So glad I found this site. I have read many posts from others which I can totally relate to. I am so sad because I see my 5 year marriage coming to an end very soon. Unfortunately most of our marriage has been plagued with conflict which was a result of my obsessive time spent on the computer building our own business. My intentions were good, but my behavior mirrored what many have described here. There were other issues, but this was One of the biggest.
Sadly it took my wife moving to a new residence to 'wake me up'. Unfortunately in her loneliness and despair from my neglect, she found evony and my how the tables have turned. When I woke up, I put the computer down and started being the husband and father I should have been long ago. But she has now descended into her own world of evony which consumes her every moment.
I used to brag about what a great mother she was and now our 4 year old screams she doesn't want to go to mommys house because she is on the computer too much. I know she does spend time with her, but the ratio of kid time vs. game time has to be off. I have been over and observed her playing with our child, but jumping up every few minutes to click.
I feel horrible and some what responsible because it was my neglect that was a contributing factor to this. Ifeel I have just about done all I can to save us, but she just isn't interested. What's worse is that I am enabling this because she works nights at our business while I work days. She takes her laptop so she can keep up with her game while filling web orders.
She knows I still love her and want to work things out and I think at this point I am just being taken advantage of. She has relationships with these people and I am almost certain she is having an affair with one guys she talks, texts, calls, skypes, and everything else quite frequently. I still come over to her place every night with dinner (she doesn't keep much food in her house) and we act like we're a family, but the truth is her heart and soul belongs to evony right now.
She doesn't even wear my ring anymore and we havnt shared any intamacy for even longer. I love her with all my heart and I feel so much guilt for what I put her through. Its almost like karma that I am getting rejected for a computer and people who live in different states and countrys.
But I don't deserve this. I have made a huge effort to turn things around for us. I put my wife and family first, but I am getting nothing back. I know I hurt her badly, but two wrongs do not make a right. My guilty conciouss for my wrongs keeps me holding on, but how much does someone have to pay? Especially when they are clearly putting in so much effort to make things right.
The worst part is our business nets 6 figures plus and we could have a safe, promising and secure future together. My wife will have a hard time making it on her own as she has little education and work experience. But I know someday soon I have to stop supporting her and enabling this to continue. It's just so hard because I love her so much and divorce scares the hell out of me. But I can plainly see her passion is with the people she interacts with on evony now. Not me. I don't think she even has a notion I will cut her off because I have done so much for her everyday and it is taken for granted. I think that is the only reason she hasn't asked for divorce. Because she knows it will throw a wrench into her ability to devote her life to evony.
So confused and lost, but I have to do something soon. Just can't go on like this much longer....
Haterofevony...I'm right there with you...sitting on your shoulder of depair. My story mirrors the toxic that is Evony. I hate Evony for taking my husband and turning him into a man I hardly recognize. He, too, has his alliance as friends, family, lover...who knows anymore. The only intimacy is what he shares with Evony. If he's not playing the game or chatting on Skype, he's obsessively checking email. He's wasting his life away. I'm moving on with my own life, trying not to enable him.
However, hindsight is 20/20 and you are living in the real world trying to live your life as best you can. Please don't feel responsible for your wife's addiction...she has to own it and deal with it. Your child is the most important part of your real life now. You are doing the right thing by your child by staying strong and if you have to cut her off...then whatever will help your child is the right thing to do.
Stay strong. Please read my post and others here...there is so much support from the members.
Haymal
Remember the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
You did not cause your wife's addiction.
Many other men spend much time building up their business. Picasso spent all his time painting. Mahler spent most of his time writing music.
Doctors, from day one of medical school, put in many hours for years developing their skills (and trying to pay off student loans) but can only make money after all that is done.
Your wife, like me, got caught up in a computer game and it sounds like she is addicted to it. Think of the addiction as on the same level as addiction to alcohol or other drugs.
If she is addicted to it, she will need it more than she can ever want it. And even if she stops wanting it, at some point, she might be unable to stop.
Some people, who are not totally addicted, CAN stop on their own, hopefully she is part of that group. If she is as addicted as I was, she will be unable to stop without some assistance.
The best thing to do is read the posts here from others who have been through what you've been through. Maybe join a Nar-Anon meeting, http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Groups.html, or CODA (for co-dependents) meetings.
Hi Haterofevony,
Let me echo Patria on the 3C's. You are not responsible for your wife's addiction. You are responsible for your own life and your own happiness.
