I Want to help my husband...

Welcome to OLGA, Amandamcw. The best thing you can do to help him is to continue taking care of yourself and your children. Read the other posts of wives of addicts on this site as well as posts by us addicts. That will help you understand what you're up against and that you're not alone. I highly recommend you contact an Al-anon group in your area and attend face-to-face meetings to give you the additional support you'll surely need. Big hugs. Glad you found OLGA.

Hi amandamcw and welcome to Olga. Dealing with a spouse that is addicted to gaming is really like dealing with any other kind of addict and the first thing I would encourage you to do is, like Gettingalife said, go to an anon group such as Al-anon or Nar-anon. It is a very frustrating existence and unfortunatly yelling, crying, trying to control, etc. has no effect on your gamer, other than to perhaps make them want to spend more time gaming.

When we are addicted to gaming, it simply takes over our life and the game becomes our number one priority in life. Unfortunately we can't see that. To us it is normal. I was gaming 12+ hours a day and saw nothing wrong with that. It's pretty crazy. He must realize for himself that he has a problem with excessive gaming before he can do anything about it. The best thing you can do is to not enable him by doing anything for him and taking care of yourself and kids. Keep coming back here for the help and support you so desperately need. Best of luck to you.

Amanda. I am sorry for the situation you are in. But fear not, there is always hope but you need to act carefully. Please print my reply as I dont want to talk about your husband, but as to him although I continue to talk to you now.

I have gamed 25 years, until I learned this year, while I was depressed, that my depression was a result from excessive gaming. Every time a gamer plays, high levels of Dopamine are released in the brain which makes us gamers feel so good. It is the same as an alcoholic or cocaine addict experiences each time they take a hit or drink and like those addicts, we start to believe we cannot do without. After a while we get used (tolerance) to the quantity of Dopamine, so we need more.and more ..and more. Unfortunatly this affects our emotional brain and our social brain parts too. in other words. The brain gets damaged each time we gamers play. And the damage will not be repaired as long we play. Please tell this your husband. His brain is dying just like a crack/cocaine addict who is using also kills his brain. Only recently this has been proven in China.

The good news is , when he stops..his brain will start to heal, and in a few days he will start to feel better. Like we all do. In that period any addictive substance ( even coffee) should be avoided as those also can cause dopamine to release.

The online games exploit addicted people's behaviour to their advantage enslaving your husband from a place he cannot escape. It is important to understand this, as algorithms, extremely powerful ones, do predict behaviour and lead your husband to places he likes the most in his virtual world. Then he will be given impossible goals increasing his obsessed compulsary thoughts.

Your husband is now socially and emotionally addicted but also disabled. This means his brain can no longer work as it should work while not gaming, as soon the Dopamine is gone...and it stops when he stops playing.

This means as soon you start to shout or beg, his only defense is to game even more. When you say you are hurt, he will try to imagine but cannot.

In fact, in the end, I thought that if my wife would game too, she would become as happy as i was. Not that I was happy. But I believed I was happy. But reality may snap him out. Talk about him instead. Just tell him.,reading this, that as explained his brain is dying. And like many famous people now using drugs the solution can be two ways; stop using his addiction ( gaming, internet, any obsessive hobby) or Die ( like we had Amy Whinehouse, Witney Houston, Kurt Cobain to name a few very famous persons using very lots of drugs and obviously were very depressed)

The high quantaty of Dopamine makes gamers depressed, especially when they don't play. So its not that they game out of depression, but the other way around. It can also be a problem that did already exist that gaming addiction makes worse.

In addition, I  advise on top of trying to convince him to stop,  make a list of things you want to do , when there is no PC left at home. Like playing board games.(with the kids, probably one is old enough to play simple games) to play outside with the kids like football. To go out hiking, cycling in family events. But also allow him some time for himself like to study, or read a novel. Or take time to study the effects of Dopamine, Adrenaline, Amfertime and Cortisol on the human brains.

I stopped online gaming 2 months ago and felt much better after the first terrible days of withdrawal. The idea of not gaming made me sick. But now I can't remember why I would think that. And that happens to your husband. When you talk to your husband. His conscious brain wants to tell you, "yes I am not a kid,,I should not play these games..you are right". But his reptile brain, where exploration, emotion, and reward ( what cause the addiction) live, keep shouting : "GAME GAME GAME GAME"...and that part of his brain is now overruling his conscious,  free will.

if your husband stops try to encourage him by reward ( so no punishment if he fails) since after a few days we all try again...but as long the seed of doubt is planted in his brain carefully, it may help him to wake up.

