Wife is addicted, and getting perosnal with online friends

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jordan23
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Wife is addicted, and getting perosnal with online friends

My wife has been playing online games for about 4 months now. She averages 8-10 hours of screen time. She has gotten very personal with 3 guys from her game. She is now Facebook friends with them, and has hours of talk with them a day. She has chosen to play with these friends over me, and our children, hurting all of us to be picked over like that. I ahve now found out that she had an online affair with one of these men. I ahve asked her numerous times to not get personal, to cut down on game time, and now I am the bad person. Even after the online fling, I asked her to now be done with these guys, and she cant give them up. They are like her best friends now, and she needs to talk to them daily.

cdgoldilocks
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Hello and Welcome. I am the

Hello and Welcome.

I am the wife of a gamer, and I understand how gaming can take a once loving, caring partner, and turn them in to a self centered person we can no longer recognize. It is heartbreaking.

What is the saddest part is that there ultimately is nothing you can do to change her behavior, or compel her to quit.

What I CAN tell you is that every single one of your feelings about her gaming, her excessive time spent, her neglect of you and the children, and her inappropriate contact with the people in game ARE ALL COMPLETELY NORMAL AND JUSTIFIED. There are also things YOU can do to care for yourself and set limits/boundaries on things that you are not ok with.

You can:

1. Stay and visit this group often

2. Join al anon meetings locally

3. Read al anon literature, there are other interesting reads on addictive behaviors for the spouse out there too

4. Learn to "detach with love". You might have to treat her like a bad roommate. For women, I have found that keeping myself busy with making "to do" and "bucket lists" gave me things to work on. I stopped doing things for gamer, laundry, etc. I work too, and I am in charge of the family budget. I began to scrutinize the budget. Overspending on gaming, etc was NOT ok. He has kept on doing it, but I have set limits on it, and at one point, I turned off cable and internet because he wouldn't stick to a budget. He threatened to turn it right back on, to which I told him I would move out. It stayed off a month, until he could show me he would respect OUR hard earned money. I don't work full time for him to spend it all on pixel gold and selfishness.

5. Boundaries. This is pretty similar to #4. Setting up very clear, consistent rules for yourself and how you demand to be treated. If your wife wants a husband, shouldn't she treat you like one? Online affairs, neglecting the family, adding random dudes to her facebook isn't "wife behavior". She may try to minimize it, but she knows this. Since you can't change HER behavior, and she has a right to behave "unwifely like", you need to decide what boundaries are necessary to protect you from the pain her treatment of you causes you. Do you leave? If you stay, what needs to happen so you can have some level of peace? Would that mean refusing to pay for certain bills in the home, like internet, computer stuff?

There are some sticky posts (blue posts) in the spouses section here. I would read them.

Again, welcome. You are not alone!!

jordan23
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Thank you so much.  This

Thank you so much. This has helped a lot. I ahve been on a whirlwind of emotion for the last 3 months, and thought I was alone. I just came to the realization this morning that she has a problem. She blames me right now for everything, even teh affair. She says that I want to take her "fun" away, and aht is why I am asking her to leave the game, and teh three online friends. She refuses.

I am checking out some books on codependency from the library. Her family is aware of all this. A few agree with me and think she ahs a problem. Some others have said that my actions and behaviors after the even took place are the problem and blame me. I told her that I could not love a person who chooses gaming and online friends over me, and I could not live with that person. Now I am the bad guy for threatening to walk out on my family.

She did tell me awhile back tha she wanted to keep her gaiming family and her real family separate, and taht shouldn't be a problem. It is a problem, and you cannot dedicate yourself to both.

Wildstarwidow
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Hello Like you I have just

Hello

Like you I have just joined this site and completely relate to your story. Living with an addict is exhausting as there is no-one to lean on.

Keep coming here, read and re-read the posts and know that even though we are scattered all over the world we are standing right beside you. I take comfort from that when the chaos at home feels like its getting too much.

My partner projects his anger and feelings on to me, and then retreats into his game. He is very passive-aggressive, constantly making me the cause of the 'problem'. Detaching yourself, with love, is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. We all face uncertain futures with or without our addicts. As intelligent people we try to reach them, only the fail and the frustration builds. We need to try and stop doing this.

Only today I was accused of being cold, emotionally closed and a kill joy. Hard for me to take but my tears gave him the perfect excuse to go back to his game, which is where he is now.

Keep strong. :-)

Meena
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Hi Jordan, This problem is

Hi Jordan,

This problem is really coming to light: online gaming. It's ruining families.

I was in a relationship with a sober and not sober man a couple of years back.

I went to Alanon. That really helped. I could not get the man to get sober. He decided to do that on his own. I had to take care of me.