About the affair thing. When I was playing WoW addictively my libido went to zero. Yes, your wife's most intense interactions are with the other people in the game, but we all find that those interactions are very superficial. When we leave the games, the other people keep on as if we were never there. Even in the game, it's all about the game, it's never about us as human beings. The real problem is that your wife is having an affair with Evony. That's how it was with me and WoW.
It breaks my heart to hear the families. It's like your addicted spouse/partner/parent/friend is dead only the body is still there. When I was playing WoW I could be in a conversation but my mind was off in the WoW world. It must have been confusing, irritating, and sad for everyone around me.
I spent a lot of years in Al-Anon. I got to see miracles happen over and over again when we Anons stopped focusing all our attention on the addict and focused on our REAL LIVES. It's the best thing we can do for the addict, even more importantly, it's the best thing we can do for ourselves and the rest of the people in our lives. You can't make your wife be the mother your daughter needs, but you can give her the best father you can be. We can find contentment and even happiness whether the addict quits their addiction or not. Keep coming back, it works.
Game free since 11/24/2011 (Thanksgiving Day). One Day at a Time.
Available by phone (904)437-0761.
Me, too. I was not there for my family or friends. Totally not there.
I had an affair with the game. Nothing else mattered.
Why did I finally quit gaming? My husband got wise to the addiction--long before I did; and he wouldn't enable me anymore. He wouldn't buy my excuses: when I told him I felt better gaming, he would say "when you're ready to tell the truth about your addiction, I'll be here"...wow that made me mad. I'd game more.
If he cooked a great dinner (and he was a great cook) he wouldn't cook enough for me, unless I was at the dinner table.
Tough love. It took about 6 months of tough love, but it got through to me.
I hated it. But I ran out of excuses; even I knew at some point that gaming was interfering with everything in my life. I didn't want to quit, I wanted to moderate. But found OLGA. With the help of other gamers, I soon realized that I was addicted to gaming, and that being addicted was like being in prison.
It wasn't easy to quit. I panicked a lot in my first few months. But now, 7 months later, I am definitely glad I quit. Playing games was like playing with rattlesnakes as pets. They might be cute, but at some point we'll get bit and it won't be pleasant.
Good luck!
Thank you so much for the kind replies and advice. It has been a very tough 9 months or so. I just don't know how much longer I can hold out. We agreed to separate for a year and her lease is almost half way up. Though we don't fight like we used to, there is no warmness or signs from her what so ever.
I can count on her to call me when she wants fed or needs me to do something with the kid. I swear 98% of the time I am walking to her front door she is on the computer and it really saddens me. She is worse than I ever was. I thought our kid crying mommy is on the computer too much would open her eyes, but apparently not. I see evony posts on her facebook all hours of the day.
One one side I am afraid to cut her off, because I don't want to ruin any chance of us reconciling, but at the same time after almost 6 months apart I would think I might see some positive signs. But nothing, besides her being generally nice to me. She still carries alot of resentment towards me and one of her ways to show it is to post hateful spiteful songs on her facebook in between her evony posts. I never call her out on it, but they are obviously directed at me.
Just can't live like this. I miss her like crazy, but she seems happy. It's really going to hit the fan when she finds out she no longer has a job here, but I know of nothing else to do. I have tried to be the best husband I can, the best friend I can, and I have tried to eliminate all of bad qualities that got us here and she could care a less at this point.
All I do know is that as long as evony is coming first, nothing will ever change between us. And at the present time, I see nothing changing in her priorities. I can only hope and pray her relationships with these people are superficial. She lights up and smiles when she talks to them or about them while I sit here feeling like chopped liver. I have no problem that she might chat with them on the game, but the texting, phone calls, and skyping are hard to ignore. I actually have an evony account I made in hopes of finding a way to connect with her and I hardly ever talk to the people in my alliance. It's an interesting game, but I could never see it sucking my life away like it is hers. She is about to lose eveything just like I did and I hope and pray it will bring some sanity to her head the way her leaving did mine. I have no high expectations of that happening though...
Thanks for letting me vent and ramble. Will hopefully have some good updates soon!
