Hi, I just discovered this website a few days ago and read through some of the posts. I've been through this several times in my past and keep getting caught up with this addiction. I would like to get my situation off of my chest before moving forward because I haven't actually spoken to anybody about what I am going through. Tonight I spoke to my wife, confessing that I acknowledge my serious gaming addiction and understand that it is severe and I need to change. I however have not got in to detail with the emotions that come with my addiction and how I feel, or better yet the emotions and feelings that I run away from by turning to my addiction.
I have been here before, and have shaken this. I call it my addiction a lot to myself and joke about it a lot (often laughing about it) with my wife. Truth is I am unbelievably angry. I am struggling with choosing appropriate vocabullary to express how I feel as I do not want to offend, though I am sure everybody whos been where I am would not mind. I want to stand up as I type this and put my fist through my monitor, and throw my computer against the wall. I HATE this part of my life and want to scream about it and curse myself. I hate what I have done to myself by wasting so much time on this computer.
I am a step-father to two wonderful children that I treat as my own, and I have my first child on the way (who is due in about a month). I started my relationship with my wife and our children very well where I was not gaming (I had broken the addiction for a good period of time). It slowly creeped back in to my life with the illusion that I was strong enough to control it. It started by playing games that I could hop in and out of and not feel like I was losing anything by not playing. Then I began playing more games that had a strong sense of progression. I could not allow others to progess faster or more than myself, which would cause me to play for more hours. I don't enjoy playing the games any more, I just play to stream line my progression and make it more and more efficient so that I could be better than others. Others... People I have never met, random strangers with a better Rating/Rank than I in some stupid game.
Sorry if this is reading like a rant, because it is hard to articulate and compose an explenation of why I've spent 15 years of my life and thousands of dollars on nothing. Nothing to show for anything I've done in 15 years. I spent 5 years playing Everquest, from 1999 to 2004. I spent $1000+ and thats my parents money, before I had even graduated high school (which I didn't even do because of this sh**). I dropped out my senior year of high school because I wanted to stay home and game more than I wanted to try in school. I have spent months playing 18+ hours a day.
Anyway, here I am again. Fighting the urge to finish this post quickly so I can open up my current game of choice. It saddens me that I've turned angry at the beginning of this post, to now calm and relaxed enough that I want to go play again. Do I even want help, or just attention? Anybody else felt this way?