I am now married to a man who plays games 20 hours a week. This is devastating for me because this is my first marriage, and I really love this man. He plays for 3 hours after work on Tues. and Thurs. He spends ALL day Sunday and into the night playing video games. I have talked to him about this. He still does it. I am very sad and very upset, but I know that this is not about me. This is his issue. I am going to have to make a life for myself on Sundays, Thursdays, and Tuesdays.

The more you point it out the more they resent you. It's taking away their fun. You become-- in their eyes-- a nag, killjoy, pain. This world they create is fictional and does not build real relationships with family and friends. They spend so much time getting to the next level, creating characters, etc., that the real family suffers. Some leave their spouse.

The best thing is to not enable their behavior. Take the kids out, do something fun for yourself, get busy. I know it sucks.

You cannot change anyone but yourself. When you change, the world around you changes. Like Wildstarwidow says we all face uncertain futures with our gamers. Best thing to do is attend an Alanon meeting. It's for people living with alcoholics, but an addiction is an addiction.

I was speaking with some ex-gamers and they were really helpful. They had lost jobs and their spouses, but they stopped gaming.

I just found this web site last night and joined. There are online meetings for us here.

Keep coming back here, join the online meetings, there is help.

-Meena

Polga
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There are some very good

There are some very good points raised in this thread about taking care of yourself because you have no control over the addicts choices to game or not game.

If they are "addicted" gamers, the addict is also vitually powerless to change him/herself, as the excessive gaming has altered their brain chemistry and turned them from a normal human being into an addict who will do anything to maintain the focus of their addiction. The old personality goes out the window while they are in active addiction. They cannot be expected to act differently unless they have a massive wake-up call that will cause them to question their actions. In the same way people act in bad ways when they are drunk or under the influence of drugs/looking for a fix. I am not excusing their actions, but it's still very sad that they cannot help themselves and cannot see what harm they cause.

I ask myself is there a grey area where the gamer could change relatively easily if they wanted to, where you are not certain if they are addicted or just plain being selfish. I do not know the answer and I suspect there is some overlap on some of the different cases that get reported here. Where children are neglected that would suggest significant entrenched addiction. Where spouses disagree about what amount of time spent gaming is acceptable, part of this could be down to marital differences plus the desensitising effect of excessive gaming. Maybe. But I suspect most of the cases on the forum are about addicts who are out of control.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

cdgoldilocks
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You know, I have said this a

You know, I have said this a thousand times before, I swear. But here is 1001; warning** some gaming references incoming***

I know that *I* personally would not have a problem with my husband gaming if it truly were "harmless" and didn't impact our familiy in a negative way. I have played video games, I have fond memories of getting up on Saturday mornings as a kid, eating some kind of junky, sugary cereal, while watching awesome cartoons, then spending a few hours playing some game like Super Mario brothers or Mike Tyson's punch out.

I think that is what MOST people remember when they think back to games. You played for a few hours, then some parents would throw all the kids outside to play. We would ride our bikes, swim, play ball, etc. This is why many spouses question themselves when their addicted gamer tells them it is harmless, at least this is MY theory, and it was why *I* questioned myself for so long......

Even with all of the advances in gaming technology, I truly do believe that some people CAN moderate their gaming, given the right game, the right person, etc....just no one here LOL. The games coming out as of late seem to be MORE time sinking, more addicting, more dysfunction causing. Massive Multi Player Role Playing Games (MMORPGS) are simply never ending. You can't beat Mike Tyson then quit playing the game for awhile. Even games like Farmville are making the news, as some people are losing their JOBS because they aren't doing their work! They are farming all their land while at work!!!!

I guess what I am trying to say is that if the gamer in your life isn't helping around the house, if they are hiding their game time, if they are trying to downplay the amount of time they spend, if they are neglecting your physical, emotional, or spiritual needs, it is a problem. Don't question your better judgment!

jordan23
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My wife is playing Clash of

My wife is playing Clash of Clans on her IPad and IPhone. She doesn't do anything around the house, and takes her devices everywhere with her, even the bathroom. She jokes about getting kicked off the system for playing too long. That happened numerous times. Now her gaming addiction has turned into he being addicted to her online friends. She tells me she feels like she knows them. They know way too much about our life. I am moving downstairs into the office, and she is all for that. She will not fight for me, and thinks it is unfair that I gave her an ultimatum.

cdgoldilocks
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Here is what I know about

Here is what I know about addicts, and I grew up with them in my home:

1. They CANNOT be reasoned with. You aren't even talking to your wife when she is gaming, but some dopamined-up version of her.

2. No matter how much you try to "understand" them, it won't matter. You CANNOT fix them, because you are NOT the problem, no matter how much the addict blames everyone else but themself.... most likely YOU the spouse.

3. You CANNOT enable them in ANY way. If you are doing ANYTHING that will allow her more game stop immediately. Don't run to the store for a gallon of milk, don't clean the house (unless she works too, then do YOUR fair share).