I hate to be pessimistic about your situation but it's like reading the same post a hundred times here again (and I don't mean that in a non-tolerant, bad way) and knowing from where I sit how this story is likely going to end as well. I'm you, to a certain extent, back in 2008 when my wife at the time starting playing Guild Wars. "Want to go for a walk?" Response; "No. I'm in the middle of a mission." Multiply that response countless times - again and again - in different ways. Her world essentially revolved around gaming and now, just weeks after we signed our final divorce papers a 13 year relationship, 11 year marriage is over - and her gaming intensity has increased yet again - much to the detriment of our now 9 year old daughter. Same song. 347th verse. And why not? She no longer has me to "worry" about what I think about her gaming behavior - not that her behavoir ever truely, changed in a consistent, long-lasting way previously anyway.
Your situation isn't unsalvageable but having, been-there, done-that and in hindsight looking now at the ultimate outcome - I wish I had kicked her to the curb when I originally found out about her online indescretions with the opposite sex as part of her gaming ways. It's all part of the acceptable behavior within the gaming community. Why? Because it's their reality of escapism instead of facing the real world and real relationships with everything - people, things, time, possessions, themselves - you name it. It's easier, it's more rewarding, and it's easier to control - at least for them.
Gamers break the basic tenants of what makes a marriage a marriage. Spending time with the spouse, putting them first above all things, and not betraying their trust. Period.
Protect yourself, your children, and your assets my friend. If your wife is willing to put what she has already before these things - she'll be willing to extricate those things from you in the process of supporting her gaming habits - especially your money. But don't be surprised if - your precious child gets used as a support for her gaming behavoir too. (If she gets primary custory then more money comes her direction. More money means less work and more time available in the gaming world.)
Good luck. Clarifying thoughts and prayers your direction.
Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away....
He hit the nail on the head. This is true of both female or male gamers.
I'm an ex-gamer. In order to get back to a decent real life I had to change EVERYTHING about me. I'm appalled at the stuff I would do to continue gaming. It's only been 7 months away from games, but already I see what self-centered life I had going for me in the games.
Right now I'm busy repairing the damage done by 8 years of excessive gaming. It's not easy, but at least I am no longer guilty of being totally self-centered.
I've always suggested to people who are in a significant relationship with someone else who is using any substance: alcohol, drugs, gaming, to please get to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings. Addicts will drive anyone crazy. Our lies aren't just for everyone else, it's for ourselves too. Face to face meetings for spouses/friends of addicts should be a primary support system. Plus the posts here.
The addict is too deep into their substance to worry about reality. The non-addict needs the support to deal with it; especially if there are children involved.
Good luck.
I got hooked up with tribal wars (a meaner version of) once...lasted several months. at that moment I used it at refugee as I felt my wife was falling away from me. We managed, when she started to talk ( so She went silent, I gamed out of frustration.)
When your wife stops playing she will feel better than she is now, but you must know if there is someting , some reason why she does it....You must learn this by talking to her...just ask the question over and over again. Many things we do happens for a reason, but she must tell. The trick is to keep asking without being upset, or confront her, what are you afraid of what will happen when you quit playing....and then convince her that fear is not real as the reality she is in is not real too. Starting to live again will be frightening but that will stop too...
pre- diagnosed with Autism.
I would not suggest that. Confronting someone in this manner can make things worse.
I would suggest for significant others to get help for themselves.
Addicts do NOT like to be told what to do, but reality will come if people stop enabling them (me) to continue with the behavior.
The only people qualified to confront an addict in this manner is another addict; otherwise you are setting up another excuse for someone to game or use more.
Get the help from an anon group. They know what to do and how to do it.
I agree. She does NOT want to talk; about our marriage or the gaming. I have never directly said anything about all the time she spends on there, but have dropped several obvious hints. Just today I had to take my daughter to her house and she screamed sher didn't want to go because mommy is on the computer too much. It really breaks my heart and angers me at the same time.
She is doing EXACTLY what I did in the past. I was obsessed with being on the computer and not just a game. Our relationships suffered leading to many fights and resentment that still fester. It is coming down to the wire. It has been 6 months and she still treats me cold as ice, actually colder than ice. Her whole existance is based on what I am still providing for her (income, health insurance, and general financial security).
She is having her cake and eating it too and I know deep down she has no respect for me because of this. I have to cut her loose so she can see how hard it really be for her on her own. She will NEVER have it as good as she does now. Not by a long shot. I have put so much work into making up for my neglect and mistakes, but she has a very bitter heart. Nothing I do seems to be getting through. I have given her her space, stopped arguing over petty things, done my best to be honest about everything put the computer down and put her and my child's needs first and foremost. So I know of no other alternative. Nothing is working.
