EVE is going to ruin my marriage

11 posts / 0 new
Last post
EVEwidow83
Offline
Last seen: 12 years 4 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 01/27/2012 - 6:50am
EVE is going to ruin my marriage

My husband is an offshore engineer, so he's gone for 2 weeks then home for 2 weeks. Every single day he's home, from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep, he's playing his game (AKA drug) of choice - EVE. It used to be WoW. He works odd hours, so he often wakes up at 4 or 5 in the morning and begins playing, which wakes me up. He plays until 1 or 2am, then sleeps midday during "downtime". He won't even eat until downtime! He'll wake up at 4am and not move or even use the bathroom until noon. He acts like I'm the unreasonable one for telling him to shut up when he's typing and talking at 4am, and I have to get up for work at 7am. He doesn't care about me any more.

The man I married was a loving, considerate partner, but now I'm married to a selfish child. He claims that because he works so hard for 2 weeks, he should be able to come home and play as much as he likes. I would be fine if it was limited to a few hours a day - hell, even 5 or 6 hours - but it's a 16-hour a day addiction.

The people he plays with are losers who bring him down. He joined a corp and was "promoted", and they claim that they'll kick him out if he doesn't put in as many hours as he does. None of them have jobs and most are single or divorced (no wonder), so it's easy for them to be complete losers who do nothing. They convince him I'm an unreasonable nag for asking him to not play all day, every day. It's not just a hobby; it's an addiction, and it's ruining our marriage.

I go over to give him a kiss and he complains that he's too busy and I'm bothering him. It breaks my heart. I just want to come home after working all day and have a husband who is happy to see me and wants to spend time with me. Lately, it's been nothing but fighting about his game. I have even resorted to not cooking him dinner, because I'm at work all day, come home to a mess and a husband who can't pick up after himself, so why should I prepare him a meal? When I do, he just complains that he's in the middle of a fleet when dinner is ready, wants to bring his laptop to the table, then doesn't even stay long enough to thank me for dinner or wait for me to finish. I stop at the store and buy a one-person ready meal for my dinner, and refuse to stock food in the house for him. If he wants food, he can go get it himself from now on! Of course, he told his "friends" (fellow addicts) what I've started doing, and they said I'm a woman and should be cooking for him. They're sexist jerks. I used to take care of him, because I love him and want to make him happy, but when he doesn't appreciate anything I do, why do it?

It doesn't help that he's on an oil rig half the time, where he's taken care of - he has his bed made daily, his clothes cleaned, his food served to him, and he expects that treatment when he's at home. We should be equal partners - I work more hours, and I work everyday, so it would be nice to come home to a clean house once in a while. He works hard, but he lives in our home, too. I'll clean it, but he could at least pick up his things from the floor. I leave a spotless house, then come home to complete messes (pizza boxes on the floor, dirty clothes everywhere, spills in the kitchen) that I'm expected to clean up. The only thing he will do is take out the garbage once in a while, when he decides he needs a cigarette or to go to the shop for some beer. He often stays up all night drinking non-stop, and I think he not only has a gaming addiction, but also a drinking problem.

Fortunately, I can manage to get him out of the house for dinner occasionally, but he has an app on his phone that tells him what is going on in his game, so 25% of his time, he's on his **** phone. I booked a 3-week holiday a few months ago to a place where we only had access to email via slow dial up internet a few times a week. You know what he did when we actually had internet? Checked his EVEmail! It's pathetic. But, when it was just us enjoying a backpacking trip, we had a great time and I had my husband back. I want my husband all the time. When he is being my sweet, caring husband, it's nice, but I know it's only because EVE is down for maintenance. He jokes that EVE is 1st and I'm 2nd, and doesn't understand why that makes me sob each time he says it.

I've read replies on other sites from gamers that claim we're nags, we put ourselves in this situation, and our SO's should be allowed a hobby. I wouldn't nag if it really was a hobby. It's an addiction. Many people go out and drink casually, but when they drink all day, every day, it's alcoholism. It's the same thing. When you neglect your family, treat your spouse like crap and sit in one spot all day, barely eating anything, you have a problem. I wish he could just play a few hours a day, but he doesn't have the ability. He needs a lot of help.