Also never have your children PLAY !!!. At least not in isolation. Also have them games where they can learn something, or have kinekt or wii so they excercise..or have them use learning aid software. HAve also fixed times for them to play, and never online ( so 60 minutes maximum) Gaming addiction is genetic, so its possible they may have problems later..Advise them, and perhaps this convince your husband too, as he is really being a wrong example to them.

Silvertabby,

I was reading your post and it reminded me so much of my BF. How did you change your lifestyle? He will come home from work and be on the XBox by 6pm and game til 2 or 3 in the morning and he gets up for work at 7:30am but he struggles to get out of bed. He is always tired and has bloodshot eyes. On the weekends he games ALL NIGHT and ALL DAY. He starts Friday night at 6pm and stays up til 5 or 6 Saturday morning, sleeps til noon and then he's back at it. He has digestive issues, has been to the doctor for physical therapy because his sciatic nerve has caused him some serious pain and snores like crazy. We can't even sleep in the same room anymore. I have tried talking to him about it and he doesn't see it as a problem. His reply is "Well at least I'm home. I'm not out partying or with other women. You know right where I am." This doesn't make me feel any better. He has lost touch with all his friends because all he can talk about is gaming. I have taken up gaming, to a point, to understand why he enjoys it....and I get it but I don't understand sacrifing your health for it. Perfect example, last night he gets home late from work and says he's going to play for 30 min and then go to bed. Now I know this is not going to happen, so I say that, he gets upset at me. But sure enough, he is up til midnight or later playing and he had to be up early today for work, 5am. He was suppose to complete some work this weekend and did not do it because he gamed all weekend. He waited til last night, the last min, to get it done. He will go in to work a little late 3 or 4 times a week because he is tired. He can work from home, so his boss doesn't really care. We don't have kids so that is not an issue. My issue is this is seriously hurting our relationship. I don't know what else to do but leave and unfortunately, that is not a fiinancial option for me right now.

I am the wife of a gamer. I am also the wife of a deployed vet. He was Infantry, OIF, Army. Iraq. I have two children, mine are older than yours, just turned 18 (so she TOTALLY hates me and knows EVERYTHING) and 10. My life is SUPERawesome right now, and you are really jealous right now I bet.

I want you to know that you are NOT alone. Soooooooooooo not alone. There is support available here to you. Read the forums, especially the sticky posts in the spouse forums. Melissa Evermore posted some really helpful information. I would read those first.

Read, read, read. Read the forums. Then read the blogs. Cry. Laugh.

I would join an al anon group near you if that is something you can do. If you cannot, I would take the kids and go check some books out at the library. Some for the kids, some for you. I would look for some 12 step Al anon books for you, Codependent No More by Melanie Beattle.

You sound like a good wife. You want to help your partner. But you CAN'T. There is NOTHING you can do for him. You have literally tried it all. You cannot control a grown man. He has to WANT to change his behavior. Until then, the only thing you can do is change how you deal with his selfishness.

Let me say this loudly. YOUR HUSBAND IS CHOOSING TO BE A SELFISH ASS! HE IS LEAVING ALL THE GROWN UP RESPONSIBILITIES TO YOU SO HE CAN ESCAPE HIS STRESS IN GAMELAND!!!!! You know this. So, take it allllllll in. Grieve over the fact he is no longer awesome, but he is now, in fact, a troll addicted to Rift, Wow, whatever game of the week. Now, take some action for YOU.

Welcome.

cdgoldilocks wrote:

Let me say this loudly. YOUR HUSBAND IS CHOOSING TO BE A SELFISH ASS! HE IS LEAVING ALL THE GROWN UP RESPONSIBILITIES TO YOU SO HE CAN ESCAPE HIS STRESS IN GAMELAND!!!!! You know this. So, take it allllllll in. Grieve over the fact he is no longer awesome, but he is now, in fact, a troll addicted to Rift, Wow, whatever game of the week. Now, take some action for YOU.

The above is, well......partly true, as far as the bare facts about his behavior. The advice, to take action for yourself, is also good. Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are good.

However, the above is quite wrong about the matter of choice and about the matter of why. There are some things that are very difficult for people who are not addicts to understand. Understanding them will help you understand his behavior. Not excuse it, not change it, just *understand* it. How can that help? Well, you won't be so surprised at what he will do. You'll be ready for it. Understanding has value for you, and for the action you will decide to take.

As a recovering gaming addict, I do appreciate how difficult it is for someone who is not an addict to understand. I'll share a bit, and then send you to a resource, if you are interested.

