug: Dawn
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Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
~Bob Newhart
The minute you alter your perception of yourself and your future, both you and your future begin to change. ~Marilee Zdenek