The most recent issue is that he's working on an online degree, and failed a class for not turning in his work. He was procrastinating and doing it at the last minute, and now he's stopped completely. I expected him to be an adult, since we're paying for this with our own money, and it's not cheap. I shouldn't have to be his mother and make sure he does his homework. He's been sucked into a game with LOSERS. He's also to blame, but having people tell him that he has to play or he loses his spot in their corp is ruining his life and his chances at a better future. He will be really excited about getting a degree and being able to advance in his career, but then if he's playing and has an assignment to do, he decides he's content where he is and doesn't care about getting a degree. After putting around PS7,000 into his education, I would hope he wants to actually get his degree. He has even asked me to do his work for him, because I have a master's degree in a related field, so know how to do his assignments. I'm highly motivated and enjoy school, so his attitude towards learning baffles me. He's incredibly smart and could easily finish his degree without any issues, but his lack of motivation due to EVE is the only thing holding him back.

I love him, I vowed to be with him through everything, so I'm not leaving until I know everything has been done possible to salvage our marriage. I can't imagine bringing children into this situation. I couldn't do that to a child, but I would like a baby within the next 5 years. I don't want to be in this situation in 10 year's time, though, so something needs to be done now.

I think we need counseling, but I'm afriad he'll try to turn this on me and not try to confront his addiction. He'll end up lying and trying to make me look like the bad guy. I've brought the issue up with his parents and his REAL friends (not online "friends", who I constantly tell him aren't his real friends), but he manages to convince them that I'm just needy and want ALL of his attention, which isn't true.

What can I do?!?

EVE_OFFFline
EVE_OFFFline's picture
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 7 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/10/2012 - 7:33am
Hi Evewidow.  i know what

Hi Evewidow.

i know what you mean. Your husband probably has gatecamp duty to defend his nullsect where he must camp 4 hours a day to prevent strangers to enter controlled space. I started to play when we had a crying baby and she wanted to sit with me and not mom...doesnt matter now..

The advantage is Eve is not ultra addictive - I quit is months ago and did not feel any withdrawal. no that came later - So quiting may be easier, but Eve is the most complex game ever made, and its all about loyalty, working together- trust and command lines. You can advance in the game without playing what makes thing easier , and I think that loners can play it casual without WOW effects etc. Eve is close to a real world with its own economy, mining, producion and wars .The developers work hard to make the game last longer and longer. And I estimate it would take 15 years to finish it...considering it doesnt grow.

But the downside is, in order to dominate the game, you must work for at least 8 hours a day, and that is why Eve is as close a real job. And that is what killing people who have a life They grow tired. What starts as an innocent paste time, results in a rapid virtual carreer, what requires more and more time each day the character progresses. And the reward in this game is long terms ...So the good news is quiting eve is not hard. Maybe this game is a great pasttime for pensioners during winter months too , or rainy days who cannot sit still. But in your case, ask him to quit as EVE will save his account so not all is lost.

You also may wish to have your hubby read this site as the dangers of endless online gaming are exhaustion and hormonal disbalances causing not to have joy in other things apart from gaming what is actualy caused by dopamine. But again.Eve is not the worst addiction in life so good hope you convince him to stop ... The people he play against he cannot win from anyway as they play 16 hours a day ..I wouldnt call them all loosers, but they are very much braindead. I havent missed Eve online a single day but if I ever get pensioned...I dont consider a career unless by that time I found a way to overcome game addiction :)

pre- diagnosed with Autism.

Silvertabby
Silvertabby's picture
Offline
Last seen: 1 year 3 months ago
OLGA memberOLGA moderator
Joined: 11/23/2010 - 4:42pm
Hi EVEwidow and welcome to

Hi EVEwidow and welcome to Olga-non. It breaks my heart to read your story. Unfortunately that's what addiction does to us. The game becomes first in our life and everything else falls away in importance. The worst part is that he has to realize how gaming has negatively affected his life himself before he can get help to quit...you can't tell him...he won't listen.

The best thing you can do is just what you've started doing - don't do anything for him to enable him to play. Let him suffer the consequences for his addiction. I would highly encourage you to go to a Nar-anon or Alanon meeting to get some face to face help for yourself in dealing with an addict. In addition, keep reading posts here and posting for the support and encouragement this website has to offer. You don't have to deal with this alone. I wish you all the best.

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

Patria
Patria's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 10 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 06/02/2011 - 1:55am
It sounds like your husband

It sounds like your husband is now a gaming addict.

It can happen.

Take this test for him:

http://www.olganon.org/?q=self_tests_on_gaming_addiction

These are suggestions that I tried when my husband was drinking alcoholically:

1. Join a Nar-Anon meeting for face to face support;

http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html

2. Hire a housecleaner...We both worked.

3. Get involved in your own life and life activities; the more you ignore "him" the better off you will be. Don't worry if he and the friends call you names because they will anyway, no matter what you do. It's a common thing among gamers.