4. Nagging, threatening, yelling, physically removing gaming devices, etc does NOT work. An addict will do just about anything to get their "fix".

5. Do NOT give addicts an ultimatum you don't plan on following through with.

6. Let her feel the consequences of her actions fully, whatever they might be. Addicts are very selfish, and they are most motivated to change when consequences effect them directly, personally, intimately.

7. Spouses and children seem to do better if they have uplifting activities to do away from the gamer/addict. Go get an ice cream with the kids, take up a hobby with them. Take a hobby class. Ever want to learn to shoot a bow and arrow? Weave a basket? Go zip lining? Now is your chance.

8. The Spouse and family do best with support in order to deal with the addict that is creating the chaos in the home. Al anon, friends, church. Spouses have to replace that emotional connection they no longer get from the spouse :(

These are just *my* observations. Just take care of you, so you can be a happier person for yourself and your kids.

Pjwolcott34
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My wife has recently been

My wife has recently been diagnosed bipolar and PTSD she is addicted to a game called big fish casino. It's a nightmare is or was in a emotional relationship with a player on the game. Has mislead her to the point of her wanting her to meet him he kinda disapered for now but I think he will be back because she says she misses him our phone bill is so high from her using the data so fast and I can't get it to stop I need help

Jenna28
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I recently found out my

I recently found out my husband of 18 years has been having an ongoing emotional affair with some woman on this game Big Fish Casino for 2 months. Apparently it's a meat market. I found this out 2 weeks ago after he became very secretive with his phone. I noticed it for a while then decided to check phone records and bam! There is all was. Since the cat was out of the bag, I text this person and eventually got a lot of info. She was a 58 year old woman (she never admitted this but her phone records confirm it) posing as a 38 year old (my age) and my husband took her bait; she took his of lying saying I was physically abusive to the point of sendind her fake pictures of bruises. He admitted this saying he told her "this is what happens when I wont let my wife look at my phone". Apparently she was texting him while she was drunk and he was home with us and the kids which was a big no no. This whole thing is sick. It's not even about gaming. I created a profile just to see-how stupid! It's just another form of escape for these addicts. Escape from reality of life that WE decide to take up responsibility for. I get sick of people's bs excuses; I had my son at 16 and he's graduated now with his BA and in law school. Plus I have 2 other great kids. I'm sick of people doing things to the ones they "love" then blaming them. Grow up I say. I won't be around this crap much longer. Freedom is coming for me. I love Al anon, it helped me a lot. I need to go back and get my mind around this one now...

Polga
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Welcome PJ and Jenna.I'm

Welcome PJ and Jenna.

I'm glad you found us!

PJ, we learn that we cannot control the gamer in our life's addiction. But you can take steps to protect your finances by making your gamer responsible of paying their own phone bill and gaming expenses. You can also examine your personal boundaries about their behaviour and whether you want to stay in that relationship.

I found it really helpful to read as many stories as i could on this site, before i made my own personal plan about what I was going to do. I then found peace by detaching from my loved ones addiction. Its a journey of recovery and self care that we can chose to take. Here is a good starter thread about the issues.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others-open-forum/help-my-spousesignificant-other-addicted

..........

Link edited 06 May 2015

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Boraman
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I too have written about my

I too have written about my wife and her issues with Clash Of Clans (coc). It is bad, bad, bad.

http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/49510

She too has gone and had a some what Internet Affair with another person even though they never have met in person. But, I must say, the biggest help was this post here.

I started taking more time with my boys and then trying to do more family stuff in the world by removing her from her device. This was key. I also told her how much we missed her and how the kids need their mother. That helped a lot. But, she still plays the game if I don't task her with things to do. Her extra on-line. Sending low cut head shots of herself activities have seemed to stop, but she still uses "KIk" to message outside guys about the game. No pictures of herself this time and she shows me her conversations if I ask.

My problem is that I don't want to have to play policeman or be the game warden checking up on my wife. Is tiring. I don't want to start snooping because that can lead to other issues especially if your TECH savvy.

The advice cdgoldilocks gave is immeasurable, and should be tried by all. The books and url links are great tools but man, people are hurting. Families are hurting. We want quick fixes but as we read, we realized there aren't none. It is a HELL of a process and you have to be up to the task.

I find myself slipping back into the nagging phase and that makes things soooooo much worse. It just pushes them further into the game in order to escape YOU. You have to find a way to make REAL LIFE just as interesting, wait, MORE interesting then their game life.

Trust me. It's almost an impossible task but everyday for me is a work in process for dealing with her, my boys. and my own personal up and down moments.

How to cope?

Polga
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Links to other threads about

Links to other threads about online cheating here ( NB you need to sign up for free membership to access member resources)

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/members-experiences-and-attitudes

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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