1. Gaming addicts did not decide to become addicts. Probably no one decides that, but gaming addicts especially. It's not like we took up heroin, or even drinking, knowing how addictive it can be, knowing what it will do to us. We did not know it would do the damage that it did. People are just beginning to know. The worst games are as bad as heroin. The withdrawal can involve days of headaches, nightmares and puking.

2. Once you are addicted, you don't have control. He can't play less. He can't stop. He can't quit. Not without help. Addiction is a brain disease; you can see the brain abnormalities on a brain scan. Recovering from it isn't simple or easy. It's hard and it takes a long time. Quitting isn't the final answer. It's the beginning of a difficult road.

3. Addiction creates terrible behavior. It is a terrible hell for the addict and anyone who loves them or tries to deal with them. It is a disease that makes you want to have it. At the same time, it makes you think you don't have any problem at all. And then it makes you do things that are totally against your values, totally against who you really are. It doesn't mean I'm not responsible for what I've done. We all are. No matter what pressures are on a person, wrong is wrong. But there is little control when one is in active addiction.

4. People get addicted because we are self-medicating severe distress. For me, it was a nervous breakdown due to extreme job stress, combined with bipolar disorder. Your husband is a vet. I really don't want to think about the severe distress that he is trying to deal with. The gaming addiction is a dysfunctional way to deal with it, granted, but it's too late to make a better choice. He didn't even know he was making a bad choice.

4. How do people quit? Well, we need to want to quit. Usually that doesn't happen until we see a clear choice between something we deeply care about (a marriage, a child, staying alive ourselves, etc.) and our addiction. But wanting to quit isn't even enough. We need help. It just can't be done alone.

5. So you can only do two things. One was mentioned above--anything you can do for yourself, to make your life better in the middle of this situation, is good. The second one is this--don't help him play. Don't enable. Now this does not mean trying to get him to quit, yelling at him, etc. That is all counterproductive; it just feeds the disease. The addiction will grow stronger in the face of that. But--you can stop making his food, doing his laundry, paying for the internet, whatever. Those things might (or might not) help him see the choice he will eventually need to make. You can't make him stop, but you can stop helping him continue.

Now, please do not take my word for any of this. Here are some places you can find scientific information about addiction:

1. Almost anything on You Tube by Dr. Gabor Mate or Dr. Kevin McCauley.

2. The American Society of Addiction Medicine website (Google the name).

3. The following lecture, which is just about the clearest thing I've ever heard on any subject:

www.mediafire.com/dailyreprieve

Go into the folder "AA Talks". Then find the folder "Disease Model of Addiction." This talk discusses choice, responsibility, what addiction is in the brain and appropriate treatment. Two mp3 files, one hour each.

My very best wishes to you and your family.

If I didn't have children involved in this situation, I would leave. I hate to be that blunt, but on the off chance that he decides that he has an addiction and is willing to try to quit...there is no guarantee. This is the worst possible feeling I have ever had as a spouse..and I sincerely mean that. I was married prior to a man who cheated on my (in real life) and left me with 3 small kids. He was also physically abusive at the end. Guess what...the video game addiction is far worse for me emotionally. I could deal with a concrete action that society deemed was wrong: cheating and physical abuse, however very few people accept or understand the despair a spouse feels when going through video game addiction. Save yourself..save your sanity, preserve your self esteem and leave.

Good luck.

taradev wrote:

Silvertabby,

I was reading your post and it reminded me so much of my BF. How did you change your lifestyle?

Hi taradev and welcome to Olg-anon. God had to intervene in order for me to stop gaming. I had tried to stop on my own and found that I couldn't, so I finally just gave up and gave in to the game and figured I'd be gaming for the rest of my life. But God had other plans for me and helped me to stop. The next day I found Olga and, with the help of the community here, I've been able to stay stopped, for the most part. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to help your gamer stop gaming. It has to come from him....he has to reach a place where he realizes that he has a problem. All you can do is take care of yourself. Stick around here and read posts and get support from other anons. It makes all the difference knowing you're not alone. Best of luck to you!