In a horrible economy we are very well off with no worries (don't mean to sound pompous here). She is just so used to me giving and doing for her, she just doesn't know. But I know for sure when I do tell her she will be irate and it could get pretty ugly. I want none of this. I just want my family back in one house together.
I hope and pray she isn't having an affair with this person she seems so connected with on evony. I caught her hiding skype amongst other things so it leaves the imagination to go wild. COmbine that with cold treatment and ZERO intamacy I'm really getting to the point I am starting to feel more STUPID than sad. Why the ^$*& am I still here? I am not wanted for anything beyond a free meal.
I guess I am answering most of my own questions and wowwidowers post couldn't have said it better. She has a very addictive personality and I just don't ever see her walking away from that game or even moderating it any time in the near future. And I know tell her she has a problem will only make things worse.
I'm just working on gathering the courage and strength to cut this off for my own good and my childs. I am just miserbale. I am miserable everytime I go over there and she sits on the computer the whole time and I can't touch her, hug her, kiss her or tell her I love her. She is happy in her new world and I just need to leave her to it. She will just have to find a way to maintain it on her her own because I am just about done being used.
My new favorite quote" Appreciate me while I am her or watch me as I leave. When you take something for granted you run the risk of losing it ". I have certainly learned this lesson the hard way through my computer addiction and other mistakes. I can only hope she will take something positive from being shut out of a promising future, but as I said in my last post- I doubt it will happen. She will just resent and spite me more for it.
I just watched the latest "Intervention" show. The Interventionist told the family of the addict while at their home to get their daughter into treatment: "if she says 'yes' to treatment, great, if not, anything else she says is just noise."
The point is, if she's not recovering, you're talking to or dealing with an addict.
Your daughter is being parented by an addict. Glad you are there for you daughter, since right now she has a one parent family.
Am I harsh? yes.
Dear Haterofevony,
This is a very tough situation. But, as tough as it is, it could turn around. There is an element of possibility in understanding psychological "laws." For example, now that you've had your "turn around" she may still be bitter about what you "put her through" during your own emotional absence, and the current, almost "flaunting" of her engagement with Evony, and the Evony folk, could be a, not very mature, but "back at you" of what you gave her...
She may enjoy having turned the tables on you, a bit, giving you a taste of your own medicine. Or, that may not be an element at all... she may just be enjoying her new found online community and/or fantasy relationships (they are fantasy, even though she may think of them as real.) Sometimes these fantasy relationships continue until the parties meet up - see this video - different game, but a scenario very similar to yours.
http://youtu.be/POE0nBKFo9Y
Online relationships are way easier than real life ones. But, they do have A LOT of drawbacks... mainly distance and the fact that they are fake and mostly based on the reflection of projections back at one another. Once the people meet in real life they are usually disappointed.
You have mentioned that it has been 6 - 9 months that she has been deep into the Evony game... how long were you in your computer obsessed phase? Was it also for that long of a time?
A couple of ideas come to mind. One, is to have a heartfelt conversation with her. Definitely out of the house and with a babysitter caring for your daughter. This is serious courtship stuff and should be over dinner. You would be:
1) telling her how sorry you are for your "time away" where you didn't support her emotionally because of the amount of time you were devoting to building the business, or whatever you were doing on the computer. From what you have written here this would be a very sincere declaration from you.
2) Tell her that the time you have spent apart has deepened your awareness of how important she and family life are to you. Tell her that you love her. That you have thought about Life in the long term, about where you are now and where you'd like to be in the future. How you'd like to be happy grandparents with her someday to your daughter's children.
3) Ask her if she's thought about what she wants for her future... does she feel the same way? If you sense a separation from her and really want to know, you could risk out right asking her, "Do you love me, too, and think that you might like to live together again some day? Is there anything I can do to help our relatiionship be strong again? What about going to marital counseling?
Having said the above, for some that are addicted to oline games, WITHDRAWAL of attention seems to work more... in other words, if you back off, she may draw closer again.
You could try communicating, something like outlined above, and if that doesn't work, her response is, no, doesn't feel the way you do... your absence, even if it's not physical because of your business and daughter's needs that you get together, but you emotional withdrawal, could serve to wake her up a bit. The only thing is, it would need to be without meanness, nasty talk, etc. Just giving space, no more comments about her absences or game playing...
