Day One (again)

My thread title comes from the song, "Day One," by contemporary Christian artist Matthew West. Faith is something that has always helped me traverse the difficulties in my life, even when I pushed it aside for a more negative and self-serving mindset. Thankfully, I met an amazing young woman (who, like me, has a older soul inside) and we've reached almost 8 mo's of marriage. Many ups and downs during that time, some progress and some backsliding, yet we still keep going. Whatever form of belief/non-belief, political mindset, etc. you may have, I truly believe that our creator has that special individual in our lives created just for us and, when His time is right, that opportunity will be revealed. If it weren't for my wife, I wouldn't be here...on this site seeking help or in other ways. Here's a link to YouTube, if anyone would like to give it a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq2Tp3asLU8

After moving in with my future wife following a job loss and realizing I did, in fact, have a difficulty gaming on a limited basis, I came across the OLGA site after doing some research, recognizing the founder's name from a 48 Hours special regarding her son's death when I had started playing my first MMO. Then, I didn't believe I would go down a similar path, but mine has been just as harmful and painful in many ways. I tried the online chats, but I found it lacking what a live group setting provides, as well as provided an excused to be at the computer more. I wandered back into gaming, trading the fantasy/sci-fi genre for more strategy/wargame titles.

What's changed you might ask, that's prompted me back here? For one, I ended up late for a weekend session with my psychatrist because I delayed playing aforementioned wargames. During the session, I admitted to the reason for my tardiness, how while playing I did not care about anything else (i.e., the appearance of being tardy, the fact that I was infringing on her (and other patients) time, my delay was pushing back time for my wife and I to travel to visit her mother), and again pointed to the fact that, like alcoholism, it doesn't appear that I can game in moderation. In this case, I was trying to research tactics and play this particular Action MMO/Sim, but became upset and frustrated, that (if not for the appt) I would have continued playing all day. This, of course, upset my wife and she kept reminding me of the time. It got to the point that she (a school teacher) responded to me in a tone reserved for her students. This upset me, but I begrudgingly rushed through a shower, muttering curses under my breath, complaining about how others were *always* infringing on my time and rhetorically asked when I would get my own time. The fact that her mother is not well, I'm certain, contributed. After my session, my psychiarist offered to reach out to a substance dependency group she moderates and ask for any insight regarding online gaming as a related/similar addiction.

Yet...that's not the bombshell. This is:

This morning, my wife asked if I wanted to go with her to tell her mother that she was going to be a grandmother.

I shook my head, still not fully awake, but accused my wife of pulling my chain. Just the other day, I'd scared her while she was in the shower by poking my finger (mischeviously) against the shower curtain. The resulting scream, I felt, might've shattered glass in the house. She showed me the testing kit. I went and bought another brand, more reputable, and the *same* result.

With the prospect of becoming a father, I don't want to let this EVER come between me and my family, my career, my health. etc. So, here's to Day One of breaking the cycle. Cheers