Hi Amandamcw,

Welcome to Olga! I am sorry that you are going through this. I was once in your husband's shoe. I was too involved to realize what was going on around me. I never thought of hurting anyone else but I did. My obession and compulsion with the game made me into someone else that was self-centered and careless. I thought it was my right to take care of myself despite which methods I used but I was wrong. I was feeling good at the cost of my real life and at the expense of others. I want you and others to know that being addict is NOT a choice. No addict wants to be an addict and that I can promise you. I know it is hard to understand and I accept that. I was once in that position (non-addict) judging other addicts because I did not know what it was like to lose control over something until I tried my best effort to quit and still failed. It became clear to me that I am powerless over gaming. I was totally insane, this game was so destructive. I would never pick up this game if I knew it would turn me into an full blown addict (I was once looked down on them). I was hypnotized into the virtual world and being a slave to my addiction at all costs. I was in the denial stage the whole time when I was gaming but what is gotten to me in the end was self-realization. Others called it "rock bottom" and we all are different.

I have created a personal blog to share with families who are suffering, and I hope you will find it helpful. Whatever that I did not mention here will be in my blog.

http://olganon.org/?q=node/42035

Hugs,

Maggie

If an addict refuses treatment, it does NO good to try and "understand" them. At least, not for the reason the spouse is seeking.

A spouse usually wants to understand the gamer so she can somehow reason with the gamer, get him to change, find some way to "make him/her see".

Most spouses I have talked to have found this to be a total waste of time. If a gamer is not open or ready for change, no amount of understanding will help him. He games because he chooses gaming as his drug of choice for stress relief.

This is not to say I am not compassionate. I am simply detached. As al anon would say, "detach with love".

You can still love someone who is choosing poor behavior and is choosing to behave like an ass.

there are plenty of Vets that come home from War and don't game. There are plent of Vets who come home from War and accept help when offered. Choosing to game is an excuse. Not acceptable.

Big hugs for whatever decision you make. Alanon and CODA help a lot.

Perhaps even go to Naranon. They deal with wives, husbands and friends, family members of addicts. Not all addicts are assholes. And not everyone should leave. That's your choice.

Amanda, there is a lot of info here. I think there is a questionnaire or checklist to see if your loved one can be an addict.

I am a spouse, I'm not the gamer. I don't have warm fuzzy feelings. For that I'm sorry. You will get a lot of support from other spouses. Please seek out support. Al anon has been wonderful for me. CODA is great too if you can find a group near you.

I am leaving this discussion at this point. Good luck!

Your husband is like all addicts theyll come up with every excuse in the book as to why they need there Fix.Theyll use everything from childhood trauma to emotional depression and every thing In Between to justifie themselfs.Bottom line is he choses to do it.No amout of pyschobabble jargon can excuse that fact,thoe addicts love to come up with reasons for there Behaviour.Facts are you cant help him but you can help yourself .Meaning you can help yourself emotionally and that is the bottom line.Sitting around why and addict drags you down into the abyss of emotion is not and option.Im with Princesmom on this,Leave save your sole save your sanity,it will hurt its not and easy path to take but I can tell you at the end of the Day you will get over it and you will heal,Best wishes.

Sometimes we need to pass on the message of recovery instead of just the mess.

I just found this website, and am so very grateful to know I'm not alone in this. How many times have I heard my husband say, "What's wrong with gaming? At least I'm not out carousing and drinking. Gaming doesn't hurt anyone!" ARGH!!! This weekend was the final straw, after yet anothing devastating attempt to plan a pleasant weekend out of town. We arrived at our lovely, "unplugged" destination late on Saturday, and by Sunday morning my husband was already climbing the walls. The first words out of his mouth that morning were, "I think we should go home early." The day quickly deteriorated to chilly silence between us, and of course, we went home early rather than tough it out in misery for two more days. The second he knew we were leaving, his mood lightened because his games were only hours away. I, however, was left with my own emotional mess to clean up. Anger, disappointment, frustration, resentment, hurt. It was truly the turning point for me; I now am willing to acknowledge my husband is well and truly addicted to gaming. This is hardly the first time we have had issues with this; it's so hard to watch the man you have loved for years sink into this kind of addiction. Most alarmingly, within the past month, he has started to leave work early to get in a few extra hours of gaming at night - this from a man who has been devoted to his career since I've known him. Reading the posts of others is helpful - I will certainly follow their advice and do my best not to make his addiction easy for him. Have any of you have luck with marriage counselling? Is this an issue that can be tackled in that venue (if I can even get him there --- that's another whole problem.) I would appreciate feedback on the marriage counselling topic especially.

Hi Peony. I was so happy when i found this site too, it was really comforting to find people who can relate to this problem. As far as marriage counseling goes, i would look for one that has had experience in dealing with game addiction if possible. If you cant find one with that experience, then find an addiction counselor. My husband ( the gamer) and I went to counseling all summer last year and came out far worse. Our counselor did not understand his online gaming addiction , and suggested that it was a healthy way to escape stress! Ugh!!!! I am all for counseling though...i think it is always worth a try.

