Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Principle - Brotherly Love
Restitution
We have to live a spiritual life, not just believe in it.
Now that we're willing to make amends to everyone who is on our list, it's time to actually approach those people and make our peace. Remember, we approach these people in a spirit of peace, focusing on cleaning our side of the street. We don't concern ourselves with what they have done or what amends they owe us. This step is for us, so that we may be free of the resentments, guilt and shame that bind us and sometimes feed our addictive gaming behavior. Remember that excessive gaming was just a symptom of a deeper problem; beneath it are layers, and sometimes, years of pain involving unresolved, troublesome issues with people. When these relationships became bothersome or when the thought of them brought us down, the more we plunged into addictive game behavior to drown out the painful memories that haunted us. But now is our opportunity to be freed from the stronghold of resentment, unforgiveness or shame and guilt that we've had about hurting someone else.
So how do we go about making those amends? First it is important to note the phrase "when to do so would injure them or others". Say we have a spouse with whom we have been dishonest, perhaps an affair was involved. If the spouse has no inkling of such event, then it would be better not to tell them, since doing so would cause devastation. To keep this information from them is not a matter of dishonesty but more adhering to the rule, "when to do so would injure them or others". Remember, included also in the list of those who could be injured are ourselves. When it may hurt another person to make a direct amends, we may write a letter to God asking for forgiveness and healing of the other person.
There may be situations when we are not quite up to making our amends, and if the other person holds a great deal of resentment against us, they may treat us offensively, thus provoking us to respond in defense, offense or some unkind manner. If we feel that we are still weak, unable to handle the worst reaction from those whom we are going to approach, then we are better off waiting, and doing so would qualify under the exception of "when to do so would injure them or others", where "others" would be ourselves.
Now in terms of making direct amends, we simply approach the person in a spirit of peace and forgiveness (if they have offended us), and we simply give them an apology for whatever wrongdoings we have done or pain we have caused in their lives. If you find that the person is amiable and accepting, you may want to add the reason for your apology -- that you have had problems with compulsive game playing and that you are now following a spiritual program of recovery.
What about those situations where we have held unkind thoughts towards others without them knowing? In such cases, it may not be necessary to make a verbal amend. A changed attitude and improved behavior towards the person is good enough.
Remember that there will be cases when the person will not accept you in a spirit of forgiveness, but this must not stop you from making your amend(s), unless of course the exception applies. If in doubt, consult with your OLGA sponsor or another member of OLGA who has done this step.
We begin to see "The Promises" within our lives.
We begin to feel self worth, self respect, dignity, honor, and love for self and others.
We are no longer controlled by our secrets. We moved from the darkness into the light.
We accept life on life's terms with a renewed sense of inner peace.
Best wishes on your amends!
a) Using old records, telephone books, people you know, and the Internet, tell how you plan too seek out the persons listed in Step 8a above and make direct amends to them, except when to do so would injure them or others. If the person has died, write a letter to that person, and ask for their forgiveness, than burn the letter.
b) Write out and recite a prayer to your Higher Power to help you be willing to make direct amends to the people listed in Step 8b above.
c) Describe how it makes you feel to be unwilling to make amends to each person listed in Column 8b.
1/24/2015 Formatted for new website. Liz W.
There isn't much I can add to what is written above.
I've done the 8th step in several different ways--sometimes noting who I'm unwilling to make amends to, who I'm willing to make amends to, who I'm ambivalent about and then praying for the willingness, as well as working on forgiveness where possible.
More recently I've not broken it down this way--instead the list of people to make amends to is just that, a list. Notes from the earlier step work might be included by specific names, or thoughts about how to make amends, but aside from that, I don't do any other writing for this step.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
I haven't completely made amends to my family. All I have done is let them know that I am in recovery. However, I never said I was sorry about what I did in the past. First I have to get enough time away from video games to do that.
Mario
I skipped 7 steps, but in withdrawal I begged forgiveness for the ones I hurt the most.
My Wife... She forgave me. I still keep regretting what I have done. I left her too often alone fleeing where I could have supported her.
My children. They are too young to understand..I havent harmed them too much...but I promised silent to do better.
God. I abandoned God completely, but today I felt His presence and love. and gave me the love for my family back. I know atheists will say its the getting clean in withdrawal.. I know but emotionally I felt God. I believe that
I havent ammended to my father and mother. I tried, they dont understand. They never did. Still I hope to be there for them more often.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
Sometimes the best amends we can make to our families and loved ones, is a living amends:
doing the right thing for the right reasons with love in our hearts.
hm.....
i begged forgiveness when i was gaming.... and that got very dull for may family members after some time
what i do now is show them a healthy person who shows up,
the "apology" is really secondary
leveling in steps, serenity, sponcys, sponsors, exercise, and sleep, (sanity has been downsized) sober from all electronic games since 11/19/2010
I quit gaming now hirsh and on the way of recovery...I feel changing...we spend time together now where we only used to be in the same room..I failed and asked forgiveness
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
I have offered my appologies to my manager and my colleges. As I am in detox I explained what happened, that it was not my choice, but that I rather try to maintin my job..rather then to take a week off, as I need stability the most. The reaction have been heart warming as they found my work, knowledge and skills I displayed,.even in difficult times..overwhelming and would not realized. But as I am now not fully 100% ready to work, during the 8 hours presence ( work from home too due security reasons) and thats fine.
I am happy I did. I need to be as honest to them as I am here. And I told them I hope that they can learn from my mistakes as 1 in 5 people worldwide suffers from a brain that easily gets addicted and they should help those people..not judge (too hard) as many of us suffer sometimes as much as the people we harm the most. , Or betray.
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
love it!
Acceptance. When I am disturbed, it is because a person, place, thing, or situation is unacceptable to me. I find no serenity until I accept my life as being exactly the way it is meant to be. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake. Acknowledge the problem, but live the solution!
Currently working on my step 8 list with my sponsor. Thankful that I have the guidance of a man with a lot of AA sobriety who has sponsored tons of people, it is such a different experience than other sponsors I've had in the past.
Anyway, my amend list looks like it's going to end up about 100-150 long. That's really scary and intimidating, but my sponsor says to not worry about it and just worry about making the list for now, and then we will talk about how to make each amend. For me this list isn't just about who was affected by my gaming, but making amends for ALL of the wrongs I have done in my life. I have stolen a lot of things so I will have to pay that back and go to the people I've stolen from, countless people I've hurt in many different ways, including gossiping and lying about (small things we don't think of). Some of these amends will involve admitting to illegal things I've done, and I believe I may lose my job when I make amends for some things I've done there. But as I've heard my sponsor and his sposory say, "how free do you want to be?" I'm willing to make all my amends regardless. I'm tired of living a life of addiction and want that freedom.
I will also say that I've heard it said a lot in meetings, and by my sponsor, that step 8 and 9 is NOT about saying sorry. It's about asking what can I do, what action can I take, to make it right? It's about making amends for the wrong, not just saying sorry.
Great comment. And so true. A lot of my amends have been "living amends". Living a quality life with love, no lying, cheating, stealing, or not being responsible for my behavior.
Thank you for sharing this!
Patria and Bigalaz,
You guys have some of the best comments I've seen in a while.
Action speaks louder than words!
Maxi
13 years since first started gaming (2002 - 2015)
Reborn on July 29th, 2015.
hi