I've Got a Problem

(Crap. I just lost my ten minutes of work on this comment when my computer shut off because of a problem. I'll have to restart now.)

Thank you Polga and McPhee for your encouragement and advice! I agree that I can’t do games in moderation. I’ve tried that nearly every day in the past, when I would tell myself: “Just ten minutes, I will set the timer up.” But when the timer’s up I simply reset them and kept playing the games. I just posted in the Daily Count Up that I am going to start my first day of sobriety from gaming addiction today, and, hopefully, when I check in tomorrow, I won’t have played any games since now.

I also have a lesser addiction, but addiction nonetheless, of the Internet in general. I probably can’t ever escape from the Internet, because much of my homework is written online in Google, and because Olganon is online. Unfortunately, the Internet is much more accessible than the games I play, though both are still easily within my reach. I still don’t know where to draw the line between school work, acceptable articles, and the area of the internet in which I can’t control myself. Have you had trouble with the Internet in general? Do you guys have ideas for not wasting time on the Internet?

I only have a Civ 5 installed on my computer, and several games on my iPhone, but I can spend six to eight hours on them without stop, and sleep very, very late. I know that my addiction gets stronger the more accessible the games are, so I am considering deleting all of my downloaded games, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Besides, some games are online (like agario) and can’t be deleted. So, do you recommend me deleting them completely or keeping them there?

I have also ready many forums before I posted anything, and they have been great so far.

Thank you all for your support!

I can't believe that I've just done it: I just deleted all of the time-wasting games on my iPhone! Reading the many topics and blogs on this website has motivated me enough to do it. I tried to not think of anything as I clicked on the 'x' button in the corner of the apps. Now that I think about it, I know that I've just deleted hours upon hours of "hard work" I have spent in those games. A quote that was especially inspiring is from this topic: http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-gamers-open-forum/endless-circle. Silvertabby writes that "we have two choices: game our lives away (or be wanting to) or quit gaming for good and enjoy our real life." I decided I didn't want to waste my life gaming, so I deleted these games so that, from now on, when I use my phone, I won't be tempted as much by games as before.

I know that I'll still think about these games for weeks to come, and even be tempted to re-download them. But, for now, I've done something right. One step at a time.

Also, to reply to Polga, I am using the blocking app SelfControl. It's quite effective during its span of a maximum of 24 hours, but after that blocking ends, I usually play until I'm tired, and then set up the next 24 hours; therefore, the most I've achieved through this app is one day of game-freeness. Also, I still have a game installed on my computer, so I can play it whenver I want without any app blocking it. 

Does anyone know about other softwares that are helpful with blocking certain websites?

The day after I decided to quit and deleted all my phone games, I went back online but didn't play games. Nevertheless, I felt terrible because I know that, for me, nearly the entire internet is addicting, but especially Youtube or anything interesting that I can waste time on instead of doing my homework and finishing it on time. So I wasn't sure I was ready to abandon this other addiction yet, because I felt that I still had a tiny bit of control over my use. I'm not sure if on olga people also discuss the internet addiction in general, but I'm putting it on here because I don't know any forum that deals with internet addiction in general. 

Unfortunately, the internet was my "gateway drug" into gaming yet again, and I still can't effectively block online games because I don't have the money to buy the blocking programs (I only play free games). So I began to play games again two days ago, from morning till night whenthe internet shut off at my school, and resumed the next day. Today, again, I didn't play games and was quite fine with that, but I again replaced it with watching Youtube all day long. I don't even consider playing games again a relapse any more. It's seeming as if online videogames and the rest the internet are becoming the same addiction for me. So, if I quit gaming, I'll also have to quit the internet as a whole (except for my homework, of course), but I'm definitely not sure about that. I don't know if I can keep away from the entire internet, which is a big aspect of nearly everybody's life, so I'm asking you all if any of you have also been addicted to not just games on the internet, and, if so, how you have dealt with it. 

Thank you all for the support.

Also, I'm stil confused about the meeting times here. I'm in the NYC time zone, so are the meetings held @ 9:00pm or 10:00? And is it a text meeting, voice meeting, or similar-to-skype meeting?

Many people at school seems to be playing agario, even my friends and favorite math teacher. Everywhere I turn, I see someone who has played the game and can actually control himself. They are having fun. I also can't help but notice how much better I am at the game than anyone I see, but I know I can't play it any more. I haven't relapsed since yesterday, but I know it is a very strong urge to overcome. I'm already feeling much better not playing games for one day, but I haven't in the past year gone over the two-day mark. The social/peer pressure is trying to pull me back into the games, but I can't. I don't want to sleep at 3 am every night anymore. I don't want to keep wasting one-fifth of my life anymore. I don't want to lose my hard-earned confidence anymore. I'm coming onto olga now to commit myself today to not game, and I hope to again find motivation to abstain from games.