Please read through some posts aimed at partners of gamers, and "sticky" notes if you havent already. When I first joined a few months ago, i really had no idea that things like "withdrawal" and addictive behaviors existed with online games. The other thing is that you will see that until he recognizes that he has a problem, there is very little you change about him. At this point I would focus on you..taking care of yourself, detaching and going on with your life regardless of what he is doing. There is a lot of info. on doing those things on here as well.I have found them very helpful & the people on here are really supportive. Good luck & take care of yourself.

You could also go to Alanon (for families/friends of recovering alcoholics), Naranon (for families/friends of recovering addicts; no substance is specified). These help tremendously.

Addiction is very bad for all concerned, and much worse for the family of an addict (if he is one) because they have no way to deal with their stress; addicts have their drug of choice (gaming is a drug to some of us).

Not all excessive gamers are addicts though; some really do game excessively but could quit with a desire to do so. If the gamer is not an addict, he can choose to quit. But ultimately, only the gamer can decide for himself if he is an addict or not.

Thank you for your positive comments. The cautionary tale of your marriage counselling experience is something I'll keep in mind if and when we go that direction. Any counsellor will definitely need to be a pro at addiction. Also, Patricia said, "only the gamer can decide for himself if he is an addict or not..." which was an interesting thought. From my point of view, there is absolutely no question. From his point of view, at the moment in time, I'm certain he would not use the word 'addict' to describe himself. That's an important thing to keep in mind as I wade through off of this. Time to read more posts!

Amandamcw,I feel for you I really do.As for marriage counselling you speak of its more then likely to fail.If hes a full blown Addict as you describe then hell use it as another weapon in his arsonal against you.He will turn in on you surgesting its his "escape"or words to that effect from the stresses of live and the only one with the issue is you .As some have surgested maybe one who cross vented with addiction counselling could help thoe Odds are he will see it as a trap and a front to his Addiction and hell only dig in further.Honestly when you get down to the brass tacks of it ,the Addict will use everything good about you and exploit it at will,your compasion,your understanding,your sympathy ,your love the whole gamit of your emotion as a tool to exploit.As you might of read on many of the story thru out this site many off the Addicts are still exploiting there position for self advantage even to this day trying to come up with all sorts of self reasoning as to why they did or still play.But logicly its just another cop out thats been neatly wrapped in a world of Im a victim of the Game "because"and finished of with a nice little bowe of Denial.Bottom line without any sugar coating If your husband wont switch off then you will have to flick the switch on him and no amount of marriage counselling will stop that.Best wishes for the choices you will have to make.

waitandsee wrote:

As you might of read on many of the story thru out this site many off the Addicts are still exploiting there position for self advantage even to this day trying to come up with all sorts of self reasoning as to why they did or still play.

Yes we do. Both while gaming and while sober.

That's why there is a fellowship here of recovering gamers who are learning to deal with denial and begin working on what we need to do to become fully functioning people again.

Not all addicts become sober; not all addicts want to quit. Nothing we can say or do will help or change that.

But the addicts here who want help to quit, are testaments to the willingness not to allow addictions to control our lives any longer.

Something I'll never understand, myself. We've been married 5 years now and sometimes it still feels like being married to a stranger. All day everyday it's gaming, gaming gaming... It's always him and the pc. We've been having some financial concerns and so I guess he's "working on" things to help us, too, when it comes to the cyber world.

His current obsession is soldier front and war face. He's fought with me before (verbal, I mean), when I tried to get him off the pc long enough to put in some quality time. We have two sweet toddlers, and they don't stay this age forever. They grow up. It's hard to get a message across when they're that stubborn. But it's like some of you stated, I have to let him learn. But I worry because I've come to that conclusion before and...nothing. When will he realize his priorities in life? How long will I have to wait? The man's 26 years old. I'm a year younger. He's already had to go to the ER because of head pains and chest pains and other pains... and I stick to the conclusion that it was the pc. All that time on it. No breaks, no family time. No air time. He still tells me now that he'll change, he'll do this and that. And for a day or two he does...but by the second day he's back to himself. It hurts sometimes. Way deep inside..

I still hold on because I love him, regardless, despite the type of lifestyle we have going for ourselves and children. We've been through a lot together. I hope and pray for change, though..

Good thread; the replies show different view points about understanding the impact of gaming addiction for the spouse or significant other.

First aid for spouses of addicts here : https://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game