Well, this is my third post and I seem to have ended up where I started, on the verge of divorce. I left my husband a five weeks ago to stay with my family after confronting him about his computer addiction. We had a rough time, but he agreed to go to counseling and set up some boundaries for his computer usage. Counseling was good, but there were mood swings and bumps in the road. I wanted things to heal, but knew that it was going to be a process that would take time. Each week things got better, but I saught out guidance from old friends on Facebook when things were challenging. Last week, was the best week we had had and I truely thought we were on the road to recovery. Today, my husband came home mad and I figured he was having a bad day. When I pressed him, he started a conversation about how I didn't love him, how I wasn't honest with him, he couldn't trust me and how he didn't feel close to me. He also said he didn't want to live his life under a microscope. I was shocked! Everything was great the previous evening. I went to dinner and when I returned, he told me he wanted a divorce. He then admitted that he had been logging into my Facebook page and reading all my messages since I had left five weeks ago. He said he couldn't believe I would talk to my friends over him. And that since everything was negative, there was no sense in us staying together. I wanted to be mad that he had invaded my privacy, but I was hurt and sad as well. I didn't lie about anything, but went to friends to vent and share some of my fears.
I know I have to give up control...I know I can't force him to stay. I'm scared though. I am the mother of 2 year old twins with no job because I stayed home to raise the boys and I still love my husband. He's asleep upstairs while I sit awake typing and crying. What does that tell you? Where do you go from here?
I know there really isn't too much advice to give. i'm just sad and it's late, so I don't know where else to go. I am so inspired by the stories I read here about healing and I thought maybe, my marriage would be one of those. That my husband would realize what he was missing and maybe accept his responsibility in this problem. However, the fact that he read my emails and then wants a divorce because I expressed feelings and fears to friends that I wasn't ready to express to him, makes me realize he is still blaming me. He wants to file for divorce, but then wants to stay in the house during the 60 day separation trial, but I don't know if that is a good idea. Part of me believes that if he wants a divorce, he should move out so he can live life alone. but finances being what they are... Again, I'm just scared! He's all I've known since my sophmore year of college. I don't know life without him. We've been together for 15 years.
Thanks for letting me vent! Perhaps I can get a little sleep now.
Jess
I left my first wife and my four year old son, when she had me down to that last game, the one I wouldn't quit. I had other reasons but in retrospect, I know what the most important one was, it was that **** game. I still count it as the most cruel thing I ever did in my life, and though we've both gone on to live productive lives, it remains one of my greatest regrets. One day he will wake up and realize how shallow his reasons are, if and when he ever gets over the game. But you can't change him, only you, and that's enough. Good luck to you. :|
Leveling in Real Life
you talked with your facebook friends because your husband was being irrational, nothing to feel guilty about; I don't think he really wants a divorce, just more freedom, which the game gives him, except it's an illusion, it actually constrains him more and more try explaining to him that you need him in your life and that he's misunderstood you, you were trying to help him, but now his mind is making up reasons for him to hate you so that he can feel more justified for being on the game all the time, doing things he thinks he loves That's the psychology of the addict, they always make up excuses for their habit, that would go so far as to give up people they loved years before try showing him this forum, this thread, some of the threads made by divorcees, tell him it's for you, even though in reality is to help him repair his life and his head and understand what is truly happening, that he's not doing the right thing and he's just acting out
If you play video games, turn them off once in a while and rejoin life. Some of us here like you, don't ask me why.
Thank you both for your insight. I don't think my husband will even go near this website. He just left the room blaming me for never being happy. He's mad because he's made changes for going on 5 weeks, but I still have fears of him going back to old habits. Why? Because that is what has happened in the past. It's always been a cycle of change followed by the same old thing. He hates hearing that and was perhaps hoping I would let him off the hook by this point. He decided that he no longer wants to go to counseling. Says it's pointless. I even said that I wouldn't have a problem with him staying at the house if he would put off divorce and continue counseling. I'm sure you are all laughing and saying..."yeah right." And you would be right. I said, "Okay, get your own place and let's continue counseling." I know, I know. That wasn't an option either. The fact that he doesn't want to continue counseling after spying on my Facebook for 4 weeks says something to me. Why am I trying so hard when he seems to care so little? I know I need to let go. I know he has to come around on his own and my pushing is only causing resentment. It's just hard when you love someone and want to see them be the person they used to be. I appreciate any and all feedback. I know...Let go and let God. If you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours. I've heard it from my friends, but some honest responses from people in the trenches would be much more meaningful. Thanks again!
Jess
Honestly, my wife isnaEU(tm)t the same person she used to be and probably never will be. WeaEU(tm)ve been separated almost a year and weaEU(tm)ve both changed.. IaEU(tm)m not so sure IaEU(tm)ll like the new her when we get back together for a few days in June.. DonaEU(tm)t know if sheaEU(tm)ll like the new me either.. We are both willing to give it a go and if it isnaEU(tm)t going to work out weaEU(tm)ll go our separate ways..
Hi texas twin mom... I so feel for you atm 5 weeks and you've done it before too! I hope you don't get upset by this, but what was it that made you decide to try and do something about him? Sympathy and kind thoughts Heidi