Thank you all for your support!

This is quite embarrassing. I relapsed again yesterday, probably because of seeing people play my favorite game. Well, I'm pretty sure I won't be tricked into gaming by such a situation again, because I now have experience with this type of situation. I have decided not to care about the whole situation in general, and not participate in or talk about those games at all. 

I'm going to use HALT as well, to know when I am most tempted. I decided not to game today.

I'm on the edge of the cliff right now. I'm almost sure I can fall in. I have already opened the window of my computer game, and I have this window containing Olga open at the same time. I just read through all your encouraging comments, and now feel more motivated to not sink back into this game today. I'm planning to be game free for the third day in a row.

Thanks for you advice, planner!

Also,I found a video that talks about gaming addiction. It's here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGwermHQwkU

I watched gaming videos yesterday; those videos pulled me right back into the games themselves. I learned this time that I've got to stop watching any videos or reading about any games that I play to prevent the "trigger." I'll not game today. I'll try to do this 10 minutes at a time.

I want to cry out loud. I truly believed I had it under control yesterday. I was going to celebrate the 4th day in a row. But, instead, eight minutes before the day ended, I accidentally came across a stupid game and started playing it. Now I can't call myself game-free, and this game isn't even fun to play! This is the saddest relapse, and I'm still not ready to accept it as a relapse, because I accidentally played the game. Now it seems like I have to start over from zero, that all I've done before was for NOTHING. I cannot stand this. I truly just want to got to sleep and not wake up for the next week, so I can get back those 4 days of no gaming. I feel that I'm a bit harsh on myself, because any little game can completely discredit my previous hard work. But I guess that's how life works. I've got to face reality. So I played a little bit of game yesterday all the way till after 12 am, so I can't even start my no-gaming day today! I can only say that it's my first true day without gaming starting tomorrow. So I don't even know what the point is to not game today, because it doesn't count toward my game free days. Writing this down helped me a little bit, but I still can't help it but deeply regret playing that stupid game last night. I meant to look up board games to buy on Amazon, but this thing turned up, and I didn't even begin to associate it with computer game until I started playing it! I guess I'll need to still turn on the blocking software and be much more careful around the internet than before.

Please. No games from this morning on, for the last time.

I hate gaming. I don't even have strong temptation to game. I just automatically game without thinking. I think I'll need to think about my every decision more carefully.

No gaming today. Just no.

I'm using OLGA and this topic as my journal now. I realized today that I need to not only stop gaming, but also fundamentally change my lifestyle for one that doesn't rely on gaming or any other addiction. I've already changed myself to be much more social than before at my school, and it's working well for my self-esteem. Now, I also need to change my habits so that I can maximize my time usage and not feel as constantly stressed as before, when I used to trick myself into thinking that wasting time and dawdling could alleviate stress, but I now know that it can only help me procrastinate and lead to more stress. I need to not procrastinate and start doing work more efficiently. By fixing my addiction, I think I also need to improve other aspects of myself. I'll think of other habits that I might change later.

I don't want to game tonight or the entire day tomorrow. 

I just took the Internet Addiction Test on two platforms, and both of them tell me that I'm extremely addicted to the internet. My internet addiction is harming me right now in the same as my gaming addiction. I'm now thinking of them together as the same technology addiction that I suffer, and I cannot find any other type of addiction that is causing me all this trouble. I'm now seeing youtube videos, reading news, and browsing for irrevelant information, all in a similar way as my gaming addiction. One difference may be that gaming forces me to focus on the task at hand while the internet teaches me to "multitask" and become distracted very easily. Another difference is that gaming makes me more of a recluse, whereas the internet, especially the videos, helps me talk to other people easier in real life. I just read an article that says that happiness has a direct correlation with the amount of concentration one puts to the task at hand. I realize that I need to focus harder and stop being distracted so easily. This is going to be difficult. 

I'm putting this on OLGA because I can't find any other active forum that specifically discusses this issue and people actually read each other's posts. I'm also talking about my internet addiction together with my gaming addiction because I think they depend on each other to survive and increase temptation when used together. I find that when I'm addicted to one or the other, I feel more guilty than normal and thus want to find relief from this inner guilt and the outside pressure by going into an addiction.