The truth of the matter is, whatever the divorce laws are in your state, if you get a divorce you may end up having to "enable" her Evony online video game habit and the online friendships with strangers legally - you'd be paying her rent and living expenses, and possibly without her even working for the business anymore. A divorce could be cushy for someone like her that just wants to do the minimal in real life and be online playing a video game all day and all night long... but for you, it might give your own personal financial lifestyle a real hit for years... your having to support 2 households for a very long time. After all, your daughter's only 4 years old.
I hope that things work out for you before too long. Does she have family that visits her and sees what you see? Some people don't get that something's wrong. And she is working all day taking orders, as you say, and gaming at the same time.
Stay positive.
Serena
By the way, demands and nagging usually don't work and can drive a separation deeper...
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." Albert Einstein
"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Joan Baez
Serena,
Thank you for the suggestions and video. Very informative. Wow, alot of questions to answer. My selfish phase was longer, about 2-3 years. She put up with alot. If I wasn't on the computer all the time it was my phone or rooting through inventory, filling orders ect ect. I am quite sure you're right that she is 'giving it back to me' and enjoying it. She knows the pain this separation has caused and doesn't seem too concerned except with what is going on in the evony world and her with her evony friends. She told me the other day she actually lost sleep due to the 'drama' going on in her alliance. WTF is all I could think...
To answer your questions:
1)- Tried it and she doesn't want to hear it. I have went great lengths to show her genuine love and affection. For our 5 year anniversary back in sept, I made a scrapbook of our relationship. A very detailed and thoughtful scrapbook. What did I get? NOTHING. Not even a card. Oh and by the way I gave this to her on our Bahmas cruise which sucked because she treated me like dirt the whole time. The cruise itself was very dissapointing, but her cold treatment was the worst for me. For sweetest day, I gave her a very romantic gift. What did I get? FORGOTTEN. She claims she didn't know it was sweetest day, but I did honestly forget last year. I'm sure this was my payback. I know she didn't forget because I asked her out about a week prior to which she blew me off. And it's not just these 'big' gestures of love I have done. It is the every day little things that matter the most. Trying to be a friend, just being there for her, listening more and talking less, stepping up to the plate as a father. All to no avail.
2)- Again, tried talking. It is to the point if any conversation about us comes up, she ducks out as quick as possible. It is like talking to a brick wall and I stopped trying to talk a while ago.
3)- She has told me straight up she doesn't have those feelings anymore. Last we actually did talk, she said she was 'trying' to let me back in, but I have seen nothing I would call any real genuine effort. Did I mention ZERO intimacy of any kind.
So basically I just bring food everyday and I'm last to evony and all the people on it. And saying I'm last is probably a generous statement. I have worked very hard to change my contribution of the things that caused this, but I'm alone in my efforts. Yeah, I may have been a lousy husband, but she was not without faults either I'm not even going to waste the bandwidth to type them out. We are way past that at this point. She has never really owned up to her parts of the breakdown between us which makes reconciling even more improbable.
I really have no options left but to stop feeding her like it's my job and pull away so maybe she might actually have the chance to miss me. In my opinion, I have done 1000% more than most any man in this world would have done to save his marriage. I have given her the best I have to offer and if it's not going to be appreciated or valued then I am only disrespecting myself in the end. While I can sit here and see it, doing so is much harder. I do still love her very much and miss her like crazy. She can be very kind, generous, loving, and giving. She has huge heart. I saw it in the past and I see it again now with her evony obsession. Those people get the best of her, and me? well.....yeah.
To address your questions about her family, she has little relations with any of them. They leave her out of alot of things and this causes her alot of stress and sadness. There is no support or help for her there. They do not agree with our situation. They see the changes and effort I have put in to make things better and they also see her lack of effort and care so I have been told by more than one of them.
The only way this could get worse IS divorce. But if it does I know I can walk away knowing I did all I could. I truly hope it doesn't, but it's not looking good as of now. She caught me peeking at her computer screen the other day while she was in another room. Yeah, embarrassed to say the least, but it shows how much the trust has degraded. I want to trust her, but as long as evony and the people on it are coming first it's going to be tough.
