Tuesday night, I had a breakdown. Hearing my husband explain the boss fight for the raid after I just got home from a long 12-hour shift, with dishes in the sink, and counters needing cleaned ... I needed release. So, I let go and slowly slid my back down the wall and sat.. and wept.. and wept. I felt defeated against my good intentions to take care of myself no matter what my husband was doing.
He walked over, put his hand on my shoulder and quickly asked me what was wrong. I had no clue what was wrong with me at the time. I was just, completely breaking down. I told him it was because we were out of milk... because I was tired... because I just needed to cry. Whatever the reason was, he told me he was there if I needed him, and then he went back to his raid and left me crying.
My dog curled up on my lap... my 4 year old gave me her Hello Kitty band-aid... my 2 year old kissed my boo boo... and they sat by me, for as long as it took.. they were there for me, when he wasn't.
That night, I woke up at midnight with acid reflux. Went into the kitchen to take something for it, and he was still awake, playing the game.
I drew the invisible line, and told him he was no longer allowed to cross my line unless it involved our children. He was no longer allowed to communicate with me, touch me, anything... unless it had to do with our kids. I told him that if the roles were reversed and my spouse was in the middle of a breakdown, nothing else in my life would be as important as supporting my spouse through it.
He turned off the game.
Said all the right things.
Apologized.
Promised he would change.
I forgave him.
I let him cross my line again. I let him back in. Because I love him, and I believed him.
This morning he called me at work to let me know our children made a huge mess in their bedroom, as he was sleeping. He wanted to know what kind of punishment they should get... I refused to suggest punishment, he was the one that should be punished for sleeping while they were awake. I was angry, knowing he was up late gaming.
Tonight, he was gaming from 6:30-still now... I crawl into my bed alone again as he continued his gaming. He's been gaming all day (while watching our kids mind you).
Tomorrow I'll be going to my 2nd therapy session. I know I can do this. I know I can stay strong. I know it will get better.
Even when he says he'll change, do I even want him to? I'm already mindset on leaving him... but when, and how? Is that really what I want or is that the only outcome I can see in my future?
Please also try Nar-Anon http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html
You definitely need more support. Big hugs.
Sadwaffle,
I wonder if one of all the right things was giving up gaming for his family? I was in the exact same space as you husband and no matter how many promises I made, while I was still gaming they all eventually fell thru as the game dominated all my actions.
You are correct to question and draw lines. Unless he puts you and the kids first and not yet another Raid you are going to get this rollercoaster. That line you have is going to have to become a wall in my opinion and force the issue. As long as he assumes he can cross it he will manipulate, decieve and ignore until he knows he has pushed it too far. Then he will hold out the olive branch, make peace and when he feels it has settled down go right back to the game. I did it so I know the routine.
I love the band-aid by the way, how is it kids inherantly know just the right thing to do and us adults can screw it up so bad?
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
~ Mark Twain
The kids are mature; the gamer is being childish and irresponsible (like I was when gaming).
Big hugs.
*hugs* sadwaffle. Please remember addiction is a sickness. He's sick. He can't see through his addiction. I agree with Pat....get to an anon meeting.
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson
It's been 4 years since I wrote this post. And yet here I am again, feeling the same hurt and dealing with the same issues. Only this time, I'm ready to divorce him. His new choice of drug was Magic the Gathering since he quit WoW. After WoW, it was Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. No matter what hobby he picks up, he picks it up 110% and invests his entire self into it, leaving me and the kids behind or out of sight, out of mind.
This time, he said he'll change. This time, he said he's sorry. Only this time, it's too late. I'm done hurting. I'm ready to move on and file for divorce.
Welcome back sadwaffle. Thanks for sharing. 4 years is a long time to be suffering the same hurt feelings. It must be very hard and frustrating that nothing has really changed. We cannot make them change. They have to really want to recover for themselves and not just to please someone, to be able to make the lasting changes. You need to look after you and do what you have to do. Hugs xx
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Thank you Polga, making the decision to leave and telling him was the hardest thing I've ever done.