I know this because I was also a gamer, and can remember being annoyed at the wives "who wouldn't let their husband have a bit of fun." I'm very sorry I participated in this; I had no idea how awful it is for the families of gamers.

4. Take care of yourself and your needs. When he decides to become a husband again you can include him in your life. Go for trips by yourself or with friends, take classes, go to the gym, etc. I took my grandfather on a trip through Canada by train, went for a week to Hawaii, took piano classes, etc.

Nothing gets their attention faster then when they are ignored and you look glowing and happy.

These are harsh things, I know, but the gamer/addicted person needs some reality otherwise they won't know what they are doing to everyone around them. If you act like the well-put-together woman who can take care of yourself without needing him to do it for you, he might sit up and take notice.

I quit when my husband wouldn't enable me anymore. It took awhile for me to quit, but quit I did. I tried the "I'll moderate or play casual" routine with him to get him off my back, but he only fell for that fantasy once.... Wow, didn't like that, but it got my attention.

Good luck!

(p.s. he did quit drinking and I quit gaming.)

EVE_OFFFline
EVE_OFFFline's picture
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 7 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/10/2012 - 7:33am
I see good prospect. I found

I see good prospect. I found EVE online much fun, but its reasonably easy to stop compared to other stuff out there, I found. Dont give up :)

pre- diagnosed with Autism.

EVEwidow83
Offline
Last seen: 12 years 4 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 01/27/2012 - 6:50am
I confronted him today, and

I confronted him today, and it was the most serious I've ever been about leaving. I've even looked at plane tickets to go back home to my family and have begun talking to my friends about what my options are. I moved to another country to be with him, so leaving isn't simple. It would be a 6,000 mile move. He was completely apathetic when I told him to change or I'd leave. He said, "I'd miss you", but that he was unwilling to change. He asked me, "What would I do if I didn't play EVE?" and told me that many of the guys he works with that have the same type of schedule drink all day or gamble all day, and he's doing something much better than that. He said that I should get a hobby. I explained to him that working all day and taking care of him, I have little time for hobbies, but hiking, bicycling and playing tennis in my women's league when I can are my hobbies. Apparently, to him, those aren't hobbies. He said he has plenty of hobbies - playing EVE and drinking. He's delusional. He's also overweight due to not moving all day. He's gained 40lb in the past 3 years since he started playing. I want a husband that will be with me into old age, and the way he treats his body, he's going to die at a young age. We used to go on walks and explore the city, but we haven't done that in over a year. When we actually do go out, we meet up with friends and he chugs as many drinks as he can in a short period of time, to the point where he's so drunk he has to go home within two hours or so. He thinks the only reason to leave the house is for alcohol. I just keep seeing what a sad person he's become, and I don't want to be brought down by him any more.

We also discussed his degree, and he's decided that he's going to quit, because he claims he doesn't need it. The truth is, he's a lazy POS who can't spend an hour out of his "busy" day to study. Just one hour a day during the two weeks when he's home would be enough to finish his degree. That's nothing! He's too smart to be doing this to himself. I spent six long years of hard work to get my bachelor's and master's degrees, while he spent two years in college, partying, and ended up leaving due to having a 0.01 GPA. He's lucky to be in the field he is, because oil pays VERY well. It allows him to live his lazy lifestyle and be paid to sit around, doing nothing for weeks at a time. I left my very good job to move here and be with him, and now I work a job where I'm hardly challenged and am far too qualified for what I do. When we fight, he often puts me down for not having as good a job as him. I work very hard for very little, and he tells me it's a waste of my time and I shouldn't work, or I should find a better job. The last thing I need is to be put down, because I work **** hard. He doesn't know the meaning of hard work. Nepotism got him his job.

He heard me crying earlier today when I was writing my previous post, and yelled from the next room, "What's wrong with you?" in an angry tone, then continued talking to his "friends". I asked him to take a walk with me earlier, and he said he was busy. I asked him to watch a movie with me, but he was busy. I asked him if he could go with me to IKEA tomorrow to get a massive shelving unit we've talked about getting for months, but he can't be bothered. He said I could do it myself. I can't lift it, he knows it, but doesn't want to take an hour out of his day to help me.

He thinks my concern about bringing a child into our situation is ridiculous. He's become a selfish person, and I would NEVER have a child with someone who would be unwilling to do anything for our child. I would be doing everything, while he sits and plays his game. I told him that I don't have many years left to have a baby, and there's no way in hell I'm going to stick around and hope he changes. I deserve to be happy in life and be with someone who appreciates me and is willing to make sacrifices. I'm the only one who has made any sacrifices in our marriage, and now I'm done. I say this as a person who doesn't believe in giving up on a marriage, but I don't see any other options any more.