As you mentioned, I also know nagging and such won't work. That's why I stopped trying to talk about it. I am not about to demand anything. I'm just going to cut off the food and probably the job shortly thereafter if something doesn't start changing soon. She is smart enough to figure out what is coming once I stop being there everyday like a lost puppy just waiting for attention from someone who doesn't care anymore.
I know this sounds coarse, but that is what I have been pushed to. I do still genuinely care for her and love her. But I am worth more than this extended ice cold treatment. Everyone has their limit and mine is generally much more than the average person. That says alot in itself. I never want to be like the guy in the video link you posted, but the longer I give myself and voluntarily provide, the more I see myself like that and in a nutshell. SCREW THAT!
Never imagined I would spill this much in an online forum. I can just see the heads shaking as this is being read LOL. And you thought your situation was jacked up? Welcome to my world!
Dear Haterofevony,
You write and communicate very well and it's hard to imagine the wife of someone like you being caught in the game. But, I guess that's a ridiculous thing to say, since people like mudphud, the eye doctor, and others posting here seem quite smart and they got up caught in video games for long periods. I have read what other husbands here have written about their wives... aside from video games dividing people from each other, the fact is, the divorce rate is very high... people change and I think more than anything, often have unrealistic expectations from marriage. I am not saying that regarding anything you have said at all... but, sometimes the spouse that is escaping into pixel la la land might have unrealistic expections and also just not realize what they are losing through their obsessive playing.
From what you've said, your plan to distance yourself for her does seem to be in order (you didn't say whether you'd asked her to join you for marital counseling, though... If you have and she said that she's not interested in seeing someone to help your relationship, then of course that is a sad indicator.)
There is a possibility for happiness for you in the future. But, it might be a good idea to find out the financial and child custodial ramifications of a legal separation and a divorce in your state before you begin to pursue something like that; that is, if you at some point feel that there is no longer any hope of reconciling and want to take steps towards the dissolution of your marriage.
Then again, if you simply give her space and withdraw your attention - yes, it might be best to tell her you'd rather she make other meal arrangements (there is your child, though - would you need to send her there with her food?) Say you need to do something else and/or you'd feel more comfortable if she made other arrangements for her meals rather than you deliver them anymore. Since you're no longer living together and you're tired of delivering her meals (or something.) Really, in order to let go of her (and see where she goes with that detachment from you) the bringing of meals is a tie you need to sever. It's too much servitude to someone that is not there for you in a loving manner.
The thing is, if you really want to see if she might just "wind down" about this whole thing, give it some time, maybe even a year or two (after all, you were "gone" for a few years) - you can just tell yourself you're not making any permanent changes, or burning any bridges, you're just going to give the two of you some space to see what happens... most likely you'll grow furthur apart, or she may come back to you once you've really let go, or have let go for sometime - Through Evony, she may pursue something with an idiot she meets who doesn't actually leave his wife or is not at all what she thought he was... and have a rude awakening (look at what happened to the woman in the link that I sent to you... she flew all the way to another country, leaving her husband and children, and it was obvious that the single unencumbered man she had been corresponding with was completely inappropriate for her... they didn't actually connect in a real way, it was evident that there was no chemistry... and she went back to her family.
The only way you can find out is to have a real separation... rather than this one-sided support system.
Let me know how it all works out for you.
Serena
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." Albert Einstein
"You don't get to choose how you are going to die. Or when.
You can only decide how you are going to live. Now." Joan Baez
Hi Haterofevony,
Thanks for sharing your story! No addict wants to be addict and that I can promise you, it is not anyone's fault. Gaming is a solution, not a problem althought later on it does become more problematic due to the unmanageability related to gaming consequences.
A person who chose gaming as a solution to deal with a life stressor and later become an addict often feels powerless over gaming (lack of the inablity to moderate). It is also important to realize that in order for the addict to get better, she/he must want to get better on his/her own.
I have created a personal blog to share my addict's experience with families who are suffering and I hope you will find it helpful.
http://olganon.org/?q=node/42035
Hugs,
Maggie
It's good to have goals and dreams, but while you're waiting for things to change, waiting for promises to come to pass, don't be discontent with where you are. Learn to enjoy the season that you're in--Pastor Joel Osteen
Wow I'm just blown away that this can do this to productive and happy people too so I feel like you but if you read the post by people who did nothing wrong while their significant others fell into this evil world(EVONY) also so it's not your fault I am like you in a way I will tell a story from the wife's point and share something few people in my on life hardly know
i was married to a guy since 17 had 2 beautiful boys with him he was 19 btw. But spent 15years with him cheating in 2 times (real life remind u) he drank and then got mean sometimes even physically harming me. I tried everything with and for this man . I went to beauty school via student loans became successful enough to support all of us enough so I had my own successful salon and threw myself into work and my boys where getting to the middle school years so their sports kept me busy and the last 5 of our 15 years urika he finally started to get it together..
