I had no idea how much I was anethsthetizing myself with online "connecting." I'm so angry right now I could scream. I've been hiding from troubles in my marriage and family life, and honestly, I've kept myself from seeing how bad it is. My husband was diagnosed w/ ADHD last summer (I've been diagnosed for 2 1/2 years now) and thing have gotten somewhat better in our marriage since his treatment started. But now that I'm pregnant again ( after begging him to get a vasectomy, because I've gotten preg 7 times on EVERY form of birth control, & I'm at high risk for getting an ectopic pregnancy if Iget sterilized while he's still fertile.) I'm once again sick all the time, and he can't seem to handle it at ALL when I'm sick. He avoids me, he gets frustrated because the house is so messy, he hates that he's so far behind at work, and I'm left here alone w/ the toddler while the big kids are at school, praying that I'll have the stamina to keep up with her. We're 12 hours away from his closest family membees . I have disconnected from my parents and family because they're substance abusers and horribly mentally ill/abusive. Heck, as a kid, video games may have been a way to dissociate from how chaotic my family life was. I don't want to make excuses for my compulsive internet addiction NOW, but the truth is that I don't know how to cope with what's going on in my marriage. I want us to get some counseling. I want to feel special & loved, not like a burden he has to take care of. Heck, I went to the WIC office yesterday (because w/ the new pregnancy, we now qualify. Puke. I HATE this!). And they treated me like the most high-risk case they'd ever seen. "You've lost HOW many pregnancies? You have HOW many food allergies? You're nauseous for HOW many hours of the day?" They took care if me and coddled me, & made me feel like they were all my long-lost grandmas. I was able to wait till I got outside to my van to cry. Today before he left, my husband gave me an "if you feel like it" chore list. :(
And while I was typing that, I was nursing the toddler. She fell asleep, and then bit me so hard that I bled. That has *never* happened before, & I just burst into tears.
The withdrawals are really difficult Taylor. Please hang in there. Have you seen that withdrawal list? I can remember feeling all over the place, depressed, angry, crying...I was a mess. Please hang in there and know THIS WILL PASS!! It will lesson. I also hear you have a lot on your plate. It's hard when it all hits at once I know. We are here for you! Good job for posting here!
Oh gosh, Ex, I just read the list, & I didn't even think of my responses as stemming from"withdrawl!!" I thought it was just all of my feelings coming out of hiding! There may be some truth to that, but in reality, I now know that I need to ask myself "is this really true, or is it withdrawl?" before I react. Thank you.
I texted my husband and said, "I just had this mental image of me on chemo or a dialysis machine, & you handing me a chore list." He called later with heart-felt repentance, saying that's *never* what he meant to communicate, and that he wants me to take care of myself and the baby. I really appreciated that. I was still so angry that he didn't see me, but at least we were able to talk about it. < 3.
Good for you! Glad your husband recognized his actions and made you feel he understood. That's great! Give this some thought....imho it's not whether it's "real" or not. Of course your feelings are real! But things get amplified with withdrawals. So if there was a feeling there prior to stopping your game which is FB, it can become even stronger with withdrawals. I think that it's all intertwined personally. At least for me it was.
It's not to say every feeling you have is withdrawals, but withdrawals *are* real and some of what you are experiencing could be them...let me say most likely are them.
Glad you're here! Keep coming back!
Welcome to the world we have all been avioding...
It does get better...
leveling in steps, serenity, sponcys, sponsors, exercise, and sleep, (sanity has been downsized) sober from all electronic games since 11/19/2010
Hugs, Taylor. Withdrawal is really tough, and odds are pretty good that withdrawal is involved in what you're experiencing right now. Odds are also really good that you were medicating all kinds of things with the facebooking, and now that the "medication" is gone, they're starting to show up with a vengeance. On that point, I can only echo what Hirsh just said...welcome to the world we've all been avoiding (myself included), and yes, it does get better. Hugs...
When you're going through hell...keep going. --Winston Churchill There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still --Corrie ten Boom