Tuesday night, I had a breakdown. Hearing my husband explain the boss fight for the raid after I just got home from a long 12-hour shift, with dishes in the sink, and counters needing cleaned ... I needed release. So, I let go and slowly slid my back down the wall and sat.. and wept.. and wept. I felt defeated against my good intentions to take care of myself no matter what my husband was doing.
He walked over, put his hand on my shoulder and quickly asked me what was wrong. I had no clue what was wrong with me at the time. I was just, completely breaking down. I told him it was because we were out of milk... because I was tired... because I just needed to cry. Whatever the reason was, he told me he was there if I needed him, and then he went back to his raid and left me crying.
My dog curled up on my lap... my 4 year old gave me her Hello Kitty band-aid... my 2 year old kissed my boo boo... and they sat by me, for as long as it took.. they were there for me, when he wasn't.
That night, I woke up at midnight with acid reflux. Went into the kitchen to take something for it, and he was still awake, playing the game.
I drew the invisible line, and told him he was no longer allowed to cross my line unless it involved our children. He was no longer allowed to communicate with me, touch me, anything... unless it had to do with our kids. I told him that if the roles were reversed and my spouse was in the middle of a breakdown, nothing else in my life would be as important as supporting my spouse through it.
He turned off the game.
Said all the right things.
Promised he would change.
I forgave him.
I let him cross my line again. I let him back in. Because I love him, and I believed him.
This morning he called me at work to let me know our children made a huge mess in their bedroom, as he was sleeping. He wanted to know what kind of punishment they should get... I refused to suggest punishment, he was the one that should be punished for sleeping while they were awake. I was angry, knowing he was up late gaming.
Tonight, he was gaming from 6:30-still now... I crawl into my bed alone again as he continued his gaming. He's been gaming all day (while watching our kids mind you).
Tomorrow I'll be going to my 2nd therapy session. I know I can do this. I know I can stay strong. I know it will get better.
Even when he says he'll change, do I even want him to? I'm already mindset on leaving him... but when, and how? Is that really what I want or is that the only outcome I can see in my future?