He kept a really good job and had gotten sober working on the Alaska pipeline and becoming a great husband and father like u said but I just didn't knw that addicts will trade one for another he became a workaholic working sometimes 6 weeks only home two but I was fine with that because 1 money was finally not an issue 2 we got along better but then I got stupid after a car wreck I broke my back and he talked me into saleing my salon but he write away started taking control of all our income including my contributions.. He started controling my every move and yup drinking on his only two weeks home and gambling online 1000's a month
heres where I began to act as I think your wife did I got really sick one day and my son talked me into playing an online video game on play station where ppl have clans ands factions and interact with each other . At first I just love the attention and I'm an attractive woman and trust me a beautiful lady who is smart and funny and apparently very good at gaming I was a hot comdidy but just playful flirting and attention all change when one guy yes one guy was it he had everything incommon with me wasn't a drinking sweet outgoing funny handsome ect ect..
well my husband finally caught on because of phone records and message history ya knw what I mean .. He was mad at first and we agreed to do marriage counceling and a much needed first time romantic vacation but at that point I was still talking to the other guy I was just over it I was just saying in my mind "hey he has cheated abused and spent my money he can just flip the bill and this other guy I just can't let him go this could be something" my poor ex husband tried everything I would make deals with him like I would stay and play mom and wife as long as he left me alone about my gaming and take care of me finance my habbit but I started like you said ignoring my children they would come to me as young teens and knock on my door asking for dinner and I would just snap at them I even let that guy fly up to my state and stay at my house that my husband was paying for telling my sons as they went friends houses for the weekend that he was my best friends cousin and be like telling them not to tell dad because he would just come home from work and not let us have fun btw I'm soooo shameful for this I'm writing that tears are flowing..I feel like I was a snake and a **** and a gaming idiot
but he finally caught me and that man still would come to my BFF house where me and "tha boy toy as my ex put it " would be crying and begging outside yelling like out of a movie that he loved me and it was all his fault that he made me this way but I was just thinking I didn't care this new guy 10 yrs younger was just my soulmate i was sick!! I even moved back to Pa. Where. The boyfriend was from his family was controlling right from the beginng and although a sweet guy he took gaming further than me and his parents enable him by giving him money so he could not hold down jobs either and all that hot and heavy sexually passion we had started to fade then my dad got sick and we moved back to Alaska with my parents to help .. my ex husband was really putting it together for himself by this point he had met a lovely young lady I thought that's ok the boyfriend doesn't keep work consistently but he is so helpful and kind and sex isn't everything then my ex and his lady left state and got my so s back started working in rebuilding the trust I had broken with by boys and neglect that I use to justify with ohhh I'm just finally putting myself first well that chicken sh@" ur kids always need u weather 5 or 16 ... But
guess what now here is my current situation and I think warning for all people wanting to throw it all away for a game or a internet person... Now I live with my widowed mom cuz my dad died here in my arms I can't work because of my back and I don't have any other real skills like u said about your wife... my sons are doing great working going to school but I have no car. I got real sick last month from injections I was getting for my back which caused me to gain like 40 lbs and I broke out into full body psysorius or leasions and on food stamp program for the 1st time in my life and the only money I get is when my immature boyfriend has his rich parents send it to him via greendot.. As of 2 weeks now been waiting on the boyfriend's irs check to get us car but HE DISCOVERD EVONY so now I'm going through the begging and pleading like my husband use to and deal making..I've become so codependent on him I don't even drive I cry and and begg and he just plays games told me it wasn't other women it was out of Bordom and missing friends back east and when I catch him skyping other woman he just gets mad and gets on the phone telling his dad to get him a ticket I have givin everything up for him and he isn't even the same guy he cold unless I'm really crying and then the sympathy is minimal.. Fast forward now officially 4 yrs