I feel that I've been simply channeling my addictive impulses from one addiction to another and not truly solving my problems. Even quitting gaming addiction has increased my desire to spend time elsewhere on the internet, because the withdrawal symptoms hit me hard and I automatically fall toward this other addiction. I'm quite sure that, when my internet addiction gets worse, no matter how strong my will is to not game, the impulses from the internet addiction will come back and make me play video games as well. I think I'm not solving anything at all unless I eradicate the root of all of my addictions at once. I think that all addictions are interconnected, and many depend on each other. Therefore, I decide today that I'll also work on quitting the internet in specific ways. 

Here are the parts of the internet that I'm addicted to and therefore need to avoid (unless it's for homework) (I think that quitting the internet may be even harder than the games, because that means that I quit all of my addictions at once): Youtube and other videos, random information online (google searches), any distraction from real life. I don't know if I want to quit reading news yet, because it's the only way to keep up with world issues for me. I also don't want to avoid the OLGA forums and my emails. I know these are still parts of the internet, and I'm pretty sure I cannot moderate myself at all, but modern life has made this a necessity. I guess internet addiction is a bit like eating addiction, because you can't avoid it completely, but you also can't do it in moderation. This is why internet addiction is harder than gaming addiction for me. At least for games I can completely avoid them. I'll need to think of other ways to control my internet usage. Sadly I still haven't found any resource or support group that helps me deal with internet addiction as effectively as gaming addiction. 

I'll begin my internet fast at 8pm today. For now, I'm defining the fast as: no youtube and no googling at any time.

I'll try, at least. 

I spent the last five minutes deleting steam! I've moved Steam and the Civ 5 on it (which I have spent 60 hours on) into Trash and permanently emptied the trash can. I am truly free from games on both my phone and computer now. I've still got the persistent online games to deal with, but I've developed a habit to turn on SelfControl the moment I wake up each morning, along with reading posts on OLGA and posting my own on Daily Count Up to keep me motivated for the day. It's the eve of my first game-free week; and this deletion is a moment to celebrate, because I haven't been able to bring myself to do it until now.

Thank you all again for all your support that has brought me to this point and beyond!

As I've written before, I believe I'm in a new phase of recovery, where I need to change my no-gaming lifestyle for the better: no procrastination, no internet waste, and no overdue homework. I'll work on them now.

But I'll also still be careful with games, I'll still need to remind myself every morning that I'll focus on not gaming for that entire day.

When allowing myself to watch videos again, of course I relapsed in internet addiction again. I felt closer to gaming last night than the days before; it was quite dangerous.

I think that I still need to keep away from both games and youtube, in a progression. When not gaming is not difficult any more, I can use some of my energy to not waste time on the internet as well. When not using internet gets easier, I can now devote more willpower to facing my stress and such. So, I think I'm still going to use the same amount of willpower, but on more things. I'm deciding to keep with my original strategy: working on all of my goals at once.

I feel that not doing what I should do at this time in school, ie, finishing homework, means that I'm not using life to the fullest. I now know that life is not supposed to be easy. It is hard, and I have to fight through the challenges and not be afraid of pressure. I know doing this is taking much willpower from myself, but I cannot waste time on anything any more. I should no longer use SelfControl as a crutch to aid me through this recovery period. I should do homework on my own, and resist the games, videos, websites, social media, and any time-wasting activities on my own. I cannot find excuses to rest and avoid this source of stress, I need to stand up to all the challenges in life, and try my best to conquer them. I can't do this step-by-step. I can't just relax because I know I've not played games for 24 days. I have to be strict on myself. Laziness, like a parasite, has rooted and grown in me. I have to eradicate this disease in me. Now that I've stopped gaming, I can't let my grades slide even more into the abyss. I have to take action against my procrastinating self. I am going to stop the bad habits. 

I am going to not game. I am going to accept and rise above all the challenges thrown at me. I cannot relax until I have conquered all the challenges. But, for now, I am going to focus on homework. I will do this. 

I not only do not want to game today, but I tell myself that I have to not game today.

I cannot and don't want to game today.

I'm realizing that a month ago, I could have turned in the other direction and never turned back. I could have begun the process of deterioration and never recovered. I could have thrown away all my hopes and aspirations into the trash and never came back. All those fifteen years and all those years in the future would have been wasted. My life, my parents' lives, and all those people who have supported and encouraged me through these years would have wasted their time and hearts. I still find it a miracle that I have already gone a month without gaming, that I have escaped from the grasp of one of the most relentless monsters in my existence. I've saved myself from addiction. I am beyond grateful for what has happened to me in the last month, including those difficult experiences. I've learned so much from them that I can carry into the future. This is a great life I'm living. If I had not stopped gaming on February 8th, this would be hell that I'm living through right now. Because of what's happened in the last month, I thank my decisions and thank you all. 

I will not game today.