Maybe some people will claim that EVE isn't an addictive game, but it is. I'm married to proof that it is. I tried to explain to him earlier that when something is affecting his life so much, by destroying his marriage and hurting the people that care for him, it's a problem. He thinks I'm out of line and I need to change, not him. I was told to get a REAL hobby - apparently my hobbies aren't good enough for him, although they get me out of the house, keep me healthy and let me socialise with other people. Well, I'm going to have plenty of time for my hobbies soon, when I don't have to deal with him any more.

I don't even feel like trying to salvage it any longer. I love him. I want to be with the OLD him, but I deserve better.

Patria
Patria's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 10 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 06/02/2011 - 1:55am
EVE_OFFFline wrote: I see
EVE_OFFFline wrote:

I see good prospect. I found EVE online much fun, but its reasonably easy to stop compared to other stuff out there, I found. Dont give up :)

Nothing is easy to quit once someone is addicted to something. That includes Eve or Free Cell, just ask those here who were addicted to them.

But they have to want to quit, and it doesn't sound like your husband wants to. Or change in anyway.

We can't tell you what to do about whether to stay or go. But I agree with you, don't bring a child into that situation; a bad situation now would only get 100% worse.

You do deserve better.

EVE_OFFFline
EVE_OFFFline's picture
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 7 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/10/2012 - 7:33am
I take back what I said. You

I take back what I said. You husband is far more addicted then I thought and already entered the stage where he - And dont make any mistake about this - he TRULY believes that only happy people are people addicted. That is why he wants you to be addicted , as he thinks your unhappiness is caused by not connected to the game. And the bizarre thing is, he probably means it well in his own way as he believes it.

He is beyond to imagine someone who is not addicted is in fact happier. Alcoholics have the same, that Is whay they always come up to me giving me a drink - what I kindly refuse - as they seem to feel sorry for my sobriety. Minds he will quit and then continues only for showcase. Your husband needs help, from someone who must get through to him telling he lost reality. Getting upset with him wont help. What may work you try to convince him he is neurotoxic intoxicated and he must sober up to get well. But again, nothing will force him to stop but himself. Only you need to convince him. He also needs urgent counceling. this is not about you, but about him now. He destroys all around him but in his illness he consider its th eprice to pay.

pre- diagnosed with Autism.

Andrew_Doan
Andrew_Doan's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 months 4 days ago
OLG-Anon memberOLGA memberOutreach
Joined: 06/13/2011 - 9:37am
Oh my, this passion for

Oh my, this passion for games sound like me during my 10 years of "obsessing over a hobby", that absorbed 40 to 50 hours every week!

It took me hitting bottom with my wife filing for divorce before I woke up, but still it took another 4 years for me to finally quit gaming.

The problem is that society does not consider video game addiction as serious as gambling or drinking. It is clear your husband feels the same when he says his "hobby" is not as bad as his friends who drink or gamble all day.

I know you love him, however you can lead a horse water but you cannot make him drink.

Andrew P. Doan, MPH, MD, PhD

My Gaming Addiction Videos on YouTube: YouTube.com/@DrAndrewDoan

*The views expressed are of the author's and do not necessarily reflect the official policy of the U.S. Navy, DHA or Department of Defense.

Patria
Patria's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 10 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 06/02/2011 - 1:55am
mudphud wrote: The problem
mudphud wrote:

The problem is that society does not consider video game addiction as serious as gambling or drinking. It is clear your husband feels the same when he says his "hobby" is not as bad as his friends who drink or gamble all day.

I remember gaming with the guys (and a few females) who said the very same thing to their spouses: I'm at least home, not drinking or carrying on with other women.

Well, now that I am game free, I realize it's very much the same thing. He might as well be out at a bar; his connection to his family is just as nonexistent.

Society doesn't recognize it yet (except for China and Korea) but it will. We're just the tip of the ice burg.

EVE_OFFFline
EVE_OFFFline's picture
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 7 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/10/2012 - 7:33am
I gamed for year until

I gamed for year until suddenly I recognized I was addcited. Then I stopped realizing what it had done. Its unbelievable so few countries admit the danger. This is at least as dangerous as drinking and drugs. Online gaming is not a hobby . Drinking one bottle of whisky a day I a hobby neither. Yet we say drinking the bottle is wrong....

pre- diagnosed with Autism.

Log in or register to post comments