so I should have even if it ended In divorce worked out my real world before fantasy I should have even though my ex made mistakes and was not good to me always atleast for my on self respect did it the right way and not givin my heart 100% to a boy that I had no marital commitment or children with cuz at the end he is just leaving me for girls that he barely knows on a game that isn't real after 4 years!! atleast my ex would be working and providing and fight for us and we had a relationship built on real history not just something you delete off your phone and out of skype she will hit bottom and hard but 6 months 6 years who knows and you should just take care of you and that baby she will have learn the hard way because I don't knw everything about that evony game but listen former addicts those ppl who played evony community don't even care if just leave and stop playing even if she makes a connection with some1 he will drop her for the real passion of their lives (evony) fake world!! even if they are the sweetest richest guys no one cares if she has rent money like u and no cares how ur child views her but u ask her if anyone ever even asked for pics of ur child ??bet not ..ask if any of them can take care of her financial needs?? nope... You could even show her this post about a woman who once might of had a bad marriage but atleast had dignity and was truly loved and now alone with her old widowed mother and a shell of who she once was but really u would probably just be waisting your breath ..just like how they show alcoholcis gross livers and testamony from children in films how it ruined their lives but they still drink anyways you can't fix her sweetheart u gotta let her hit bottom and it's ugly u don't wanna be to close to that fire!! my ex has been trying to consul me in text telling I always could have done better but he is happy healthy and a better man he says because of me but totally in love with another and I'm alone just waiting to watch the one I love hop on a plane to pa and live life blissfully and sickeningly online with his new EVONY family while I'm here alone and 5 steps back in my life .. I commend u for trying be it out of guilt or love but love yourself forgive yourself and when your ready give that new and improved guy to a worthy person
While it seemed like a really bad experience "Was blissful", that was extremely hard to read and understand. Not to mention bumping a thread from 2012. Anyway, I hope everything turned out okay for you and the OP.
Wow. I remembered posting here several years ago. I've seen numerous replies and years after the original post. Thank you all for your insights and support. So fast forward 4 plus years later and here is the update. I sign divorce papers any day now. We went through an awful divorce that dragged out for years because she tried to take my business and/or a large sum of money. She ultimately failed. She got some money, but a far cry from the 6 figure settlement she thought was coming and May last her a year tops. Not long after my last post in 2012 the worst thing yet happened. Infidelity. I was told by a mutual friend she had been cheating on me long ago. I didn't believe it and tried to approach her about it twice to get her side. But soon as I brought up anything about me/her she literally told me to leave cause she didn't want to hear it. After the second time I fell into the deepest despair yet and found a "rebound". Needless to say when she found out paper work came within a few months. When I finally did tell her I knew what she did she denied it fiercely. I pleaded I tried to communicate but to no avail.
I actually tried to stop the divorce several times but she wouldn't have anything to do with that once she realized a large settlement was possible (in her mind inevitable). Her lawyer sucked and in the end she gets chicken scratch for money.
She is now in a serious relationship with another man and from the looks of things they move in together soon. She has known for months a large sum of money was not to be had and she hasn't done much beyond having a meager part time job and some side landscaping work to be financially stable. I predict this guy will "carry" her the same way I did for years.
Min retrospect the gaming was not the core problem, but a symptom of a spouse that didn't love her husband. She still plays, but nothing to the extent she did during our year separation since she has to work now. I hate to admit I feel bad as her situation was largely self inflicted. I still help her a little bit as a decent human being, but nothing to the extent of supporting her.
I did at one point offer her a job and to help her out of the hole if she wanted to come home and try to start over. I am forced to face the reality that that was just a desperate plea. While I certainly would've followed through, she still chooses the other guy over me do that leaves little to the imagination.
I do my best for my kid and that's all I can do. I haven't even dated since we split in 2011, but I'm just now coming around to the idea of getting out there again. She surely hasn't held back as this is her 2nd long term relationship since then.
I have come to realize I am responsible for my own happiness and continuing to sit here to hope and dream only ends in continued disappointment and depression. I will always love her, but I will just have to it from a distance. There is someone out there that has just as much to give as me and they will actually give it instead of leaving me feeling sad, alone, and empty inside.
I have never had my kids moms time beyond the plates of food I used to bring. Nothing at all. Not even a casual drink or hang out. It is what it is so they say. I can only wish her the best and hope for my child's sake her new relationship lasts so there is some stability on her watch. As for me it's way past time for me to get happy and that starts today.
Welcome back!
Thanks for sharing your update. You deserve to find love and happiness now. All the best to you!
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